Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 18 February 2009
Bill Clinton Happier Now
Former President Bill Clinton said that his wife's new position as Secretary of State allows him more free time to have sex with young girls. "Not sex, blow job", Clinton clarified.
Six-Months Work Shot
One stupid bigass cockroach destroys six whole months of extremely careful placement of dominoes.
There was a 200 car, truck pile-up on Interstate 65 this morning after a tire blows on truck carrying Ky Jelly.
Hillary Scores One
Thus far on her overseas junket, new Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has already gotten an agreement between Jews, Moslems, not to eat pork.
Whole World Collapses
World as we know it completely collapses as Bill Gates, whole stupid Walton family declare bankruptcy.
Baseball Great Admits Taking Drugs
A well-known but unnamed former baseball great admits to having used performance-enhancement drugs, like last night one hour before bedtime.
Chinese Currency Stronger
The strong Chinese currency is cashing in on the weaker U.S. dollar reports The Times Of The People's Republic Of Las Vegas.
WBC Protesters to Come to UK
Christian hate-peddlers Westboro Baptist Church have announced they are to picket a tobacconists in Basingstoke, UK, having completely misunderstood the point of their 'God Hates Fags' message.
Israel Seeks Reparations
Israel sets official apology from Egypt for four hundred years of slavery, reparations as truce conditions.
Peace Prize Awarded to London Restaurant
The Little Bay restaurant in central London have been presenting diners with absolutely nothing when they ask for the bill during February. They have been awarded the NO BILL peace prize.
'Diving must be banned' say Football Association
It should be removed from the 2012 Olympics and replaced by 5-a-side.
Predictions Proved Correct
Writers of the Farmer's Almanac point to their correct prediction last year of a warmer than usual Fall, February ice storm in South and the Britney Spears breakdown, say George Bush next to lose it.
Gitmo Prisoners Admit Guilt!
Thus far, waterboarded prisoners at Gitmo have confessed to knocking down the twin towers, starting the great Chicago Fire and causing the Red Sox to lose that seventh game to the Mets in 1986.
Extremist Muslim Cleric Sent to Jordon
Former page 3 'stunna' Jordan was left bewildered today after a home office mix up led to vicious Muslim psychopath Asif Mohammed being left on her doorstep.
Miss America Still Concerned
Gail Atwood, a former Miss America, told reporters yesterday that she was still "concerned about the things in this world that are important to us all."
Dancing Chickens A Hoax
Charity "Feed The Chickens" raided after Peta claims that dancing chickens on advertising had floors heated proved true.
Treats Don't Work
Arrested terrorist apparently tried to get by bomb-sniffing dogs at airport by slipping them Slim Jims and Reggie's Chewys Dog Treats.
Don't Know What You're Missing
The leaders in Iran told their Hamas friends today that firing huge missiles into the air and even into space is one hundred times the fun of merely firing bullets.
Watch That First Steeeeppp!!!
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton remains in stable condition in Japan after a sumo wrestler accidentally fell while miss stepping onto an escalator and wiping out everyone below.
Peanut Allergy Alert
Allergy experts recommend that those allergic to peanuts not get within a mile of those with the salmonella in them.
Italian Monopoly Game for Sale - contact Palazzo Chigi, Rome for details.
As new, except the 'Get out of Jail Free' card is missing.
Lloyds Banking Group Bonuses Are To Be Limited
The new company, Lloyds Massive Bonuses Limited, begins trading on Monday
Announced today is a single mains charger to be used with all mobile phones.
It will be at my house on Tuesdays if anyone needs it.
Snake Charming Outlawed in India
Snake Charming has been Outlawed in India causing over 1,000 jobs to be lost. However, MPs in the UK are allowed to 'charm' the public - now THAT should be outlawed!
Too Stupid To Live!
Criminals are so stupid. They kill someone and they leave all kinds of evidence and get caught and, believe it or not, according to what they say on the news, the condemned ate a Hardees last meal!