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George W. Bush approval rating on the rise

With "Dubya" no longer president, opinion polls indicate people's feelings about Bush beginning slow, inexorable climb back to "moderate disdain" and "mild nausea."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2009
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Another "Green Revolution"

Potheads everywhere rally around Michael Phelps after Kell Logg Flake Company drops the Olympic champion as spokesman. They say they won't be satisfying their munchies with Kell Logg products anymore.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2009
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"Gateway Drug" Peddler Kell Logg drops Phelps

Due to British tabloid photo of Phelps smoking weed, makers of Super Sugar Buzz, Sugar Frosted Fakes, Crack Smackin' Pops and Kilo-Blur Cookies decide not to renew contract with Olympic champion.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2009
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Gnats To You

Scientists have now invented a computer chip the size of a gnat's ass that holds the entire two million year history of the gnats.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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Bickering Bozos

Democrats and Republicans bickering more than ever and wasting taxpayer money over how to get the United States out of its financial crisis, have renamed the Potomac River, Shit Creek.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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Banana Boat Vets

The "Banana Boat Vets" have accused Harry Belafonte of stealing their traditional song and having never been on a
Banana Boat in his life.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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Gore Consults Groundhog

Al Gore was spotted at 3AM in the morning, talking to Pauxatawney Phil and taking down notes. Now we know the identity of "Deep Hole".

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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Economy Collapses School

The worldwide economy collapse has now reached even to Afghanistan. Today, their School For Suicide Bombers had to shut their door and blow up the building as a final gesture.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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Fig Myth De-Rolled

We can reveal the answer to the age old question,'How do they get the figs into fig rolls?' Prof Box official said "You get the figs then wrap the pastry around it. Are you people fucking retarded?"

written by McKiernan, 06 February 2009
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Punxsutawney Phil is Cuter Than Donald Rumsfeld

Warner Brothers Pictures announces that it has cast Donald Rumsfeld to play the lead in the movie "Punxsutawney Phil." Rumsfeld says he knows all about reading from a prepared script.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 February 2009
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Kelloggs And Its Law-Abiding Cereal

Kelloggs has dropped its sponsorship of olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps. A representative for the cereal company said, "We just don't want kids thinking they can eat cereal from a bong."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 February 2009
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Nadya 'The Baby Machine' Suleman

Nadya Suleman talks to reporters. She smiled as she sat with her hands clasped between her legs and said, "My goal is to have at least 100 babies by the time I'm 40." Can you spell Guinness?

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 February 2009
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Cheney Turns Down Reality Show

Former Bush Vice President Dick Cheney has turned down an offer by The Fox Network to star in his own reality show. Cheney refused saying, "I can't. Because I don't know what reality is."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 February 2009
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The Smelly Fox News Studios?

The mysterious maple syrup-like odor in New York City has been traced. The smell was coming from New Jersey. Mayor Bloomberg said, "Thank goodness, I thought it was coming from the Fox News studios."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 February 2009
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Woman Of Octuplets Changes Story

A California woman who gave birth to octuplets last week now claims she was raped by the insidious Doctor Octopus!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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Donald 'Mr. WMD' Rumsfeld

Donald Rumsfeld was recently seen wandering aimlessly in a Toledo, Ohio mall. When approached by a security guard, Rumsfeld reportedly said he was just looking for the weapons of mass destruction.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 February 2009
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Darwin the old man

Evolutionary biologist, Eve O'Lucion, has said that if Charles Darwin was alive today, he would be two hundred years old.

written by IainB, 06 February 2009
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Another Emergency Landing

In an apparent mix-up, a small plane's motor quit in California this morning so, as an emergency measure, he landed it on Joan Rivers.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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Exclusive: Miley Cyrus dating Gordon Brown

The teeny pop queen has revealed she is dating the UK Prime Minister. "It was love at first sight!" she cooed. "I need to stop being so upbeat and happy..he's a miserable old bastard, so its perfect!"

written by fmirthy, 06 February 2009
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UFO Cleared Up

The United States Air Force has stated this morning that the UFO reported by many last night in the sky over California was actually Amy Winehouse, high as a kite.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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There's "Still Life"

Art students at Berkeley, California applaud having a Viagra Pill and a Nude Old Man used as models for their "Still Life" paintings.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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McCain Remembers OLD Times

John McCain met with the Dalai Lama last week and told him a funny story about an incarnation he ran into back in 1882.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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Bobbit Schools Record Clip

Even though many small store chains are going out of business in the slow economy, The Lorena Bobbitt Self-Defence Schools are advancing at a record clip.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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Alternative Energy

Ex-VP Dick Cheney suggested yesterday that the country should use democrat crappola for an alternative fuel source.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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Sometimes Gets Stuck

According to an article in yesterday's "The Questioner", a 500-pound man in New York City has to use two commodes.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2009
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Shepard still trying to complete hole

NASA astronaut Alan B Shepard is still trying to complete the golf hole he started on the moon on this day back in 1971. He is now 2 billion over par.

written by bigfella comedy, 06 February 2009
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Nelson's false teeth up for auction

There was excitement in the auction world today when it was revealed Nelson's false teeth would be coming up for sale. Mr Mandela is believed to have had new teeth made last year.

written by NODDY, 06 February 2009
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