Spoof news snippets from Monday 28 December 2009
New Television Service
I was watching a new television show. They scan each page of the morning and evening newspapers with live camera, slowly enough to allow people to read it. This is paper view television.
RSPB to Launch Expedition to Research Cuckoo Habitats
The RSPB are launching an expedition to West Africa to see if there are any problems causing their decline in numbers. However cuckoos can be found in great numbers in the Houses of Parliament.
2010 Hottest Items
Sexy sequin gowns, Low-riding jeans and houses and things set on fire the hottest items out there this winter.
Tolerance over Religion
Religious nuts condemn men for having sex yet they have sex with their wives thousands of times a year and never see themselves as guilty.
Porno lesbians vs. Real lesbians
Porno lesbians are beautiful, straight women who do it for the money unlike real lesbians who are lonely, unattractive women who hang out together to give each other cheap thrills.
Feminist vs. Men
Men have decided to aide feminist in their quest to rid themselves of men; men will claim their sovereignty and live in a separate society with millions of upgraded, genetically grown females.
Judge Orders Music Stopped!
US bands blast use of music in Guantanamo interrogations. Judge rules Bob Dylan's Christmas Album cruel and unusual punishment.
Hypocrisy at its best
Christians want to pray in school but there are also 3.2 million other religions that want to pray in school.
Christmas tinsel-eating cat creates a brand new organic yoyo!
Not A Pretty Sight
Pope performs fourteen exorcisms over the weekend. Wants to know who is next after Amy Winehouse.
We're A Wild Place!
"Come To Yemen" campaign kicks off as Anything Goes country wants young lovers to come experience enough insanity that they'll never fear to live anywhere else in the world.
Uses Elf Word
Santa Claus caught red-handed at elf-bowling in London, England!
Naughty Laura Bush
Laura Bush Reveals a Little of Herself! Former First Lady to reveal some shapely ankles in February Playboy Magazine.
No Time For TV
Report: Too many people are skipping on TV to spend time with family, hobbies, volunteering for charities, having sex on kitchen table.
Revenge sweet as man eats all ten crabs that ate his friend who fell off cruise ship last year!
Putin To Run Again?
Vladimir Putin thinking of using slogan, "Rutin, Tutin Putin!" if he runs again for President.
Former lead singer of Los Lobos leaves to join Current favorite, La Niña.
Try To Cope
Pope's message of Cope heard by nearly three million people. I'm sorry, that should have been, Message of Hope!
Dad Not Prejudice
Al Gore: My dad may have voted against the Equal Rights Amendment but he was the first to hire part black/part Indian woman to fill three positions as Congressional aides.
"We Are Not Asses!"
Queen Elizabeth very upset after Prince Charles learns the art of ventriloquism.
Just In Case
Government launches satellite to track northern Bigfoot migrations that don't exist.
Centerfold A Matter Of Taste
Nations Seniors excited as Larry Flynt Publications purchases AARP Magazines.
Well, Bust My Ass!
Skating at Rockefeller Center sets record with 37 busted asses in one day.
Wall Street jittery after Christmas sales down the most since it was known as the Winter Solstice!
Biden Losing It?
Some in Washington concerned after Joe Biden announces that our anti-UFO shields are up and ready for anything.
Dutch Airport Security allows Nigerian terrorist to pass, they were all stoned!
Dutch Security guards allowed a Nigerian terrorist to pass freely, reason, Holland is well known for its liberal drug laws, man and were those security guards fucking stoned!
Going Too Far?
Tarq Salahi gives the Evening News on ABC as his wife, Michaele sits on an very angry Diane Sawyer in the back.
Pope contracts mob hit on Iranian Ayatollahs
'Santa Claus is a saint, and central to the Christian tradition', the Pope said. 'The fatwah issued against him by the godless infidels of Iran is unacceptable, and the Sicilians will get them.'
Ayatollahs issue fatwah against Santa
'In late December, he violated our air space repeatedly, with stealth technology obviously supplied by the Zionist Jewish conspiracy in the USA', they say. 'Allah demands his death.'
Obama visits Africa
'I've never seen so many minorities in one place', mused the US president. 'Obviously there's some very effective community organizing around here.'
Citizens of Crete stage riots
Tired of being called 'Cretins' by the rest of the world, they demand the island be re-named.
Expert: David 'taller than we thought'
Biblical archaeologist finds that slayer of Goliath stood at least 5 feet, three inches tall, while Goliath was 'rather stumpy'.
Dog owners urged to have housecats
'Cats make excellent chew toys', says expert.
Vatican exorcises 'holy ghost'
Authorities blame 'improper attire'
Pope is angry with God
While in heaven the Pope got angry with God because a married man who had sex with his wife over 45 thousand times was allowed into heaven, but God argues that sex is what produced the Pope.
White House says the three day wait before the President addresses the nation about the terrorist attack on an inbound airliner, was due to the time it took to fly in his teleprompter.
Not Nice To Blame Mother Nature
Mother Nature blamed once again by weatherman fro big snow. He still gets hit by barrage of snowballs while leaving station.
Death row Briton learns that he will be executed by...never mind.
Snooper Army Loose
The 20,000 snooper army: Vast number of town hall bureaucrats get power to enter your home without a warrant, eat your food off your best china.
Escaped Prisoner Taunts Police
An escaped prisoner has celebrated his first Christmas on the run by brazenly taunting police with photos of himself posing alongside a roast turkey with 'police' sign on it.
More Security Measures Imposed
Draconian security measures sparked by failed Christmas day bomb plot could last for months. Some levity at favorite saying, "Is that a bomb in your underwear or are you just glad to see me?"
Attacker Not Alone
Hunt for terror cell behind Christmas Day suicide attack as Home Secretary reveals jet bomber 'did not act alone' but was a part of notorious "Underwear Explosion Gang".
Polanski Thanks Supporters
Polanski thanks all three of his supporters for their solidarity.
House Democrats pessimistic about being optimistic on passage on complete health care bill.
"She'll Be Rising"
2 passengers detained after flight to Phoenix. By the time they get to Phoenix, one is recognized as Glen Campbell.
700 New Apts. Available
Israel to build 700 apartments in east Jerusalem. For a real deal, call Shlomo Saks in Tel Aviv.
Cell phone mania forces scramble for more airwaves, quiet and peaceful areas where you can think.
Crackdown Stepped Up
Reports: Iran steps up crackdown on opposition as protesters experience an up and down day.
Had The Runs
No danger on Sunday flight, just an ill passenger who stunk up the plane until passengers believed they were under bio attack.
More Air-Travel Headaches
New restrictions to add to air-travel headaches as no more aspirin, ibuprofen Tylenol allowed aboard.
Chinese Have The Fastest
China unveils 'world's fastest trained lynx'..I'm sorry, that should be 'train link'.
Troops Raid Camps
Thai troops raid camp, deport 4,000 Hmong to Laos, suspected terrorists Hmong them.
Security Reviews Underway
Security reviews under way after airliner attack. From now on, underwear to be removed and sniffed by dogs, security personnel.
Sounds of firecrackers mark failure of terror plot as plane passengers celebrate terrorist bomb not going off.
Indians Buy Back Land
Indian tribes buy back thousands of acres of land. Manhattan Island the first to go.
Shoppers spend a little more during holiday season. Plan to cut back in January., most of 2010.
40,000 Tons Of Carbon Footprint Created By Copenhagen Meeting.
60,000 Created By Conservatives Bitching About It.
A noticeable subset of Trekkers...
...finds Spock's resurrection in Star Trek III: The Search for Spock to be highly illogical. Also, the weird woozy mysticism of Vulcan is entirely at odds with logic.
Trek fan goes blind
A new Star Trek fan who had never seen Star Trek V: The Final Frontier has gone blind. No one had warned him about the "erotic" dance scene performed by an overaged and over weight Uhura.
Kid points out obvious in math class
If 2 to the 2nd is 4 and 2 to the 1st is 2, then shouldn't 2 to the zeroth be zero? But no, the teacher insisted it was 1, as if not writing a number is somehow something.
The perfect murder gone awry
When the tinsel that Frank deliberately dropped on the floor for his wife's cat to eat did not actually kill it, he knew he was busted. His wife soon found cat turds with tinsel in them.
Girl surprised by new job
A young woman who went to Hollywood to find fame and fortune, accepted employment as a Fluffer, having been told it would get her into the movie scene. She was unaware of what the job required.
Redneck man counts his blessings
While he lives in a trailer park, he still has a higher standard of living than 2/3rds of the Earth's population. This helps. A little.
Joan Rivers nude pics
Are not actually available. Under the Supreme Court doctrine of something that poses a "clear and present danger", they never will be.
December 27, 2009
This just in: Nine out of ten doctors agree that the tenth one really needs to chill out!
Heroic cat saves catnip
While a fire raged at her owner's home, Tabitha bravely darted back in, passed by the parents and baby choking to death from the smoke, and found her catnip bag. She and the nip escaped unsinged.
Dog travels 2,100 miles
A dog who was not lost or left behind, and was tired of waiting to be, has travelled over 2,000 miles to get away from his lousy owners.
"Avatar" concerns actors
As the movie "Avatar" opened to record box office receipt highs, and focused mainly on CGI "actors", real actors are worried. They may be increasingly unnecessary.
Several nations quietly waiting
While the 20th century may justly be regarded as the "American" one, China and India are poising themselves to grab the 21st century title. Brazil and Nigeria are looking to the 22nd.
...now that "awareness" was so thoroughly raised, what actually was done?
Plus sized woman sues Post Office
She has taken offense at the fact that they assigned her a zip code. Just for her.
Man realizes that he's old
Having made fun of his parent's love of sixties music, he now gets made fun of for his love of eighties music.
Explanation reassures parents
Parents concerned that the band "311" was named for the letter K being the 11th letter 3 times (KKK) were relieved to learn that it really was for Omaha, Nebraska's code for "indecent exposure".
UPS guy sues Joe Namath
He says that Joe's dog bit him. The dog says, "Well, the guy was deliverng mail."
Truth is stranger than fiction
The man who played Lumpy on "Leave it to Beaver" is the financial advisor to Jerry Mathers who played "the Beaver".
Robin Williams deluded
The man who has starred in some good movies is sadly still under the impression that joke names about penises are invariably funny. His fans put up with him anyway.
First time killer surprised
A local man embarking on a new career of serial killing was surprised when the guy he stabbed didn't drop dead. His experience with movies had not prepared him for the guy running off screaming.
For a dose of fascist philosophy...
...nothing beats the TV show "COPS". Not only do you get to see losers arrested, you get tough sounding, street savvy "philosophy" from guys who graduated at the bottom of their high school class.
Lone man maintains crusade
A homeless man in Topeka, is still maintaining his lonely crusade against the fluoridation of water. He believes it bad, though he thinks it's Al Qaida's plan now, not the Soviets as he once thought.
Australia fears baby boomers
They are all about to retire, drawing more from the government even as they pay less taxes. The chief fear is that non-white immigrants will have to be allowed in to make up the difference.
Visited by district nurse yesterday which really made me feel my age. Pam Edwards, voice of an angel and a chest the size of New South Wales
Shrink Time 1
Have just googled anal fixation. Apparently I'm stingy, and compulsively seek order and tidiness. Wiki has obviously not seen my fridge
My counsellor is more interested in my sex life than I am. She asked me about my best sexual experience. I told her I'm still waiting for it
UK welfare family gets $59,000 a year
This family of 15 gets more on welfare than they could possibly earn. Not they're trying to earn anything. They are busy breeding the next generation of bums, and that's a full time job.
A man was arrested for hitting a baby on the head, while it was strapped in it's car seat. The baby has said that it's a good thing he was strapped down, or he'd have given as good as he got.
2nd Nigerian on Delta was "just sick"
A Nigerian who was in the bathroom on the plane for an hour was actually just sick. Many are protesting, as it is widely believed that the police "profile" all Nigerians with tummy aches.
Nigerian football player to be lashed in Sudan
This is punishment for him drinking alcohol. The American NFL has announced that they will not be playing any games in Sudan. Ever.
Nigeria has invested billions of dollars..
...in sources of energy to provide electricity to all. It's not worked. It's believed that the funds are tied up in a bank, but if you'll withdraw the funds for them, they'll let you have 10%.
Racism and robots
The Japanese, who's falling birth rates may require them to accept over half a million immigrants a year, are leading the world in developing robots. Guess why.
American Indians Buy Back Native Land From US.
New York Will Not Accept $48 Worth Of Beads For Manhattan.
Japanese jobless rate climbs to 5.2%
This has prompted wide spread concern there. It's also prompted wide spread inquiries from Americans seeking to move there.
Local coroner ashamed
A coroner for Grover's Point, population 4,399 is ashamed that he has no great stories to tell about how his forensic genius solved a murder case. All that training was for nothing.
"Yokomine Method" popular in Japan
It's a form of pre-school training designed to let all kids be super kids. For the nation that wasn't quite Type A personality enough, this is just what they've been waiting for.
Girl shooting heroin just realized something
That in spite of what she told herself while doing pot, taking ecstasy, and snorting coke - that it was just "social" use...that shooting heroin might make her an "addict".
Highly resistant TB in U.S.
But it's mostly a concern of the homeless and lower classes. So no big deal. Funding for erectile dysfunction in old and wealthy businessmen will not be impacted.
Your angry teen is playing a joke on you
The computer in your bedroom has been changed, so that the webcam never goes off. He's been selling your pathetic 2 minute once a week sessions with your wife on the net.
Man at School Board invokes Constitution
Complaining about a minor issue at a board meeting that was obviously of concern only to him, he drug in the poor Constitution, believing it proved that he was right. He was right, but no one cared.
Local comedian thinks he's "edgy"
Vern Tessio, who can be seen every week at a local bar, thinks his act is "edgy". "I sure poked at the council for that water purification project.", he said. He is surprised he wasn't silenced.
Scamming old people
The Attorney General has noticed - but doesn't care - that the biggest scammer of the elderly are the companies that offer Life Insurance for pennies a day, knowing they won't actually be paying out.
Family sleeps better tonight
They watched a "COPS" show about prostitution arrests. Seeing 15 armed men involved in stopping old men looking for blowjobs lets them know that there must be no other crimes of note in their town.
Policewoman just realized
That always being the undercover street whore in stings says much about her looks. After all, she was picked for being a credible looking crack whore.
A middle aged loser is fooled again
A 48 year old balding man with a boring office job is under the impression that the 24 year old blonde flirting with him actually likes him. When he wakes up rolled tomorrow, he'll know better.
Single mom fooled again
A 35 year old woman with three kids by two dads is at a bar with a guy she just met. She is under the impression that this could be "real", not realizing that he just wants the easy lay.
African American woman doesn't realize
Shaniqua doesn't know it, but everyone at her office knows that she is not a natural blonde. They also know that her blue eyes are contacts.
First time offender surprised
At his trial, it didn't go anything like Law and Order. Heck, if it hadn't of been him on trial, he'd have been bored. And at no point was the Constitution invoked to justify his petty theft.
Whatever happened to the cigar?
You know, the one that Bill Clinton used with Monica? After all, every other item was saved. Does Bill still have it?
December 27, 1901
Marlene Dietrich was born. She was as famous as any star ever would be, and most now don't even know her name. Sic transit gloria mundi.
On this day in 1979...
...the Soviet Union took over Afghanistan. Suggestions that this would be the Soviet Vietnam were brushed off. How'd that work out for them?
Every commercial he sees tells him that they will pay him the most for his gold. So who is telling the truth?
History called Bill O'Reilly last week. Bill was told that by 2050, no one would really know or care who he was, at least no more than care now who John Faulk of CBS in the sixties was.
Indians quietly take over America
Native tribes have been buying up land and putting it in Federal Trust, so as to get their lands back a bit at a time. Sales records show that they are spending substantially more than beads, though.
Condom Company Sues
Trojan Condoms sue Capitol One over slogan, "What's in your wallet?"
Whats That Smell?
Illinois man tired of looking at big windmill for energy on neighbor's property installs hog pen on his land behind it.
Senate Bill Has Extras
Senate part of health care bill includes creating a ceiling on lobbyist bribes.
Big Warm Up Coming
Global Warming experts warn that temperatures could rise as much as 60 degrees between now and next summer!
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