Spoof news snippets from Sunday 27 December 2009
Bernanke's Positive Spin
Fed Chairman Bernanke predicts some downsizing during 2010, a slight reduction in spending and food riots in the streets.
A new study shows that most people who talk to their plants eventually become one.
Some Housing Up
President Obama points to housing increase among Yurts, Geometric Domes and Hay Bale Houses.
All Nude Flight
First all nude flight on a plane leads to record breaking seventeen new couples entering the Mile High Club at one time.
Secret Messages Exchanged
New England Patriots accused of spying once again. Apparently paying one mole on each time to reveal knowledge of that team's weakness.
Starbucks Cutting Back
Starbucks is cutting out soups and sandwiches at all locations and closing 75 stores in Superior, Wisconsin.
An Iraqi newspaper reports that Saddam Hussein was surprised by US invasion, big spider joining him in spider hole.
Pope Benedict XVI, back on the street with the people after being knocked over by protester last week, approves early withdrawal in Iraq, Afghanistan & in Catholic bedrooms.
Letters Sent To All Leaders
Nigerian time machine will save us all from global warming as soon as $1Trillion collected for Googlebytes.
Meyer Still At Florida
Florida coach Urban Meyer will not step down but instead will take an indefinite leave of absence, he said on Sunday. Will consider any incentives for longer contract.
Big lottery winner in Massachusetts worried to death that he'll also be struck by lightning.
Pope upset that Catholics on NYC police force have been using doughnut wafers at Communion.
New Tape Alright
Osama bin Laden has released a new tape. How do we know that it is a new tape. Near the end he brags about winning against the odds as the Cowboys beat the Saints in New Orleans.
Makes More Sense
According to records, Los Angeles original name was "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de la Porciuncula." That was when Arnold Schwarzenegger should ave been governor.
Spread It Around
When asked about President Obama taking his wife out on dates, former President Bill Clinton stated that he also went on dates, but he used the opportunity to get to know more of the American people.
City of York Inundated with Shoplifters
The city of York, in Yorkshire, have kept the police busy this weekend. No less than 70 people have been arrested for shoplifting after the local vicar apparently told them to do it in his sermon.
Biden Blabbing Again
Last night in New York City Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech at a $1000-a-plate fundraising dinner. The speech lasted so long that fourteen people passed out from low blood sugar.
Thought Date Ran Out
Apparently through a misunderstanding, John McCain threw out his old TV and all his TV dinners after conversion to HDTV.
New Vatican Policy
The Vatican issues "Don't Tail, Don't Tell" policy to priests!
Jackie the Assassin Pomplino of New Jersey announces his run for office and winning the contest today in Jersey City.
Hard To Tell
Latest poll shows that most Americans don't know a Shiite from a Shaman.
"Sock It To Me"Reid
Richard Colvin Reid, the Shoe Bomber, says that man caught trying to blow up plane headed to Detroit is a complete idiot.
Biden Blabbing Again
Vice President Joe Biden told by security at White House to quit blabbing where his secret location is during national emergency.
Say That Again
President Obama tells newspaper reporters that despite making headway on health care bill, no one knows what LIES ahead.
Nigerian Man Sets Off Bomb In Pants, Now Has Little Chance Of Using 75 Virgins In Heaven.
Viagra sellers hammer him with adverts....
That Wasn't Me
Sarah Palin tells fellow Republicans that if she became president and something went wrong, they could always blame it on Tina Fey.
Wikipedia Ruling Handed Down
A Federal Court judge has ordered Wikipedia to list "Our Best Guess" at the top of each item.
Wow! Look At That!
President Barack Obama made a surprise visit to a WalMart near DC today. The shoppers were amazed because they had never seen a skinny person before.
President Obama has won yet another Nobel Prize. This time it's in medicine for calling himself a complete idiot for smoking.
The Playboy Museum opens today to a huge crowd. "If you build it", states Hefner.
Superstars Of Dance
Rumor: If NBC drops reality show, "The Superstars of Dance" completely, Sci-Fi Channel to pick it up.
The unthinkable has happened. Black men are now portrayed as imbeciles, just as white men are on television commercials. Equal at last, equal at last.
Seventy two unsullied virgins available after Al Queada terrorist proves to be inept student and an example of grade inflation at bomb making school.
Police respond to a call from staff at The Golden Fog, a local retirement home. A melee started among the female residents when diapers were thrown on stage while an Elvis Impersonator was singing.
Not Long Now
"Brokeback Mountain, The Musical, headed for Broadway in the Spring of 2010.
Shia Muslims act APELIKE but evolution has not rejected them, JUST YET!
Thousands of Iraqi Muslims acting like APES, slapping their heads and bums have not been left behind in the evolutionary process, God divulged this today, but is certainly worried about them????
Happens Every Time
Once again a "near disaster" with a terrorist on board an airplane has led to massive sales of duct tape.
Chinese agree to recall over ten billion X-Ray Glasses even though they still claim that you are looking through them wrong.
Obama Seasons Greetings
President Obama: Season's greetings! We have passed the health bill in the Senate which should save enough money the first year to pay off all those bribes.
Covers Protologist I Hope!
Big percentage of husbands in the US say they hope the new health care will pass soon because of wife cramming their Christmas gift.
President Obama's prank-call to a Washington radio station, calling himself 'Barry from D.C.'backfires when disc jockey replies, "You sound like that idiot in the White House."
Energy saving tip for Obama's America
Turn your thermostat down to 60 and wear a sweater. But in Obama's America, no one needs to hear that obvious advice.
If psychic powers are real...
...how come they have to make a living manning phone lines, instead of predicting stocks and lottery numbers?
Kirstie Alley can relax
A new study reveals that privately, many men think she's sexier plump then skinny. Not that we've seen her skinny, much.
Sexy Dish Washing
The couple who wash the dishes together will stay together, research reveals, especially those that go from there to spooning and forking.
If the Hamas wanted to break the stalemate, that's what they should do. Besides taking a page from the U.S. civil rights era, they should be all about peace and light.
New Drug Rules On Sales
Pharmacists may no longer be able to say no to dispensing drugs on religious or moral grounds, so begin looking for meth, crack cocaine and opium any day now.
If the Hamas were smart...
...they'd peaceably protest, sing "We shall overcome" and give "I have a dream" speeches. Given how dependent on us Israel is, that would knock them out far better than bombs.
'Two fat ladies' and other traditional bingo calls scraped for fear of offense. Also, 'All threes, dirty knees, aim to please!'
"With His Faithful Partner"
With today's term for "partner" having a different meaning, many old western movies, like Gene Autry & Gabby Hays being edited.
Japanese government considers new law
It would allow women to choose whether to take the name of their husband or keep their own. Next, they'll address the "shoes for women" issue.
Pot & Kettle Diplomacy
Experts accuse Government of 'alarming complacency' over UK's ballooning budget deficit. U.S. warms them they need to cut back on debt.
Husband concerned about gift
A husband received a strange "gift" from his wife. It was a note card saying, "Fidelity", and she explained that she was giving him the gift of that this year.
Handbags at dawn: Shoppers jostle for bargains in £1billion Boxing Day sales frenzy immediately after 'starting gun' fires.
Not To Offend Airplane Bombers, Etc.
'Bonkers' police drop the word Christmas from poster to avoid upsetting other faiths who might be keeping the December 25th 'Holiday'.
For Your Own Good
Telecom firms' fury at plan for 'Stasi' checks on every phone call, post mail, magazine and email sent.
Christmas isn't the same without Pluto
The planets, who get together each year around Christmas, are still saddened and concerned about Pluto's absence. They miss him, and hope he'll return one day.
USC Kicks Butt
USC kicks Boston College butt in 24-13 in Hemorrhoid Bowl. I'm sorry, that should be Emerald Bowl.
Distressing news for you
Your parents purchased you from a crack addict. You were actually a crack baby. Hence your low grades and puny frame.
Takes Time To Sort It Out
A comparison of House, Senate health care bills show that they have at least the word "insurance" in common.
Another worthless cancer gene discovery
Scientists announced that they have discovered two genes that cause brain cancer. As always, they have not discovered anything to do about it.
"New ferry tragedy in the Phillipines"
But come to think of it, when is there not one? At some point the Phillipines and Indonesia need to examine their ferry boat factories. Really.
High-Tech Vehicles Trouble To Fix
High-tech vehicles pose trouble for some shade tree mechanics.
"That there dohickey is on fire. That's your trouble, right there. Let's push it out from under my tree."
United 93 As Example
After United 93, air travelers react to threats as Detroit passengers attacked would-be bomber with laptops, ink pens and carry-on luggage.
Tried To Warn US
Father of Detroit would-be bomber warned US that son had been making bombs in his room for some time.
Police: Ivana Trump becomes angry, taken off plane, water boarded.
Search for answers, tighter security on airplane after attack. From now on, everyone to be strip-searched.
Airlines: New rules keep passengers in seats, sometimes as long as six hours on the runway.
China has unveiled the fastest rail link in the world -- a train connecting the modern cities of Guangzhou and Wuhan at an average speed of 217 miles an hour. The West not convinced such cities exist.
While this is the time of year when you can usually exchange gifts at any store, no questions asked, your local strip club will not give you two lap dances for the sweater your wife bought you.
Legal, but ill advised
A study suggests that while standing on the street corner near a school wearing a raincoat is legal, it should be avoided. Likewise with wearing a Klan robe to an inner city bar.
Profilng taken to logical extreme
Every single white male between the age of 30 and 49 has been rounded up and sent to special camps. It is believed that this will end the problem of serial killers in America.
While playing solitaire till dawn, with a deck of 51 cards, and smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo, a local man was surprised to hear - well, you know what song he heard.
Since relations were normalized with Vietnam, there has been a marked increase in dog exports to them. But no rise in dog ownership statistics.
Charlie Sheen sent to prison
As the woman said she was beaten by Sheen, there was no need of a trial, as women don't lie about such things. Especially during break ups.
Chinese and Indian pay back
To get back at the Europeans, for having the Pope divided the world between Spain and Portugal, the Chinese and Indians are now doing that. Sadly, you need to learn Chinese now.
China boasts of world's fastest train
In yet another blow to the has-been called "U.S.A.", the Chinese have exceeded us in yet another area. Hardly surprising, as their smartest 20% outnumber our total population.
Bill O'Reilly accused dead vets of war crimes
84 American soldiers, defending against Nazism in WWII, were shot down by SS troops even though they'd surrendered. But Bill - Nazi lover that he is - said it was the U.S. GIs who killed SS soldiers.
This smells like a tax funded study
"Scientists" at Yale have determined that duck vaginas spiral one way, and duck penises spiral the other way. It was not mentioned how many ducks were fingered and fondled to learn this.
From the German Department of the Obvious
It has been proved what has long been known. That women take 20 seconds longer to park, on average, and do a worse job of it. Next, they plan to prove that 80 plus year old drivers are dangerous.
Ancient Mayan toilets
Scientists think they may have discovered ancient toilets. But actually, when your career is pawing through some dead guy's feces, isn't it safe to say that whatever you are, it's not a "scientist"?
America - "It's midnight, do you know where your kid is?"
France - "It's midnight, do you know where your wife is?" Poland - "It's midnight, do you know what time it is?"
When I go inside a building...
I make sure to take a deep drag off of my cigarette first. Then I throw the cigg out - on the ground - and go inside. Then I exhale, so the second hand smoke can annoy others. Just how I roll.
Why can't Stephen King stop embarassing himself?
Much like Madonna, he should have stopped in the eighties and retired on top. But like Madonna, he just has to keep on going, getting crappier and crappier.
Ever notice that...
...that the more books John Grisham publishes, the larger the print is? It is sad that this hasn't been obvious to more people. By 2015, he is to be known as the world's foremost children's author.
Ivana Trump Terrorist?
The mega money diva from centuries past temporarily grounded a jet in Florida. Officials say she was "breathing flames" and had to be escorted off the plane. Ivana has pleaded the insanity defense.
No, he's not a molester
The mysterious man who is always watching you, and interfering every time you are about to get in trouble is not a molester. It's you. Congratulations, you invent time travel in 2031.
1/2 a thousand hilarious snippets wrote!
And all for your amusement! Enjoy!
December 27th, Kwang Zow day
Today the Chinese celebrate Kwang Zow day. No, not really. You see, the Chinese don't need to make up holidays in order to boost their self-esteem.
Sponsor a Child
Did you know for about $30 a month, you can sponsor a poor African kid? Well, actually you'll be sponsoring the warlords who intercept the funds, but they'll use it to arm a child soldier.
Blood Diamonds are back
But were they ever really gone? After all, they are cheaper, as the producers cut costs with slave labor, and pass the savings on to you!
New bumper stickers out
The new ones say, "Support our Troops - but just the ones who don't imprison people without trial, torture and murder them." It has been noted that unlike Vietnam, all who serve now volunteered.
Don't you feel safe?
With all your freedoms taken, our constitution thrashed, and taxes raised - not to mention the indignities of air travel - a terrorist still smuggled incendiaries on board.
What kind of idiot...
...tries to blow himself up on a plane and fails? The mix of powder and liquid did no more than burn his legs. This brainiac forgot that gelled gasoline would have worked, and required no mixing.
It is noticed that people used to be very afraid of atomic war when only one enemy had the bomb, but now that dozens do, no one cares any more.
Herr Doktor Romance says...
..."eef vun ist vlirting on der net, den one ist not being sexually satisvied by vun's partner."
It has been found that those with the least self-esteem are most likely to engage in an off-shoot of bragging known as "net boasts". These people are always genius billionaire philanthropists.
Did you know?
Those most insistent on letting you know how smart they are, are usually the dumbest in our culture? Well, as you are on the net, you no doubt do know this.
A new study about strippers shows...
...that while every one of them claims to be putting themselves through college, they are instead hooked on drugs and whoring on the side. History records no exceptions.
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