Spoof news snippets from Monday 7 December 2009
Tiger Woods Announces He Has Been Hired as Golf Coach
Tiger Woods announced that he has been hired as Golf coach at Muffs University, a woman's college. Campus bookstore director stated that blond wig sales instantly skyrocketed.
Oprah Miffed Again
Oprah pissed again as book she recommended, "Horton Hears A Who" apparently not true.
I'll Miss Him
Family pet finally gets taken off life support after being ran over by lawn mower three years ago.
Reading Better Than TV
Librarian in Texas says that at least the movies about Harry Potter and Twilight have gotten the kids interested in reading film magazines.
Clinton Receivs Mail
Friends of former President Bill Clinton say that periodically he receives a musical card in the mail with a phot of Monica Lewinsky & "Devil With The Blue Dress On"
In Loch Ness, local villagers carrying torches once again go home disappointed after the monster fails to show herself once again!
One 0n One
After hearing about the Red Cross wasting all that blood after 911, Arkansas man says from now on he's going to the hospital to contribute his personally.
Looks Just Like Her!
Thousands flock to see the image of Mother Teresa on man's arm!
You'll Get Inheritance Soon Enough
Parents shush kids on trip over the river & through the woods to grandmother's house to quit that, "Is she daed yet? Is she dead yet?"
Too much "Hot Air" in Denmark causes even quicker North Pole meltdown!
"Hot Air" caused by delegates in Denmark BLA-BLA-ING is rapidly drifting towards the North Pole causing a sudden meltdown, angry Polar Bears on icebergs have been sighted drifting towards Denmark!
Told Not To Watch News
Mere threat of "dirty Bomb" talk on news sets counselors for OCD patients back two full years.
Sawyer Retires From GMA!
Diane Sawyer says this is her last week on 'GMA'. Obama may cancel speech because of three day celebration!
"Like They Do In Houston"
The Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot Minneapolis have blamed air traffic controllers for not waking them up.
Taking the Mickey!
Disney World in Florida as chosen the Wiltshire town of Swindon as its twin. Perhaps it's because it has so many roundabouts? The Mayor of Swindon thinks they are just taking the Mickey.
Chinese build 12 million cars but have no roads!
World industrial wonder, China, has beaten all car producing records, they only have one problem, there are no decent roads in China. Japan have offered to help by building a colossal scrap yard!
Hi Ho! Hi Ho!
Seven dwarfs seen following Tiger Woods around looking for an old friend.
New Obama Birth Evidence
New evidence put forth that President Obama was actually born in a manger in Bethlehem.
Know Which Is The Enemy
President Obama: We must distinguish between the good and the bad Taliban. The good Taliban only chop off fingers and beat women.
Reached Across The Aisle
New Nixon White House tapes released today show that Nixon often crapped on photographs of Kennedy, Eisenhower.
Unemployment nearly 90% says really upset recently laid off statisticians. Police keeping him under surveillance.
Another Bad Sign
Economy signs still down. The latest: Smallest bribes since 1950's say congressmen.
Somali Threat Hits Home
Disguised Somali pirates seize good part of Disney World. Hold Goofy, Minnie as hostages.
Germans are certainly cannibals, science has proved it!
After finding remains of chewed bones from the Neolithic era science has proven that Germans are cannibals. In fact Hitler was born quite near and now the world knows WHY!!
"Let Him Through!"
Saudi Arabia oil money believed to be behind latest wave of suicide car bombings being Jaguars.
"Hot To Trot"
Mad teen tells friends that his date Saturday night was definitely "Hot to trot", but only after their dinner at Taco Bell.
Springsteen To Hold Benefit?
Bruce Springsteen offers to head up a new three-day benefit to raise money for Obama's health care package. "We'll hold it right here in....where are we?"
Gore Is Cloned
Al Gore has himself cloned so that there is two of him to command on his ark in the Great Smokey Mountains.
Tiger's Trophy Girls Album Discovered!
1,199 photos of bar hopping blond babes that all look alike.
Santa Raises Up To $5,000!
Salvation Army says that that was not one of their Sants bell-ringers in front of office selling tickets to Taylor Swift concert.
Judge in Alabama throws out Governor's arrest for "being legally drunk". "If it's legal, how can you charge him with anything?"
Electricity Bills Up
Electricity bills to rise by £4.30 a year to fund network upgrade, employee pay upgrade.
Climategate Being Shushed
'Climategate' dominates Copenhagen talks as UN global warming chief accuses hackers of sabotage, revealing the truth.
Vet Is Cured
Austin, Texas veteran of WWII finally over shell-shock. "I'm 83 now and I only have something called 'Post Dramatic Some-Kinda Shit'."
Really Earned Them
Medals are pukka but I'm sworn to silence on how I won them, says the parade 'fraud'. "Ask the wife!"
Obama About Tiger
President Obama finally mentions the Tiger Woods affair. "Our nation's age of innocence is over."
Things Happened Back Then Too
Old man on park bench in Washington Square overheard stating that his third grade teacher gave good googly moogly!
Judge Gives Harsh Sentence
Judge's fury at drunken teenager who 'urinated on war memorial', drunken vet in alley.
"And They Were Both Walking"
After fury over huge payouts, Alistair Darling to target City fat cats who are allowing rat politicians run free.
But Less Painful
American state changes the way it executes prisoners... so that they die more slowly. Executions consist of 365 last meals from fast food restaurants causing heart to explode!
"Get Outa The Road, Idiots"
Round-the-clock drinking and cut-price alcohol are to blame for an 'appalling' rise in dancers, experts warned today.
Have An Anthrax Holiday!
Panic across the US as millions receive soap powder samples in mail after advertiser forgot to attach labels.
Spanish restaurant sued by Taco Bell after calling itself, "Taco Belle's Place".
Middle Class Missing
Middle classes and the rich face biggest fall in living standards for decades. Many are asking, "WHAT Middle Class?"
Higher Taxes Creating Problems
Return of Gordon Brown's stealth tax as 'thousands more face 40% increase, million quitting jobs to go on welfare.'
How Can We Help?
Families who can't get by on £100,000 a year! "What's going to happen to the, worries those in third world?
Take Care Of Your Own!
Counselors say: Forget Tiger Woods! Is your own marriage solid? Wonder how many women will come forward today?
Furyk Over Tiger Event!
Furyk rallies to win Tiger's event! "On the golf course", Furyk reminds wife and family.
Did You Miss It?
'Blind Side' eclipses 'New Moon' with $20 Million weekend. Astronomers say event will not occur again until 5057.
It's Not Me, It's My DNA
Some children get severely obese because they lack particular chunks of DNA, which kicks their hunger into overdrive, researchers report as fatso's give another lame excuse.
Virgin Galactic Unveiled
Virgin Galactic to unveil commercial spaceship, plans for the new 1,000 Mile High Club!
US says bin Laden sometimes slips into Afghanistan after disguising himself as Yusuf Islam and humming "Peace Train".
Administration to slash bailout cost estimate, but not actual bailout funding.
Anthem dispute may affect care. Those confined to their bed told they do not need to stand when National song played.
Chances: Ten Million To One
Four New Species of King Crabs Discovered! All four found in one service station bathroom.
Mandela Never Owned One
S.African actors 'want Hudson out of Mandela film'. "Old car has no place in this movie."
LAPD: Lap Dancing?
LAPD to better enforcement of new LARD measures in California!
Reneck Rap Takes The Rap
Kansas lawmaker: Sorry if 'RedNeck Rap' offensive, especially to kind and gentle black rappers.
Wolf Release Controversy
Wolf recovery at crossroads in the Southwest as Howling Wolf to do "Crossroads" at benefit singing.
How's Is She Performing Son?
Study: Parents' Sex Talks With Kids Happening Too Late! Talks needed BEFORE marriage.
Group contends popular Zhu Zhu Pets toys unsafe. Do not recommend giving one to your pet.
Still Holding Grudge
Pearl Harbor survivor back for 1st time since war, flattens Japanese tourist.
Hippocrites Meeting Begins
COPENHAGEN CLIMATE SUMMIT: 1,200 LIMOS, 140 PRIVATE PLANES...
Spews More CO2 than 60 Countries do in Entire Year COMBINED! "All to help people quit damaging the earth."
Kate Moss - Didn't Make the 'BIG K'
Kate Bush, Katie Price, Kate Winslet, Kate Austen (LOST), Kate Hudson, and Kate Beckinsale launch Kappa Film Fraternity.
A Dyslexic Opera Critic Found at Supermarket
A 22 year-old dyslexic opera critic was found in Tesco's supermarket in Shrewsbury today. He was hoping to find a production of Puccini's 'Tosca'. A spokesman for Tesco's said; "every little helps!"
Doctors On Strike!
Doctors at the local hospital go on strike. Hospital officials say as soon as they can get a chemist over there to read the picket signs, they will respond to the doctors' demands.
Tiger Woods Establishes Stable for Blond Party Girls
Construction of the 500 room facility will begin immediately.
2010 Election Prospects Slim for Democrats
As both parties represent the same banks and insurance companies.
Bankrupt Country For Sale - Bring All Offers
Country is USA. Contact International Bankruptcy Trustee for Details.
Swedish Study Concludes on What to Do with Old Nukes
Drop them on Wall Street.
Great Balls Of Fire!
Old-timer overheard on park bench in Florida telling his friend that his third grade teacher used to give great googly moogly!
Must You Ask Again?
The leaders of Iran once more have reassured the UN that they only intend to use their nuclear arsenal to heat homes, malls and factories.
Americans Right On Top Of Things
In a new Gallup Poll, 60% of Americans say why should they care what the president and congress do with their money? "Just leave our money alone."
Vandals Strike Mt. Rushmore
Police in South Dakota say that during the night, some vandals have hung a big artificial booger from Theodore Roosevelt's nose.
Bumps Grinch This Time
Rumor: President Obama's speech Tuesday night entitled "Make A Job Of Looking For A Job" could be nominated for next year's Nobel Prize For Economics!
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