Spoof news snippets from Monday 16 February 2009
A British tabloid newspaper has denied paying a 13 year old boy for the details of his recent delivery.
They say they only pay at the end of a full week of doing the paper round.
Obama attempts to alter fruit laws
Black President Barack Obama is in the process of trying to get a bill passed through congress that will make it legally binding for the blackest berries to contain the sweetest juices.
KFC have 9,000 new positions to fill
You could be eligible for one if you are willing to become a new supporter of the Kilmarnock football team.
Heart pill to banish bad memories
Scientists believe a common heart medicine may be able to banish fearful memories from the mind. They said; "It's so good, they've forgotten what the bad memories were!"
Scientists claimed this week that there is more actual evidence to show the existence of superman than there is to ever justify the beliief in Jesus Christ.
Harry Freebody Family In Mooning
Harry Freebody, a fading porn actor who was recently caught using performance-enhancing drugs, has committed suicide out of shame, reported his father, Big Harry Freebody.
President Barack Obama's prediction of "Change" will be coming true by late Spring. You'll begin noticing it added to your weekly paycheck, if you look closely.
Chan Movie Too Violent
The new Jackie Chan movie has been banned in China for being too violent. Anyone caught with a copy of the movie will be publicly executed.
Yogi On Steroids?
Yogi Berra has admitted to taking steroids much to the surprise of everybody. "I took them after I left playing baseball. In actuality, I'm really sort of a midget dwarf", stated Mr. Berra.
After Last Month's Shows
The New York Times Sunday Magazine and London Times run long article on The Case Against Intelligent Designers.
Terrorist Targeting Barney Miller
A man in Bassington, New Hampshire called 911 yesterday to complain about the Barney Miller Marathon being constantly interrupted by Code Red terrorist warning!
New Toyota Trick
Exposed: New Toyota Trick may get 75 miles per gallon but takes twenty quarts of oil.
Wall Street Headed For Fort Knox?
President Barack Obama said today that the rumor that Wall Street was moving their headquarters to Fort Knox to give it a better image is not true....yet.
Future King-Future Queen?
Today Prince William horrified the nation walking into a press conference in a womans blouse. He stated to the press that he would be crowned, Queen Elizabeth the third and rule alongside an RAF "pal"
Richter Scale detection of possible earthquake ruled false alarm
It was just Peter Sellers rolling over in his grave again due to the latest Pink Panther ripoff/remake/travesty.
McCain Mad Over Letterman
After John McCain complained about the latest bailout on "Meet The Press", President Obama stated today that John is still mad over what happened to him when he bailed out on the Letterman Show.
Polar bear skull defies DNA test
A scientist says she has been unable to extract DNA for analysis from ancient Scottish bear remains. NOT suprising really, the Scottish don't want to give anything up!
Hugo Chavez' obsession writ large
At a short press conference today Venezualan President Hugo Chavez announced that he "wants to kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill,kill
Microsoft Announce New Retail Stores to Promote Windows 7
However, the company is concerned that they could pay out a fortune and it may still take ages to open anything.
850 Mini Jobs To Go
The effect on the economy is about the same as losing 567 full-sized jobs.
"Vivi Viagra" Coming!
A new situation comedy is coming to FOX this Spring called "Viva Viagra" that will be totally commercial free!
Addictions Getting Worse
An old guy in dirty raincoat this morning broke down at police headquarters in Nashville and confessed that he's addicted to pepper spray.
A new study from MENSA Headquarters reveals that men are becoming more forgetful than..uh..women, I guess. Kids?
Obama Appoints 100th Committee
President Barack Obama has decided to form a new committee to oversee the auto industry and high-priced CEO's. It will be made up of 20 people, each receiving $200,000 per year.
Clinton Attacks N. Korea From Tokyo
United States Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has delivered a forceful warning to North Korea from the safety of Tokyo, from behind a shoe guard.
More Missile Mistakes
Still another U.S. missile has hit another area in Iraq Afghanistan, Syria, Lebanon bringing further protests against U.S. However, launchings from "U.S." missiles seem to be coming from Iran.
Satellite Debris Rains Down On Texas
The FAA believes falling debris in Texas could be from the American - Russian satellite crash. A Waco resident said, "I smelt a piece of it, and it sure does smell like Russian salad dressing to me."
Doggone Traffic Is Going To The Dogs
A Pottsboro, Texas woman was arrested with 22 dogs in her car. Local authorities said she was not arrested for having the 22 dogs in her car, but because she was letting one of the dogs drive.
"Mommy Dearest" starring Ashton Kutcher
Ashton Kutcher has been signed to star in the movie, "Mommy Dearest." It is not a remake of the Joan Crawford movie. It is actually based on the Ashton Kutcher-Demi Moore marriage.
Julia Roberts and The Sequel To "Pretty Woman"
Julia Roberts has been signed to star in the sequel to her 1990 hit "Pretty Woman." The film which also stars Richard Gere is set 19 years later. The movie is titled, "Pretty Old Woman."
Jim "Rubberface" Carrey
Jim Carrey finally will appear in a movie in which he does not make any stupid faces. The film is set in the future and is titled, "Attack of The Avocadoes." Carrey will play one of the avocadoes.
Bunch Of Lying Monkeys
Scientists have announced that they have discovered monkeys in Thailand that can not only fish but lie like a dog about the one that got away.
Bin Laden Caught On Camera?
Google Earth is reporting a possible sighting of Osama Bin Ladin but not sure as he and his camel were camouflaged.
Shoplifter In Big Trouble
A "Shoplifter" has been captured by New York City police in Manhattan after suffering a massive hernia.
After never seeing him out of costume for over thirty years, the death of a clown comes as a shock as Barnum & Bailey discover he's a Big Foot.
Gore Acting Stranger
People around Tennessee say they're starting to worry about former Vice President Al Gore as he's began wearing a cape and calling himself the Green Hornet.