Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 8 December 2009
US Treasury Says Bailout Will Turn A Profit
White House discloses former Accountants from WorldCom/MCI were retained to make the determination.
One Big Meth
The Methamphetamine Diet so far has proved to cause faster weight loss than Weight Watchers, Adkins, especially after death.
Iran Man Back
"Iran Man" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he is ready to fight "Captain America"!
Times In Trouble Again
Satirist Frankie The J. accused of fabricating New York Times story, "Mountain Leprechauns".
Dole Back With Viagra
Bob Dole Signs once again to do ads for Viagra. He will replace cartoon character, Floopy The Flipper.
Kobe Bryant and Tiger Woods to Co-Author Book
Claiming together THEY, not Wilt Chamberlain hold the tile for most babes screwed on the road.
O'Bama Presses for New Stimulus to Create Jobs
Says new roads and bridges need to be built to facilitate travel that no one can afford.
Secretary Gates Arrives in Afghanistan
Tells Afghans not to listen to O'Bama and that those actually controlling the US government will never stop wasting taxpayer's dollars in the region. It's too profitable for his investment portfolio.
Ohio Executes Prisoner with Single Drug Method
The lethal mix was administered orally instead of the traditional injection method.
The deadly potion was arrived at from mixing a number of Martha Stewart's "Home Cooking" recipes.
GOP to Run Palin - O'Reilly pair in 2012
All Science Books to be Burned at Inauguration.
US Cracks Down on City for Counterfeiting- Says Citizens Should Roll Up and Die
The Mayor for Duninbydicks Indiana, stated that the City had resorted to printing their own currency because nobody had any. US officials told the Mayor that they should just roll up and die instead.
Hard Times But Sales up
Makers of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra say sales up despite current hard times!
At Least Two Cases
Police suspected Tiger drank alcohol on day of crash. "There were just too many smashed beer bottles all over the premises."
Hawaii Visits Up!
Giant waves, Fake baby birth certificates draw thousands to Hawaii's beaches and hospital records.
Juice Helps Memory
Scientific study shows that drinking something or other can improve your memory. PRUNE JUICE! No, that's for the other end.
Though Identified By Former Mistress
After recently discovering that Hitler's skull wasn't Hitler, the Russian government has rechecked other items & found that Hitler's penis was that of a banty rooster.
Benji Bernanke says "Too Early to Know Whether Recovery Will Last"
States further that banks and insurance companies may need trillions $$$$ more for bonuses as a result.
Obama Appoints Odor Man
President appoints first Odor Czar as 'Sniff Squad' heads out to check out landfills, service station station bathrooms and those leaving Taco Bell.
Hotel Manager Defends Himself
Christian hotel manager in court accused of asking hijab-wearing guest: 'Are you a terrorist and a murderer?' says the guy proved it by "blowing up" after his question.
Obama selects the 30,000 he's sending to Middle East
List includes Republican National Committee, Fox News Employees, and any Democrats who voted against his health care reform bills.
Once A Rare Position
New job at Barnum & Bailey/Ringling Brother's Circus for fat lady draws 500,000 inquiries.
Gonna Be Rough
Al Gore: By this time two years from now, you'll be able to fry an egg on top of your bald spot.
Elin Nordegren Woods contemplating punishment if she catches husband cheating again
She can't decide between using the song "I've got a Tiger by the tail" or the ad campaign "put a Tiger in your tank."
Elin Nordegren Woods to publish new book
"101 Household Chores You Can Do With Your Husband's Golf Clubs"
No Aliens Concerned
United States Military reveals that those crazy crop circles are caused by "Crop Circle Beetles".
Limbaugh To Run?
Rush Limbaugh says he may run for office under the new Prescription Pill Party, saying that most Americans can identify with that.
According to letter auctioned off last week, written by Martha Washington, George deserved to be placed on something called "Rushmore"!
Country Divided By Favorite Goat Meals
In eastern Europe, the country of Litsmakastan has declared it's dependence from Combachere.
Healthier Cigarettes On The Way
Big tobacco companies cutting back on chemicals, from 90 to 65. "Should have arsenic out next year sometime."
New Indian car that gets up to 100 miles per gallon totaled after running over chicken.
McDonalds catch the dreaded "Gayphobia" in Florida
Orlando, Florida, McDonalds have caught the "Gayphobic" virus given to them by a gender-bender-boy-girl? McDonalds dispute all forms of discrimination only vegetarians are refused a JOB!
O'Bama Says U.S. Must "Spend Its Way Out of Recession"
Well, Congress and the US Senate certainly "spent" their way out of their recession, so let's kick this one off the right way. Give me some money and I'll spend it.
Just when you think it's safe to book your Baghdad holiday, BLAST, BLAST , BLAST!
Iraqi travel agencies are welcoming back tourists to Baghdad, but just when they thougt it was safe to visit Saddam's palace, BLAST, BLAST, BLAST! Bookings for Teheran are now the HIT!
Scientology Losing Members
A new report shows that many are leaving Scientology religion and joining cults.
Adult Learning Channel
The Learning Channel creates new adult learning hours after midnight with hostess, Bambi Topheavy!
Big Court Battle
Budweiser takes Viagra to court over "Whattttt's Uppppp" commercials.
Just Need Time!
Artist says he'll need nothing special to carve President Obama's head into Mount Rushmore in Black Hills of S.D.
You're A Foul One!
Caught on camera: The thief who stole Christmas tree from children's grotto. Viewers describe him mostly as, Green.
Miss Smith Going Back Home?
A murderess who became pregnant while a prisoner is to be given a taxpayer-funded change of identity, even though she is returning to live in her family home. New Identity: Taxpayer Treat Smith.
Judge Calls For Ban
Judge calls for a ban on unmanned tanning salons after teenage girl suffers horrific burns. Suggests "The Bankrupted After Lawsuit Tanning Place".
Lives On The Line!
Outrage as minister says desk-bound immigration chiefs deserve £10,000 bonuses - for 'putting their lives on line' "If not before, they are now", say some.
Trying To Outdo Tiger?
Tiger Woods' mother-in-law rushed to hospital on stretcher after collapsing at his mansion. "She's just jealous of attention I got from the wreck", states Tiger.
Still No Respect
Piss-To-Water machine lost in space comes to earth on top of Rodney Dangerfield's grave.
Although Eli Manning still suffering from a bad foot, he says that it won't keep him out of kicking ass in the NFL playoffs!
Four In The Floor
South Korean scientist believed to say that he's cloned a woman with four breasts but hard to understand with tongue hanging out.
Stocks Getting Sexy
Wall Street Ups and Downs of late has been so sexy that many leave floor to run home for a quickie.
Ex-WMD dossier Spook denies being an MoD puppet
Appearing before the Chilcot Committee 'Captain' John Scarlett said there were several strings of valuable intelligence that lead the governement into blagging its way to war.
Kids Like Solar
American kids reportedly really getting into the solar power thing, mostly over anthills.
Another Hospital Suit
Late hemophiliac accidentally taken to wrong ward donates eight pints of blood. "He left her looking like a turnip", states nurse.
Another Oprah Blooper!
Tina Turner, so out of it, she puts on Cher's ass by mistake, before going on Oprah.
Veterans in their 80's recall WWII by storming the Beach at Malibu Nudist Camp.
Now Looka Here, Ya Little Freaks
Goofy-acting Cub Scout leader points out which mushrooms can be eaten, dried and smoked.
Tune In Tomorrow
Woman from Tiger Woods' home who was rushed to the hospital early this morning on "advanced life support" has been released, a hospital spokesman said. Tune in tomorrow for "The Days Of Our Balls".
It's In The Air
Judge at Miss America semi-finals in Ne York says that they were all blown away by young fan dancer.
Proud future mother-in-law say that her daughter's boyfriend, who's an astronomer, has promised her the moon & the stars.
Pittsburgh man who was robbed of his Holiday spending money after being shot by a stun gun says he's still not quite over the shock!
No Cold Turkey
New Alcoholic Recovery Group gets through yet another day, one drink at a time.
Family Ties Actor Arrested
'Family Ties' actor arrested after Colorado assault where he first tied up the family.
Letterman's Tiger Jokes
Letterman jokes about Tiger on the'Late Show'. "It seems that Tiger has had more women than...well, me."
More Hot Toy Info
Group corrects statement about safety of hot toys. "Tell the kids that THEY aren't responsible for them being stolen."
"I'm Fat Over Lost DNA"
Study: Missing DNA can promote childhood obesity, so searching the premises thoroughly recommended by experts.
Woods May Eclipse Jackson
Tiger Woods stories will pass those of Michael Jackson stories on TheSpoof by January at present rate.
New GPS System?
NASA, Jor-El to launch sky-mapping spacecraft, just in case your kids wind up in space.
Credit Card Payments Delayed
More on-time credit card payments expected in 2010, or by 2020 at the latest.
Reid's Comment Ignorant
Steele calls Senator Reid's slavery remark 'ignorant', 'typical for him'.
Woods Hit With Irons?
Fire dept: Medics went to Tiger Woods' complex. Five iron taken in evidence.
Iran Threatens Tougher Action
Iran threatens tougher action against protesters. May go to also executing family of protester.
"Kind Of Cartoonish"
The decade according to 9-year-olds: Come back and ask us a year from now.
Afghan Leader Plans For Exit!
Afghan leader: Help needed to pay for larger army, me and my family before we make a run for it.
Obama To Hit The Highway?
Obama looks at highways, small business in jobs plan. "It's our business to have him hit the highway out of Washington as soon as possible", say opponents.
Police Release Sketch
Police release sketch in college professor killing. Pretty gruesome say those who have seen it.
Live For Free
Homebuyer tax credit extension a holiday bonus. No payments until after 2012 election.
Political Baloney Continues
Montana Sen. Max Baucus' live-in girlfriend had eyed the state's U.S. attorney post for years before he nominated her for the job. Sister and brothers up for other positions as "Change" continues.
Another Movie Coming?
Doctor who attended JFK in Dallas has died. All his records have disappeared.
Expains War Exit Plan
Congress wants general to explain war exit plan. Hears, "We're already putting up 'EXIT' signs all over the country."
Mass. Taking Steps
Massachusetts voters taking first step to fill Kennedy britches.
Lady Gaga pregnant
Lady Gaga has stunned the pop world by announcing she is pregnant. She says the baby will be called Baby GooGoo. One insider said: "I thought she was a man."
Snowstorm Gains Strength
Fierce snowstorm gains strength after hitting West, building up it's courage, momentum.
You Have The Right To Dance!
Famous Miranda rights warning could get rewrite to include the Macarena rights warning.
Afraid It's True
Historic EPA finding: Greenhouse gases, bullets and bombs, harm humans.
Awwwww! Who's Nice?
Santa Claus proclaims this "the warmest decade on record", with lots of hugs and plenty of love for everyone.
Rats Take Over School Kitchen in Wales
Rats have taken over a school kitchen in Wales this week. They called in celebrity chef, Gino D'Acampo, to cook them for school meals. But since his return from Australia, he has declined the offer.
Shopper Undercharged for Blankets 38 Years Ago!
A lady who became a Christian in 1988 realised that she had been undercharged for some blankets back in 1971. When she tried to repay what she owed, she found that the Company had ceased trading 1972.
Oprah Reaches Out For Tiger....
According to the Marquee blog, Oprah is reaching out to Tiger. Question is, will there be anything good and hard to grab onto.
Nope. No Way Oprah. Not young Not blond Not free wheeling party gal
California Govenor Says "Law of Diminishing Returns Does Not Exist"
An estimated 315,000 Californians left the state to avoid huge state tax increases.
California Tax Board now estimates next year's tax revenue shortfall will exceed all previous years.
Singing the Tale of Tiger....
10, 20, 30, 40 babes or more
They make me so crazy I can't even yell fore! Wifey took my cell phone and kicked me out the door
My best buddy Jesper don't like me no more
Tiger's Wife Packs Up Family and Moves to North Pole
Reports are in confirming Tiger Wood's wife Elin had packed up the kids + $ 50 Mil and headed to the North Pole after Tiger made a move on blond haired marriage counselor.
"Tiger for Tail II"
Estate Tax Spin
"This week, the House passed legislation that permanently fixes the estate tax, which will give small businesses, farmers, and families the certainty they need to plan for future years."
It Moved, Tax It
Hide the family jewels, the wife and any mistresses you have. Congress is going to tax anything that moves to pay for health care and climate change legislation, whether you need them or not.
Climate Change that can be Seen
Copenhagen Denmark lifted 10 feet off the ground today! No surprise, all that environmentalist hot air ballooned the city upwards, making it flood resistant.
Americans sometimes elect incompetents to Congress. Elections every few years get rid of them! Unelected incompetents at the EPA are now designating greenhouse gases as harmful. Got any suggestions?
Tax the People
Republican conservatives suggested to Democratic liberals, that fixing the economy should come before health care reform. Democratic liberals agreed, as then people will have more money for taxes.
The Mayor of Baltimore MD was convicted of embezzlement. Prior to sentencing the mayor has hired more lawyers to find technicalities, to throw out the conviction. Tells you something, doesn't it!
EPA to Ban Seltzer
The EPA may regulate greenhouse gases, such as Carbon Dioxide. 300 million Americans sent former Vice President Al Gore a bottle of seltzer, in tribute to his becoming a 21st century Carbon Baron.
PETA Protests Movie
PETA protests movie's "No animals were injured during the making of this movie" pointing out three different scenes at a KFC restaurant.
Need A Long Fuse!
In order to emphasize the world's current condition, British Olympic runners may use lit stick of dynamite to light torch!
Cloning The Answer
Human cloning could be the world's solution to underpopulation say experts. Chinese down to only one child per family.
Should Have Left Then
Tennessee women who were attacked say they earlier saw two shady characters under a tree while they were mowing the lawn.
Desparate Notre Dame Hires Ryan Leaf as New Coach
Supplies director for football operations orders 10,000 new embroidered towels for alumni crying.
Tiger Woods Establishes Speaking Terms With Wife
The terms are that when Elin is in the house, Tiger is not allowed to speak.
Oprah Reaches Out To Tiger
Oprah reaching out to Tiger Woods but no response yet except request for her to wear a blond wig,
Reid Off Deep End
Republicans on Monday were quick to pounce on Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, for comparing the battle over health care to the battle over the legacy of slavery, World Wars I & II.
We Say, You Do!
The British newspaper The Telegraph reports that more than 1,200 limousines have been booked by VIPs. Also, an extra 140 private jets are expected during the peak period of the bad climate summit.
Couldn't See It
Pilots who missed airport blame airport control, Romulans using cloaking device.
One-Legged Man Caught
Police catch one-legged Texas inmate who left wheelchair, escaped on foot.
It's 1860 Again
Senate Dems seek expansion of Medicare, Medicaid, Government welfare, Food stamp expansion and more immigrants health coverage. Republicans seek weapons.
Mullens The Brain
Mullen expects casualties to rise in Afghanistan with 30,000 new troops coming in. Also, winter will expected to be cold.
Sex Toys At B&N
New sex toy in Barnes & Noble roped off sections popular when not a lot of other people around who see them in there.
Have A Blast?
Man who owns gun shop says he's quit telling people to have a happy day after the looks he's received lately.
Barney Tries To Unite!
Democrat congressman Barney Frank reaches across the aisle to Republicans and pinches young freshman congressman's ass.
Wow! What A Grouch!
Bruce Banner overreacts to guy in kiosk trying to sell him mineral products that come directly from the Dead Sea.
No More Snickers
Man who smuggled in his own Snickers bar caught and fined $10 by theater which offered him a free Snickers bar.
All That Oil!
The wrld laments the loss of millions of barrels of oil as Iran accidentally nukes itself. Also, Iranian people.
Nader Recommends Thrift!
Ralph Nader warns against overspending on personal level in latest book. "Remember, when it comes to gifts, a good pair of dress socks are always in fashion."
Silly Questions ?
Guy at Obama press conference still annoying President by asking silly questions about how many times we have just missed being totally wiped out by terrorists.
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