Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 9 December 2009
Guard Having Trouble
White House guard claims he's tired of younger Obama daughter riding him as her pony. "Spurs can hurt!"
Sure You're Gay?
Man asks male couple always fighting in other apartment, "How come all the gay people on TV are funny?"
Teenage girls, old guys dressed like vampires, werewolves are all swept up in the new Twilight craziness. "That vampire bit me on the ass", often overheard outside theaters.
B of A Repays Taxpayers Bailout Funds
Marriage between government and Private Bankers to continue.
Bin Laden reported killed in remote mountains of Afghanistan. Bin Laden II mirages now being created.
Tiger Woods Committed!
To a Hospital for the Sexually Insane.
Cheney Makes Big Predition for 2010
His investment portfolio will be bigger than ever.
Japanese Watches Fall
New Swiss made watches on the rebound as jewelry, as they also have agreed to give every new owner unlimited free minutes.
Iraq Ready To Go It Alone
Iraqi officials say they are ready to US to pull all troops. All factions agree upon selection of Saddam Hussein look alike as new leader.
"It's The Clone!"
First human clone in eastern Europe hunted down with torches and burned up in old mansion.
Ladin Still Alive!
Karzai says he thinks Ben Ladin is still alive. "Or he was last week at the market place."
Hatfield's Can Even Tell McCoys
Scientist: Some people in eastern Kentucky, eastern Tennessee and West Virginia can tell their friends when shown photos.
Home Values Plunge 500 Billion for 2009
Yep, its true, the recovery is now complete.
Nicholas Cage's Former Girlfriend Sues for Millions
Cage contacts Tiger Woods for Hush Money Advice.
Tobacco Houses Open
High costs of tobacco leading to small enclosed shops on city streets that are full of tobacco smoke. Only $1 per five minute stay.
"Thought It Was Terrorists"
Huge methane explosion as truck loaded with cattle runs into Taco Bell front window.
Excuse Me Again!
Separated couple accidentally bump into each other at a mutual friends party, over 100 times.
It'll Do That To You
Too much sugar in drinks, candy and coffee is being blamed for the Actuary Convention riot in NYC last night
Geithner Extends Bailout to 2010....Says Recovery Not Complete
Correct Interpretation: AIG and Banker Boy bonuses to increase at taxpayer expense in 2010.
Why Liver Pills Outlawed
New imaging machine shows that those Carter Little Liver Pills went straight by the liver and out the old wazzo!
Look! He's Really Glad To See Us!
New plastic surgeon specializing in male whatnots gets lots of free advertising by wearing really tight pants and taking pill hour before going out.
Boy paints 60 ft phallus (Dick, dickheads) on the roof of his parents house!
A student has painted a 60ft phallus on the roof of his parents house, it was a cry for help!
Look Joe, A Segway!
New version of segway a lot more popular with men as it forces women riders rear ends to stick way out to ride it.
"Lead Man" Recalled
Superhero doll "Lead Man" recalled and shipped back to China. Apparently had lead paint.
Learned His Lesson
Fired web designer in Topeka, Kansas, fired over sexual harassment designs web site on "How to not get caught at sexual harassment!"
Low Rider's Only
Department of Transportation decides to not replace "Warning: 5-Foot Clearance Ahead" sign because of costs.
Just Like Marley
Michigan man says he can still hear his mother-in-law nagging him in the still of the night, three years after her death.
US Propaganda Minister Gates Arrives in Afghanistan
US taxpayers vote to make him stay there.
Panic In Norway Explained
A mysterious light display appearing over Norway last night has leaving thousands in the north of the country baffled, turns out to be 'blue light special in aisle three at nearby store.
Warning Is Depressive
How warnings that cigarettes kill can make you smoke MORE (to help cope with the idea of your death). Take up drinking. Eat junk.
Teen's Problem List
Body hang-ups and bad skin top the list of teen troubles as one in three girls worry about their weight, old guys hanging around bathrooms.
Twins Born On Different Days!
Meet Alfie and Charlie - the twins who were born on different days. Amazingly, one born five seconds before midnight, the other fifteen seconds after. "This only happens once in 25 days", says Doc.
"Hit That One Out Of The Park!"
Holy cow! Is white cross on calf's forehead a divine sign from above? Former Cub announcer,Harry Caray, appears in a vision to owner.
US oldest Soap, "As the world turns" is booted out, what a f*****g relief!
One of the world's oldest soaps, "As the World Turns" is booted out, the world breathes lightlier from today and it's confirmed, there is a God afterall!
Feeding Cows Garlic
Feeding garlic to cows could help cut global warming. But you can only drink it with Italian food.
Couple blow £27,000 life savings on chance to have dinner with legend Neil Diamond. "I thought it was Hennie's George at first!"
Rembrandt Brings Record
Rembrandt auction sets £20million world record. "There's A Sucker Born Everyday" brings Dutch artist biggest price yet.
Tips On Safety
Buggy maker Maclaren sued by parents over pushchairs that severed children's fingertips. Several Rabbis also being sued.
Cinder Block Sells For £3,000
A £3,000 brick on show at an art exhibition has been stolen and replaced with a 40p version. Note left: "Didn't know I was an art collector until now. Will leave Cinder Block for free later."
"Glad They Won, Spoiled My Lunch"
Airport staff find out they have won a £2.6m Lotto fortune on Facebook moon long line waiting for their airline tickets.
Top Ten Appear Live!
Tiger Woods: Porn star Joslyn James is tenth woman linked to disgraced golfer. See all ten on Letterman's Top Ten list tonight.
Danica Patrick Wins Nascar's Biggest Prize
Millions of Dollars for having never driven in a Nascar race.
You Fired Tomorrow!
Taxi driver sacked after he was captured on hidden CCTV telling partially blind pensioners: 'You die tonight'
Icy fortnight on the way... but chances of white Christmas, huge Holiday-fed asses still slim.
Number 10 Downing
Tiger Woods: Porn star Joslyn James is tenth woman linked to disgraced golfer. Eight more expected to complete 18 hole round.
Banks Refiguring Costs
Pre-Budget Report 2009: Banks to be hit with one-off levy on any bonuses over £25,000, passing it on to customers.
Tax Pays For Today
Darling hits everyone earning over £20,000 with 0.5% NI increase which should cover today's expenses, payouts.
Still Another Cover-Up!
A neo-Nazi gang member went on trial for murder on Monday with his swastika and other tattoos covered by makeup on the order of a Florida judge who thought they could prejudice Jewish jurors.
Seuss Sues Shenanigans!
NFL fines Ochocinco, $30K for poncho, sombrero. Also sued by estate of Dr. Seuss.
It's A Start
All-Star center fielder Granderson headed to Yanks as part of 3-team deal. Signs for $1,000000000000000000000 for first year.
Pacific War Museum Dedicated
Senior Bush helps dedicate new Pacific War museum gallery by cutting, wearing ribbon. Jimmy Carter wears two ribbons.
FAA Beeping Away!
The FAA said Tuesday it is forming a panel to examine the reliability of a telecommunications network that broke down last month, snarling air traffic beep beep boop beep...across the ..beep..country.
Obama is not calmer
"You bet I'm angry" said President Obama after hearing that Tiger Woods is selling the President's handkerchief on Ebay to cover costs of massive divorce case. First bid was for $450,000.00.
Early rocker Little Richard hospitalized after falling out of rocking chair.
Springsteen Supports Gay Marriages
Bruce Springsteen backs gay marriage in NJ. Exchanges rings with Clarence Clemons.
Expensive Study Concluded
Experts: Unopened parachute deaths could make big drop this year!
Bunch Of Sickos
The US ranks near bottom in life expectancy among wealthy nations despite spending more than double per person on health care than the industrialized world's average, an economic group said Tuesday.
The Power Of Placebos
British researchers: little evidence Tamiflu works as more placebo patients recover on average.
Texas Instruments Really Fasinating
Texas Instruments raises 4Q profit, sales targets. "Entrance into sex toy market was a brilliant idea", says CEO.
Anthropogenic Global Warming?
Is it a surprise that people believe this? Not when you consider so many more people believe in imaginary friends called 'gods' without any evidence. It makes AGW almost seem real. Who said human's are intelligent....?
Hubble: I Spy Another Sky
Hubble spies never-before-seen galaxies, not even seen by the USS Enterprise.
The government's $700 billion bailout of financial system helped prevent an all-out panic last fall but hasn't met many of the targets Congress set out, a watchdog panel says. It's a good smokescreen.
Compromising The Compromising
Dean embraces Senate compromise on health care. "Just so long as we pass something called "The New Health Care Bill".
Changed His Mind Again
A long-running effort to allow the import of lower-cost prescription drugs faces a new twist: President Obama's need for cash from US drug companies for 2012 Presidential run.
Beware The Woods At Night
Woman's 911 call from Woods' home to 'Hurry up' pretty par for the course, say EMT medics.
Rich vs. poor clash at Copenhagen over money, lack of money, a pot to piss in.
GOP In Spotlight
Kennedy special election puts GOP in spotlight. Sarah Palin to open up with a little shimmy shimmy number, then a Larry Craig toe tapper.
Jungle Out There!
Extremely dangerous' blizzards move into Midwest, followed by extremely cold, hungry buzzards.
Grant Alleviates Traffic Problem
Grant to alleviate traffic in the area! Ghost of former Union leader, President sending traffic around that part of town.
Peas, Kings of Leon, Monk Theme top iTunes best sellers of 2009. Just kidding about Monk, but it IS a jungle out there.
Could Be 20-30 Year Wait
Iraqi PM asks for patience after Baghdad bombings. "We're building them back as fast as possible."
New Congress Bill Readied
Congress readies huge year-end, rear-end spending bill to get us all off our asses and back to work.
House Looking Into Football Playoffs
House panel considers college football playoffs. Place Iraq, Afghanistan, high unemployment, health care on hold.
Ricky Gervais - NEWS TV SERIES
The comic genius from Reading has declared a revival of the show that made him rich and famous - but with a twist. 'The Orifice' will star Gervais as manager of a anal bleaching clinic.
Drink & Run Away From Disease
Having a few more cups of coffee and running that extra mile each day can reduce a man's risk of dying of prostate cancer, two studies indicate. Study sponsored by Starbucks, Nike!
Wonder Who That Could Be?
US Air Force confirms 'Beast of Kandahar' drone. Drone seeks out individuals or groups before exploding, telling enemies: Beware the knock on the door!
States Cut Tobacco Ads
Report: States cut funding for tobacco prevention. Mostly just use slogan: "Don't smoke. Don't chew, You big idiot, you!"
New Afghan Plan
US officials predict success for new Afghan plan as #7 is always lucky!
Al Gore - The Greedy Lying Bore
He talks crap, scares billions of people, backtracks on what he says, admtting he may not have got it right - and makes $1 BILLION on the back of it....!!
Hundreds of Women Flock to Meet Amorous Dolphin
Women in New Zealand are flocking to see a teenage oversexed, delinquent dolphin. One woman said; " Most of the men on the island are more interested in sheep, so it makes a refreshing change!"
Tiger Woods Porn Star? Pics Being Shopped Around
Reports are now in that pics of Tiger in the raw and roaring are being shopped around. Playgirl Magazine has apparently been approached to see "what their interest level would be" for the pics.
Uma Thurman has broken off her engagement to multi-millionaire
Said Uma: "I want a spoofer".
Ground control to Major Tom
A New Jersey man arrived home from work to find that NASA scientists had taken over his house and had converted it into ground station for space flights. However,he realised he was really in Houston.
Dexter inspires nationwide crimewave
The popular TV show "Dexter" is credited with 27 copycat serial killers from coast to coast. The original producer was unavailable for comment, as were the original writers and sponsors.
The poor are hanging about office buildings at 10am each morning, in the hopes of getting the "short" from the smokers on break.
Primitive tribe discovered
A tribe in the Amazon was recently discovered that was so primitive that they had not yet invented the wheel, fire, or masturbation. They declined the wheel and fire, but were thankful for the last.
Dems Reach Deal to Drop Public Insurance Option
The deal reportedly involves the insurance companies agreeing not to donate to the opposition candidate's campaign fund in the next re-election in return for protecting insurance company profits.
Elin Woods Purchases Mansion on Island Off Swedish Coast
Sending a message, Elin Woods has purchased a mansion on an island off the coast of Sweden. Reports are in that the Town Mayor has ordered all young women on the island to die their hair black.
Democrats Announce Broad Agreement on Healthcare Bill
They reached a broad agreement with insurance companies that provides millions of new polices and allows those companies to increase their profits by not providing services.
US Senator Suggests Making War Machine Companies Be Made Non-Profit
Reports are coming in that say a US Senator has just been killed by a mob of angry Senators.
Mystery Plane Unveiled in Afghanistan
The spy drone was questioned being used in a country with no radar, but sources have disclosed it flies high and can follow low jack signals. It will now be leased by sponsors to track Tiger Woods.
Clown Was There Too
Crashers' won't testify if subpoenaed. "If Bozos like Al Franken can be there, why can't we?"
Back To Normal
Tiger Woods' mother-in-law home from hospital hasn't stopped talking for four hours.
Sometimes You're the Bug
Entrepreneur in Florida is now stuck with 100,000 "Tiger Woods For President!" signs he was planning on selling at PGA courses next year.
Slight Name Change
Entertainment Today: Michael Jackson now crowned as the King of Pop-Offs!
Grow Our Own!
US Agriculture report says the the US must become less dependent on foreign soil.
Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Tiger and Elin Woods dolls may be the hit of this year's Holiday season.
Man with hook for hand tells young couple parked off to themselves, "Hey, let's do it Urban Legend style."
A Sure Tip-Off
Neighbors of caught Midnight Strangler say they should have been suspicious after seeing him outside window choking his chicken many nights.
Obama Grants Status
President Obama grants France and Mexico most-flavored Nations status!
We Needed That
Crowd going to work on Chicago street this morning say that those terroristic water balloons were a wake-up call.
Families Brought Together
Hard economic times forcing more and more families to shop by ripping off things.
The Dell Publishing House has announced that they are bringing back the old magazine, "Tiger Beat".
The Office Boor
Guy at office keeps talking to ladies about how awful sexual harassment is, but they suspect that he just loves to say "sexual her ass mint"
McChrystal: Uprooting Bin Laden key to Winning in Afghanistan
McChrystal confirmed the US has not had any info about Bin Laden in years and he might be an illusion. However, he said the debt to US taxpayers for the military expedition would not be an illusion.
Miranda to be re-wrote
Just telling a public school educated suspect that they have the right to remain silent isn't enough, it's argued. The police must also duct tape the suspect's mouth closed, ruled the Supreme Court.
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