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Rating:

United title bid suffers setback

Cristiano Ronaldo ruled out of at least 3 matches after suffering a nasty attack of the bends after the recent match v Everton. He is due to be released from Toxteth decompression chamber today.

written by The Manic Daffodil, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Amputated Ghost Limbs?

A report out of Cairo, Egypt, is bringing world-wide attention as a 55-year-old eunuch there is the first recorded case of a man feeling his ghost balls, after 45 years.

written by Bureau, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Time Traveler Stops For A Word

Time Traveler stops just long enough for ABC interview to reveal that 90% of world's adult population's stories about their own past are lying their asses off.

written by Bureau, 03 February 2009
Rating:

M & S fined £20,000 over accident

Tim Payne lost part of a big toe while using a goods lift in one of their shops. The firm was fined £20,000. A spokeswoman said in sexy tone; "This isn't just an ordinary toe, this is an M & S Toe!"

written by IN SEINE, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Ireland Proud

Dublin, Ireland calls for a holiday for both home boys, McCain and O'Bama! Pubs to remain open all night.

written by Bureau, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Fishy Advice

A new nationwide ten-year study reveals that eating fresh fish much better for you than taking mercury capsules.

written by Bureau, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Donor Kidney Removed Via Vagina

Surgeons have successfully removed a kidney through a woman's vagina. In a press conference, they said their next procedure was to remove a c**t from Downing Street.

written by Dungeekin, 03 February 2009
Rating:

More Snow Woes: Britain Faces 10 Inches

Further heavy snowfall is expected this week, with up to 10 inches forecast. BBC Weathergirl Carol Kirkwood predicted chaos, saying, "anything that gets 10 inches is well fucked. I wish I was".

written by Dungeekin, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Scrooge McDuck Dead

Disney Studios say that the Madoff scandal has hit them really hard after yesterday's finding of the body of Scrooge McDuck hanging by his money belt in his now emptied money room.

written by Bureau, 03 February 2009
Rating:

MENSA Warning

A new study from MENSA Headquarters says that all U.S. students should use only ink pens as pencils made in China found to contain lead.

written by Bureau, 03 February 2009
Rating:

GMC Autos Don't Float

More trouble for General Motors as they have now recalled vehicles with faulty navigational systems after over twenty drivers in California took a wrong turn into the Pacific Ocean.

written by Bureau, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Gore Building Big Boat

Al Gore has been spotted by tourists in the Great Smoky Mountains building a giant box-like boat outside of some property adjoining the U.S. Park.

written by Bureau, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Pac Man Troubles

Football player Pac Man Jones, recently dropped by the Dallas Cowboys, has been accused of taking steroids, power dots.

written by Bureau, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Lots Of Finger Pointing, Pulling

Apparently there was a lot of finger pointing and pulling at President Obama's Super Bowl party Sunday afternoon, another sign that this administration will be more laid back & butt tilting sideways.

written by Bureau, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Peanut Recall Expanded

The recent findings of salmonella in peanut products which has led to human and dog food recalls, has now included food sold for sea monkeys.

written by Bureau, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Pope Breaks Tradition

Pope Benedict XVI has broken with tradition and conferred Sainthood upon one Simon Templar yesterday.

written by Bureau, 03 February 2009
Rating:

The Keebler Cookie Recall

The Kelloggs Company is recalling some of their Keebler cookies. Reports are that some of the cookies have been found to contain traces of elf hair.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Chrysler Offers Its Workers a Buyout

Chrysler has offered its blue collar workers an early retirement buyout package. One worker said, "Nice, but I'd like it to be a little more than $7,000, a keychain, and a pair of windshield wipers!"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Egypt's Sexual Harassment On The Rise

The Egyptian government reports the incidents of sexual harassment against women is rising at an alarming rate. One Cairo secretary said that this past week, a co-worker touched her ankles twice.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Baghdad Newspaper Want Ad - Wanted: Suicide Bombers

The Iraqi economy is really getting worse. An ad in a local Baghdad newspaper reads: WANTED: Suicide bombers, must have own bombs and be willing to relocate. Excellent health plan.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Swimmer Phelps May lose Speedo Endorsement

A spokesman for speedo said, " We thought that was a dong in his Speedo,not a bong."

written by JAB, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Slight Hitch in 'Memory clinics' plan on dementia

The government who is planning to set up "memory clinics" across England to spot and treat the early signs of dementia, have hit a small snag:- they've forgotten where they've placed them.

written by IN SEINE, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Salmonella Outbreak Prompts KY Gelly Recall

Production halted as hundreds affected, some hospitalized, after using products from the popular line of personal lubricants.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Visit North Korea Before It's Gone

North Korea is ready to test launch one of its ballastic missiles. The last time the missile barely missed hitting Japan. China has stated, "If your missile hits us, you're a parking lot!"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 February 2009
Rating:

The World's Most Unusual Vaginal Operation

A Baltimore woman had one of her kidneys removed through her vagina! Doctors have quickly squashed rumors that next week they will remove a woman's uterus through her left ear.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 February 2009
Rating:

Kobe Bryant Scores 61 Points!

Kobe Bryant breaks Madison Square Garden record of most points scored with 61. The L.A. Lakers beat the N.Y. Knicks 126-117. Bryant could have scored more, but said 61 is his wife's favorite number.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 February 2009
Rating:

The Fire Station Is On Fire?

A fire station in Tokyo has burned to the ground. Man, someone has got some BIG TIME explaining to do.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 February 2009
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