Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 25 February 2009
Mr. Lizard's Political Mad-Libs
When warned of an impending recession by (name of recent former vice-president),(name of recent former president) is reported to have asked, "If the weather is nice can we have it outside?"
The 772 Pound Stingray
A British biologist caught a 772 pound stingray off the coast of Thailand. The good news is that it is a world's record. The bad news is that once he reeled it into the boat, it sunk the boat!
The Washington Post Makes A Good Bird Cage Floor
The profits of The Washington Post newspaper have fallen by 77 percent. To reflect this change the owners are considering changing the name of the paper to The Washington Stick.
Obama's Message to Bush
"Pick up! I know you're there you shifty-eyed little gnome! Answer the phone Goddamnit!"
Octomom Offered 1 Million to Do Porno
...And that's just the birth video.
The Google loop
Boffins have discovered that typing "Googling Google"into the popular search engine Google,will result in your computer rebooting with a picture of Kenneth Williams as your permanent screensaver.
A glass of wine each day raises cancer risks in women
A glass of wine each evening is enough to increase your risk of developing cancer. However, this can be reduced if you got drunk and crashed the car at high speed, in which case, it will be instant.
It Is A Good DayTo Die
Geek couple living in New York City say they are so proud that their baby's first words were in Klingon!
Wine Good For You, Ole Buddy, Ole Pal!
Ten-year research reveals that three glasses of wine a day will help you live a lot longer, happier life, but as an alcoholic.
CIA Using Hybrid Corn
Rumors around Washington is that the CIA are using hybrid ears of corn as listening devises for gathering secrets from their enemies.
Britain, France Trade
France has traded ten of her most famous Paris restaurant recipes to Britain for their full recipe of Fish & Chips, including which newspaper to wrap them in, plus the original Beans On Toast!
Controversial bill to part privatise Royal Mail arrives day earlier than expected
It was thought it might get here tomorrow, or maybe after the weekend, or possibly be found in 2023 in someone's shed.
UBS Mistakenly Order Bonds for $31bn
Usual banking ineptitude; they were trying to rent Quantum of Solace and Casino Royale on DVD.
Gordon Brown lies again!
Six-year-old, Ivan Cameron died today. The PM has said that "the thoughts and prayers of the country" were with the Cameron's. However, any nurses caught praying would be suspended without pay.
Congress On Spending Spree
House Democrats, in a spending spree, approved a bill giving $10 million dollars this morning to a bum who walked in off the street asking for a cup of coffee.
G. Warming Satellite Burns Up
A 272 million dollar U.S. satellite launched to study the effects of global warming on launching satellites has burned up just after it's launching yesterday.
S.F. Chronicle Out, Oracle Back
The Hearst Corporation announced that they will either sell or close down the San Francisco Chronicle soon. It will be replaced by The Oracle from Hashbury, revised from it's Ginsberg/Leary days.
Mardi Gras Crowds Up, Zombies Down
Mardi Gras turnout in New Orleans is the largest since Hurricane Katrina, officials report. Plus the zombies were down to only ten percent and their cries of "Brains!" were drowned out by the crowd.
Mr Methane arrested!
Mr Methane, the world's only performing flatulist has been arrested whilst practising for his Edinburgh fringe show. He has been accused as being the man behind man-made climate change.
DNA Test Results Back for US Octuplets Father
This morning he was spotted getting a refund on five new cots at an LA store
Obama gives address to Congress
President Barack Obama has given his address to Congress today, as required under current legislation. The address is 1600 Pensylvania Avenue NW, Washington DC.
Bishop denies the existence of pudding
Catholic Bishop and Holocaust denier Richard Williamson told the press today that he does not believe that there is such a thing as pudding. Blames Milk Board for misinformation campaign.