Spoof news snippets from Thursday 31 December 2009
Santa Claus complains: 'I have only three hos. Ho, ho, and ho.'
'But Tiger Woods has 14 hos you know about, and he has 134 others you never heard of.'
Previous Owner: Let 'Em Burn!
Park rangers in California say that a new fire there could destroy hundreds of abandoned million dollar homes.
Village Idiot Hope To March Back Home
Village Idiots march on London to protest something they forgot on the way, show up in Manchester.
Keeping Us Posted
President Obama on his news report speech tonight stated that he farted three times in a row last night in bed.
Rush: No More Hunting Trips.
Doctors now say that Rush Limbaugh may have had a heart attack. "After all, he had just been shot in the face by Dick Cheney."
Biden Wants New Caddy
Joe Biden says he's getting rid of his golf caddy. "Unlike me he's bald, and he keeps picking up divots and placing them on his head and saying, "Space, the final frontier."
Hopeful partyer worries about Green Kool-Aid
'I heard about the Jim Jones cult', he says. 'Talk about dead drunks. Should I?'
Desperate plea for advice: 'Should I snog my boss at the party?'
'If you want a raise, make sure the snog is on camera', says Orpha Finwrey.
Expert: 'Don't let Tiger near the punch bowl.'
Tiger Woods is known for indiscriminate relocations of bodily fluids.
Reeling and puking set to dominate New Year's celebrations
Police and despondent crowds plan on 'mass public comas' to usher in pointless New Year.
Economy Claims Another One
Big Al Kayta's Fireworks & Legal Explosives goes out of business.
New Years Special
Adam Lambert and Lady Gaga said to be looking for something really wild to wear New Year's night.
Playboy Sales Off
This month in Playboy: "Women who Were Once Men!" not selling well.
Wile E. Coyote Sick
Wile E. Coyote comes down with a severe case of chicken flu from overheating himself during chase scene.
In an official statement today, the heads of Blackwater apologize for past, future mistakes.
Obama Rerun Tonight
Prime Time Obama speech rerun on television tonight just in case you missed it last week.
AT&T Drops Tiger Woods as Sponsor
A definite sign things are improving for the Golf Great!
Traverlers: Will they Trade Shyness for Security?
Will TSA Security Personnel and Baggage Handlers stop stealing from passengers?
No Heart Attack
Latest: Rush Limbaugh did not have a heart attack. Physicians say they could find no heart at all.
Not Reading His E-Mails
New commission formed to try to find out "Why Johnny's penis is so short?"
Tough Old Buggers
Chinese snakehead fish fight fishermen until he reels him in and then fight him again in the boat.
Russia To Launch Missile?
Russia may send spacecraft to hit asteroid with slim chance of hitting Earth. Obama: "You weren't supposed to tell that to the public at large."
Gore: Keep A Lookout
Al Gore says that you should turn in your neighbor for wasting our natural resources, polluting our waterways according to all the usual police state standards.
Underwear On Fire Punishment Enough?
President Obama says terrorist who tried to blow up plane Christmas day will be sent to Saudi Arabia to be 'taught a lesson'.
Won't Pay Off All Debts
Apparently bankrupt Chicago Cubs will auction off their players on eBay!
Nation Too Sports Minded?
New York Times study shows that 75% of Monday morning quarterbacks are on steroids.
Why We're Fat?
New poll reveals that most Americans are fed up with both democrats, republicans, television shows, neighbors, polls.
Quite A Show
Rumor: Live coverage of first trials of Guantanamo prison detainees in the US already sold to The History Channel, Comedy Central.
No Virgins For You!
Heavy rains credited with causing suicide bomber vehicle crash, explosion.
Obama's friends say that Cheney never reported staying anywhere near Washington DC, while criticizing President. Believe he still has a secret bunker.
Too Far Away From Counter
McDonalds employees beginning to get carpal tunnel problems after having to toss products to obese customers.
Dallas/Washington Game Interesting
Tony Romo throws football through Redskin defender. Prompts more calls for drug testing.
Cooking The Books
Local bookkeeper arrested after police officers, looking for a runaway, catch him with company's records boiling in a big pot.
Soused Pilots Arrested
Two more commercial pilots busted for drinking in New York. "Try to excuse behavior by showing officers that they weren't flying for the next 3 days", says arresting cop.
Military soldiers are jealous
Foreign military soldiers are jealous of Saudi Arabians because Saudi's are allowed to be married to 4 beautiful, young women while foreign soldiers have to fudge pack their asses in male barracks.
Nine out of ten pints are sold short, trading standards officers discover. Bartenders say that tenth of pint is in the head.
Mother Popping Them Out
Christmas must go on! Wonder mother pops out kid and then pops turkey out of oven two hours later.
Meet the ultimate green family who recycle so much they only filled one rubbish bin in 2009. "With the right tenderizer & marinade, even old leather shoes can be eaten."
Don't Get Sick Tonight
Tories to hit drinkers with £500 fine if they end up in hospital. Non-drinkers, only £200.
Prices Up On Non-Selling Houses
House prices rose by 5.9% in 2009 as property market fights back from credit crunch gloom. May rise another 6% this year. However, still no sales.
Manufacturers Moving back
1 in 7 British manufacturers move production back to the UK amid concerns over poor child labor quality and high transportation costs
Bin Men Attacks
Fury over rubbish collections sees three assaults a week on binmen, new figures show. Bullet proof vests, bulldog proof pants issued.
It's back home to Mother: Year of recession forces half a million adults aged 35 to 44 to return to live with parents. That's 5% more than any previous year.
Lawyers: Sheens want to reconcile despite arrest after Charlie promises not to overdo beating next time.
Freddie's Fanny Too Big
Fannie, Freddie proving too big to shrink as Preparation F (for funding) didn't work so well in 2009.
North Korea bans foreign currencies in market clampdown as several nations ban North Korean currency.
New Scanners Thorough
Airline attack could lead to more new scanners at airports. "Bend over and spread your cheeks, please."
Macho Men Coming Out Of Cakes!
NH gay couples to start New Year with wedding vows, bachelor parties, shivarees.
AP-GfK Poll: Americans seek more silver linings, silk purses in 2010.
Kettle fundraising goals surpassed for The Salvation Army. "We'll be able to afford twice as many kettles next year", says officer.
The phrase "shovel ready," incessantly invoked by the Obama administration this year as a way to sell its $787 billion federal stimulus bill, died Thursday & replaced by "Shovel the shit!"
Appliance Rebates Coming
Smart Spending: Federal appliance rebates launch. Consumers could get up to $20 rebate on their Curvy Kitten Vibrators, Magic Fingers.
Limbaugh Having Chest Pains
Millions of Ditto Heads concerned as Limbaugh Rushed to the hospital with chest pains.
Night To Howl!
Rare New Year's Eve 'blue moon' to ring in 2010 with many werewolves doing Howling Wolf's old blues favorites at bars, night clubs celebrations.
Famous Tavern Closes
NYC's Tavern on the Green restaurant bites the dust. Families must now take picnic into Central Park after clearing of snow.
Don't Muff It!
Russia may send spacecraft to knock away asteroid, or it could change course toward the earth.
The Games Afoot
President Obama to receive preliminary report on airline attack. See burnt underwear up close. Wear deerstalker, use magnifying glass.
Al-Qaida Takes Credit
Al-Qaida takes credit of El Nina effects of 2009, say they will launch another in 2010.
4 out of 10 people who see hacked Hi-way signs warning about Zombies attacking, believe them. The other six are zombies already!
Poll: Surely Next Year Will be Better
Indeed. We could get a great start by having O'Bama quit and take all of his appointees with him.
Rush Limbaugh Hospitalized!
Get well gifts so far range from "Die Baby, Die" cards to tea bags laced with arsenic.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian did call and ask if he needed a visit however.
Chertoff Says Underwear Bomber Created "Complex Device Subject to Failure"
Hmmm, seems more like a super simple device prepared by an incompetent Rufus with little or no training. Had a fart been required for detonation, that would have been a complex device.
New $ 3.8 Billion Dollar Bailout for GMAC!
'Tis the Season to be Jolly, Fa la la la laaa la la la laaa.
They're The Enemy! Its Al-Quaida, They are Trying to Get Us!!
I fully expect to see Yemeni missiles flying overhead to Washington D.C. any moment now. err.. US missiles flying over head to Yemen any time now?
Was that Dick Cheney holding the puppet strings?
Dick Cheney: "O'Bama Trying to Pretend"
Actually the rest of us are trying to forget -
forget that Dick Cheney was ever allowed to sink the US into multi-trillion dollars wars that can't be won and profit people like.........Dick Cheney
Pacqiao Sues Mayweather Over Insinuaitons
Manny firmly denies he is a rump ranger.
"Hmmm, I Heard It!"
President Obama says Christmas terrorist threat a complete surprise to him. However, his mother-in-law, Marion Robinson says she overheard two towelheads discussing it at White House party.
Barack Obama gets an 'F' for protecting Americans, but an 'A' for blaming his security people.
Not Even Friends
Hollywood's hottest couple say they are not really serious, just good at having sex.
Most recent find by archaeologists push the big bang theory back at least ten years.
Biden Happy Already
New Year Celebration early? Biden says the terrorist got on the plane because the long arm of the law was stopped by an invisible hand from somewhere. Told to go to bed by Obama.
When lesbians have sex they exchange sexual favors to get cheap orgasms but sometimes they engage in violent fights when one lesbian feels she gave more than what she got.
Tiger Woods: 'I should have used a full-body condom'
'A condom like that', he says, 'would have ensured that nobody saw me coming.'
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