Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 30 December 2009
Due to success of 2009's Star Trek, producers announce a sequel
While other original stars will have guest roles, they deny that "The Wrinkles of Khan" is the working title.
Fashion Police issue warnings to manufacturers
Even though old styles are returning, they refuse to allow leisure suits and wide ties.
Charlie Sheen to be celebrity host in Times Square when the ball drops
"I don't know whose they are...they're not mine, but they could be Tiger's."
Obama Says 2010 Stimulus Payments to Go to Bail Out Broke Federal Reserve
President orders broke Federal Reserve to pay itself $800 billion to speed it's economic recovery.
Rosie O'Donnell has a new gal pal
Shamu the killer whale refuses to comment on the relationship, saying only that everyone knows she likes bigger women.
Next year's name decided
The International Year Naming Committee has decided that next year, that is the year following 2009, will be called 2010. Other suggested names were 'Kylie', '1975', 'Chardonnay' and 'Sexual assault'.
Jackson Family to release eight new cd compilations of Michael's music
They'll all have the same crappy songs, but hope no one notices because they need the royalty money.
Obama removes Flying Buffalo from endangered species list
"I don't know if Dubya was that stupid, or if he thought that buffalos really had wings when he put them on the list."
Charlie Sheen And Spouse Want To Reconcile
"I told her that she could hold a knife to my throat to make us square, but she said that she just wanted to bury the hatchet."
College Football Bowl Games Getting Biggest Television Audiences Ever
Maybe the record unemployment numbers have something to do with it?
Britney Spears Attempts to Donate Hair to Cancer Patients
Spokesman for hospital says "we want head hair to make wigs, not the hair from when she gets her monthly Brazilian....but thanks anyway!"
Spoof Writers issue their New Years Resolutions and shock the WORLD!
Spoofers have issued their New Years Resolutions and although many are compulsive, alcholic, drug taking, piss artists, they've vowed in 2010 to "Try and do even better!!!"
"See, There He Is Now!"
Stupid Kentucky teenager tells visiting Feds that he mostly watches his daddy and his dis-til-lation hobby on that there television set.
CIA Rejects Suggestions that it Failed to Share Data on Underwear Bomber
Unfortunately the CIA only shared the information with Israeli Intelligence and forgot the U.S. Agencies.
Time for another promotion!
British DJ Fired for Pulling Plug on Queen's Boring Speech
The fired DJ replaced the Queen with a never ending track of "The Bitch is Back".
Hurry It Up!
North Koreans celebrating as Kim Jung Il, who loves cheese, wants to be on their first spaceship to the moon.
Iran Releases Updated Photos
Iran releases photographs showing that they are not building nuclear weapons, merely creating a monster. Photos are in black & white.
Will Sing From Stool
Aerosmith's Steven Tyler who was hospitalized after falling off stage, says his group could go back on tour, but would only do early bird special concerts.
Harding Bullies Her Way
President Obama names Tonya Harding the Ice Skating Czar. "I'm tired of wearing the shin guards", says the President.
Sort Of UFO-ish
The Clintons are being sued as Monica Lewinsky's first baby shaped like a cigar.
House Leader Check-Up
Physical exam says House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi fit as a whip, smart as a fiddle.
Going On Long Enough
Representatives from the Palestinians and Israelis in New York City to try to finally settle the UN Ambassadors parking ticket argument.
Kindergarten Art Mix-Up
Whitney Museum in NYC mistakenly puts up drawings by children as "The One Billion Dollar Abstract Month of January Show" following delivery mix-up.
Lots Of Viewers First 30 Minutes
Al Gore considering doing late night talk show on The Sleepy Hibernating Bear Channel.
Cloning Given Up
Japanese scientists give up trying to clone woolly mammoth for Park after none of them grow over one foot tall.
Christianity is lost in madness
Doctrine tells Christians to spread their genocide religion into every corner of the world but now 3.2 million other religions plan to adopt the same doctrine to kill off their enemies.
Tiger Woods is a victim
Tiger was a victim of horny, sexually depraved women who lured him into bed to satisfy their voracious sexual hungers.
Agent Asks Obama If He Has Clearance
Tip from FBI agent to Obama says that nobody knows who's telling what to whom or whom to be what, while speaking off the record, anonymously.
Smoking Habits Change
Most smokers in New York and California switching to opium as it's cheaper than tobacco.
Only In Hollywood
Hollywood stars are having themselves cloned, with a sex change thrown in, to finally have that perfect mate.
Makers of steroids demand that they have a place in the Baseball Hall of Fame at Cooperstown.
Volunteers For The Bloody Runs!
Volunteers wanted for free trip to Mexico, in return for blood tests and possible diarrhea. Previous volunteer warn of horrendous smell on the flight back home.
Attacking Childhood Obesity
Parents to be banned from parking near school gates to tackle childhood obesity. Must park ten blocks away, even if your residence is three blocks away.
Japanese scientists develop See-Through Goldfish. However, you must purchase the special x-ray glasses.
Police hunt for person who blew up speed camera with a BOMB, from Acme. Suspect #1 is a Mr. W. Coyote, who was chasing a fast bird.
'Unacceptable': Obama condemns 'systemic failure' of U.S. intelligence as Christmas Day bomber's links to MI5 suspect is revealed. Most who voted for him agree.
Brown Seeking Middle Class
Gordon Brown in new class war attack on 'privileged few' as he attempts to win back Middle Earth.....Britain!
"The Worms Go In..."
Billions face identity fraud threat after hackers crack secret mobile phone codes. Many knew something was wrong when all dial tones changed to "The Hearse Song".
In Transportation News
Motorists hit AGAIN as Government tax grab adds a record 15p a litre to the price of petrol. Meanwhile the sales of bicycles jump 10% also.
Canada Seriously Cracks Down
Canada bans most US-bound carry-on bags as 17 eunuchs arrive on first flight to Toronto.
Swine Flu Almost Forgotten
WHO chief: swine flu pandemic continues out there, just in case everyone has forgotten.
Whales Join Heaven's Gate Crew
125 pilot whales led by Chief Pilot Whale, Marshall Applewhite, die after beaching themselves on NZ beaches,
Obama At It Again
Obama moves to curb federal secrets and open CIA & FBI files to everyone. See who was given a new name and where they are living now, so you can settle those old scores...how we protect our airplanes.
New Stamps Issued
Mother Teresa, Gene Autry, Pee Wee Herman, Adolf Hitler on new "Variety Series" in upcoming US stamps
They Always Know First
Famous San Francisco sea lions leave in droves. "We'll probably understand why any day now", says mayor, who has packed up belongings.
System Failed Miserably
Analysis: Many question 'system worked' comment about airplane incident. The terrorist's 'system' failed for at least the second time, not because of our security but in spite of it.
Big Names Left Off Pro-Bowl Selections
None bigger than Jessica Simpson.
NYC's Tavern on the Green restaurant bites the dust according to proprietor, Napper Tandy.
Dutch to use full body scanners for US flights. French to have fliers run naked to plane and put on clothes once aboard.
'Best Job' winner stung by dangerous jellyfish as maybe it is not the 'Best Job' after all.
New Blue Moon Year
Rare New Year's Eve 'blue moon' to ring in 2010 as Smurf Balloon will have no pants during parade.
Credit Card Issuers Defend 79% Interest Rate Cards
Premier Bankcard CEO Miles Beacom stated "The U.S. consumer base both deserves and wants this type of product, as competition from loan sharks and the mob have subsided."
O'Bama Wants Answers after Botched Bombing Attack
Prez O'Bama wants to know why clear evidence was not passed from one Security Chief's Golf Bag to another Security Agency Head's Caddie. The failed pass off should have incurred a two stroke penalty.
Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq ban New year firework displays, much too Dangerous!
Several countries are banning all firework displays, their Governments feel it's dangerous and much too expensive anyway. Suicide bombers, Bin Laden, Taliban and US troops have promised to STEP IN!
Tossco Announce a new product
Giant Supermarket Tossco have announced a new "Frozen Toilet Roll"
This is aimed specifically for people who have been eating "Hot Vindaloo" Curry.
Danica Patrick's Nascar Unveiled; Racers Protest
The car will feature a full size nude pic of the petite racer. It will be on the hood so cars in front will get a "total" view when looking in the rear view mirror.
Nascar wives are protesting.
Next War Objectives Officially Set For U.S.
War objectives are now set to be Yemen and Pakistan. Another $ 10-20 Trillion dollars needed to fund wars through 2016. Congress to raise debt ceiling as foreign chumps are recruited to buy US debt.
Report: Iran Seeking to Smuggle in Raw Uranium
Using Israeli methods already proven to succeed.
Putin: Russia Plans Offensive Weapons
Well, after Napolean, who wouldn't!
White Squirrels Reveal Ancient Secret
They use sunscreen.
Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston in heated custody battle
Forget the baby, he wants to be the heir to Sarah Palin's money.
Dallas Cowboys have potential for division championship, first round bye, and winning December record
No need to worry as they will blow it like usual.
Putin Applies for US Security Agency Leadership Position
Ex-KGB Officer and former President of Russia, said his job as Russian Prime Minister would not conflict with a role as head honcho at a US Agency. Its way more money than I could ever imagine!
Pope breaks silence about attack
"Why couldn't that nutcase just throw a shoe at me?"
Rabbits to divorce due to loveless marraige
Female bunny says that he never cared about her and just wanted to "Thumper."
Crazed Woman Sets Fire to Husband's Penis and Testicles
She wanted him to be "a hunk of burning love."
Charlie Sheen May Go To Jail For Threatening Woman With Knife
His television show will be renamed "Two and a Half to Five."
Britney Spears dyes her hair brown
Not being blond still doesn't make her any smarter.
Kourtney Kardashian Shows Off Her New Baby To The Media
She also demands that the infant have a private trailer and own press secretary on the set of her reality show.
Megan Fox voted worst actress for 2009
She does have two very nice talents, but neither one is acting.
Hollywood admits Michael Jackson wanted to star in A Christmas Carol remake
It was cancelled when it was learned that he was only doing it to "take care of Tiny Tim."
Karl Rove Divorcing; To get Hitched with Bill O'Reilly
In a Bible Thumping Shocker,neo-conservative rabble grousers Bill O'Reilly and former Bush Bed Buddy Karl Rove are expected to "tie the knot" and begin U-Tubing that evening.
Whaoo Dilly Ding Dong.
Still The One!
How do African-Americans rate Obama? "The best black president we have ever had."
Paris Gay Parade Planned
French say that next year's Tour De Prance will be off with the wave of the wrist and a wiggle of the hips.
Whale's song finally translated: "I found my krill, near the big oil rig drill."
Trade In Progress
Al-Qaida trade #3 to Hezbollah for #9, 2 extra virgins and a suicide car bomber to be named later.
Wiener Out The Window
Armless Alphonso Costanza survives explosion rigged on his toilet seat but nickname completely appropriate now.
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