Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 11 February 2009
A pearl necklace is all the rage
Why not splash out on your girlfriend this Valentines day?
David Beckham reaches England Landmark
Seen waving from White Cliffs of Dover
The Salma Hayek Dairy
Salma Hayek was shown breastfeeding an African baby. The video was actually a promotion for her upcoming movie, 'The Breastfeeding Queen of New Orleans."
A Visit To The Mating Zoo
This Valentine's Day, the Battle Creek, Michigan Zoo will charge $50 to let visitors watch zoo animals reproduce. The tickets have sold out. Paris Hilton told her boyfriend, "Hey, I've got an idea."
North Korea Readies For Another 'There Goes The Missile Game'
North Korea appears poised to conduct another long range missile test. A high-ranking general in the missile department was reportedly seen at a Seoul Radio Shack purchasing 30 double A batteries.
Major League Baseball & The Steroid Mess
Major League Baseball will conduct another investigation into steroid use. A Federal official suggests that this time, in the interest of time, they focus on the players who did NOT use steroids.
Ashton "The Punk" Kutcher
Ashton Kutcher has just been signed to star in the Paramount Pictures movie, "The Demi Moore Story." Kutcher will play the part of Bruce Willis.
Large Hadron Collider Relaunch Delayed
No complaints, because most people are not partically interested.
Naomi Wins Another Grammy
In case you missed all those quick showings of the "Other winners" they flash by you every year on the Grammy's, Naomi Judd won Best Performance On The Spoons"!
Obama Hits Head
President Barack Obama hit his head when climbing aboard a helicopter Monday and now speaks with a French accent.
Oprah Joins A-Rod
Upon hearing A-Rod's announcement about taking steroids, Oprah stated on her show that she, too, had been taking them, the real reason she was up over 200 pounds.
A-Rod 's Shrinking Balls
Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted Tuesday to using steroids. He claimed that his balls were so big that he was beginning to have trouble running the bases so they needed shrinking.
Squirrel Shares Nuts
The economy has become so bad that yesterday, people in a park in Washington DC, say they saw a squirrel dig up a nut and bring it to an old guy on a bench.
Zsa Zsa Aging Fast
Friends of Zsa Zsa Gabor say that the loss of millions of her dollars to the Bernie Madoff scandal has aged the actress nearly a hundred years.
Nudist's Organ Nation
A spokesman for the "National Organ Nation Of Nudists" says he doesn't understand what all the hoopla is about Casual Friday.
Spears, Hilton Charity Work
Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have signed up to do a special commercial for this year's "Dingbat Awareness Week".
The B of the Bang sculpture is to be removed say Manchester Council
John McCain 0 Houses - Cindy McCain 7 Houses
The U.S. to provide homeowners $50 billion in mortgage relief. Senator John McCain says, "Great news, for a while there, I was afraid we were going to have to sell one of our seven houses."
Christian "Tons of Stress" Bale
Christian Bale's sister says that her brother needs to take anger management classes. And if he doesn't then he needs to at least change his name to Mike Tyson, Jr.
White Collar Workers & Pink Collar Workers
General Motors plans to cut 10,000 white collar workers. Meanwhile San Francisco's Fairy Tail Beauty Salon plans to cut 7 pink collar workers.
Will Smith was happy at being voted the most bankable actor
until he realised bankable meant no credit and very little interest.
A New York business offering a 'soup to nuts' approach has been accused of causing 3rd-degree burns.
News to take the Biscuit!
Dieticians say that biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.
Sally: I've Lost A Gooden
Sally Gooden says her late husband Ralph was the person who jumped naked out of a plane. "We were trying to join the Mile High Club and he hit his head, thought he was back in the Marines and jumped."