Spoof news snippets from Thursday 5 February 2009
In California, baby boy has been born with 24 perfectly formed fingers and toes - 6 on each hand and foot. "When he grows up he will be useful for thumbing a lift or flipping the bird" doctors said.
Etta James, 71, Be Wantin' To Kick Beyonce's Ass!
Etta James, 71, threatens to kick Beyonce's ass. Beyonce says, "The old sister is just pissed off 'cause her fat ass drags the floor...hey, ain't my fault the old bitch got industrial cellulite."
IHOP's Latest Meal Deal: The Pancake Bailout
IHOP is the latest company to ask for a 'bailout.' A spokesman for the hot cake franchise said, "We do wish that we could say that our hot cakes are selling like hot cakes but they're not."
Mrs. Dick Cheney - The Cheney That Has Some Sense
Dick Cheney keeps saying over and over that there are going to be catastrophic nuclear and biological terrorist attacks. People are sick of hearing him. Even his wife, said, "Dicky, shut the F up!"
Bill "Mosquito Man" Gates
Bill Gates, billionaire founder of Microsoft released a swarm of mosquitoes at a California conference in order to make a point. Sales of 'Off' in the Golden State went through the roof.
Colin & Condoleezza Bunker
Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice will star in a remake of the TV sitcom, "All In The Family." Powell will star as Archie Bunker and Rice will portray his wife Edith. The show will be set in Harlem.
Bin Laden Awaits Sign From God
Osama Bin Laden is waiting for a sign from God after the change in administration in the US. He is keen to see a burning Bush!
Bush Approval Rating Up!
Since George Bush's retirement, his approval rating has climbed steadily and has now passed that of "having a boil on my ass".
Boomers Booming Again!
Much to the surprise of census takers, the number of baby boomers keeps increasing as several 60-year-olds are now having babies.
Miley Sues Hannah
In Nashville this morning, Miley Cyrus of Franklin, Tennessee announced that she is suing Hannah Montana for plagiarism.
Home Foreclosures Up!
A government spokesman reported on ABC News this morning that home foreclosures this week has more than doubled those of last week.
A Confused McCain
A confused John McCain told reporters today that it was probably a big mistake naming Sarah Palin as his VP. "I should have chosen Cliff Claven. He would have brought some excitement to the ticket."
Citizens Of Sugarpoot Amazed
The people of Sugarpoot, Tennessee were amazed when it was revealed this morning that a local shitface was, indeed, a tea totaler. "He just looks like that", stated Sheriff Pusser.
Spoof Writer Complains Snippets Not Long Enough
Spoof writer NickFun complained today about the 200 character limit for Spoof snippets. "Many of my snippets need at least 250 characters", Otherwise they cut me
Singer and heavy drinker Amy Winehouse has announced that she wants to take the Pledge. Doctors have warned her that drinking furniture polish could seriously damage her already delicate health.
In an interview today Pete Doherty stated that he is not going to take any more drugs. On the other hand he is not going to take any less either.
Bank of England Cuts Interest
The Bank of England announced today that the Monetary Policy Committee was no longer interested in the UK. Mervyn King said, "UK PLC is too far gone to save - we're investing in Zimbabwean Dollars".
Country Braced for 'Big Dump'
The UK is braced for a 'Big Dump' overnight, as PM Gordon Brown has his annual bowel movement. Chaos is forecast as last time he had one, he shat on the economy.
Richard Branson claims Virgin Mary a breach of copyright
Virgin, the large, international media and electronics corporation, are to sue the Catholic Church for unsolicited and excessive use of the word 'virgin'. Pope: "Don't worry, we have plenty of money."
Obama smokes foul tasting cigar
Barrack Obama reported that the cigars he found in the bottom of the oval office desk tasted foul. No one had the heart to tell him that they were part of Bill Clinton's collection.
Collectors Outraged at 7" Obama figurine...
...expected a rendering of his likeness, received a 7" porcelin cast of his penis instead.
Detroit - Beverly Hills East?
Ex-Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is released from The Detroit Jail after serving 99 days. He told reporters, "You guys think Detroit is hell, shit, compared to jail, Detroit is Beverly Hills."
Ann "The Toothpick" Coulter
A close friend of Ann Coulter told her she's worried about her. Ann asked her why. And she replied, "Oh, I don't know, I guess it's probably because you're 6 foot 3 and you only weigh 81 pounds."
Ex-Governor Blagojevich's Excuse #18
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich who has blamed his troubles on 17 different things is now saying that his problems all stem from global warming.
Elizabeth Edwards Tell-All Book
Elizabeth Edwards (John's wife) is writing a book on politics titled, "John Edwards is Nice, Barack Obama is Good, John McCain is Old, and That Tomboy Sarah Palin Shoots Animals From a Helicopter."
Camilla Parker Bowles (aka Carol Thatcher)
The BBC is reporting that Carol Thatcher has won The Camilla Parker Bowles Look-a-Like Contest...or is it Camilla Parker Bowles has won The Carol Thatcher Look-a-Like Contest?
Monica Blows Candles
In San Francisco yesterday, Monica Lewinsky had no trouble at all blowing out all her candles on her 35th birthday. "Piece of cake", stated Monica.
Tornadoes Offered For Hurricane
Midwest America has offered to trade five Spring tornadoes to the South for Fall wildfires and a hurricane to be named later.
Farmer's Almanac Hit By Recession
200 writers for the Farmer's Almanac Magazine have been laid off after botching this year's annual woolly worm winter predictions.
Bum On Joyride!
There was a seven shopping cart pile up on a Manhattan street yesterday caused by a bum on a joyride after hijacking a cart from one of the bag ladies.
Pilgrimage To Hollywood Next Monday
Next Monday, Hollywood, California is preparing for millions making annual holy pilgrimage to the Shirley Temple.
Calling Dr. Phil
Several garbage collectors have been calling Dr. Phil of late, complaining of an offal burden.
Another NYC Crane Collapse
Still another Crane collapses in New York City. This time it's Frasier while visiting from Seattle.
Blagojevich to Open Franchises
Rod Blagojevich is in conference with his attorneys about a new venture: Blago's Paczkis. To be sold in custom shops, the fruit filled sweets are a mid-western specialty which could sweep the nation.
Palin Heads to London
Alaska Gov Sarah Palin is flying to London to provide aide and comfort to folks suffering from a 4 inch (9.8 cm) snow storm, which the Gov calls "a piece of cake."
Jess: "Do These Pants Make Me Look Fat?"
Press coverage of Jessica Simpson this week roundly (sic) answered the perennial female question: "Do These Pants Make Me Look Fat?"
Quasimodo On The Run
Being chased by a bunch of kids in Moss Side, Quasimodo was heard to say: "Ive told you, I haven't got your fucking ball!"
Man Bites Dog
A veterinarian treating Jaques Chirac's dog for a human bite said he brought the dog in apologizing, "I'm sorry: I just got annoyed at the little fluffball, and thought 'there, how do you like it?'"
Jackson Hewitt, H & R Block, and other tax services rush to the aid of Obama appointees
IRS offers amnesty to all Cabinet appointees if they pay back taxes by February 28th.
Obama family drops offer to purchase formerly selected first dog
Barack and Michelle were afraid of the political fallout when it was discovered that the puppy had not paid taxes.
Just One More
California mother of fourteen children under the age of 8, Nadya Suleman, admits she would like to have "just one more"