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Miller Lite - 40% Less...Sales

Sales of Miller Lite Beer have declined by 40 percent. A spokesman for the Miller Brewing Company says that their brewmasters have been instructed to use supersized hops, barley, oats, and water.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
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The Most Miserable City In America

A survey has just named Stockton, California as "The Most Miserable City in The U.S. To Live In." Butt Hole, Kentucky is challenging that number one ranking and plans to file a lawsuit.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Lots and Lots of Pork Barrels For Sale

President Obama's $827 billion stimulus plan contains no pork barrel spending. When told that pig farmers throughout America are angry, he replied, "Hey, I can't please everybody, oink oink."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
Rating:

The 2009 Modesto Cars Are Going Fast!

Modesto, California is the city with the highest car theft rate in the nation. City officials call an emergency meeting and vote to ban all cars: The city's new slogan, "Trucks, Trucks, Trucks."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
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The World of Whirpool Washers

Whirlpool sales have recently fallen 8 percent. Reports are that the board of directors are all extremely 'agitated.'

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Monte Carlo's Golden Arches

Monte Carlo has once again been named as "The Priciest City In The World." The local McDonald's Restaurants sell 'Big Macs' for $19. If you want buns, it'll cost an extra $7.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
Rating:

California Residents Are Heading East

A California judge says due to overcrowding he will release 1/3 of the prison population into society; about 58,000 convicts. Moving van companies report a 2,000 percent increase in business.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Just another brother

When Norm asked his black neighbor Durrell why he did not seem like he was excited about the inauguration of Barack Obama, Durrell replied: "It's just another brother movin' into government housing!"

written by Comic1, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Hudson Plane Interview

In an interview given to a local radio station in New York a passenger on flight 1549 which was brought down by geese, said the last thing he heard before the engines blew up was: "AFLAAAAAAAAC!"

written by Comic1, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Repubilcians offer Stimulus plan

The basic plan calls for Obama,s administration to pay its taxes on time, this will fill gaps in the budget

written by disciple, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Former UK Banking Bosses say Sorry

but laugh all the way to, well home really.

written by Roy Turse, 10 February 2009
Rating:

No Calorific Value

Dieticians have said that anything eaten while standing, has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass. Good eh?

written by IN SEINE, 10 February 2009
Rating:

New Farming Crop Discovered

A farmer from Ipswich, recently made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters! Poice have been informed and eviction notices served.

written by IN SEINE, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Warning: Better Avoid Alabama Troopers!

State Troopers in Alabama, cracking down on drunk drivers, are now not only asking the driver to walk a straight line and use their breath analyzer, they're also taking urine and stool samples.

written by Bureau, 10 February 2009
Rating:

FEMA: Peanut Butter OK

FEMA announced this morning that those receiving help from them should not worry about any salmonella in their peanut butter, since what they have is now at least five years old.

written by Bureau, 10 February 2009
Rating:

GM Cuts White-Collar Workforce by 14%

Struggling car-maker General Motors has announced it is to cut 10,000 staff, all from the white-collar areas of their business. Some managers have attempted to dodge the axe by changing their shirts.

written by Dungeekin, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Lindsay Lohan's Problem

Lindsay Lohan, who seemingly can't make up her mind if she's male or female, has been seen of late running around with Richard Simmons.

written by Bureau, 10 February 2009
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Obama Changes Motto

Barack Obama, who has been president for one month, has already changed his slogan to "Change we can jiggle around in our pockets!"

written by Bureau, 10 February 2009
Rating:

It's Cheney Again.

Further evidence has come in on that plane that went down in the Hudson River. Although one engine was lost to a flock of geese, the other was accidentally shot by Dick Cheney.

written by Bureau, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Welsh Honours List to be Considered

The Welsh Assembly is to consider developing its own Honours system. Reports that the MBE is to be named 'Member in Bronwen's Ewe' are as yet unconfirmed.

written by Dungeekin, 10 February 2009
Rating:

No Wonder He Usually Won

A Polish man in New York City was picked up by police during a Monopoly Game after they were tipped off that he had a counterfeit Monopoly money printer in his basement.

written by Bureau, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Divorce High for Maths Teachers

According to Relate, the marriage councelling service, the divorce rate is very high for maths teachers because they always have lots of problems.

written by IN SEINE, 10 February 2009
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Hookers Asked To Leave

In Hoboken, New Jersey last night, five hookers were asked to leave a convenience store.

written by Bureau, 10 February 2009
Rating:

British Government: "The US has at last stopped telling us what to do."

"What do we do?"

written by Roy Turse, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Recession: Worst for 100 years

The current global recession is "the most serious for over 100 years", cabinet minister Ed Balls has said. At this rate it will be the worst in 1,000 years! (Although cavemen did have it rough)

written by IN SEINE, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Earth may spin too fast

Scientists say the earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.

written by IN SEINE, 10 February 2009
Rating:

GOD plc calls in administrators

A surprising victim of the recession, multinational omnipresent GOD plc has appointed GMPK as administrators. Operating from a Croydon retail park, the company's assets are to be auctioned on ebay.

written by Andrew J Dutch, 10 February 2009
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NOTICE: All Ann Coulter Doll's Are Being Recalled

All of the Ann Coulter Dolls that were sold over the Christmas holidays are being recalled. Parents report that the doll literally scares the shit out of pets.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Madonna Dumps A-Rod

Madonna has dumped her boyfriend Alex Rodriguez after he admitted to using steroids in 2003. The diva said that he kept insisting that the reason they were small was because it was cold.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
Rating:

NASCAR's Charlotte 0

Well the nation's economic woes has finally reached NASCAR. Racing has gotten so expensive that a race in Charlotte, North Carolina, had to be cancelled because there was only one car in the race.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Battle of The Political Divas

Ann Coulter says that Arianna Huffington speaks with an accent. Huffington replies that Ann Coulter is so skinny that she doesn't have a G-Spot, she has a G-Speck.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Was It Chris Brown or Mike Tyson?

Singer Rihanna said that her boyfriend Chris Brown hit her and bit her. She told an officer, "The damn sucker went all Mike Tyson on me...he's one crazy mofo fo sho."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
Rating:

The Four Jennifers

PBS will be filming a major documentary. It is titled, "The Jennifers," and will star Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Garner, and Jennifer Hudson. Jennifer Connelly asked, "How 'bout me?"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 February 2009
Rating:

Obama denies he is black

Barak Obama will insist on being called "mixed race" from now on. "I am equally proud of my white heritage as my black heritage", said the new President. The Rev. Jesse Jackson had no comment.

written by NODDY, 10 February 2009
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