There were 890 spoof news snippets published in January 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.

Order by:
Rating:

Flynt, Francis request injection of federal money

With the American economy gone limp, sex drive in the United States has also decreased. Larry Flynt and Joe Francis have requested $5 billion to supplement flaccid DVD sales.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 January 2009
Rating:

Writing on Wall for M & S

Finance gurus claim they saw the writing on the wall for Marks & Spencer belt-tightening the day when they started charging 5 pence for a previously free carrier bag to carry their overpriced tat.

written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Rating:

Miss Who

BBC plans for their new Dr. Who to be a female suffered a setback yesterday when it was discovered that number one choice Jade Goody has a snatch that's actually bigger than the inside of the Tardis.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
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Two Jags warned by Doctors

Porcine Labour MP for Kingston-on Pies, John 'Two Shags' Prescott, who was recently told by doctors to lose four stones of belly fat or die, today lost four stones.

written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Rating:

Puss in Boots?

Celebrity fashion designer Jimmy Choo-Choo comes under fire from feminists for his new line of men's footwear made from the vulvas of female African sloths: They fit like a glove and never wear out.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
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Dolls Hit Top Xmas Toys for 2008

The hit list of top toys for Christmas 2008 were the Barbie and Ken Bondage set followed a close second by the Mrs. Beasley's Abortion Clinic.

written by Rusty, 06 January 2009
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Ice Age kicks in?

The current January deep freeze has got Global Warming nuts squawking like there's no tomorrow. They now claim our atmospheric CO2 discharge cutbacks have gone too far and kicked off another Ice Age.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
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Bank of Sockland

As the Bank of England cuts public banking interest rates to the lowest point in its 315 year history, people are withdrawing their savings and keeping them under the bed in a sock where they're safe.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

"We were using rectal thermometers"

Right-wing media figures apologize for misleading reports on falseness of global warming. They say rectal thermometers used to compile data led to mistaken assessments.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
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Bush holding Republican yard sale

To raise revenue and offset record deficits, Bush will sell items including his Dr. Seuss collection, Schwartzeneggar action figures, and a slinky that's been down every staircase in the White House.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 January 2009
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Mickey D's introduces the "Mad Mac"

Not to be outdone, Mickey D's introduces a cheesed-off cheeseburger featuring livid lettuce, pissed-off peppers, provoked pickles, outraged onions. Available with furious french fries and cross cola.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 January 2009
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"Gaza Strips"

Proposed name for new brand of adhesive bandages marketed towards Palestinians injured by heavy Israeli fire.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
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"Big 3" execs eagerly awaiting W-2's

CEO's and top-level managers short on cash are hoping to e-file returns and have them direct deposited as soon as the documents arrive.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
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Al Franken wins by a hair

...because he's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggonit, barely more than half of Minnesota's voters like him more than Norm Coleman.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
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Global Warming "Nuts" Respond to U.K. Deep Freeze Snippet

Massive amounts of fresh water from melting glaciers flowing into the Atlantic, being less dense than saltwater, have begun to interfere with the Atlantic Conveyer. We hate to say we told you so.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
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"Stock Car" being developed

Several Wall Street brokers have invested in research and development of a automobile that will be powered solely by wild fluctuations in the stock market.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
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New Reality Series - "American Idle"

The latest in a long line of reality TV shows, this one will focus on the struggles of 20 contestants to evade weekly elimination rounds as they compete for a job.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 January 2009
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Superbowl Ads Not So Super This Year

Ads will reflect "somber mood" of America caused by economic decline. Commercials featuring anti-depressant medications expected to be big hits.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
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Norm Coleman orders 300 copies of "Counting for Dummies"

He will distribute the books from the popular series to Minnesotan vote counters when he contests results from the senatorial recount and demands yet another.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 January 2009
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Bush Snubbed In Lunchroom

At 1st meeting of presidents since 1981, Bush not allowed to sit at lunch table with "popular kids" Clinton, Bush Sr., Carter and President-elect Obama because his approval ratings were too low.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
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Extra Protection for Barack Obama

With politicians that possess integrity having recently been added to the "endangered species" list, President-elect Obama will be afforded the highest level security of any President in U.S. history.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 13 January 2009
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Shrodinger's Cat Up For Adoption

Physicists have decided to give up their feline friend, who's behavior is "unpredictable." They hope they can find one of the many worlds in which he might be happier.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Obama names Miley Cyrus Secretary of War

The perky teen sensation will soon have everyone far too busy dancing, singing and "rocking out" to busy themselves with waging war. Like, how cool is that?

written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 January 2009
Rating:

That magic ingredient?

A man sat in a car in a Newcastle, NSW lay-by was approached by police and caught masturbating with his erect member stuck into a jar of spaghetti sauce. So that's the secret Italian ingredient. Ugh!

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Kiev : minus 7 Celsius

Russia revises its 'Hell can freeze over' stance towards supplying gas to the Ukraine after Kiev froze over. It now states it can get a lot colder or Kiev pays its outstanding mega-bucks gas bill.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Blagojevich Replaces Obama's Senate Seat With Old-Fashioned Barber's Chair

This virtually guarantees that, no matter who ends up occupying the Senate seat, they will look as stylish as Blagojevich himself.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 January 2009
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A Solemn Vow...

Hoping to atone for past mistakes, President Bush promised upon the arrival of 2009 "to make this upcoming 9th and final year of my administration really count for something."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
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A Little Off the Sides

After Barack Obama pledged to "keep his nose to the grindstone" to get America back on track, an advisor suggested perhaps he should keep his ears to the grindstone instead.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
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"Survivorman" Brutally Gored

Les Stroud, star of the The Discovery Channel's popular Survivorman series attacked and seriously mauled by a black bear annoyed with Strould's harmonica playing on an otherwise peaceful night.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
Rating:

Chinese Panda Mauls Zoo Visitor

An obvious mistake on the part of the giant bear, who thought the man was eating panda for lunch. It was actually Panda Express takeout.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
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D.C. hotel rooms too expensive for Barack Obama Inauguration

Even Warren Buffett decided to book a room at the Super 6 Motel, saying their $125,000 price tag was "the most reasonable deal" he could find.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
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Israel bombs Red Cross in Gaza

Many believe the bombing was motivated by Red Cross' recent condemnation of Israel for bombing innocent Palestinian civilians, women and children.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
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Ted Haggard "Comes Clean"

The dethroned evangelical icon appeared on Oprah Winfrey's show yesterday, telling her, "Yes, I smoked cock. But I didn't inhale."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 29 January 2009
Rating:

Bush Signs Cookbook Deal

Tentatively titled Recipes for Disaster, the book will include many of Dubya's favorite culinary concoctions, including Subprime Rib, Freddie Macaroni, Mexican Border Tacos and Iraqi Freedom Lemonade.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 January 2009
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Bush Planning Coke Party

Rumors circulating that Bush's post-presidential plans include inhaling longs lines of the white substance. Said Bush, still obviously in the Christmas spirit, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"

written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
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Israel Runs Out of Ammunition

Though Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has announced a unilateral ceasefire to begin Sunday, this is attributed to relentless assaults on Gaza having completely exhausted their ammunition supplies.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 January 2009
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Hero Pilot Never Really Liked Birds

Traumatized by a flock of birds as a child, pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger is reported to have actually steered the plane into the flock of birds, causing the accident.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 January 2009
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Fat-Ass Sheriff gets taste of own medicine

Ordered to spend a day in jail for feeding inmates "woefully insufficient" meals, XXL Alabama Sheriff Greg Bartlett immediately shed 4 pounds and got sick from eating undercooked chicken.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Rating:

Man Attacked by Cougar

Josh Westin, 23, in stable condition after being practically mauled in The Jungle. He claims he had seen her before the attack, as they are both regular patrons of this same bar.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
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High School Cocaine Use Up

Drug use has declined in recent years, except for cocaine use among white high school students. Many now ponder link to high incidence of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder among same group.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
Rating:

NASA Considers "Mars Rover Robot War"

As they have been exploring the same desert for 5 years now, NASA ponders having the rovers battle it out on Mars. Ratings would be huge, generating massive amounts of revenue for the strapped agency.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 13 January 2009
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Robin Leach to Cover Obama Inauguration

Star of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" will be in Washington D.C. for the event, with the scoop on $25,000 a night establishments like Motel 8, Super 6, Holiday, Quality and Worst Western Inns.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 13 January 2009
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Housekeeping Has High Praise for Obama's Honesty

At an economic meeting, Congressional Housekeeping asked Obama to "do his part" and tidy up around the podium at which he spoke, under which they had placed a $100 bill. They are elated at its return.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 January 2009
Rating:

New Star Discovered

To be named Sarah Palinus Major after the governor of Alaska, who's star power was also recently discovered. It's hydrogen supply nearly exhausted, it's thought to be near the end of it's life cycle.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 January 2009
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Strictly Come Boxing

The New Year's Robin Reid vs Jesse Brinkley fight followed the seasonal theme of Peace on Earth and Goodwill to all Men and will go down in kiss and make-up history as Strictly Come Boxing.

written by Rusty, 01 January 2009
Rating:

Gaza Gangster Conundrum.

The Palestinians are reportedly in dire straights as no food or medical aid is reaching them, but they seem to maintain an inexhaustible supply of rockets and mortar rounds to fire off into Israel?

written by Rusty, 01 January 2009
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Senate Republicans expected to snub America

Republican Senators likely to vote against bill that spends $544 billion on America, although they were in favor of spending twice that on a Democratic stimulus package for Iraq.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 29 January 2009
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"Like Apples and Oranges"

Minnesota divided in battle for Official State Fruit. Apples win by 1 vote. Reuben Naranja seeks court-ordered recount; claims votes in Johnny Appleseed's district counted twice.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 January 2009
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Peace not pieces

Palestinians in Gaza petition the UN to force Israel to halt its saturation bombing campaign of their territory and leave Gaza in peace, not pieces.

written by Rusty, 01 January 2009
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Time Well Spent

An extra second was added to Earth's clocks to keep solar time and the atomic clock in sync this year. Rush Limbaugh used the extra time to bash liberals.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
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Two minutes silence

Millions across the UK will observe a two minute silence at 11:00 am on New Year's Day to mark the sad passing of every growing child's favourite shoplifting outlet : Woolworths

written by Rusty, 01 January 2009
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Housing Prices Crash

Property agents around London are reporting that two-bedroom cardboard boxes under Blackfriars Bridge (a sought-after accommodation area) are now going for as little as £280,000.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
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Global Warming Licked?

January's cold snap in the UK, with water pipes iced up and pensioners frozen to their armchairs, has proved a boon for the Greenhouse Effect Doomsayers who now state we've beaten Global Warming.

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Rating:

Missing: who me?

A ten-year-old Watford girl reported as missing after she ran away from home after a row with her parents on Saturday, told police she knew where she was all the time.

written by Rusty, 01 January 2009
Rating:

Department of the Bloody Obvious Strikes Again:

A man in his late teens who fell 20 metres from a roof in the West Midlands was tended to by paramedics then taken to Russells Hall Hospital, and is believed to have sustained injuries.

written by Rusty, 01 January 2009
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Public idiot No.1

Chicago police have arrested a man who robbed a bank using a threatening note written on the back of his own pay cheque which contained his name and address.

written by Rusty, 01 January 2009
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Interest rates?

If the Bank Of England has cut interest rates to 1.5% why are credit card companies still charging us 26% interest on our monthly billings?

written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
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Michelin rating downgraded

The derelict Lee Bay Hotel in Ilfracombe, Devon was badly damaged by fire last night and will now be downgraded to three star status.

written by Rusty, 01 January 2009
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Pan-EU driving offence enforcement a Joke

In 2008 UK speed cameras spotted 169,361 offending foreign vehicles that could not be pursued or prosecuted because they were not registered on the DVLA computer system.

written by Rusty, 06 January 2009
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China to 'clean up' Internet

Chinese censors say images of pretty girls in suggestive poses accessed via the internet are unhealthy and damage men's physical and mental health by causing erections and the need to masturbate

written by Rusty, 06 January 2009
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UK Bloody Train Service

Northern Russia's Murmansk Express pulled into Leningrad five minutes early this morning yet Britain lapses into chaos at the first hint of snow with London-bound trains delayed indefinitely.

written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
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Money to Burn

Tory leader David Cameron called the government's £12bn VAT cut "a joke" and said Gordon Brown may as well have burned the money. Mr. Brown later admitted that was precisely what had happened to it.

written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Rating:

Brown pledges 2009 Apprenticeships

PM Brown is to initiate 35000 apprenticeships if he can find any youths that are interested or any industrial companies still in operation to hire them. Has this bloke not heard about the recession?

written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Rating:

Pottery firm 'Broke'.

Iconic china and ceramics firm Waterford Wedgwood goes into administration after their research department's failure to come up with an novel and unbreakable bouncing clay.

written by Rusty, 06 January 2009
Rating:

Water pipes freeze in Wales

Welsh Water blamed the current cold snap for freezing supply pipes to people's homes, commenting it wasn't quite what they expected from the global warming situation.

written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Rating:

Gaza to supply Israel with missiles

Israel halts the bombardment of Gaza as they have run out of missiles. Gaza says it has plenty left and has promised to send some over very shortly.

written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Rating:

"I saw Mummy blowin' Santa Claus"

6 year-old Kristy McGammer set a first for her local Neighbourhood watch on Xmas Eve when she reported her Mother for adultery after seeing her giving Santa midnight fellatio on the stairs.

written by Rusty, 03 January 2009
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Scientists dismiss 'Detox' myth

Sense About Science reviewed hundreds of detox products, saying all are more scent than substance. Just consume plenty of fresh fruits, veggies and water, and have a good crap every day.

written by Rusty, 06 January 2009
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Total Fitness Power Station

A UK gym has installed exercise bikes fitted with dynamos that generate electricity as people work out. One bike pedalled at 15mph can power a vibrating egg for orgasm after orgasm.

written by Rusty, 03 January 2009
Rating:

Johnny Twat

Did anyone see Lydon in the audience of "Loose Women" this week. He seemed engrossed when David Dickenson came on the show . Does he now spend all of his time watching 3rd rate TV shows ?. The twat.

written by Kent Pete, 01 January 2009
Rating:

Colour Discrimination


The BBC is to replace a doll based on the Upsy Daisy character from In the Night Garden as critics say it is too light-skinned. The replacement doll will be a seasick vomit shade of Hulk green.

written by Rusty, 06 January 2009
Rating:

Gash Stitch-up

Upon hearing the urban myth anecdote that the size of a woman's mouth indicates of the size of her vagina, Cherie Bair and Donatella Versace have booked into a Swiss clinic for genital restructuring

written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Rating:

Mini-Me drowns

Austin Powers 'Mini-Me' actor Verne Troyer, tipped by Ladbrokes to win the Celebrity Big Brother contest, was discovered to have drowned earlier today while swimming in the house's goldfish bowl.

written by Rusty, 04 January 2009
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Marks & Spencer Boss: no pay raise.

M & S boss Sir Stuart Rose said that in light of the company lay-offs he will not be taking a pay raise this year. But for a guy who earned over £7 million in salary and bonuses in 2006/07: big deal.

written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
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Stay fat : stay well

Doctors say avoid New Year resolution diets or the immune system might be compromised and leave you prone to contracting the latest bout of evil flu' that's doing the rounds.

written by Rusty, 03 January 2009
Rating:

Jungle Jane abuse case

A burglar broke into three adult shops in Queensland, inflated several Jungle Jane blow up dolls and then had sex with them in a nearby alley. Police have taken DNA samples left at the crime scenes.

written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Rating:

Moggi to do Time in Cat's Home

Former Juventus soccer club general manager Luciano Moggi has been sentenced to 18 years of community service at a Milan orphanage for stray cats after being found guilty of corruption.

written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Rating:

Numbie

A man held up his own bank but had much cash to fit in his bag so deposited the excess banknotes in his savings account. Police traced him through the deposit slip details.

written by Rusty, 03 January 2009
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Stable?

A horse that plunged into an abandoned well in a field in Yorkshire has been rescued and returned home. A vet' told the press the animal was now in a 'stable' condition.

written by Rusty, 03 January 2009
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Hanging Chads?

Ghana's new President, Jonjon Atilla Mills, declared his party had won the election with an outright majority. Apparently the victor isn't the politician with the most votes but the most guns.

written by Rusty, 04 January 2009
Rating:

Woolworths Xmas Gift to Jersey Staff : Sweet FA

In a typical corporate "Fu*ck the Workers" move, Woolworths Jersey have denied 120 staff their due lay-off pay, stating UK redundancy rules do not apply on the Channel Islands.

written by Rusty, 04 January 2009
Rating:

Pro-Nazi NDP back Israel

Germany's pro-Nazi NDP party throw their all-out support behind Israel's genocidal attacks on Gaza and its Palestinian population, stating "We taught them all they know about ethnic cleansing."

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Johnny not so Rotten

I'm sure I spotted Lydon in the "Question Time" audience on Thursday. He didn't say anything though, just sat there eating what looked like a Hot Cross bun. Steve.J, Camden Town, London

written by Kent Pete, 01 January 2009
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Diet Dilemma

Doctors tell people to follow the 5 a day plan for a healthy diet but 60% of the UK thinks it means 5 portions of beans on toast while the other 40% went for 3 pints of lager and 2 bags of crisps.

written by Rusty, 03 January 2009
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House prices at 2004 level

UK building societies announce house prices have now dropped to the 2004 level, which as any fool will remember, were still too expensive for the average family to afford to buy.

written by Rusty, 03 January 2009
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Going-and going-and going

NASA celebrates the Mars rover 'Spirit' still going - and going - and going - after five years - thanks to Ever Ready's Off-World Superlife Lithium batteries.

written by Rusty, 04 January 2009
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Bailiffs to Exterminate Tardis Squatters

Now the BBC has a new recruit to play their millenniums old Time Lord, they are now applying for a court order to evict squatters from the abandoned and derelict Dr. Who Time Machine 'Tardis'

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Speedo's

My uncle was so annoyed about getting thrown out of the public baths yesterday. It was only when he got home he realised the 'S' had fallen off his swimming trunks.

written by Kent Pete, 01 January 2009
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Jackoff gets 'Split Conversion' Therapy

Cheated investors got even with bailed fraudster Bernie Jackoff yesterday by adopting his own fanciful money-spinning 'split-conversion strategy' when they chopped him into pieces to feed their dogs.

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Seymour Justifies School Bombing

Israel's Minister for Ethnic Cleansing Seymour Scrunt today justified the bombing of a Gaza school that killed 40 children, saying at least they can't grow up to join Hamas and become suicide bombers.

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
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Mickey Makes a Comeback

Mickey Rourke stars in his comeback film The Wrestler, which he described as a "physically and emotionally brutal shoot" for a guy who's fucked his body and mind up with booze and drugs for so long.

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
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J-Lo

J-Lo is so cool making her name up from the first letter in her first name and the first two in her second. I wonder why Pete Doherty doesn't do the same?

written by Kent Pete, 01 January 2009
Rating:

'Green Shoots of Recovery' Comment taken Out of Context

Business minister Baroness Vadera has said that her comment;

'she could see Green Shoots of Recovery' was taken out of context. She made them when she was showing a Sun reporter her potting shed.

written by IN SEINE, 14 January 2009
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Question of the Century !

Who bought Simon Cowell a bra? Will, Cheryl or Wossie?
All three apparently chucked a few bob in at Victoria's Secret for the bra as Cowell is such a prize tit.

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Dr. What Competition

The BBC is to hold another of their acclaimed scandalous No-Win Phone-In competitions for viewers to guess who the next Time Lord occupant of Dr. What?'s Tardis will be.

written by Rusty, 04 January 2009
Rating:

Woolworths saved from Closure.

Polynesian 'Poundshed' tycoon Turbo Tatswiller has bought out the ailing High Street retailer lock, stock and barrel, which is to be reopened under the new trading banner of 'Woolworthless'.

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
Rating:

Prince Harry Retracks His 'Raghead' Slur (Sort of)

Prince Harry of England has apologized for calling an Arab a 'Raghead.' Harry said, "I do apologize for calling him a 'Raghead,' I really meant to call him a 'Camel Jockey.'

written by Abel Rodriguez, 11 January 2009
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Where's the Weed?

The deaths of two men, Bill and Ben, whose bodies were fished out of the River Slugg in Herefordshire, are being treated as suspicious due both having their feet firmly jammed in large plant pots.

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Centre Court : Wimbledon

Hundreds of Parkinson's disease sufferers who've been improving their digital dexterity by manualising tennis balls have been selected to play at Wimbledon this summer.

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

M & S cut staff

High Street retailer Marks and Spencer it is to cut more than 1000 jobs. Worker-orientated Karl Marks is to lay off 1 accountant while Frank Spencer is to fire his 999-man strong maintenance staff.

written by Rusty, 07 January 2009
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