Spoof news snippets from Sunday 6 December 2009
No Penis On Venus
Although Japanese first lady says she was taken to Venus in a spaceship earlier this year, she has now changed her mind. "It was Mars and I wanted to stay..what a bunch of hunks!"
Why Not In Stores?
In California, is the complete banning of cigarette machines next? Black marketeers say they certainly hope so.
"Is That You, Granny?"
97-year-old Great Grandmother, in the hospital for hip replacement sues for mix-up after coming home lame and looking like Joan Rivers.
Nature Out Of Whack!
Early birds are beginning to complain that night owls are Bogartin' all the worms.
Why Not Truth Serum?
When asked why inmates at Guantanamo weren't given truth serum, former VP Cheney says they did, right after water boarding. "Didn't care much for it."
"I Got A Cave Rock"
Ben Laden announces that he had few trick or treaters this year. Blame all the tricks he had men hand out last year.
Earthchild Wins The Alcapulco Gold
Rainbow Earthchild wins the gold in hacky sack competition at the first ever Hippy Olympics. Not much cheering.
Many Still Out There
Planned Obsessive Compulsive Disorder meeting in Nashville ends up in cities all over the U.S., total chaos.
O'Bama Preses Senate Democrats for Votes on Health Bill
Insurance company representatives announce policy cancellations for any Senator who votes for Health Bill.
But Crowd Pleased
Civil War Museum in Virginia accidentally burned to the ground during Civil War Reenactment.
TV Viewers Down
Texas Hold 'EM Championships show on cable say their audience is down. May have to reshuffle employees.
Hope Nobody Drops One
Iranian scientists gone completely mad, building atomic bombs on an assembly line!
NKorea More Open
North Korean chemical lab evacuated after someone phones in an anthrax threat.
President O'Bama sets timetable for Aghanistan Withdrawal
O'Bama appointees Clinton & Gates immediately disagreed stating they are "engaged in war for the long term."
Change We Can Believe In
*100,000 troops in Afghanistan instead of 15,000
*8 more years instead of 18 months
*2 Trillion in borrowed money to pay for war instead of
"Available With Several Heads!"
Effigy manufacturing plants hiring dozens as world hot spots increase!
Still Getting Fatter
California to ban non-diary creamer for coffee in latest health ploy.
Cherie Blair (wife of the man who's banked £12m since leaving No.10): "I'll never stop worrying about money. Oh, and the children of course."
Worse Than It Sounds
Teenage thief who stole £1m in 665 raids is arrested again - just weeks after a judge spared him jail. Sentenced to help priests sort prayer books.
Rob The Rich, Pay The Politicians
Alistair Darling: Labour will 'rob the rich' to pay for Britain's recovery. "But he'll somehow miss the politicians."
Sometimes We Are Amused
Can we see your documents please, Your Majesty... Queen faces anti-terror checks every time she leaves UK. "And it's always us", states Her Majesty.
The Big Prick!
Wife gets HIV after husband pricks her with sewing needle while she slept. "He's mad because of 'needle-dick' comment!"
Osbourne Becomes Muslim
George Osborne's brother becomes a Muslim to marry his love of 14 years. He was formerly a Footballite!
Global Warming Yada Yada
A climate of doubt: Almost half of Britons believes global warming is NOT caused by man except by hot air politicians!
Florida Out To Sea
Alabama's Crimson Tide rolls on with 32-13 win over Tebow's Gaiters.
Lambert On "The View"
Adam Lambert to appear, sing on ABC's 'The View' while dancing in Whoopi Goldberg's lap.
Swine Flu Less Scattered
CDC: Swine flu is widespread only in 25 states. Other states, it's mostly confined to cities of 500,000 or more.
Gadgets Helping Workouts
Gift Guide: Tech gadgets can boost your workouts, like the Texas Chainsaw Robot behind you on treadmill.
Like The Whirling Dervish!
Gift Guide: High-tech happiness for $100 or less as sex toys lead list of personal gifts this year.
Chicken Of The Lakes
Chicken of the sea? Tuna farming getting a boost. New commercials feature Charlie in overalls.
One Track Mind
Obama heads to Hill to push on health bill, after spending 48 hours on Afghanistan, economy.
Look A Little Fuzzy
Obama security adviser: Picture not good on Iran. Blames lens of satellites.
Gates: 2-4 years of big Afghan role for US troops, then we're out of here like water off a duck's back.
Bills Not Passing
Must-pass bills pile up as days wind down. "We have the piles but we can't pass anything", notes one congressman.
Speedy Morales Favored
Morales, "Speedy" to his friends, is highly favored for re-election in Bolivia
Gay Bishop's Decision
2nd gay bishop for Episcopal Church, Anglicans announces that he may run for First Gay!
Military Satellite Launched
A rocket carrying an Air Force satellite that will be used by the military for peaceful purposes has launched from Cape Canaveral.
Robot's Future Discussed
Scientists, lawyers mull effects of home robots and if robots can be tried for such things as "crimes against nature".
Afghan Situation Changing
Gates: Afghan relationship will begin to change, especially with 30,000 more troops blasting away!
We're Where? Fake It!
US envoy stops in South Korea en route to North Korea. Blames GPS system.
Gay Are Happy!
Gay House members say gay-friendly bills are near as not-gay members sulk.
Still Out There, Eluding
North Carolina man wanted for eluding the police, eludes police!
Palin Jokes At Journalist's Dinner
Palin pokes fun at herself and others at journalists' dinner. "I can now see Obama's ego from my home in Alaska!"
Romanian Election Runoff!
Romanians vote for president in close runoff. Traian Basescu expected to be elected, King Of The Gypsies!
Clashes In Greece
Clashes break out on Greek riot anniversary. Rioters say they look forward to annual event to vent frustrations all year.
Tobacco Age Law Obeyed
Survey: Majority of retailers comply with tobacco age law. Tell kids to wait until an adult comes by.
Schools Cut Budgets
Schools plan for cuts to funding. No more band trips to New Orleans, Paris!
Joel's Daughter Hospitalized
AP source: Billy Joel's daughter took pills in NYC. Thus far, Tiger Woods not implicated.
Also Protest KFR Franchises
Rat cooking lands TV show in hot water as PETA protests eating any rats. French chefs protest PETA as it could lead to snails being banned also.
Calif. Group, Of Course
Group contends popular Zhu Zhu Pets toys unsafe as kids could accidentally hurt themselves by carrying toy across the floor.
Tiger's Troubles Widen
Tiger's troubles widen his distance from blacks. wife, family, friends and golf course.
Manufacturing Jobs Up
Manufacturing areas lead surprise job comeback. Meth up 25%, bootlegging 20%.
Wild Birthday Present
Three hurt in birthday shooting at Baltimore hotel after skunk comes out of birthday cake.
Gate-Crasher's Woes Continue
The Virginia couple at the center of last week's White House security breach is now accused of bouncing a nearly $24,000 check for liquor purchased in Maryland, $100,000 check for Obama re-election.
Receives 100,000 Protest Letters From Kids
In Tuesday speech, Obama to promote new job ideas. Bring back the WPA, other make-work government programs. Leave Charlie Brown alone on Monday night.
Lies Must Go Forward
UN climate chief: hacked e-mails are damaging to our efforts to exaggerate the world's condition & must be stopped.
Queen Elisabeth warns paparazzi, "keep away from my ugly family!"
QE2 has warned the paparazzi, "keep your cameras off of my very ugly family, we will not compensate if your cameras break!"
The Beck's and Ramsey's will spend Christmas together, leftovers are for the homeless!
Multi-millionaire families, Beck's and Ramsey's will eat together on Christmas day, leftovers will be thrown at the homeless in aid of their charity: Feed the Scum!
Tiger Woods & John Daly - Two Golfers a World Apart
One loses all for personal sins and the other is a folk hero for doing the same X 10 for a lifetime. Go figure.
Tiger Woods Scores New Contract with Trojan
His new contract pays big $ for every babe he bops using a Trojan condom + the contract specifies he is to be provided a life time supply of condoms up front. They were delivered via dump truck.
Senator Max Baucus Nominates Girlfriend for US Attorney
Shouldn't be a problem. Over 4,000 currently on the Federal payroll got their jobs by appointment from family members already on the Federal dole.
C A N T H E Y S P E L L N E P O T I S M ?
Tareq & Michaele Salahi Shoud Be Prosecuted
The Secret Service Agents on duty at the White House Party should be dropped into Afghanistan wearing pink boxers and white tennis shoes and provided squirt guns with perfume for ammo.
Senator Richard Lugar's "Audacious Suggestion"
As we are in a depression, we need to focus on the essentials:
War and Money for War. Therefor, Health Care for the people that pay for war should wait!
President O'Bama considers Bernanke Re-appointment
The Fed considers having O'Bama assassinated.
Geitner: U.S. Can Manage Its Debt to Foreign Nations
So did France and Russia when they owed a ton. Get out the butcher knife!
U.S. Unemployment Rate Drops!
Because 6,000,000 who got laid of over the last 2 years never became re-employed, so they don't count!
America Battles Obesity
McDonalds Restaurants plans on opening and additional 1000 locations in the U.S. in 2010. That should do it!
Basis For Barack O'Bama's Nobel Peace Prize
30,000 troop increase to Afghanistan, Expanded use of random executions via unmanned drones in Pakistan; Operation Cobra's Anger; Refusal to join world wide ban on land mine manufacturing and usage.
Location of "Hotel California" Found
On Charles Street in Cardiff.
Famous Priest Riddle
I look like an orang outang from the front and a chimpanzee from behind. Who is my earthly self?
Postal Workers To Decide Which Items May Be Delivered
Forget strikes. From now on, temporary postal staff will inspect your mail, remove cash, credit cards and cheques and shred your post to prevent identity theft. So that's all right then.
Tiger's New Company
Tiger Woods to become spokesman for "Pork, The Other White Meat".
Mangelson - Top or Bottom?
The world needs to know - is Lord Peter Mangelson (Business Secretary and Minister With A Finger In Every Pie) giving it or taking it? Is the nickname "Mangy" a clue?
Among the plans to cut costs at the post office this year is demoting the Postmaster General to Captain.
Hard Candy Christmas
The Dalai Lama tells Tibet people that it's going to be a Hard Candy Christmas this year.
Tony Blair May Be War Criminal
Well, fuck me! I never thought of that.
Bubbles the Chimp down. Chimp found dead after apparently drinking a case of Bubble Up.
Knocked Everything Over
The National Sun has revealed that the guy who plays Ronald McDonald was once a doctor but left the professor because of his having bigger feet than Shaquille O'Neal.
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