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Rating:

Isreal says it is concerned about civilians in Gaza

They have enlisted Jewish trader Bernie Maddof, to run an investment fund for the future needs of Palestine. We are confident that Bernie will get them on track to financial freedom.

written by disciple, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Antacid Sales Rise

The FDA reports that the sale of Rolaids and Tums have increased in Washington DC, Texas, Arkansas, Illinois, Maine and Georgia following the White House presidential luncheon.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Tonight's TV Highlights

ITV 9.30pm: Celebrity Dog Fighting. Noel Edmond's Pitbull vs Bruce Forsyth's Staffy.

BBC1 11.00pm: Strictly Come Dancing on Drugs Semi-Finalists flail wildly after smoking crack

written by Kozmik Ken, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Wanted

Men with mullets for me to punch.

Please apply to J. Prescott

written by Kozmik Ken, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Celebrity Watch

Michael Winner masturbating into the Thames off Blackfriar's Bridge; Harriot Harman shitting on a tramp in Vauxhall; Chris Tarrant taking drugs in Kings Cross.

written by Kozmik Ken, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Blagojevich Replaces Obama's Senate Seat With Old-Fashioned Barber's Chair

This virtually guarantees that, no matter who ends up occupying the Senate seat, they will look as stylish as Blagojevich himself.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Even Matchbox Toy Car Sales Are Down!

Sales of Mattel's Matchbox Toy Cars has greatly decreased. The company's CEO has requested to receive a portion of the Federal bailout money that was alloted to the three major auto companies.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 January 2009
Rating:

President Bush Needs A Job

U.S. unemployment has just hit a 16 year high. When asked to comment, President Bush replied, "Hey, I feel for 'em...heck I myself will be losing my job in about two weeks."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Chrysler's New and Unique Sales Promotion

Chrysler reeling from the worst sales in history announces it's new sales promotion. Next week they will unveil their rather unique, "Buy a Chrysler car or truck and get a house...Free!" promotion.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 January 2009
Rating:

The Very Important Governor Sarah "Snowflake" Palin

Sarah Palin is complaining she was exploited by Katie Couric and Tina Fey. When asked about the arrest of her grandson's 'other' grandmother, Palin replied, "She is not important, I'm important!"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 January 2009
Rating:

NASA's Land Rover Recalled

NASA officials announce that their land rover "Spirit" which landed on Mars five years ago has been recalled by the manufacturer. It appears that there may be a slight problem with the left blinker.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 January 2009
Rating:

The Rock & Roll Report

Australian researchers have determined that head banging at rock concerts can be bad for one's health. This is the same group that last year reported rattlesnake bites can lead to immediate stress.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Farm Gal Frisky Again

After six month's recovery, farm family say 19-year-old well-built daughter now doing fine, after tornado rips through bodice factory last summer.

written by Bureau, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Vets Gone Wild!

Police say yesterday's Veterinarian Riot apparently began after a drinking party where a huge Vet pulled a stripper out of a fake cow's ass on stage.

written by Bureau, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Toby The Clown Dead

Toby the Clown has died. Officials at Florida's winter home for Ringling Brothers/Barnum & Bailey Circus say that after the service, Toby will be buried with his other clown friends on Big Shoe Hill.

written by Bureau, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Maybe Cow Can Rest In Peace Now

The FBI reports that new DNA evidence completely clears Mrs. O'Leary's cow of knocking over lantern and starting the Great Chicago Fire!

written by Bureau, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Al-Qaeda #74 Bites The Biggun

Pentagon reports that the death of al-Qaeda #74 was due to a deadly combination of a suddenly surprised rattlesnake plus strategically placed banana peel.

written by Bureau, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Staffers May Need Shots

New congressional staffers encouraged to get immunized against Hepatitis and Mulletoma before business trips that included any NASCAR races this year.

written by Bureau, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Harvey #9

A badly ailing Elizabeth Taylor told Diane Sawyer on "ABC's Good Morning, America" that the big rabbit behind her, Harvey, had proposed to her and that she was fairly sure he would become husband #9.

written by Bureau, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Obama's Vision

Barack Obama, after meeting with the other presidents earlier this week about the economy, told ABC this morning that now he knows how the four horsemen of the apocalypse appeared to St. John.

written by Bureau, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Miss Who

BBC plans for their new Dr. Who to be a female suffered a setback yesterday when it was discovered that number one choice Jade Goody has a snatch that's actually bigger than the inside of the Tardis.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Puss in Boots?

Celebrity fashion designer Jimmy Choo-Choo comes under fire from feminists for his new line of men's footwear made from the vulvas of female African sloths: They fit like a glove and never wear out.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Kiev : minus 7 Celsius

Russia revises its 'Hell can freeze over' stance towards supplying gas to the Ukraine after Kiev froze over. It now states it can get a lot colder or Kiev pays its outstanding mega-bucks gas bill.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Bank of Sockland

As the Bank of England cuts public banking interest rates to the lowest point in its 315 year history, people are withdrawing their savings and keeping them under the bed in a sock where they're safe.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Ice Age kicks in?

The current January deep freeze has got Global Warming nuts squawking like there's no tomorrow. They now claim our atmospheric CO2 discharge cutbacks have gone too far and kicked off another Ice Age.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

That magic ingredient?

A man sat in a car in a Newcastle, NSW lay-by was approached by police and caught masturbating with his erect member stuck into a jar of spaghetti sauce. So that's the secret Italian ingredient. Ugh!

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Interest rates?

If the Bank Of England has cut interest rates to 1.5% why are credit card companies still charging us 26% interest on our monthly billings?

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Global Warming Licked?

January's cold snap in the UK, with water pipes iced up and pensioners frozen to their armchairs, has proved a boon for the Greenhouse Effect Doomsayers who now state we've beaten Global Warming.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Housing Prices Crash

Property agents around London are reporting that two-bedroom cardboard boxes under Blackfriars Bridge (a sought-after accommodation area) are now going for as little as £280,000.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

2 Venomous mammals caught on camera

The Hispaniolan Solenodon which resembles an overgrown shrew; can inject passing prey with a venom-loaded bite. The other was David Blunnkett MP - fingers crossed, they don't breed!

written by IN SEINE, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Ronaldo Crashes His New Car

Cristiano Ronaldo, the Manchester United winger and World Player of the Year walked away from a total write off of his £150,000, brand new Ferrari. Passers by were heard to laugh uproariously.

written by IainB, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Lisa Bonet Loves "M's," "N's," and "A's"

Actress Lisa Bonet gave birth to a son. They named him Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. But she says they'll call him Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha for short.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Great Depression of O O cause found

Anticipation of honesty has thrown monkey wrenches into the system, triggering Ponzi scheme collapse; fear of honest scientific evaluation of product safety, collapse of aspartame futures.

written by Aspartame Boy, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Science at the FDA alive and kicking

But it is only kicking the honest scientists in the aspartame.

written by Aspartame Boy, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Drug industry fears true science at FDA

Concerns have been raised that serious scientific investigation of aspartame may slow the poisoning of the entire world. Clearly this could result in excess population explosion.

written by Aspartame Boy, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Nine whining FDA scientists tortured

They were found stuffed with aspartame and fluoride, their minds gone and their scientific objections quashed by a nation not of law, nor of men, but of monsters.

written by Aspartame Boy, 09 January 2009
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