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Rating:

Prince Harry: "I'm no racist!"

Following the use of the 'P' word, Prince Harry stated today, "I'm no racist; although Grandma and Great-Granny used to have a flutter so I guess they were racists!"

written by IN SEINE, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Bush Planning Coke Party

Rumors circulating that Bush's post-presidential plans include inhaling longs lines of the white substance. Said Bush, still obviously in the Christmas spirit, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"

written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Bush Snubbed In Lunchroom

At 1st meeting of presidents since 1981, Bush not allowed to sit at lunch table with "popular kids" Clinton, Bush Sr., Carter and President-elect Obama because his approval ratings were too low.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Superbowl Ads Not So Super This Year

Ads will reflect "somber mood" of America caused by economic decline. Commercials featuring anti-depressant medications expected to be big hits.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
Rating:

High School Cocaine Use Up

Drug use has declined in recent years, except for cocaine use among white high school students. Many now ponder link to high incidence of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder among same group.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Man Attacked by Cougar

Josh Westin, 23, in stable condition after being practically mauled in The Jungle. He claims he had seen her before the attack, as they are both regular patrons of this same bar.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
Rating:

"Stock Car" being developed

Several Wall Street brokers have invested in research and development of a automobile that will be powered solely by wild fluctuations in the stock market.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Changing Old-People's Smell

AARP Magazine Report: Boomers changing old-peoples smell from combination Boiled Cabbage-Absorbine Jr. to Marjuana Smoke-Sportscream!

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Kumbya bin Laden

Osama bin Laden's seventeenth son, Kumbya bin Laden tells ABC News that he wants to become a peace activist.

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Clogging Bears

Nashville Airport judged "Best Layover Airport" for featuring live music, clogging bears and twelve Dolly Parton Lookalikes!

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Bad Boy, Baaad Boy!

Homeless alcoholic veterinarian confesses to police that he's not been a good boy after pleading guilty to castrating seven passed-out bums in alley.

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Tattle-Tale VS Wiggle-Tail

Laced-Brownies, salted tampons war hits office for the third day after fight between the office tattle-tale and the office Wiggle-tail!

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Bush Last Press Conference

President Bush held what was probably his last press conference yesterday. Everybody got called by their first names and Bush returned three times to the cigarette-lighter salute.

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Old Rockers At Stonehenge

A report this morning by Rolling Stone Magazine says some hip archaeologists claim Stonehenge as the burial site for some ancient old timey rockers, man.

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Big Wind Gust Hits Windmills

What meteorologists are calling a freak straight wind has hit an Abilene, Texas Wind Farm causing several windmills to take off and the rest to light up the town to the point of blinding hundreds.

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Urinal Cakes Recalled

The U.S. economy slipped further over the weekend as Hillary's loss to Obama causes photo urinal cakes to be pulled from truck stops in the south.

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Cheney Poses For Pics

Vice President Cheney has already began packing up for the family leaving the White House. The VP did stop long enough to chat and pose for the cameras with his favorite waterboard.

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Tobacco Companies Blame Chemicals

Big Tobacco blames increase in cost of cigarettes on higher taxes, higher price on nearly 100 chemicals used in the tobacco.

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

"Low Score Wins"

After the Illinois congress voted 114 to 1 to impeach Governor Rod Blagojevich, the Governor declared the one guy the winner, "Like in Golf".

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Toyota Meltdown

The Toyota Auto Company has announced it's first losing year since the last company meltdown after the Hiroshima bombing.

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Russia Threatens Ukraine

Russia threatens the Ukraine that after cutting their oil supplies, they may also cut off their supply of vodka, cavier and Polack jokes if they don't agree to demands.

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Kelloggs Cuts Back

The Kelloggs Company have admitted to using smaller boxes for their cereal, Rice Krispies, due to the current financial crunch.

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Obama To Promote Potter

Barack Obama has announced that when he assumes office next week, he will promote Postmaster General John E. Potter to a five star general.

written by Bureau, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Prince Harry's Outburst Condoned

Prince Philip has publicly decried the furore caused by Prince Harry's remark three years ago. "I can't see what's wrong," said the Greek. "He's just taking after his Gramps."

written by IainB, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Shrubbie Video Session

Last night's Oval office lock-in was not a Defcon 1 situation but the outgoing Prsidential team enjoying their favourite Abu Ghraib Prison torture tapes before they
get converted to ash.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Jap' robo-pets hit snag

Japanese robot pet designer Meow Katatami says it's back to the drawing board after his prototype robo-pet cat scratched a furrow through its litter box, and floor, and fell into the apartment below.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

YouTube Sleaze Gale hits Windy City.

'Hot Rod Blago' hits YouTube #1 with his back-stabbing of "bleeping" Pres-elect O'Barmy, plus a few snipes from First Slapper wife, Patricia Mell, who's vocabulary would make a fishwife blush.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

What dat in de Woodpile, Harry?

Royal Ranga Prince Gobshite gets a crash course in Protocol and Diplomacy from the Buckingham Palace Mandarins: Whatever IS in the woodpile, it is definitely NOT a N*gger.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Tory leader proposes 'Strategic Cuts'.

Critics have jumped on David Cameron's comments per the proposed budget 'cuts' he wants to see. Asked what he would like to cut first, Mr. Cameron replied "Several of the Labour government's throats."

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Fish Market Photo-Tourism is on again!

Tokyo's famous Tsukiji fish market lifts its ban on tourists visiting so long they refrain from hugging, licking, kissing or pretend copulating with the huge tuna that are Tsukiji's main attraction

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Bar-rat O'Barmy plans 'Special Team'

President-elect O'Barmy says he plans to deal with the Mid'-East conflicts and the 'Iranian problem' by forming a 'special team' of Pentagon top brass Zionists and Israeli-American double agent hawks

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Quids in?

Talkin' to a bloke who works in Poundland. Yer know: Poundland / PoundStretcher, all the bloody same: everything's a pound. Guess what he gets paid a day? Yep- a pound.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

HRH the Ginger Minga sticks to Tradition

Royal Cuckoo Prince Harry follows faithfully in the established faux pas footsteps of grandfather Prince Phillip, who never engages brain before opening mouth.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Finger on the Pulse?

As Gaza starts 2009 suffering Israel's genocidal attacks, Top Dog peace negotiator Tony Bliar spends Xmas with family and attends a special private opening of the Armani store in Knightsbridge.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Condo Rice converts to Islam

Outgoing US Sec' of State Condo-sleezza Rice is to convert to Islam due fascination with the submission status
of Muslim women, which connects synergically with her BD/SM fetish switch interests.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Another prison movie?

The US movie rental company, Democrats Home Video, has confirmed the scheduled 20th January DVD release of its adults-only hit movie Saw 6: The Abu Ghraib Story.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Facebook suspensions

29 schoolgirls were suspended for setting up a false Facebook site for a teacher they tagged 'Fuckface'.
The pupils at St. Trinian's reform School signed up to the webpage called The Hate Society.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Dopey Mick

Musician (sic) Moby told the NME and Billboard he's actually related to author Herman Melville and was named after his most famous 'whale' of a story as he's such a DICK.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Stork or Cuckoos?

A new-born baby discovered in a Smegmadale wood covered in a pink blanket and twigs is alive and well at a local cat's home. Police believe the baby girl was dropped in the woods by migrating cuckoos.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Cultural Pirate Bonding

The foreign crew of supertanker Sirius Slug, released after a $3 million ransom was paid, say it was a great experience to learn about Somali culture and exchange addresses and cellphone numbers.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Kung Fu Panda?

A drunken Zang Dickhead says he bit Beijing Zoo's Gu-Gu the Panda after it attacked him when he jumped into its enclosure to 'cuddle' the bear. He didn't realise panda's are nasty, vicious twats.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Numpty Bush plans blood n guts vacation

Outgoing President Dubya Shrub told the press he plans a chill out vacation at his regular Texas psychiatric unit sticking cherry bombs up frog's asses and shootin' critters to see how much they bleed

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Winnie the Pooh Comeback

AA Milne's Bear of Very Little Brain makes a literary return and shall stand equally alongside a variety of other characters of Very Little Brain on leading bookstore's Celebrity biography shelves.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

UK Slump gets Worse

The UK economy shrank by 1.5% last week making it even smaller than a shrew's penis. Financial wizards say the current slump is the worst to hit Britain since the last slump.

written by Rusty, 12 January 2009
Rating:

Korean car co. in jeopardy.

Troubled SSangYong Autos were today attempting to file for bankruptcy,"Just as soon as we can spell the name correctly on the appropriate forms". said CEO, SShang-a-Lang-a-Ding-Dong

written by jeremy griffiths, 12 January 2009
Rating:

BATF raids FDA over its aspartame

BATF claims jurisdiction on the methyl alcohol content of aspartame. It is forcefully collecting the alcohol tax on all aspartame containing products. BATF seized all the FDA's aspartame documents.

written by Aspartame Boy, 12 January 2009
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