Spoof news snippets from Saturday 14 February 2009
Madoff Victim Of Swindled Money Swindler
Bernie Madoff's wife, two days before he was busted, withdrew $15 million from the banks. This morning Madoff accused her of making off with his hard-swindled money.
Longest Serving Member
This week, Michigan Congressman John Dingell set an all-time record as the longest serving member ever of the U.S. House of Representatives. Until then, Henry Clay had had the longest serving member.
Pfeiffer Caught Speeding
Model, Michelle Pfeiffer has been caught speeding in a built-up area in London. She was found driving at 50mph in a 30mph zone and said to The Metropolitan Police; "I'm sorry, but 50 is the new 30!"
It Doesn't Add Up!
According to beauty Michelle Pfeiffer, 50 is the new 30. Maths was never her strong point, but then again she is blonde.
A lost walker was airlifted to safety from foggy moorland, somewhere in Scotland after using the flash on his mobile phone camera to alert rescuers. The air ambulance pilot said "I was lost as well!"
Michael Phelps #1
To no one's surprise, the #1 rated person with the best lung capacity for holding their breath in America is Michael Phelps. Surprisingly, Monica Lewinsky came in second.
Motocyclists to get airbags
John Tricycle, the inventor of airbag jackets for motorcyclists said he got the idea by looking at the Americans - they are fat and full of hot air!
Adios To One of The "Desperate Housewives"
Nicolette Sheridan, one of the "Desperate Housewives" is leaving the show. When asked why, Ms. Sheridan simply replied, "I'm just no longer desperate."
Denzel & Will and Will & Denzel
In one of the strangest castings of all time, producers of the movie, "The Story of Denzel & Will" have cast Will Smith to portray Denzel Washington and Denzel Washington to portray Will Smith.
Ashley Judd Does Not Like Reindeer Balls
Ashley Judd was asked to play Sarah Palin in an upcoming HBO movie but she declined. Judd said, "I will not play a woman who not only eats reindeer balls, but who thinks that it's cool."
The Next Indiana Jones Movie
Harrison Ford has just announced that he will begin filming his next movie soon. It's entitled, "Indiana Jones - The Search For The Stimulus Package."
Mexico City's Mayor: "Viagra For Votes"
Mexico City's mayor has offered free viagra to all poor men over 60. He wants to make prospective voters happy. One old poor man said, "It is hard for me not to vote for a man like that."
"It's an oxymoron," claim British public.
Badger love OK
Scientists in Geneva report that badgers are not harmful to the sexual health of our youngsters.
Prez's Gals Missing
President Obama's daughters, missing for two hours on Friday, were finally found where an old Bill Clinton tunnel under the White House had caved in, after a tip-off from Hillary.
Scientists Need Help
Scientists in both the United States and Europe claim that they're not getting enough feedback on the Chicken Flu.
Wall Street Hurting According To Journal
The Wall Street Journal stated Friday that the sales on stock of The Wall Street Journal have dropped nearly 50%.
A-Rod Checks Positive For 'Roids
Yankee slugging third baseman Alex Rodriguez has tested positive for 'roids according to the team doctor. "He won't be sliding into any bases anytime soon."
"Time-Team" runs out of time
"Time-Team", the popular Channel 4 show where Tony Robinson and archaeologists scrape mud from former Roman remains and usually find very little of interest, is to be axed from October, producers say.
Geese speak out
Geese spokesmen calls today crash of a flight in New York poetic Justice for their brethren lost on the Hudson.