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New Nader Book

Ralph Nader will be releasing a new book in May, 2009 concerning the many recalls from China. It will be titled, "Chinese Condoms, Unsafe At Any Speed".

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
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Go Ahead, Punk

A punk rock group has secretly entered the movie set filming a new Clint Eastwood movie and made his day by kicking his ass all over the lot.

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
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Pentagon: Video A Fake

A spokesman for the Pentagon stated this morning that they have concluded that the video of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein they received just this past Friday could very well be a fake.

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
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Women and Irony

Women do not appreciate irony, only silvery and goldy.

written by Ross Raffin, 19 January 2009
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Alternative Artists

You'd think that, of all the possible names to give a ninja turtle, at least one would be called "Van Gogh."

written by Ross Raffin, 19 January 2009
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Critique of MLK Speech

Martin Luther King was full of crap. We all know dreams are never that vivid.

written by Ross Raffin, 19 January 2009
Rating:

Historians Update Sayings

In Amsterdam, at a meeting of the world's leading historians, they have officially updated "Old Wives Tales" and "Lying Like A Sack Of Shit" to "Urban Legends".

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
Rating:

Prince Harry Apologizes Again

Prince Harry has officially apologized for his latest remarks against minorities. From now on, the Prince stated, he's sticking with his own "Royal Fartheaded Family".

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
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Prez, VP Leave Offices

While ex-President George Bush heads back to his Texas ranch and will oversee work on new Dallas home, VP Cheney has reportedly already arrived in Brazil.

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
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Geither To Fine Himself

Barack Obama's choice for Secretary of Treasury, Timothy Geithner, says he's badly disappointed in himself for not paying his taxes for three years and will deal severely with himself as an example.

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
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New Memory Pill Invented

Philip Grant says his research for helping Alzheimers patients has led him to a memory pill for anyone to help his memory, then suddenly stopped and began patting his pockets and searching the lab.

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
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From heaven, Martin Luther Kings talks about Barack Obama election

"I done said I be havin' dreams, but I didn't have no nightmare about this raghead."

written by Jalapenoman, 19 January 2009
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Motown celebrates Fifty Years!

From party, Motown screams "turn down that damn jungle junk noise and go to bed. There's people tryin' to sleep!"

written by Jalapenoman, 19 January 2009
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Nihilists Meeting Cancelled

This year's annual Nihilists Meeting has been cancelled. There's just no point in having it.

written by IainB, 19 January 2009
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Parapsychology conference

The organisers of this years parapsychology conference would like to thank all the attendees. To those that missed out, we apologise for not broadcasting that it had been brought forward a week.

written by IainB, 19 January 2009
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INAUGURATION: Flash news

Gravity of the Moment increased to prevent Inauguration gawkers from floating off into space.

written by Exislanda, 19 January 2009
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Canada Goose Attack:

Tension increases on US - Canada border as Canada Goose missile brings down plane in Hudson River.

written by Exislanda, 19 January 2009
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Cleansing Called For

Apparently, early in his term as the new Vice President, Joe Biden has requested that Pope Benedict XVI himself will visit the White House and cleanse the former office of Dick Cheney.

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
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Rather Spills Long-Kept Secret

A half-shot Dan Rather reportedly told a large bar crowd Saturday night in New York City that CBS News actually stands for "Collected Bull Shit."

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
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Another Patch Adams?

Assistants at Jewish Hospital in Louisville, Kentucky report that a brash new surgeon there sometimes tosses a new liver into the air and catches it just prior to installation.

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
Rating:

New Knoxville Choir Started

Seventeen stockyard employees were accidentally denutted Saturday in Knoxville, Tennessee while attempting to learn to use new automated calf castration machine.

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
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Extract Mix-Up

Police in Houston were called out yesterday to break up a wild party as near-sighted cook mistakes monkey gland extract for vanilla extract for birthday cake.

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
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New Canine Butt-Spray Cans

Sergeant's Dog Products presents new Canine Butt-Spray's "Give Me Three Steps" temporarily stops attacking dogs in their tracks to sniff, giving you a head start towards safety.

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
Rating:

Illegal Immigrants Demand Jobs

A new report says that the many tornadoes, floods, fires and weak economy in the United States during 2008 swept away thousands of illegal immigrant's jobs.

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
Rating:

No One To Arrest

A large explosion reported outside Fayetteville, Arkansas apparently caused by two thieves trying to break into service station's gas supply with blowtorch.

written by Bureau, 19 January 2009
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U.S. Airways - The Waterproof Airline

U.S. Airways new advertising slogan: "Forget about Royal Carribean, Carnival, and Princess. Why not book your next cruise with us."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 January 2009
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The Iraqi Shoe Tosser is Swiss Bound

The Iraqi shoe tosser, aka Muntazer al Zeidi is seeking asylum in Switzerland. The one stipulation is that the only footwear he will be allowed to wear are flip flops.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 January 2009
Rating:

The Hot Cookin' Danica Patrick

NASCAR driver Danica Patrick has agreed to put out a cookbook by the Betty Crocker Corporation. The cookbook will be entitled, "Danica Patrick's Favorite Recipes From The Keep To The Left World."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 January 2009
Rating:

The Kidd Misses New Jersey (The State)

Dallas Mavericks star Jason Kidd wants to be traded back to the New Jersey Nets. He says he misses snow, ice, honking taxi cabs, and hearing the 'Joysey' accents.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 January 2009
Rating:

George 'Lyin' Eyes' Bush

Sources in the music industry have just announced that the Eagles have agreed to allow their 1975 hit 'Lyin' Eyes' to be used for a Canadian documentary entitled "President George Bush's Iraqi War."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 January 2009
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LeBron James aka 'Mr. Moneybags'

Cleveland Cavalier's star LeBron James says that he is so confident that his team will win the NBA East that if they don't he will give every man, woman, and child in Ohio $175.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 January 2009
Rating:

The Washington Grand Wizards?

The Washington Wizards organization denies a report that the team was named after the Grand Wizard of the KKK. A spokesman for the NBA team said the name was actually derived from the air freshener.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 January 2009
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The Name Coca Cola Zero Came From...

A highly reliable source has revealed that the Coca Cola Company actually named their new product Coca Cola Zero after the amount of weapons of mass destruction that President Bush found in Iraq.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 January 2009
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The New York Yankees Combined Salary: $207 Million Per Year!

With the addition of Mark Teixeira at $12.5 million per year, the New York Yankees total combined salaries now amount to $207 million per year. Or twice the entire net worth of all of Europe.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 January 2009
Rating:

Simon & Garfunkel's Troubled Water Bridge

Art Garfunkel of Simon and Garfunkel fame has finally revealed the real reason that the duo broke up. He wanted to change the name to Garfunkel and Simon.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 January 2009
Rating:

Obama's Beer and Cheney's Beer

A brewery in Kenya is selling a beer in honor of Barack Obama named "President's Beer." Meanwhile a Wisconsin brewery has put out a beer named after V.P. Cheney, it's named "Lying Dick Light."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 January 2009
Rating:

A wunch of Bankers

The collective name for Bankers is now a "wunch", according to the compilers of the Complete Oxford Dictionary (Spoonerism division).

written by NODDY, 19 January 2009
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Travel News

A lorry containing 200 tortoises has crashed into a van carrying 100 terrapins on the A62. Police are calling it a turtle disaster.

written by NODDY, 19 January 2009
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