Spoof news snippets from Thursday 12 February 2009
Bergerac quits Midsomer Murders
Worried about being typecast, John Nettles has applied to become the new Frost or Morse.
Boris Johnson employs Jonathon Ross
An irate Mayor of London, Boris Johnson has employed Jonathon Ross as his speechwriter to help him deliver a tirade of angry exchanges with Keith Vaz. It shows!
Superman Throws Tantrum
Somehow overlooked in the fine print, after the nearly trillion-dollar bailout bill in congress is being passed: One million dollars for closing down the Phantom Zone, as well as Gitmo.
Bonds, A-Rod Plaing Hard Balls
Barry Bonds has warned Alex Rodriguez about overdoing the steroids after his own hardened and had to be removed from his bladder.
Sarah Palin Birthday Present
Sarah Palin, for her 45th birthday this week, got to go take a free shot at a Big Foot on a National Enquirer Reservation, but apparently only wounded him in the foot.
You Will Not Believe India's New Soft Drink
India is developing and plans to market a soft drink made from cow urine. They say that it will not smell like urine. Names being considered include Peepsi, Moo Moo Wee Wee Cola, and Dr. Peeper.
WalMart Lays Off Mom & Pop
WalMart has announced that it is laying off some 800 employees at headquarters in order to save a couple million dollars in salaries and 0 in benefits.
The Clearance Bin Computers Were A Steal!
The 67 computers that were stolen from The Los Alamos Nuclear Weapons Laboratory in New Mexico have been found. State police found all 67 computers at Pablo's Pawn Shop in Gallup, New Mexico.
African Bees Kick American Bee's Wax
African bees have been seen for the first time in Utah (the Beehive State). African bees are different from America bees in that they are excellent at vine swinging and playing the jungle drums.
Cell Phone Eyed In US-USSR Satellite Crash
An American satellite and a Russian satellite have crashed into each other hundreds of miles above the Earth. Preliminary reports indicate the American satellite was talking on the cell phone.
The Starbuck's Fashion Designer
Starbuck's sales are way down. They've introduced a new promotion. A tall latte with a slice of cinnamon swirl coffee cake for $3.95. Next the female employees will dress like Hooter's Girls.
Marion Barry Next FBI Chief?
Marion Barry, troubled ex-DC Mayor who has apparently not paid much of his taxes for many years now, is on the #1 position for the next cabinet position.
Barbara Bush, Obama's Mother-In-Law Meet Secretly
President Obama's Mother-In-Law has met secretly with Barbara Bush and exchanged ideas on how to really get George & Obama out of this mess, so there's still hope. News sent the Market up 300 points.
Fenway Park Escapades
In Boston, two lab rats being used for steroid and growth hormone experiments have apparently broken out of the lab and sneaked into Fenway park, one hitting a 445-foot home run off a 95-MPH fastball.
Just Like The Police
In Grand Island, Nebraska a junkie called the police to inform them that green and purple aliens had moved in next door to his apartment. Police came and took him away, apparently leaving the aliens.
BT quarterly profits drop by 81%
May have to call in the receivers.
God in 'Hallelujah' Protest
An angry God has complained that the Christmas number one, Hallelujah' just goes to show that people just know the words to the chorus. "It's a shit song really", said God.
Bankers Apology in ruins
The PR Apology Offensive of the CEOs of four major British banks was in tatters last night as one was overheard whispering, "Oh, do try to keep a straight face Charles" to one of his colleagues.
Doodlebug vs Piano - The real WWII truth
Documents released today reveal that more Londoners died as a result of pianos falling down the steps of The Underground during Air Raids than from V2 rockets
Billy Fury in Miscalculation Storm
Scientists have proved Billy Fury's claim that "The Night Has a Thousand Stars" to be a massive underestimation of the content of the Cosmos.
Manfred Mann in Discrimination Rumpus
The song, Doo Wah Diddy has been slammed by Health Chiefs. "It refers to a lady who 'shuffles her feet', saying 'doo-wah-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-dum' said equal rights Simon Nadgrab. "It's not fair"
John Terry in Smuggling Shame
England footballer John Terry was detained by Spanish Customs officials last night as he attempted to leave the country with 7.2kg of Old Holborn, hidden inside a straw donkey.
System Crash for Spoof.tv Plans
Plans for Spoof.tv, an online satirical TV station were last night left in ruins after Spoofnik 1, the recently launched geosynchrous satellite was hit by a piece of obsolete Russian space junk.
Fleetwood pier is to be rebuilt, as the town resident's looking enviously at Blackpool said they were suffering from pier pressure.
New Prescott Diet
MP John Prescott is working on a new diet where if you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
The Pakistani Chess Game
The Pakistanis say that they are fed up with being Pawns in the eyes of the Americans. They say they want to move up in the world. They want to become Bishops or Rooks.
A Boy George Prison Update
HMP Edmunds Hill Prison in Newmarket, Suffolk, England reports that inmate Boy George has gone from being "The Queen of Cell Block #19," to being "The Queen of The Entire Prison."
Tatiana Del Toro Balls and Weeps and Annoys!
Tatiana Del Toro, who is the most annoying person in American Idol's eight year history has made it into the Top 36. The self-proclaimed diva-prima donna reacted by saying, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
Brett Favre - "Dancing With The Stars" Alternate?
Brett Favre announces his retirement after one season with the New York Jets. When asked what his plans are he replied that he has been approached to be a "Dancing With The Stars" alternate.
The Actor Formerly Known As Djimon Hounsou
The manager for actor Djimon Hounsou has asked him to pick another name; one that is not as hard to pronounce. The actor picked out Renee Zellweger.
Michael Phelps Unsure About Participation in 2012 Olympics
"I heard you can get a pretty good Bong from Big Ben, but don't know if that will be enough to make me go."
Michael Phelps Unsure of Participation in 2012 Summer Olympics
"I'd go if they were in Jamaica or Maui, but I really don't know much about the homegrown in London."
Abraham Lincoln's 200th Birthday Celebrated All Over the United States
Organizers of most parties, however, realize that having everyone hide and jump out and yell "Surprise" when he showed up was probably a mistake.
Abraham Lincoln's 200th Birthday Celebrated All Over the United States
John McCain upset that no one through him a 200th birthday party last year.
Brett Favre Announces That He is Retiring Again
Comeback Player of the Year Chad Pennington worried that he will follow him to Miami too.
Brett Favre Announces That He Is Retiring (Again)
Las Vegas bookmakers put 5 to 2 that he plays for Green Bay in the upcoming season.
Representatives from NCAA and Professional Sports Reveal Comprehensive Drug Tests Results
Only three athletes in the country did not test positive for marijuana, steroids, alchohol, or amphetamines. One each from Notre Dame, Baylor, and BYU passed (and all ride the bench).
Help for Jacqui
Jacqui Smith is to employ a 'home secretary' to help her keep track of where she lives.