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Global Warming "Nuts" Respond to U.K. Deep Freeze Snippet

Massive amounts of fresh water from melting glaciers flowing into the Atlantic, being less dense than saltwater, have begun to interfere with the Atlantic Conveyer. We hate to say we told you so.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Al Franken wins by a hair

...because he's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggonit, barely more than half of Minnesota's voters like him more than Norm Coleman.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Man finds ideal football team deterrant.

A man who was plagued by Shrewsbury Town football players in his garden has devised the ULTIMATE deterrant. It is alleged that he simply erected a goalpast. He has not seen a player for 6 months now!

written by IN SEINE, 10 January 2009
Rating:

47 Millionaires watch TV Together

No less than 47 millionaires were sat around a TV in a plush hotel room, watching the Super Bowl. It turned out that the group were otherwise known as 'The Oakland Raiders'.

written by IN SEINE, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Heather Mills explains the REAL reson for her divorce

Heather Mills McCartney has admitted the real reason for her divorce to Sir Paul. She said:"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't."

written by IN SEINE, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Dr. Who show gets new Time Lady

Theatrical arbitrators 'Toss-up' have solved the BBC's gender dilemma in selecting a new Dr. Who by signing up transvestite actor Darlston 'call me Mary' Pickles to play the new Time Lady.

written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Tintin reaches 80!

To celebrate his 80th birthday, intrepid boy hero Tintin and his canine buddy Snowy are off to the barbers: Snowy for a poodle trim and Tintin to get that puffy Belgian quiff sorted.

written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Another 'Brazilian' goes wrong ?

A man is reported to have been "injured" at a house in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire after police "shot" him several times ! Que?

written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Wrong body-wrong grave

Funeral company Fuckups-R-Us has apologised to two Merseyside families after burying the wrong bodies in the wrong coffins and in the wrong graves. The bodies were later illegally exhumed and swapped.

written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Are hospitals safe?

Colombian head of the Caqueta drug cartel Leo Vargas, being treated for lung disease in a Spanish hospital, was shot while asleep. He is now being treated for gunshot wounds in the hospital's mortuary

written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Rating:

The ring - and the kidney, please.

A man divorcing his wife in the US demands she return the kidney he donated to her or pay $1.5m compensation.
He told the court "I gave her my heart and she broke it
so I want my kidney back."

written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Poor harvest?

Egyptian farmers with lands bordering the Gaza Strip have complained that the Israeli conflict is disrupting their smuggling businesses due Israeli bombs and missiles damaging their tunnel networks.

written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Obituary complaints

Al-Qaeda terrorists Usama al-Kini and Ahmed Swedan reportedly killed by a missile fired from a US drone near the Afghan border, phoned the BBC to complain their obituary photos are years out of date.

written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Knuck wimps

Three Canadians claiming a new 34 day record for the fastest trek across Antarctica to the South Pole have been classed a wimps as they did it in the continent's mid-summer period

written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Rating:

"Big 3" execs eagerly awaiting W-2's

CEO's and top-level managers short on cash are hoping to e-file returns and have them direct deposited as soon as the documents arrive.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Israel bombs Red Cross in Gaza

Many believe the bombing was motivated by Red Cross' recent condemnation of Israel for bombing innocent Palestinian civilians, women and children.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Rating:

D.C. hotel rooms too expensive for Barack Obama Inauguration

Even Warren Buffett decided to book a room at the Super 6 Motel, saying their $125,000 price tag was "the most reasonable deal" he could find.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Fat-Ass Sheriff gets taste of own medicine

Ordered to spend a day in jail for feeding inmates "woefully insufficient" meals, XXL Alabama Sheriff Greg Bartlett immediately shed 4 pounds and got sick from eating undercooked chicken.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Leon Panetta to end congressional wire-taps

And an ant is going to kill an elephant.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Will Leon Panetta be able to find the CIA?

Or, will CIA agents find him first and give him plenty of aspartame to drink?

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Chinese Panda Mauls Zoo Visitor

An obvious mistake on the part of the giant bear, who thought the man was eating panda for lunch. It was actually Panda Express takeout.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Gaza swimming in agent orange

UN - Maniacal GI Josephs are swamping Gaza with cases of orange soda sweetened with aspartame. Thirsty residents are going blind, making easy target practice for the battle hardened well fed troops.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Agent orange soda

The new agent orange, and we may have all tasted it? Orange soda sweetened with aspartame. Tartness dictates an extra dose of highly toxic aspartame. Regular soda to be taxed. Call it a brain tax.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Aspartame companies belly-up to the bar

Bankruptcy courts are gurgling with the sounds of drowning aspartame companies as victims climb out of the mental fog to recover. Aspartame executives belly up to the bar to talk to the judge.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 January 2009
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