Spoof news snippets from Saturday 28 February 2009
Engineer dismantles his nose
An engineer from Bedford dismantled his nose today to discover what made it run. "Snot what I imagined!" He said from his hospital bed.
Midwest Hit With Snow And Ass
A sudden winter storm has hit the nation's midwest leaving a heavy supply of snow and ass while trapping most couples indoors for days.
HIV-Infected Man Targets Obama
A man has been arrested for allegedly targeting President Obama with HIV-infected blood and taken to a dentist to have fangs removed.
Obama's Speechwriter's Cell # Released
The Washington Post has printed President Barack Obama's speechwriter's cell number....It is #114, Block C, Chicago Minimum Security Prison.
E-mails Cancel Newspaper Convention
A newspaper convention Saturday in Cleveland was cancelled after e-mails back and forth all week concluded there's little future in the printed page.
Doing The Wall Street Slide
Wall Street slid even further Friday from still more banking bullshit was dumped all over the stock floor.
Gays Eascape Iran
A Hollywood team in Iran on a cultural exchange allows the last three gay people in Iran to escape to America.
Obama Prefers Coke!
Time Magazine investigation reveals that Obama team prefers Coca Cola to Pepsi, especially Mexican Coca Cola that still uses sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup.
Gov. Schwarzenegger Resigning?
California Governor Schwarzenegger declares drought and states that he may resign and go back to only acting as if the world's going to hell in a handbasket.
Gordon Brown urges bank resposibility
The Prime Minister today urged banks to act morally and responsibly over director's pay. He also urged bears not to shit in the woods and clouds not to rain, and for everybody to be happy and smiling.
In Shrewsbury today, a man who is only 3 feet tall was pickpocketed by a gang youths. West Mercia police said: "how could anyone stoop so low?"
Second-Hand Farts Worse
Scientists completely stumped after major study of why breathing second-hand farts much more harmful to you than those breathed first hand.
Carson Awaiting McMahan
A National Questioner Exclusive: Johnny Carson still awaiting arrival of Ed McMahan to arrive and introduce him to Saint Peter.
Lieberman Removes Stimulus Pork
Senator Joe Lieberman testified before a congressional hearing that he has led the way in removing pork from the trillion dollar Stimulus Bill.
Tobacco: Watch Global Warming
In a national board meeting, Big Tobacco companies have approved changes to prevent worsening of global warming, stating, "It will kill a lot more people than we do".
Smoking Saves Lives
Banning smoking costs eleven people their lives as lit pilot light sets off huge methane explosion at Taco Bell. Survivors were all outside smoking.
CPA Sugar Riots
Too much sugar to blame for near riot at worldwide Certified Public Accountant's Convention in Maggody, North Carolina.
FEMA All Set To Go!
F.E.M.A. reports that they have been practicing for the next major disaster by screaming and running around in circles.
Mexican Bottled Water Recall
The Food & Drug Administration have announced a recall of bottled water from Mexico. The water was bottled on November, 2008 under "Montezuma's Finest".