Spoof news snippets from Monday 23 February 2009
Gonzales Pleads Fifth
At a McDonalds in Freemont, Texas former Secretary General Alberto Gonzales claimed the Fifth Amendment when asked if he wanted fries with that.
Couple Bump Into Each Other In Closet
Separated husband and wife at birthday party given for friend accidentally bump into each other in the closet, maybe couple hundred times.
Family Doesn't Believe In Cremation
The captain of Firehouse #117 in Newark, New Jersey says that the late fireman, Reggie Whitakker's body was cremated against his family's wishes.
New Country Formed
In news out of east Europe this morning, the city state of Letzmakastan has declared it's independence.
Manila's Oink-Oink Problem
Manila announces that due to an Ebola outbreak they will be slaughtering 6,000 pigs. Officials are reporting a sudden rise in pigs disquising themseslves as schnauzers, rottweilers, and dachshunds.
Hugo, Fidel, & Raul - The Terrible Trio
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez visited Cuba's Fidel and Raul Castro. Reporters asked if it was a business trip and Chavez said, "No, I just wanted to visit with someone who still likes me."
Hawaii: Number 5 For Same-Sex Unions
Hawaii may become the fifth state to legalize same sex-unions. A tourism agency is already capitalizing on the possibility with a slogan that reads: "Come to Hawaii...Eat, Drink, and Get Unionized"
1917 Battleship found on sea bed
A French battleship sunk in 1917 by a German submarine has been found on the sea-floor of the Mediterranean. However, ALL ships that are sunk, are found on the bottom of the sea.
Man 'waged urine-spray campaign'
A man sprayed urine in 2 supermarkets, a pub and a bookshop in Gloucester, a jury at Bristol Crown Court has heard. He was also charged with being in possession of an offensive weapon - his dick!
W works in hardware store
Wingnut joke waits anxiously on sidelines.
Palin cites media malpractice
"They were very mean." Pouts former candidate, "Especially that SNL news network,and reporter Jon Stewart."
Man hears of tragedy
A man from North Wales today revealed his shock on hearing that ex-reality TV star Jade Goody is terminally ill with cancer. "I thought the newspapers would have mentioned something," he said.
New Order Formed
Mad Mothers Against Irresponsible Nuclear Submarine Drivers organizations founded in London, Paris over the weekend.
Experts Rule Out Global Warming
Heavy damage to the South caused by freezing rain not due to global warming, alien attacks or secret U.N. weapons say experts. "Probable cause, that of old gypsy curse."
SPCA Tackles Flea Circus
The SPCA has launched a lawsuit against those a running flea circus for forcing fleas to perform without providing enough dogs for nourishment.
Automakers On Steroids
The CEO's of General Motors and Chrysler admit that their egos have been taking steroids for over ten years.
How Many Zeros?
Beginning with the first grade, all U.S. students are now required to learn how many zeros in national debt since THEY are the ones who will have to pay it off.
California's Starving Actors Addressed
Another bad sign for the California economy as Governor Schwarzenegger reminds Hollywood actors that starving artists usually perform a lot better.
Grim Reaper News Depressing
Grim Reaper News about U.S. major banks over the weekend gets Wall Street off to a bad start this morning.
Greenspan Admits Past Behavior
Alan Greenspan admits to making up figures all along, raising & lowering interest rates on whims. Says he mostly tossed coins while he watched sports, movies on TV all day.
"Arise, Sir Slumdog"
Knighthoods for Danny Boyle and Dev Patel, Director and star of Slumdog Millionaire, in new Honours List issued today. Kate Winslet becomes a Dame and Nick Park becomes Lord Park of Plasticine.
Royal Mail found guilty
The Royal Mail have been found guilty of starting chain letters in order to drum up business.
Spongebob Millionaire sweeps Oscars
"Spongebob Millionaire", the sequel to "Spongebob Squarepants the Movie" has won 8 Oscars, including best actor for Spongebob Squarepants. The film follows Spongebob as he wins money on a game show.
Paper Shops At Risk
They can be blown away. Sorry, but it's true.