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Rating:

Waterford "Shattered"

Employees at Waterford-Wedgewood group today were 'shattered and broken' by news of the co's failure. Working with Wedgewood certainly is'nt all it's cracked up to be bemoaned Josiah Egg-Coddler (186)

written by jeremy griffiths, 07 January 2009
Rating:

"Hey, Move Your Snow Plow Now!"

Police in Spokane, Washington, report a case of snow plow rage. A man lost his temper and shot at a snow plow operator. Police fear that the incident could lead to dog sled rage and ski lift rage.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Amy Winehouse's Beehive Hairdo

Amy Winehouse's beehive hairdo actually has bees living in it. Her hairstylist, Princess Brucey, told the London Times that last week he actually found half an ounce of honey on her cowlick.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 January 2009
Rating:

The Richest Couple in China

Du Guangya, wife of China's richest man Huang Guangya has been arrested and charged with financial offenses. Her husband, worth $4 billion stated, "Hey, no probrem, I just buy jail, let wifey out."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Next Time Go To IHOP

Kid Rock returned to Duluth, Georgia's Waffle House where he was involved in a brawl last year. Everything was fine until someone threw a molasses-laden hot cake at him and then all hell broke lose.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 January 2009
Rating:

The New Name of The Band Green Day

The rock band Green Day hoping to capitalize on President-elect Barack Obama's tremendous popularity will be changing their name to Black Day.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 January 2009
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Won't Miss Bush

Brand new Harris Poll reveals that 92 percent of Americans say they will not miss Bush. The other 8 percent are humor writers.

written by Bureau, 07 January 2009
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Polar Bears Stranded

Three old members of the Polar Bear Club discovered stranded off the coast of Maine floating on a breakaway chunk of an iceberg.

written by Bureau, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Here's The Skinny

New talent scout union leader proposes "Toast" to all the great models that are working for them.

written by Bureau, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Casual Friday No Biggy

After ten years, Casual Friday still a pretty much humdrum day for most of the nations nudist colonies.

written by Bureau, 07 January 2009
Rating:

New Iraq Poll

In a new nationwide poll in Iraq, the Kurds whey in heavy for it to be divided up into three separate countries.

written by Bureau, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Loud Convention

A Boston medium reveals that a convention of suicide-bombers on the other side is marred by 10,000 screaming still virgin harpies.

written by Bureau, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Does A Bear?

Rangers in the Great Smokey Mountains say that a mama bear there has proudly named her first cub, Forest Dump.

written by Bureau, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Nets Under Wall Street

Dewey Bratcher, head of NYC's Fire Department, proposes the installation of a permanent net around the second floor of Wall Street Building.

written by Bureau, 07 January 2009
Rating:

First Hip-Hop Discovered

A copy of the world's first known Hip Hope recording, "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" has been discovered in Sidney

written by Bureau, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Free Byrd

The FBI, in order to help the economy, is selling copies of their collection of Wire-Tap Greats featuring the singing of different members of congress in the shower, headed up by "Free Byrd".

written by Bureau, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Obscene Phone Caller

A man from Leamington Spa who made over 100 obscene phone calls was found to have many sexual hang-ups a psychologist said today.

written by IN SEINE, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Big day for Boris

London Mayor Boris Johnson completes his 6 month bid to say the the phrase, 'around the ragged rock, the ragged rascal ran.'

written by Kozmik Ken, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Celeb Watch

Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole spotted kicking swans in Battersea Park.

Newsreader and Antiques Roadshow presenter Fiona Bruce spotted bullying fellow newsreader Huw Edwards in Oxford Street.

written by Kozmik Ken, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Doubts raised over measles target

The UK is named as one of Europe's worst countries for measles. Well spotted!

written by IN SEINE, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Milky Way 'bigger than thought'

The Milky Way has 50% more mass than once thought, a study shows. Mars bars are bigger too and as for Galaxy chocolate, it's absolutely massive according to Dawn French, a chocolate connosieur.

written by IN SEINE, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Woolworths saved from Closure.

Polynesian 'Poundshed' tycoon Turbo Tatswiller has bought out the ailing High Street retailer lock, stock and barrel, which is to be reopened under the new trading banner of 'Woolworthless'.

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Question of the Century !

Who bought Simon Cowell a bra? Will, Cheryl or Wossie?
All three apparently chucked a few bob in at Victoria's Secret for the bra as Cowell is such a prize tit.

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Mickey Makes a Comeback

Mickey Rourke stars in his comeback film The Wrestler, which he described as a "physically and emotionally brutal shoot" for a guy who's fucked his body and mind up with booze and drugs for so long.

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Footballer Watch

Portsmouth's Jermain Defoe was yesterday spotted dressed like a designer version of Albert Steptoe.

written by Kozmik Ken, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Seymour Justifies School Bombing

Israel's Minister for Ethnic Cleansing Seymour Scrunt today justified the bombing of a Gaza school that killed 40 children, saying at least they can't grow up to join Hamas and become suicide bombers.

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Rail Misery for Thousands

Thousands of commuters will today face misery on Britain's rail network as trains become increasingly shit.

written by Kozmik Ken, 07 January 2009
Rating:

M & S cut staff

High Street retailer Marks and Spencer it is to cut more than 1000 jobs. Worker-orientated Karl Marks is to lay off 1 accountant while Frank Spencer is to fire his 999-man strong maintenance staff.

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Spot on Cold Snap Stat's

The UK-based Euthenasia Plus say with 12 pensioners an hour dying during January cold snap as they can't afford to pay heating bills meets their predictions for senior citizen population reduction

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Take your Pick

January temperatures dropping to a record minus 10 Celsius across Britain has been primarily blamed on:
1) Global Warming.
2) The Imminent Ice Age.
3) Our Carbon Guessprint

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Whodunit ?

Ysgol Rhewl Primary School in Wales remains closed during the current cold snap as someone drained the central heating boiler's fuel oil tank over the Xmas holiday. Pupils are said to be delighted.

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Ministry of the Bloody Obvious Strikes Yet Again

Speaking on the 11th day of Israel's indiscriminate bombing of Gaza, Red Cross spokesman Pierre von Clot told reporters life in Gaza had become "quite stressful" for the Palestinian population

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Mickey D's introduces the "Mad Mac"

Not to be outdone, Mickey D's introduces a cheesed-off cheeseburger featuring livid lettuce, pissed-off peppers, provoked pickles, outraged onions. Available with furious french fries and cross cola.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Obama names Surgent General

Dr. Hibbert, will be the next Surgent General. Dr. Hibbert is one of the only regular African American characters on the Simpsons. He went to medical school at Johns Hopkins University.

written by disciple, 07 January 2009
Rating:

New Star Discovered

To be named Sarah Palinus Major after the governor of Alaska, who's star power was also recently discovered. It's hydrogen supply nearly exhausted, it's thought to be near the end of it's life cycle.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Shrodinger's Cat Up For Adoption

Physicists have decided to give up their feline friend, who's behavior is "unpredictable." They hope they can find one of the many worlds in which he might be happier.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 January 2009
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