Spoof news snippets from February 2009
There were 769 spoof news snippets published in February 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Sarah Palin Speaks Out!
Puts bumper sticker on her Suburban reading "My daughter is faster than your honor student." She probably didn't think that through too well.
Madonna Tells Press Alex Rodriguez has 12" Penis
"See, they don't call him A Rod for nothing." Madonna tells reporters, "Though his balls are tiny and he has a hairy back."
Madonna Tests Positive For Steroids
The pop star reportedly blamed it on Alex Rodriguez's "secret sauce"
"Will Work For Weed"
Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps, having lost celebrity endorsement contracts, seen walking the streets in tattered clothes with a cup for change and this pathetic message scrawled on cardboard.
Christians Point Out Fire and Brimstone In Iceland
Native Icelanders say it's just volcanic and geothermal activity, not an apocalyptic punishment for electing openly lesbian Johanna Sigurdadottir Prime Minister, as the Christians have suggested.
At least his breath is fresh...
Hit hard by economy, a San Francisco valet survives 2 months on breath mints and chewing gum pilfered from clients' automobiles.
George W. Bush approval rating on the rise
With "Dubya" no longer president, opinion polls indicate people's feelings about Bush beginning slow, inexorable climb back to "moderate disdain" and "mild nausea."
"Gateway Drug" Peddler Kell Logg drops Phelps
Due to British tabloid photo of Phelps smoking weed, makers of Super Sugar Buzz, Sugar Frosted Fakes, Crack Smackin' Pops and Kilo-Blur Cookies decide not to renew contract with Olympic champion.
Another "Green Revolution"
Potheads everywhere rally around Michael Phelps after Kell Logg Flake Company drops the Olympic champion as spokesman. They say they won't be satisfying their munchies with Kell Logg products anymore.
Israel to Fund Palestinian Space Program
Israeli P.M. Ehud Olmert announced establishment of Palestinian Aeronautics and Space Administration (PASA), whose prime directive will be to establish a Palestinian homeland on the surface of Mars.
Boneheads Incensed at Release of George Obama
Eager to link scandal to President Obama, right-wingers angry at release of his half-brother for suspicion of marijuana possession. They had already distorted the story to claims of drug trafficking.
Salmonella Outbreak Prompts KY Gelly Recall
Production halted as hundreds affected, some hospitalized, after using products from the popular line of personal lubricants.
Limbaugh to Square Off Against Kobayashi, Chestnut on Competitive Eating Circuit
Weighing more and claiming he can eat more than the Kodiak bear that beat Kobayashi in 2003, Limbaugh to attempt record for most hot dogs consumed in 12 minutes at Nathan's this July 4th.
Shilpa Shetty Asks for prayers for Goody
Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty has asked for prayers for her friend Jade Goody. Such a gesture is illegal in Somerset.
A British Tourist compensated by Zimbabwe Robber
Vivian Smythe, a student from Leeds, was held at gunpoint in Harare. The thief stole £100, but felt sorry for Smythe and gave him his money back + several trillion Zimbabwe dollars to catch a train.
The 'Bed' Diet
A young lady from Wolverhampton woke up this morning not very hungry at all. She confessd to having a roll and a turnover in bed?.
Obesity is the 'New' fat!
According to psychologists and nutitionists, obesity is the 'new' fat. However, Prof. Sue T. Dumpling warns; "This cannot be chewed!"
Sir Fred Goodwin Laughs all the way to the bank
Sir Fred Goodwin has been asked by Alistair Darling, Chancellor of the exchequer, to forgo his £650,000 pension. His reply was: "I did say sorry, didn't I?"
Ditched Helicopter found
A Super Puma helicopter that ditched in the North Sea earlier this week, failing to kill any of its passengers or crew has been found - on ebay!
"Welcome Amigos To Jerry Springer's Mexico!"
U.S college students are advised not to go to Mexico for their spring break. Due to the rival drug cartel violence Mexico is now kind of like the Jerry Springer Show but with bullets!
"Senors and Senora's The Bullfight She Is Over!"
A bullfight in Mexicali, Mexico was abruptly cancelled when the fighting bull developed a horrible case of diarrhea. One local fan called it the shitiest bullfight he had ever attended.
You Will Not Believe India's New Soft Drink
India is developing and plans to market a soft drink made from cow urine. They say that it will not smell like urine. Names being considered include Peepsi, Moo Moo Wee Wee Cola, and Dr. Peeper.
NOTICE: All Ann Coulter Doll's Are Being Recalled
All of the Ann Coulter Dolls that were sold over the Christmas holidays are being recalled. Parents report that the doll literally scares the shit out of pets.
Two teens arrested at Tesco today for shoplifting batteries and fireworks. One charged, the other let off.
Release of remix featuring Frank Ifield and Sid Vicious titled 'I Remember You, You Bastard' imminent.
Satellite Debris Rains Down On Texas
The FAA believes falling debris in Texas could be from the American - Russian satellite crash. A Waco resident said, "I smelt a piece of it, and it sure does smell like Russian salad dressing to me."
"Nurse Bring Me The Beaker That Says 'Fertilized Egg.'"
Doctors in Japan are puzzled as to how a woman was inpregnated with the wrong egg. A hospital spokesman has said that they are investigating how the sunny side up egg got into the beaker.
'I've Got You,' by the Dooley's reached the top of the charts this week in Bermuda.
Is It Oil Can Boyd or Oil Can't Boyd?
Pitcher Oil Can Boyd, 49, retired 10 years ago. He wants a chance to prove that he can still pitch in the 'Big Leagues.' He was tested for steroids and the results only showed Ben Gay and Icy Hot.
New Pizza Shop Opens
Someone just opened "The Psychic Pizza Parlor" in Halifax. You don't even have to call to order it, and if it is delivered more than 30 minutes before you are hungry, the next one is free.
Indecent Incident Keeps Police Busy
Someone has drilled peepholes in the fence around a Naturist Camp in woodland in Telford. West Mercia Police are looking into it.
Salt reserves in Britain Critical
The bad news is that salt reserves in Britain are critical, but the good news is that it has plenty of pepper in stock!
If you suffer from bad breath, contact Madame La Guillotine. France. Solution guaranteed.
Six Flags Not Waving Too Good
Six Flags, the amusement park company is really being hit hard by the economic crisis. Reports are that they are in the process of changing the name to Four Flags.
Explosives haul missing in Gaza
The UN urges the return of an arms stockpile which disappeared while under Hamas control. Unnamed, hooded, Hamas spokesmen are reputed to have said; "It wasn't us, it was those Israelis of course!"
Nurse Suspended for Prayer Offer
A Somerset nurse has been suspended for offering to pray for a 77 year-old sick lady. "What if the patient got better?" said hospital bosses. "If everyone did that, there'd be no need for an NHS!"
Good Job No Third Runway
BAA officials are thankful that Heathrow Airport hasn't got a third runway yet - because snow would have closed that one too!
No Calorific Value
Dieticians have said that anything eaten while standing, has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass. Good eh?
A Boy George Prison Update
HMP Edmunds Hill Prison in Newmarket, Suffolk, England reports that inmate Boy George has gone from being "The Queen of Cell Block #19," to being "The Queen of The Entire Prison."
Snowbound Britain: Low on Salt
Snowbound Britain is dangereously low on salt and food manufacturers are to blame - "They've been adding far too much for over a decade!" claims Celebrity Chef, Jamie Oliver
Quasimodo On The Run
Being chased by a bunch of kids in Moss Side, Quasimodo was heard to say: "Ive told you, I haven't got your fucking ball!"
Mickey Rourke From Wrestler To Boxer
Mickey Rourke fresh from his success with the movie "The Wrestler" has just been signed to star in the upcoming Paramount movie "The Boxer." Rourke will portray ex-heavyweight champion Mike Tyson.
Jane Fonda - The 71-Year-Old Barbarella
Jane Fonda, 71, will reprise her role in the 1968 movie, "Barbarella." The sequel, which comes after 40 years is titled, "Barbarella - The Wrinkles, Varicose Veins, and Cellulite Years."
Ricky Hatton Not Gay
"I said I'd put him on his arse. How does that equate to gayness?" said the boxer.
In Shrewsbury today, a man who is only 3 feet tall was pickpocketed by a gang youths. West Mercia police said: "how could anyone stoop so low?"
Snow Casualties Innundate Hospitals
The snow has caused hospitals to be crammed with people requiring attention for fractures, sprains and bruises. PCTs are offering nurses to pray for them NOT!
Adios To One of The "Desperate Housewives"
Nicolette Sheridan, one of the "Desperate Housewives" is leaving the show. When asked why, Ms. Sheridan simply replied, "I'm just no longer desperate."
A Visit To The Mating Zoo
This Valentine's Day, the Battle Creek, Michigan Zoo will charge $50 to let visitors watch zoo animals reproduce. The tickets have sold out. Paris Hilton told her boyfriend, "Hey, I've got an idea."
NHS save money!
Somerset Primary Care Trust are demonstrating they're saving money by suspending a nurse for over over 7 weeks with NO pay. The nurse was suspended for offering prayer for healing of the sick.
Disaster at a local paper outlet as it was found to have been blown away.
Spoof Writers Recognised At Last
As of today, by royal decree, in tribute to Spoof writers, anything of excellence shall be referred to as 'The Monkey's Nuts' or the 'Dunc's Donuts.' And that's an order!
Paper Shops At Risk
They can be blown away. Sorry, but it's true.
Salma "Got Milk" Hayek Weds
Salma Hayek, 42, weds French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault, 46. He promises to buy her a dairy farm and she promises him no more trips to Africa.
The Gibb's Housekeeper's Brand New Bee Gee Baby
Bee Gee's singer Barry Gibb's housekeeper gives birth to his baby. Barry's wife, Dwina is furious and says, "Our housekeeper was only supposed to service our house not my damn husband."
Hey, That Ain't No "Baby On Board" Sign
A policeman in Oklahoma City pulled a man over because he had an anti-Obama sign displayed on his car window. The sign was confiscated. The policeman said that Senator McCain told him he was sorry.
Ann "Giraffe Legs" Coulter
A national men's magazine, has just named GOP mouthpiece Ann Coulter as 'The 2009 Woman With The Longest Legs and Tongue.'
North Korea Readies For Another 'There Goes The Missile Game'
North Korea appears poised to conduct another long range missile test. A high-ranking general in the missile department was reportedly seen at a Seoul Radio Shack purchasing 30 double A batteries.
GM's Saturn's Are Going Bye-Bye
GM has announced that it will cease production on a car it introduced in 2006. GM will no longer produce the Saturn. Plans are under way however to develop a new more economical car, the Uranus.
China's "Ugly Betty" Ain't
TV viewers of China's version of "Ugly Betty" say she is not at all ugly. The producers are desperately trying to find a replacement. As of yet, Amy Winehouse has not returned their calls.
Man Found Dead in Westminster
A frozen corpse was found on the doorstep of the Houses of Parliament. "It was so cold that the poor man felt like listening to MPs, so desperate for some hot air he must have been." Said a Coroner.
Shakira's Hips Don't Lie
Due to years of exotic belly dancing moves during her concerts, Colombian singer Shakira has announced that she will have to have a belly and hip transplant.
New Nerve Discovery!
Doctors have discovered a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
Tiger Woods' Wife Has A Tiger Cub
Tiger Woods' wife Elin has just given birth to a son. The couple named him Putter...after one of Elin's grandmothers.
McCain Takes His Football Home
Barbara Walters asked John McCain to appear on 'The View.' He declined her offer. A McCain aide said John is still mad that the last time he appeared, the cameraman kept zooming in on his combover.
Abu Ghraib Finally Reopens
Baghdad's infamous Abu Ghraib Prison which was closed in 2006 has reopened. In an effort to be more prisoner friendly the new facility is now called, The Sands of Disneyland Prison.
Mickey D's Making Fast Food Even Faster
McDonald's noting that the nation's financial crisis has cut into their sales is promoting it's cheapest burger ever. In a few weeks they'll be offering, "The New McMeatless Big Mac."
It Doesn't Add Up!
According to beauty Michelle Pfeiffer, 50 is the new 30. Maths was never her strong point, but then again she is blonde.
Lindsay "LiLo" Lohan Is Lookin' Skinny
Lindsay Lohan has lost a lot of weight lately. When a reporter asked her if it was due to the stress in her relationship with 'girlfriend' Samantha Ronson, LiLo replied, "YES! NO! MAYBE SO!"
Schwarzenegger To Become An Actor (Again)
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has finally figured out a way to solve California's mammoth money problems. Arnold will make three movies and donate his pay to the state.
California Residents Are Heading East
A California judge says due to overcrowding he will release 1/3 of the prison population into society; about 58,000 convicts. Moving van companies report a 2,000 percent increase in business.
The Next Indiana Jones Movie
Harrison Ford has just announced that he will begin filming his next movie soon. It's entitled, "Indiana Jones - The Search For The Stimulus Package."
Snake Charming Outlawed in India
Snake Charming has been Outlawed in India causing over 1,000 jobs to be lost. However, MPs in the UK are allowed to 'charm' the public - now THAT should be outlawed!
Madonna Dumps A-Rod
Madonna has dumped her boyfriend Alex Rodriguez after he admitted to using steroids in 2003. The diva said that he kept insisting that the reason they were small was because it was cold.
Scientists have published a report today, in the British Medical Journal. They claim Alcohol does not make you FAT -it makes you LEAN... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
Hugo, Fidel, & Raul - The Terrible Trio
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez visited Cuba's Fidel and Raul Castro. Reporters asked if it was a business trip and Chavez said, "No, I just wanted to visit with someone who still likes me."
M & S fined £20,000 over accident
Tim Payne lost part of a big toe while using a goods lift in one of their shops. The firm was fined £20,000. A spokeswoman said in sexy tone; "This isn't just an ordinary toe, this is an M & S Toe!"
The Clearance Bin Computers Were A Steal!
The 67 computers that were stolen from The Los Alamos Nuclear Weapons Laboratory in New Mexico have been found. State police found all 67 computers at Pablo's Pawn Shop in Gallup, New Mexico.
In California, baby boy has been born with 24 perfectly formed fingers and toes - 6 on each hand and foot. "When he grows up he will be useful for thumbing a lift or flipping the bird" doctors said.
Man 'waged urine-spray campaign'
A man sprayed urine in 2 supermarkets, a pub and a bookshop in Gloucester, a jury at Bristol Crown Court has heard. He was also charged with being in possession of an offensive weapon - his dick!
Trinidad Bans Atlantic Swimmer!
Jennifer Figge took 24 days to swim from the Cape Verde islands off Africa to Trinidad has been denied access to enter the country because she forgot her passport. She now has to swim back for it!
Tokyo, Japan's auto giant, Nissan will be laying off 20,000 employees. The CEO says if things do not get better Nissan may have to outsource their operations to America.
Ryanair to test charging for using toilets!
Michael O'Leary, boss of Ryanair budget airline is to 'test the waters' by charging up to £1 for those wanting to use the toilet. He is first going to try the 'Buy One Get One Free' or BOGOF offer!
Major League Baseball & The Steroid Mess
Major League Baseball will conduct another investigation into steroid use. A Federal official suggests that this time, in the interest of time, they focus on the players who did NOT use steroids.
Malia & Sasha Dolls Selling For $3,000
The controversial Malia and Sasha Obama dolls are selling on eBay for $3,000 each. Meanwhile the George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld action figure doll set collection is selling for 7 cents.
Julia Roberts and The Sequel To "Pretty Woman"
Julia Roberts has been signed to star in the sequel to her 1990 hit "Pretty Woman." The film which also stars Richard Gere is set 19 years later. The movie is titled, "Pretty Old Woman."
Ashton "The Punk" Kutcher
Ashton Kutcher has just been signed to star in the Paramount Pictures movie, "The Demi Moore Story." Kutcher will play the part of Bruce Willis.
Migrants face tighter work rules
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith says non-EU migrants should not get skilled jobs unless they have been offered to UK workers. That makes no difference really because there are NO skilled workers left.
The New Macy's...Not Like The Old Macy's!
Macy's announces 4th quarter loses of 49%. The CEO says they will discontinue their valet parking, fire all of their in-store psychiatrists, and start charging customers a $10 shopping fee.
Eddie "Buckwheat" Murphy
Eddie Murphy was to star in the Universal Pictures movie, "The Richard Pryor Story." But producers canned the idea when they decided that Murphy was not black enough.
Ashley Judd Does Not Like Reindeer Balls
Ashley Judd was asked to play Sarah Palin in an upcoming HBO movie but she declined. Judd said, "I will not play a woman who not only eats reindeer balls, but who thinks that it's cool."
"Do You Want Fries With That" In The Key of G
Reliable, unnamed, inside sources are reporting that Chris Brown has turned in applications at Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Starbucks, and Taco Bell.
Neil Diamond - The Timex Watch of Singers
Neil Diamond was honored at the Grammy's for his amazing 85 years in the music business.
The Salma Hayek Dairy
Salma Hayek was shown breastfeeding an African baby. The video was actually a promotion for her upcoming movie, 'The Breastfeeding Queen of New Orleans."
Cell Phone Eyed In US-USSR Satellite Crash
An American satellite and a Russian satellite have crashed into each other hundreds of miles above the Earth. Preliminary reports indicate the American satellite was talking on the cell phone.
President Bush Bobble Head Dolls Are Outta Here!
A Wal-Mart in Provo, Utah has had to remove its entire collection of President George W. Bush bobble head dolls from its shelves. It seems that they were scaring the daylights out of little kids.
Doggone Traffic Is Going To The Dogs
A Pottsboro, Texas woman was arrested with 22 dogs in her car. Local authorities said she was not arrested for having the 22 dogs in her car, but because she was letting one of the dogs drive.
Visit North Korea Before It's Gone
North Korea is ready to test launch one of its ballastic missiles. The last time the missile barely missed hitting Japan. China has stated, "If your missile hits us, you're a parking lot!"
"Mommy Dearest" starring Ashton Kutcher
Ashton Kutcher has been signed to star in the movie, "Mommy Dearest." It is not a remake of the Joan Crawford movie. It is actually based on the Ashton Kutcher-Demi Moore marriage.
The French Submarine Was At Fault
A British and a French nuclear submarine collided under the Atlantic Ocean. The HMS Mick Jagger and the FS Plaster of Paris sustained some damage. The French sub did smell highly of Bordeaux Wine.
Tatiana Del Toro Balls (The Reality Show Drama Queen)
Tatiana Del Toro, who is probably the most annoying person to ever appear on American Idol has been eliminated. After the show Tatiana was asked for a comment and she said, "Waaa! waaa! waaa! waaa!"