Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 3 February 2009
United title bid suffers setback
Cristiano Ronaldo ruled out of at least 3 matches after suffering a nasty attack of the bends after the recent match v Everton. He is due to be released from Toxteth decompression chamber today.
Amputated Ghost Limbs?
A report out of Cairo, Egypt, is bringing world-wide attention as a 55-year-old eunuch there is the first recorded case of a man feeling his ghost balls, after 45 years.
Time Traveler Stops For A Word
Time Traveler stops just long enough for ABC interview to reveal that 90% of world's adult population's stories about their own past are lying their asses off.
M & S fined £20,000 over accident
Tim Payne lost part of a big toe while using a goods lift in one of their shops. The firm was fined £20,000. A spokeswoman said in sexy tone; "This isn't just an ordinary toe, this is an M & S Toe!"
Dublin, Ireland calls for a holiday for both home boys, McCain and O'Bama! Pubs to remain open all night.
A new nationwide ten-year study reveals that eating fresh fish much better for you than taking mercury capsules.
Scrooge McDuck Dead
Disney Studios say that the Madoff scandal has hit them really hard after yesterday's finding of the body of Scrooge McDuck hanging by his money belt in his now emptied money room.
A new study from MENSA Headquarters says that all U.S. students should use only ink pens as pencils made in China found to contain lead.
GMC Autos Don't Float
More trouble for General Motors as they have now recalled vehicles with faulty navigational systems after over twenty drivers in California took a wrong turn into the Pacific Ocean.
Gore Building Big Boat
Al Gore has been spotted by tourists in the Great Smoky Mountains building a giant box-like boat outside of some property adjoining the U.S. Park.
Pac Man Troubles
Football player Pac Man Jones, recently dropped by the Dallas Cowboys, has been accused of taking steroids, power dots.
Lots Of Finger Pointing, Pulling
Apparently there was a lot of finger pointing and pulling at President Obama's Super Bowl party Sunday afternoon, another sign that this administration will be more laid back & butt tilting sideways.
Peanut Recall Expanded
The recent findings of salmonella in peanut products which has led to human and dog food recalls, has now included food sold for sea monkeys.
Pope Breaks Tradition
Pope Benedict XVI has broken with tradition and conferred Sainthood upon one Simon Templar yesterday.
The Keebler Cookie Recall
The Kelloggs Company is recalling some of their Keebler cookies. Reports are that some of the cookies have been found to contain traces of elf hair.
Chrysler Offers Its Workers a Buyout
Chrysler has offered its blue collar workers an early retirement buyout package. One worker said, "Nice, but I'd like it to be a little more than $7,000, a keychain, and a pair of windshield wipers!"
Egypt's Sexual Harassment On The Rise
The Egyptian government reports the incidents of sexual harassment against women is rising at an alarming rate. One Cairo secretary said that this past week, a co-worker touched her ankles twice.
Baghdad Newspaper Want Ad - Wanted: Suicide Bombers
The Iraqi economy is really getting worse. An ad in a local Baghdad newspaper reads: WANTED: Suicide bombers, must have own bombs and be willing to relocate. Excellent health plan.
Swimmer Phelps May lose Speedo Endorsement
A spokesman for speedo said, " We thought that was a dong in his Speedo,not a bong."
Slight Hitch in 'Memory clinics' plan on dementia
The government who is planning to set up "memory clinics" across England to spot and treat the early signs of dementia, have hit a small snag:- they've forgotten where they've placed them.
Salmonella Outbreak Prompts KY Gelly Recall
Production halted as hundreds affected, some hospitalized, after using products from the popular line of personal lubricants.
Visit North Korea Before It's Gone
North Korea is ready to test launch one of its ballastic missiles. The last time the missile barely missed hitting Japan. China has stated, "If your missile hits us, you're a parking lot!"
The World's Most Unusual Vaginal Operation
A Baltimore woman had one of her kidneys removed through her vagina! Doctors have quickly squashed rumors that next week they will remove a woman's uterus through her left ear.
Kobe Bryant Scores 61 Points!
Kobe Bryant breaks Madison Square Garden record of most points scored with 61. The L.A. Lakers beat the N.Y. Knicks 126-117. Bryant could have scored more, but said 61 is his wife's favorite number.
The Fire Station Is On Fire?
A fire station in Tokyo has burned to the ground. Man, someone has got some BIG TIME explaining to do.