Spoof news snippets from Friday 6 February 2009
George W. Bush approval rating on the rise
With "Dubya" no longer president, opinion polls indicate people's feelings about Bush beginning slow, inexorable climb back to "moderate disdain" and "mild nausea."
Another "Green Revolution"
Potheads everywhere rally around Michael Phelps after Kell Logg Flake Company drops the Olympic champion as spokesman. They say they won't be satisfying their munchies with Kell Logg products anymore.
"Gateway Drug" Peddler Kell Logg drops Phelps
Due to British tabloid photo of Phelps smoking weed, makers of Super Sugar Buzz, Sugar Frosted Fakes, Crack Smackin' Pops and Kilo-Blur Cookies decide not to renew contract with Olympic champion.
Gnats To You
Scientists have now invented a computer chip the size of a gnat's ass that holds the entire two million year history of the gnats.
Democrats and Republicans bickering more than ever and wasting taxpayer money over how to get the United States out of its financial crisis, have renamed the Potomac River, Shit Creek.
Banana Boat Vets
The "Banana Boat Vets" have accused Harry Belafonte of stealing their traditional song and having never been on a
Banana Boat in his life.
Gore Consults Groundhog
Al Gore was spotted at 3AM in the morning, talking to Pauxatawney Phil and taking down notes. Now we know the identity of "Deep Hole".
Economy Collapses School
The worldwide economy collapse has now reached even to Afghanistan. Today, their School For Suicide Bombers had to shut their door and blow up the building as a final gesture.
Fig Myth De-Rolled
We can reveal the answer to the age old question,'How do they get the figs into fig rolls?' Prof Box official said "You get the figs then wrap the pastry around it. Are you people fucking retarded?"
Punxsutawney Phil is Cuter Than Donald Rumsfeld
Warner Brothers Pictures announces that it has cast Donald Rumsfeld to play the lead in the movie "Punxsutawney Phil." Rumsfeld says he knows all about reading from a prepared script.
Kelloggs And Its Law-Abiding Cereal
Kelloggs has dropped its sponsorship of olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps. A representative for the cereal company said, "We just don't want kids thinking they can eat cereal from a bong."
Nadya 'The Baby Machine' Suleman
Nadya Suleman talks to reporters. She smiled as she sat with her hands clasped between her legs and said, "My goal is to have at least 100 babies by the time I'm 40." Can you spell Guinness?
Cheney Turns Down Reality Show
Former Bush Vice President Dick Cheney has turned down an offer by The Fox Network to star in his own reality show. Cheney refused saying, "I can't. Because I don't know what reality is."
The Smelly Fox News Studios?
The mysterious maple syrup-like odor in New York City has been traced. The smell was coming from New Jersey. Mayor Bloomberg said, "Thank goodness, I thought it was coming from the Fox News studios."
Woman Of Octuplets Changes Story
A California woman who gave birth to octuplets last week now claims she was raped by the insidious Doctor Octopus!
Donald 'Mr. WMD' Rumsfeld
Donald Rumsfeld was recently seen wandering aimlessly in a Toledo, Ohio mall. When approached by a security guard, Rumsfeld reportedly said he was just looking for the weapons of mass destruction.
Darwin the old man
Evolutionary biologist, Eve O'Lucion, has said that if Charles Darwin was alive today, he would be two hundred years old.
Another Emergency Landing
In an apparent mix-up, a small plane's motor quit in California this morning so, as an emergency measure, he landed it on Joan Rivers.
Exclusive: Miley Cyrus dating Gordon Brown
The teeny pop queen has revealed she is dating the UK Prime Minister. "It was love at first sight!" she cooed. "I need to stop being so upbeat and happy..he's a miserable old bastard, so its perfect!"
UFO Cleared Up
The United States Air Force has stated this morning that the UFO reported by many last night in the sky over California was actually Amy Winehouse, high as a kite.
There's "Still Life"
Art students at Berkeley, California applaud having a Viagra Pill and a Nude Old Man used as models for their "Still Life" paintings.
McCain Remembers OLD Times
John McCain met with the Dalai Lama last week and told him a funny story about an incarnation he ran into back in 1882.
Bobbit Schools Record Clip
Even though many small store chains are going out of business in the slow economy, The Lorena Bobbitt Self-Defence Schools are advancing at a record clip.
Ex-VP Dick Cheney suggested yesterday that the country should use democrat crappola for an alternative fuel source.
Sometimes Gets Stuck
According to an article in yesterday's "The Questioner", a 500-pound man in New York City has to use two commodes.
Shepard still trying to complete hole
NASA astronaut Alan B Shepard is still trying to complete the golf hole he started on the moon on this day back in 1971. He is now 2 billion over par.
Nelson's false teeth up for auction
There was excitement in the auction world today when it was revealed Nelson's false teeth would be coming up for sale. Mr Mandela is believed to have had new teeth made last year.