Spoof news snippets from Sunday 8 February 2009
RBS losses & bonus are world record
Losses for 2008 at 68% public-owned Royal Bank of Scotland expected to top £28billion. The chairman commented; "We are looking forward to a record-breaking obscenely outrageous bonus this year".
New Nerve Discovery!
Doctors have discovered a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
Peaches Geldof to Divorce Husband
Peaches Geldof and her singer husband Max Drummey are to divorce after six months. Peaches now wants to marry Lol Creme (of Godley & Creme fame). "Peaches and Creme sounds much better!" she said.
Trinidad Bans Atlantic Swimmer!
Jennifer Figge took 24 days to swim from the Cape Verde islands off Africa to Trinidad has been denied access to enter the country because she forgot her passport. She now has to swim back for it!
Five Unusual New Stars Discovered
Scientists have identified five new stars which, strangely, were not allocated by the author of the article concerned. Roy Turse refused to comment.
Obama in oval office stimulation initiative.
American women are being urged by the president to help their men develop a huge, United States stimulus package by letting their mens 'Obamas' have more access to their 'oval offices'.
Feenamint Prez On Working Vacation
John Roberts Stevenson, president and CEO of the Feenamint Company announced to the company Saturday that he is going on a two-week "working vacation".
Turks Threat To Kurds
President Barack Obama has supposedly told his cabinet in the Oval office Friday that he thinks Turkey's threat to the Kurds in northern Iraq is just so much gobbledygook.
Code Orange Target
A code orange has been announced by Homeland Security this morning predicting that the next U.S. target will be a Target Store.
Bush looking for new job
George W Bush, the ex-president of the USA, has been appointed chairman of a UN committee for world peace. On arrival at his new post, he immediately declared "Mission accomplished" and resigned.
Ghost Limb Walking
Visitors to the site of an old confederate prison hospital ward report seeing a ghost limb walking the old halls at night.
Tooth Fairy Dead
The Charleston Crier in West Virginia has reported that "Bertie The Tooth Fairy" for their state has died from exhaustion.
Young Whippersnapper's in Somerset, Kentucky pretend to be totally devastated to hear the news from grandfather that they can't have their cake and eat it too.
Monkey's Uncle Surprised
A monkey's uncle was totally surprised by his birthday celebration over the weekend at the San Diego Zoo. "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle", signed the surprised chimp.
They thinks it's all over...
As the French navy has its only ship dismantled at Teeside, snails and garic have been found thriving in asbestos beds in the bottom of the ship. The French want to reclaim it, but its too late!
The Credit Card With A $100,000 Limit
A man in Ohio has been arrested for trying to buy a house with a stolen credit card. As he was being led away, he remarked, "I don't understand last week I bought a brand new Greyhound bus with it."
The Latest In Hysterectomies
A gynecologist in Ireland has just written a book that promises to be a best seller. The book is entitled, "How You Can Perform Your Own Hysterectomy In The Privacy of Your Own Home."
The Not-So-Bright Liquor Store Robber
Police in Tulsa are looking for a man who held up a liquor store and escaped with two cans of salted peanuts. The store clerk described the robber as being short, fat, and somewhat stupid.
The Baby Stroller Races Have Been Banned
The city of Reno has banned what was to have been the Second Annual Baby Stroller Races. Authorities said that they had reports that last year's races scared the heck out of too many babies.
Rapper 50-Cent's New Name
The manager of rapper 50-Cent announces that due to the continuing economic decline his client will be changing his name to 40-Cent.
New British Them Park to feature Mr Golliwog's Wild Ride
When England opens its latest amusement park, Maggie's Carol Thatcher will cut the ribbon for the new feature entertainment, Mr Golliwog's Wild Ride.
Peaches Geldoff marriage is over
The marriage of Peaches Geldoff and Max Drummey is over after just six months. A spokesman said "the couple finally sobered up this morning."
Brown: "Sorry, Jeremy, I made a mistake, but the taxpayers have come to depend on my idiocy and monocularity."