Spoof news snippets from Monday 9 February 2009
Tiger Woods' Wife Has A Tiger Cub
Tiger Woods' wife Elin has just given birth to a son. The couple named him Putter...after one of Elin's grandmothers.
The city of Atlanta's Department of Human Services says that they fear a pregnancy epidemic. Last week three women ages 25, 26, and 29, told a case worker that they are grandmothers.
Tokyo, Japan's auto giant, Nissan will be laying off 20,000 employees. The CEO says if things do not get better Nissan may have to outsource their operations to America.
BBC iPlayer criticised
It's all repeats, says Ofcom.
The unfindable Wally has today been found on the London underground hiding behind the Times newspaper.
Russel Howard questioned over live DVD joke
Russel Howard the up coming British comedian has today been questioned over a joke made in his live DVD about placing marbles inside his brothers arse to become a wizard.
GMC Penny Stocks?
According to a Wall Street Journal report, General Motors sales in January fell below that of the Brooklyn Bridge for the first time.
Senator Franken Brings Whoopee Cushions
Al Franken, who says he's the new Senator from Minnesota, says he's ready to join the other 99 jokers already there.
Doomsday Report Sugar-Coated
A National Independent Economic Panel says that the one trillion dollar bailout will not help the U.S. economy. Critics immediately accuse the panel of "Sugar-coating" the report.
Archaeologists Completely Stumped
Archaeologists say they don't know exactly what came out of a recently discovered tomb in Egypt but that it took their legs out from under them, leaving them completely stumped.
Obama Changes Terms
President Obama renames Recession: "a blip on the radar screen of life.", Depression: "Just a few chickens roosting here and there."
Prince Charles spotted riding a swan!
When questioned about this his callous reply was: "Well I would ride a duck but the bloody asylum seekers have eaten them all."
Bin Laden the musical
Sir Andrew Llyod Webber has decided to compose a musical based on Osama Bin Laden and has said to appear on the westend later this year
Footage of US Octuplets released:
New Prison in Blackpool
Desicion past to build prison next to the new casino in Blackpool to allow people with gambling problems who will commit offences in future to walk across the corridor into the prison.
Dennis Rodman's X-Rated Book
Ex-NBA star Dennis Rodman has written a book entitled, "Please Buy My X-Rated Book, I Need More Piercings & Tattoos."
Michael & Janet, and Jack & Jill
Michael Jackson and sister Janet Jackson will star in the Walt Disney film, "The Adventures of Jack & Jill." Details have not been finalized, but it is believed that Michael will be playing Jack.
Kelloggs: Have A Rice Day
China is experiencing its worst drought in decades. Water will have to be diverted from the Yangtze River and the Yellow River. One farmer said, "Otherwise American's no get Rice Krispies cereal."
Neil Diamond - The Timex Watch of Singers
Neil Diamond was honored at the Grammy's for his amazing 85 years in the music business.
Heather Locklear's Next Venture
Heather Locklear, who has recently fallen out of the limelight says that she has been hired to work at a Burbank Wal-Mart as a 'Gorgeous Greeter.'
This is not just an ordinary gimp mask, this is a soft Spanish leather, with ermine fur trim and silicone mouth ball gimp mask. This is an S&M gimp mask. Your S&M for the finest bondage gear.
Portsmouth axe Tony Adams - Police called in
Police were called into Fratton Park after Tony Adams was axed by the Board, he suffered cuts to his arms, and legs. Adams is in a stable condition, but his managerial career is in intensive care.
The Gibb's Housekeeper's Brand New Bee Gee Baby
Bee Gee's singer Barry Gibb's housekeeper gives birth to his baby. Barry's wife, Dwina is furious and says, "Our housekeeper was only supposed to service our house not my damn husband."
Christian Bale - The Unranter
Christian Bale's manager says that in order to counteract the tons of bad publicity his client has experienced due to his recent childish rantings, in his next film, Mr. Bale will portray a nun.
The Brangelina 'Tarzan & Jane' Movie
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will star in "Tarzan & Jane - The Search For Jungle Booty." The film will be rated 'R' due to strong language, vine violence, anaconda abuse, and tree house coitus.
Elizabeth Hurley Would Have Married Hugh Grant But...
Actress Elizabeth Hurley reveals that she would have married actor Hugh Grant except for the fact that he liked to be called "Lucy."
Shakira's Hips Don't Lie
Due to years of exotic belly dancing moves during her concerts, Colombian singer Shakira has announced that she will have to have a belly and hip transplant.
Darling's prompt action on bank bonuses
Alistair Darling, the Chancellor, said yesterday that he was seriously considering having a meeting to set up a working group to have an enquiry into banker's bonuses. It will report in 2009 or 2010.