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Rating:

On Immigrant TV

'How to Make a FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST' with Deli Smith at 8:00am - please note: this is NOT a serial!

written by IN SEINE, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Yellow Pool

An ex-pool cleaner at a Holiday Inn in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee says that kiddie wading pool at the end is over 50% piss.

written by Bureau, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Nude French First Lady

Nude photo of French First Lady sells on eBay for over twice as much as that of Mamie Eisenhower and Barbara Bush put together

written by Bureau, 02 January 2009
Rating:

25-Year High

The number of the nation's unemployed reached a 25-year high during December, most of it on cheap vodka.

written by Bureau, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Christmas Shoed In

Police around the country are reporting thousands of shoe throwing incidents, reaching their heighth on Christmas day when wives opened their Christmas gifts from their husbands.

written by Bureau, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Bush Accomplishment #38

Brings peace between Israeli Sholo Abraham Sacks and Palestinian, Islam Ahmed Mohammed, next door neighbors in Brooklyn, New York.

written by Bureau, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Williams Head Testifies

According to Sport's Sports, Ted Williams head at the cryonics center was thawed out just enough to deny that he ever took steroids in his days as a player, nor did any of his teammates.

written by Bureau, 02 January 2009
Rating:

"We were using rectal thermometers"

Right-wing media figures apologize for misleading reports on falseness of global warming. They say rectal thermometers used to compile data led to mistaken assessments.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Ofcom Probe

The British Telecom watchdog, Ofcom, are to investigate their own complaints line when it was discovered it was a premium rate number.

written by IainB, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Free Bar

The Manchester lodge of Alcoholics Anonymous would like to announce that the January meeting will have a free bar and will not be Bring a Bottle, like previous meetings.

written by IainB, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Salford Hotel Fire

After a serious fire in Salford's Premier hotel, the Shiton, it has been upgraded to two stars. Hotel staff are said to be 'gutted'.

written by IainB, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Big Archaeology Discovery

The discovery of a men's urinal in Syria by archaeologists yesterday proves that ancient man walked upright over one million years earlier than previously thought.

written by Bureau, 02 January 2009
Rating:

PETA Finally Aboard

The PETA organization has joined others in condemning a serial killer to be executed in Florida who had apparently killed a rare sea turtle, along with 15 prostitutes.

written by Bureau, 02 January 2009
Rating:

New Indian Truck

In India a new truck has been shown off to the press. The truck will cost as little as $2500 and carry as many as 24 passengers.

written by Bureau, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Obama On Letterman

Word is that Barack Obama will appear in a taped session on the Letterman show in February with the newly formed "Yes We Can Can Dancers".

written by Bureau, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Burger King proves people who usually eat raw animal intestines prefer their food

Score: McDonalds

written by Picwit Picayune, 02 January 2009
Rating:

To lower energy costs, Vegas to make every other light blink

Predict 50% smaller energy bill

written by Picwit Picayune, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Avalanche victim in cryonic suspension at base of mountain

Should thaw out in time for next year's ski season

written by Picwit Picayune, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Blockbuster employee's pants fall down in "Comedy" section

Trips and knocks over movie rack

written by Picwit Picayune, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Study: No net improvement in child behavior since introduction of Santa Clause

"Coal in stocking" threat fails to change attitudes

written by Picwit Picayune, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Chrysler buying 20 Super Bowl ad slots to thank Americans for bailout

$60 Million spent will raise eyebrows if ads not entertaining enough

written by Picwit Picayune, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Hamas launches YouTube Channel

Only shows clips from Terminator, Saudi drifting

written by Picwit Picayune, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Skeptics now claim moon only a NASA projection

Doesn't really exist

written by Picwit Picayune, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Blago appoints wife his impeachment judge

Names self "Earth President"

written by Picwit Picayune, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Initial Hamas rockets carried Christmas presents for Israel

Gaza conflict really a humorous misunderstanding

written by Picwit Picayune, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Area psychic gives bold prediction for 2009

Says she'll be accurate 24% of the time this year

written by Picwit Picayune, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Group demands to see New Year baby's birth certificate

Claims infant not legitimate representative of 2009

written by Picwit Picayune, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Anorexics Christmas Party

The Anorexics Association Christmas Party was well attended this year. The queue of homeless people outside waiting for the leftovers to come out also broke records.

written by IainB, 02 January 2009
Rating:

"Survivorman" Brutally Gored

Les Stroud, star of the The Discovery Channel's popular Survivorman series attacked and seriously mauled by a black bear annoyed with Strould's harmonica playing on an otherwise peaceful night.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
Rating:

"Gaza Strips"

Proposed name for new brand of adhesive bandages marketed towards Palestinians injured by heavy Israeli fire.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
Rating:

A Little Off the Sides

After Barack Obama pledged to "keep his nose to the grindstone" to get America back on track, an advisor suggested perhaps he should keep his ears to the grindstone instead.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Time Well Spent

An extra second was added to Earth's clocks to keep solar time and the atomic clock in sync this year. Rush Limbaugh used the extra time to bash liberals.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
Rating:

A Solemn Vow...

Hoping to atone for past mistakes, President Bush promised upon the arrival of 2009 "to make this upcoming 9th and final year of my administration really count for something."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Queen Targets the Fat

"They need to eat more aspartame, lot more", said the Queen, "I'm tired of fat people. Fat people make be burp. No more water for them, just dry aspartame."

written by Aspartame Boy, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Pope Seeks Divorce from Italian Mafia

"I'm tired of paying the vigourish. I want alimony.", the Pope was quoted as saying as he attacked the Italian Justice system.

written by Aspartame Boy, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Guyana Leader Fakebook Entry

Come see my Fakebook Entry, exclaims the Guyana leader between sips of coolade. We have monies to deposit in America. Please post your account numbers in our Fakebook.

written by Aspartame Boy, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Bad Turkey

All was going well with the Mexican Turkey dinner. It was a festive occasion. Then, the turkey, stuffed with Mexican jumping beans, when placed on the table suffered from restive leg syndrome.

written by Aspartame Boy, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Society of Determined Meekness to release a video

The President of the Society of Determined Meekness said today that the group will release a video promoting their new range of lingerie, all designed by Victoria's Secret. The Vatican was mute.

written by whatinthe world, 02 January 2009
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