Spoof news snippets from Friday 13 February 2009
New York City Admits To Lie
Mayor Michael Bloomberg, when prompted by a reporter at a recent press conference, admits, "At any given moment, thousands of New Yorkers are, indeed, sleeping."
Cupid Approves Of Valentine's Day
The chubby cherub is said to be glad people finally understand that love is best shown by buying ugly teddy bears and cheap chocolates.
Mohels Hit Hard By Economy
Rabbi David Abrams, a certified mohel, or performer of circumcisions, admits that times are so tough he has been forced to stop charging for his services. Instead, he lives off of tips.
Oscars cancelled as Jack Nicholson has other plans
The 81st Academy awards have been cancelled after Jack Nicholson found he had double booked the date with his flower arranging class.
Monica Demands Equal Air Time
Monica has demanded equal air time from the FCC to tell her story. President Clinton has called for a fairness doctrine to keep boring Al Franken working, if he loses the Minnesota Senate race.
Satire writer desires sex with Angelina Jolie
Satire and Spoof editor Mark Lowton announced today that he would abandon his bride and all dear to him for one night with Angelina Jolie on the provision that Ms Jolie make him breakfast in the AM.
Tyra Banks Part Of Bailout
Tyra Banks was surprised to get a check for $1 billion from Congress. "I've been putting on some weight." she said. "I guess they thought I was opening up branch offices."
Mickey D's Making Fast Food Even Faster
McDonald's noting that the nation's financial crisis has cut into their sales is promoting it's cheapest burger ever. In a few weeks they'll be offering, "The New McMeatless Big Mac."
Eddie "Buckwheat" Murphy
Eddie Murphy was to star in the Universal Pictures movie, "The Richard Pryor Story." But producers canned the idea when they decided that Murphy was not black enough.
"Do You Want Fries With That" In The Key of G
Reliable, unnamed, inside sources are reporting that Chris Brown has turned in applications at Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Starbucks, and Taco Bell.
China's "Ugly Betty" Ain't
TV viewers of China's version of "Ugly Betty" say she is not at all ugly. The producers are desperately trying to find a replacement. As of yet, Amy Winehouse has not returned their calls.
George Dubya Bush Declared Warlord and Decider of the World!
Most noted for: Liberating 655,000 Iraqis from the day-to-day struggle of living and; The War Against Terror (TWAT) Widly regarded as necessary.
Why did I have to get it today of all days?
Be Gee's After Flower Children
A 1969 expose in a major rock & roll magazine reports that the Bee Gees were mainly out to pollinate as many flower children as possible!
Just Along For The Ride
An atheist told ABC News yesterday stated that he was just going along with the suicide-bomber car for the ride.
Student Crack Down
Schools in Arkansas say that they are beginning to "Crack Down" on students wearing low-riding pants.
Cheap Alcohol Not As Cheap
A study of bums passed out in the alleys and benches in New York City has found that not only are the bottles of Night Train and Wild Irish Rose smaller, but that contents have been watered down.
Body Of Madoff?
Police in New York say they may have the body of Bernie Madoff this morning as it had carefully had a stake driven through it's heart.
Smog Finally Lifts
Singles and couples were scattering like ants this morning in Beijing to their own houses, as a three day smog finally lifted.
A British scientist says he has finally completed his work on paranoia but that "They" have found it and destroyed it before he could get it published.
US Weaken, US Weaken
It turns out Obama's rallying cry was miss-heard all along.
European Commission is at risk from spies with long legs and blonde hair
Boris says it's not him and don't be so f****** cheeky!
Nettles killed off in Midsomer Norton
A herbicide has hit the sleepy village of Midsommer Norton killing of the entire population of Nettles. Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby has not been seen for weeks.
Spy MUST be Swedish
The European Commission says it is being targeted increasingly by spies, who may include a "pretty trainee with long legs and blonde hair". This narrows it down significantly to a Swedish bird!
Icelandic yodeler Bjork is reportedly suing the Muppets. Ms. Bjork claims the Swedish Chef repeats her name 3 times at the end of every sentence he utters, and she demands compensation.
Simon Cowell Bleach Tragedy
American Idol judge Simon Cowell will miss the next 3 upcoming episodes due to a Clorox spill. Reportedly, all 300 of Mr. Cowell's black t-shirts have been ruined.
Sally Field In Hiding
A mob of post-menopausal women is picketing Sally Field's home, demanding to know what's so hard about remembering to take a pill once a week. She has not returned repeated Pokes or Twitters.
Mickey Rourke From Wrestler To Boxer
Mickey Rourke fresh from his success with the movie "The Wrestler" has just been signed to star in the upcoming Paramount movie "The Boxer." Rourke will portray ex-heavyweight champion Mike Tyson.
The Queen Will Play The King
Queen Latifah will star as Henry VIII in the Sony Pictures comedy motion picture, "Henry The Octuplet."
Joanna Pacitti Disqualified From American Idol
Joanna Pacitti has been disqualified from American Idol. Pacitti turns out has released an album, sang in a Broadway play, and has sung on movie soundtracks. Also disqualified was Amy Winehouse.
Jane Fonda - The 71-Year-Old Barbarella
Jane Fonda, 71, will reprise her role in the 1968 movie, "Barbarella." The sequel, which comes after 40 years is titled, "Barbarella - The Wrinkles, Varicose Veins, and Cellulite Years."
Miley Cyrus Sued For $2.8 Billion!
A Woman is suing Miley Cyrus for $2.8 billion because the young singer mocked Asians. The woman says she represents one million Asians and she is willing to settle out of court for $1.8 billion.
We Were In Good Hands With All-State
Due to the collision between the Russian satellite and the American satellite All-State Insurance has decided to cancel America's satellite insurance policy.
Sarah Palin Speaks Out!
Puts bumper sticker on her Suburban reading "My daughter is faster than your honor student." She probably didn't think that through too well.