Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 10 February 2009
Miller Lite - 40% Less...Sales
Sales of Miller Lite Beer have declined by 40 percent. A spokesman for the Miller Brewing Company says that their brewmasters have been instructed to use supersized hops, barley, oats, and water.
The Most Miserable City In America
A survey has just named Stockton, California as "The Most Miserable City in The U.S. To Live In." Butt Hole, Kentucky is challenging that number one ranking and plans to file a lawsuit.
Lots and Lots of Pork Barrels For Sale
President Obama's $827 billion stimulus plan contains no pork barrel spending. When told that pig farmers throughout America are angry, he replied, "Hey, I can't please everybody, oink oink."
The 2009 Modesto Cars Are Going Fast!
Modesto, California is the city with the highest car theft rate in the nation. City officials call an emergency meeting and vote to ban all cars: The city's new slogan, "Trucks, Trucks, Trucks."
The World of Whirpool Washers
Whirlpool sales have recently fallen 8 percent. Reports are that the board of directors are all extremely 'agitated.'
Monte Carlo's Golden Arches
Monte Carlo has once again been named as "The Priciest City In The World." The local McDonald's Restaurants sell 'Big Macs' for $19. If you want buns, it'll cost an extra $7.
California Residents Are Heading East
A California judge says due to overcrowding he will release 1/3 of the prison population into society; about 58,000 convicts. Moving van companies report a 2,000 percent increase in business.
Just another brother
When Norm asked his black neighbor Durrell why he did not seem like he was excited about the inauguration of Barack Obama, Durrell replied: "It's just another brother movin' into government housing!"
Hudson Plane Interview
In an interview given to a local radio station in New York a passenger on flight 1549 which was brought down by geese, said the last thing he heard before the engines blew up was: "AFLAAAAAAAAC!"
Repubilcians offer Stimulus plan
The basic plan calls for Obama,s administration to pay its taxes on time, this will fill gaps in the budget
Former UK Banking Bosses say Sorry
but laugh all the way to, well home really.
No Calorific Value
Dieticians have said that anything eaten while standing, has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass. Good eh?
New Farming Crop Discovered
A farmer from Ipswich, recently made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters! Poice have been informed and eviction notices served.
Warning: Better Avoid Alabama Troopers!
State Troopers in Alabama, cracking down on drunk drivers, are now not only asking the driver to walk a straight line and use their breath analyzer, they're also taking urine and stool samples.
FEMA: Peanut Butter OK
FEMA announced this morning that those receiving help from them should not worry about any salmonella in their peanut butter, since what they have is now at least five years old.
GM Cuts White-Collar Workforce by 14%
Struggling car-maker General Motors has announced it is to cut 10,000 staff, all from the white-collar areas of their business. Some managers have attempted to dodge the axe by changing their shirts.
Lindsay Lohan's Problem
Lindsay Lohan, who seemingly can't make up her mind if she's male or female, has been seen of late running around with Richard Simmons.
Obama Changes Motto
Barack Obama, who has been president for one month, has already changed his slogan to "Change we can jiggle around in our pockets!"
It's Cheney Again.
Further evidence has come in on that plane that went down in the Hudson River. Although one engine was lost to a flock of geese, the other was accidentally shot by Dick Cheney.
Welsh Honours List to be Considered
The Welsh Assembly is to consider developing its own Honours system. Reports that the MBE is to be named 'Member in Bronwen's Ewe' are as yet unconfirmed.
No Wonder He Usually Won
A Polish man in New York City was picked up by police during a Monopoly Game after they were tipped off that he had a counterfeit Monopoly money printer in his basement.
Divorce High for Maths Teachers
According to Relate, the marriage councelling service, the divorce rate is very high for maths teachers because they always have lots of problems.
Hookers Asked To Leave
In Hoboken, New Jersey last night, five hookers were asked to leave a convenience store.
British Government: "The US has at last stopped telling us what to do."
"What do we do?"
Recession: Worst for 100 years
The current global recession is "the most serious for over 100 years", cabinet minister Ed Balls has said. At this rate it will be the worst in 1,000 years! (Although cavemen did have it rough)
Earth may spin too fast
Scientists say the earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
GOD plc calls in administrators
A surprising victim of the recession, multinational omnipresent GOD plc has appointed GMPK as administrators. Operating from a Croydon retail park, the company's assets are to be auctioned on ebay.
NOTICE: All Ann Coulter Doll's Are Being Recalled
All of the Ann Coulter Dolls that were sold over the Christmas holidays are being recalled. Parents report that the doll literally scares the shit out of pets.
Madonna Dumps A-Rod
Madonna has dumped her boyfriend Alex Rodriguez after he admitted to using steroids in 2003. The diva said that he kept insisting that the reason they were small was because it was cold.
NASCAR's Charlotte 0
Well the nation's economic woes has finally reached NASCAR. Racing has gotten so expensive that a race in Charlotte, North Carolina, had to be cancelled because there was only one car in the race.
Battle of The Political Divas
Ann Coulter says that Arianna Huffington speaks with an accent. Huffington replies that Ann Coulter is so skinny that she doesn't have a G-Spot, she has a G-Speck.
Was It Chris Brown or Mike Tyson?
Singer Rihanna said that her boyfriend Chris Brown hit her and bit her. She told an officer, "The damn sucker went all Mike Tyson on me...he's one crazy mofo fo sho."
The Four Jennifers
PBS will be filming a major documentary. It is titled, "The Jennifers," and will star Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Garner, and Jennifer Hudson. Jennifer Connelly asked, "How 'bout me?"
Obama denies he is black
Barak Obama will insist on being called "mixed race" from now on. "I am equally proud of my white heritage as my black heritage", said the new President. The Rev. Jesse Jackson had no comment.