Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 4 February 2009
Salt reserves in Britain Critical
The bad news is that salt reserves in Britain are critical, but the good news is that it has plenty of pepper in stock!
Snowbound Britain: Low on Salt
Snowbound Britain is dangereously low on salt and food manufacturers are to blame - "They've been adding far too much for over a decade!" claims Celebrity Chef, Jamie Oliver
Beckham / Rooney transfer agreed
David Beckham and Wayne Rooney have agreed terms for a wife swap in the next transfer window.
The Guinness Book of Records (Tits' Section)
Houston woman has her eighth boob job. She's now a size 38-KKK and she'll appear in The Guinness Book of World Records for having the biggest breasts in the world. Her photo will take up 2 pages.
The 61-Year-Old Rolling Stone
Rolling Stones' guitarist Ron Wood, 61, recently said about his Russian girlfriend Ekaterina Ivanova who is 20, "I may 'ave to dump 'er. She's gettin' a bit on in years ya know."
Paris Gets The Cold Shoulder
Paris Hilton is upset that her British friends are all ignoring her while she is visiting England. One California friend say that Paris has no friends in Britain.
Iceland declares war on Darling
Huge Icelandic trawler fleet spotted off Scottish west coast displaying skull and crossbone flags.
Nike takes Step In Right Direction
Nike Shoes has announced that, after much sole searching, they are canceling all contracts with countries who use child labor.
Suicide Bomber Backs Out
A carefully trained suicide bomber has fled Iraq and asked the United States for asylum after choosing mind over martyr.
Kennedy Campaign's Unsubstantuated Leak
N.Y. Gov. Paterson says a campaign staffer leaked several problems to the press that Caroline Kennedy "wasn't ready for office" and faced possible tax, nanny, marital and the usual Kennedy problems.
Women's Badminton Players Denied Visas
Iran invited the U.S. women's badminton team to a tournament then denied its players visas, saying there was no time to process them. "We're so disappointed we could shit" stated one player.
Octuplets Woman Receives Offers
A Californian woman who gave birth to octuplets has been showered with book & TV offers, the woman's newly-hired publicist said. "Mercy me", stated the woman, "I sure never thought this would happen!"
Medical Head Injured
The head of the Kansas State Medical Board was critically injured Wednesday when his Honda exploded as he was leaving home for work, an attorney said. The rest of the doctor was apparently untouched.
Fossils from northeastern Columbia reveal the biggest snake ever discovered: a behemoth 45 feet long and weighing more than 2500 pounds. Authorities quickly checked their facts with John McCain.
NHS save money!
Somerset Primary Care Trust are demonstrating they're saving money by suspending a nurse for over over 7 weeks with NO pay. The nurse was suspended for offering prayer for healing of the sick.
Obama Says Biden Will Head Task Force to Improve Standing of Middle Class
The task force is revolted by this horrible image!
Mr Ed, the infamous Talking Horse from the 1960s sitcom of the same name was rushed to the vets today after a heart-attack. Vets say he is in stable condition.
A spokesman representing Supreme Court judges has announced today that voluntary, non-voluntary and involuntary euthanasia for "signficantly overweight" Americans will now be legalised.
The Department of work and Pensions in Britain have said; "At the rate businesses are laying off and closing, we soon will have an unemployed population. That simply will not work!"
Senator John McCain (aka 'Crybaby' Johnny)
When President Obama was told that Senator John McCain did not support his economic stimulus plan he replied, "Looks to me like Cindy's husband is still pissed that I kicked his 89-year-old ass."
The First CEO To Go On Welfare
President Obama will impose a limit of $500,000 for CEO's whose companies are receiving Federal bailout money. One angry CEO said, "Okay. No problem. I'll just have to apply for food stamps."
Lesbian Couple Files For Divorce
The lesbian couple who led the fight for same-sex marriages in Massachusetts is getting divorced. The couple did not specify the reason, but a close friend said it's because both want to be the guy.
An Update On England's Queen 'Boy' George
The warden at HMP Edmund's Hill in Newmarket, Suffolk reports that Boy George seems to have adjusted well to prison life. Last week he was voted "The Queen of Cell Block #19" by a vote of 73 to 1.
Tax Break For "Most" Car Buyers
The U.S. Senate has voted to give a tax break to new car buyers. There is a fine print clause that says that this does not apply to Republicans, since they're all rich.
ExxonMobile Profits Double
Both profits at Exxon Mobile Oil and size of CEO's balls double during 2008.
McCain Still Thinks He Won
A very confused John McCain, who apparently thinks he won the presidential election, names Punxsutawney Phil as new Head of Shadow Government.
Deaths In Threes?
A national group of spiritualists and mediums has announced that their study has concluded that deaths do seem to occur in sickles.
Bush Driver Caught
Nancy Pelosi announced this morning that the democrats have hunted down and arrested George Bush's driver.
Fat Guy Loses Pants Again
Fat guy who had recently had his stomach stapled, loses his pants again on New York City Subway. Several viewers were taken to hospital for vomiting, dehydration.
McMahan Back Home
86-year-old Ed McMahan, who lost his house three months ago, has managed to find it again after receiving help from police.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told friends this morning that she blames NRA for and its all-night snipe hunt for losing primary.
NASCAR: Toothpaste Illegal
NASCAR has announced that in the 2009 racing season, cars with toothpaste advertising on them will be automatically disqualified.
Iraqi Election a Great Surprise
Yasser Hamas Hussein, Saddam's lost third son, has been elected president of Iraq. A new relationship between Iraq's Sunni and Shia is anticipated. Yasser was living abroad in Iran until recently.