Spoof news snippets from Saturday 26 December 2009
Fresh Attempt at Plane Terrorism!
All passengers will now be required to have hands cut off before boarding.
Nonentity Cheryl Cole stories fuel pregnancy myth
No patter of tiny feet Chez Cole in 2010 as Ashley still firing blanks and Cheryl's snatch falls out from over-exposure,
Americans, fed up with North Korean missile launching, demand that they make a product we can boycott and make jokes about on the late night TV Shows.
Uri Geller predicts Pope will die on New Year's Day
Aintgottaprayer.con gives odds of 5/4 that Papa Ratzi will be poisoned just like Pope John Paul I - with a Plutonium-210 sandwich!
Pentagon hacker Gary McKinnon offered asylum in Tehran
President Ahmadinejad offers McKinnon $5 million, Iranian citizenship and four delectable teenage wives in return for those enigmatic Pentagon launch codes he hacked into...
Prince William 'sleeping with rough trade' cover-story blown
Royal protction squad officers were forced to admit it took 30 of them to man the watch as Wills 'shagged some old tramp' under Blackfriars Bridge - for charidee.
Sea The Stars' stud career off to rocky start
The champion three year-old came over 'all gay' this weekend when confronted with the shagging of Irish broodmare Balalaika at the Coolmore Stud. The Magniers are demanding their money back!
Gary Glitter appointed Mistress of the Bedchamber in New Year Honors
The move follows anti-discrimination policies at the Palace giving equal gong rights to minorities such as perverts, paedos, sickbags, nutjobs and other House of Ratzinger members.
Tiger Woods to be Companion of Dishonor in New Year gongs list
The Queen was apparently so mesmerised at all that heroic shagging that she's given the gong to Tiger as a bit of a 'come-on' invite into her royal bedchamber. Don't know who's the more pathetic.
New Year gong for Cherry Bush
The ex-Prime Monster's wife, accomplice and alibi is to be made a Dame Grand Double Cross of the Sacred Military Constantinian Order of St George Bush.
Madoff moved to jail nuthouse
The $66bn fraudster apparently tried to top himself after Feds found the missing $$$s in an Al Qaeda bank account. Tiger Woods is teetering on bankruptcy.
O'Bama Defends Afghanistan Timetable
Too late - Gates and Clinton have already usurped it.
Sumatra's New Leader
Some guy named Frank has apparently taken charge over the government of Sumatra.
Best Boy Getting Married Live On News
NBC Nightly News says ABC News jumped the shark with their story about NBC Nightly News jumping the shark!
He's Loose Again!
Transylvania issues a thirty torch alert after alarm goes off at Castle.
Both Alleys In Clinics
Kirsty Alley's sister, Thirsty Alley has a whole set of different problems.
New Lottery Not Working
Not too many gambling on the new Kentucky Moe Howard Pick Two lottery ticket with $25 payout.
You Could Be Right
Democrats move from the far left of center to the extreme far far left.
Poland's first Ferrari dealership opens
Last month's massive crude oil find in Gdansk has seen newfound billionaires demand their very own Rodeo Drive. Over 500 612 Scaglietti models are on order as Polish spending out-binges the Saudis.
Cherry Bush files for divorce
The move follows video evidence showing Tony was Tiger Woods' top UK shag.
Cops search London home of Detroit terror suspect
10 Downing Street was subjected to a rigorous probe as police followed up FBI clues that identified this as bomb suspect Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab London's main residence.
Stars & Stripes flying upside down at US ambassador's residency
Regents Park neighbors reckon it's only one step away from Ambassador Louis Susman flying his true colors - the Skull & Crossbones!
Hampstead Heath Boxing Day naked skinny dip turns nasty
Hundreds came to the annual Mixed Bathing Pond bollox-freezing ritual despite the water being drained off for desludging. Probably still too pissed from Xmas Day to even notice it was gone...
Charlie Sheen drug tested after domestic rumpus
Aspen cops report finding 'significant' levels of blood in his cocaine supply. Mrs Sheen says it's just a symptom of the cracks that have begun appearing in their 2 year marriage.
Pope attack heroine Susanna Maiolo tells shrinks she ain't crazy
She's just owed five years' child maintenance by the fetid old tightass who has reneged on all child support payments in the wake of Madoff ponzi scam losses.
Pope shat himself as Lady In Red knocked him for six
Susanna Maiolo, 25, dealt Old Papa Ratzi a karmic blow in St Peter's Basilica in reprisal for this year's Hitler's Pope sainthood trick. Some fetid Nazis still just don't get it...
WMD discovered in Italy
Susanna Maiolo, who holds dual Swiss and Italian nationality, has been indentified as a Weapon of Mass Disruption when she had a game of 'Papal Skittles'at St Peter's Basillica, late Thursday evening
"I Don't Know!"
Monastery kicks out Cardinal Byrd and Abbot Costello though they only pointed toward First Base, Second Base and Third Base with a shrug.
Nick Griffin Gives His Support to DEFRA
Nick Griffin, fully commends the efforts of DEFRA and the Welsh Assembly in banning over 60 various creatures that pose a threat to Britain's indigenous species. He has no objection to blackbirds.
Anger Management Needed
Study shows that continued anger as bad for you as cigarette smoking, being overweight. Over 10,000 people a year die during traffic jams, after hearing cell phones ring in theaters, libraries.
Baby Seal Found in Lake at Buckingham Palace
A baby seal was found in a lake at Buckingham Palace. The Windsors have adopted the aquatic mammal. The Queen loves him as he plays with her corgis. He is now known as the 'Royal Seal of Approval'.
Handy To Have Around
Former servart reveals that not only did he have to squeeze Prince Charles toothpaste out, he also had to jiggle "Little Charles" after he peed.
The Mormon Bachelor
A new version of "The Bachelor" to air in 2010 and on "The Mormon Bachelor", all the ladies win!
Astronomers say that newly discovered meteorite will come close enough to the earth to cause everyone with hair to have that Robert Pattinson look.
Over 100 Haitian immigrants arrive safely to Florida on big piece of iceberg.
Like Kids After Cigarettes, Liquor
Lots of customers already asking people outside of McDonalds to add their order to theirs, as the restaurant is first to disallow anyone over 300 pounds to enter..part of the new health care plan.
Tibetan Holy men march in protest against Chinese occupation, 'Monk' going off TV.
S&M group will gather in Detroit on the second of January to elect their "Miss World Of Hurt" for 2010.
Buy Your Own
Funeral Home says that they will no longer provide free hand baskets at crematorium.
Oregon has declared the medical use of marijuana to be legal. California's Governor Schwarzenegger legalizes steroids.
Mancs are wanks
Were it not for how rich the Manchester United Football club is, they'd not be able to buy their wins. Or so a bloke from Liverpool told me.
A Nigerian man found your wallet
If you call him and identify yourself - you know, full name, address, date of birth and social security number - he'll return it to you. Oh, he'll need your credit card pin, too. Just to be safe.
A frightening night
It was reported that an Englishman, making love to his wife last night, looked down in concern and asked if she was all right. She said she was, and asked why he asked. He said, "Well, you moved."
Pope-Diving Out Of Hand!
Susanna Maiolo, who dived on top of Pope Benedict XVI, dragging him to the floor Christmas eve, was the second year in a row for her. "She's a part of new Pope-Diving group", says official.
Knew There Was A Catch
Holiday firms slash prices on sunshine trips in price war. Consumer advocates urge customers to read fine print about sharing Hotel rooms with other families.
Citizens of Los Angeles were reassured yesterday that what they felt was not an earth tremor but Kirsty Alley shutting refrigerator door.
Queen At Tesco
Photo apparently showing the Queen shopping at Tesco, not a good sign for British economy.
Obama Mortgage Program Failing
The government shouldn't reward liars. But that's the effect of changes to the Obama administration's failing program to help homeowners modify their mortgages. $125 a month for 100 years not working.
Foaming At Mouth Stage
Radical Yemeni cleric believed unhurt in air strike by US. Now even madder that ever, say family & friends.
Forecasters warn of continued blizzards in Plains. Former President loads up family and leaves home in Georgia upon hearing the news.
Mrs. Claus furious
Santa came home late from his world wide gift delivery. And smelling of perfume. "It's that floozy in Vladivostok who bakes cookies for you just the way you like them, isn't it?", she asked.
Santa ignored the Irish
For the 400th straight year, Father Christmas has failed to bring the Irish what they asked for - which was, as always, the rapid expulsion of the bloody Brits.
Jewish child sad about Christmas
He wishes he could celebrate it too, and get presents that are cooler than dradles. However, since his parents have not accepted Christ, this is not to be.
Fans Throw Foam
The foam hands came flying in from every corner onto the court in dozens of frisbee-style arches late in the Cavaliers' victory over the Lakers. "You had to hand it to them!", stated LA Coach Jackson.
Mithras enjoyed his 3,409th birthday
Born in 1,400 B.C., the Sun God spent his latest birthday doing as he's done these past few decades, creating global warming. It's believed this is in retaliation for us not worshipping him any more.
Woman In Red
Pope in good shape 2 days after Xmas scare after being ran over by ghost of Christmas pants.
NKorea Weapons Smugglers
North Korea weapons smugglers left trail around world by not securing them properly.
Charlie Sheen Arrested
Charlie Sheen spent the better part of Christmas Day in a Colorado jail cell after being arrested on domestic violence & piss-poor acting allegations.
Did you know?
Raising chickens in your basement to supplement your food supply is a lot harder and more expensive than you'd think. Don't ask me how I know!
GOP Changing Tune
GOP lawmakers change tune on costly health plans. Now singing "Take This Health Bill & Shove It".
Did you ever wonder why...
...the Germans didn't protest over the camps? Well, wonder no more, they kept quiet for the same reason Americans do. For not wanting to be sent there.
Why no fluff news about Palin?
Where is the fluff news about Sarah Palin's Christmas? How's Bristol doing, or who is she doing? How's little Trig? Was "he" invited? Retarded minds want to know!
$162 million lottery prize still unclaimed
Mainly due to the winner preparing to meet the 438 relatives he never knew he had, hear from every past friend from pre-school on up, and to have every ex lover who dumped him call in remorse.
Kids these days!
A Dutch man's teen girl was missing, and she turned up on some island, still trying to sail around the world! Why can't kids just get stoned like we used to?
Obama is weak
If Bush were in power, we'd have already bombed Iran, and probably two more unrelated nations just for drill.
Better living through modern chemistry
The Israelis have discovered that the judicious application of white phosphorous is handy for keeping pesky civilians in occupied nations in line.
Ask your doctor...
...if Dreamian is right for you! Side effects include anxiety, hair loss, impotency, suicidal thoughts and should not be taken if you are pregnant, or are a member of a species that can get pregnant.
A recent study shows that no human on Earth can read the fine print that flashes briefly in the TV commercials. A spokesman expressed grief that any consumers may have been not fully informed.
$ 6 Million Dollar Payday for Mortgage Execs
It's a Free for all!
'Tis the season to be jolly fa la la la laaa la la la la.
Passenger Ignites Small Device On US Plane
Chertoff requests additional $ 15 Billion to "fight terrorist threats."
Who is that elephant in the bedroom?
Gates Proposes $ 2 billion dollar fund for unstable countries
When questioned what he proposes for financially unstable US citizens, he replied "higher taxes".
Who is running this country anyway?
Detroit Big Three to favor other minorities
No longer will cars be named after Native Americans, like the Jeep Cherokee or Aztec. Now, other minorities will be included. Look for the new 2010 Ford Wop and Chrysler Yid at dealerships near you!
While you worry this Christmas...
...about your house being foreclosed on, Obama is in Hawaii, kicked back, and being praised by all the failed businessmen he bailed out with your money. You know, the guys who laid you off.
Jon Bonet's dad looking for the "real killer"
After he announced that he was looking for the real killer, Mr. Ramsey's mail box was flooded with 4,277 mirrors, mailed to him from all over the country.
Drug dealer punished in New York
At a school in Commack, a ruthlessly depraved 10 year old girl was suspended for distributing peppermint oil. The 1st hit was free, after that she made the others sell their bodies for fixes.
Taliban dumb as ever
They have a GI prisoner, and instead of offering to return him if those in Gitmo are treated according to the Geneva Convention, they pose him and ask for prisoner releases.
Keeps Him Out Of Trouble
North Korea agrees to delay starting World War III if Warner Brothers will provide Kim with complete collection of cartoons.
Give It Some Thought
Illinois procrastinators say they will adopt a wait and see attitude before agreeing or disagreeing with question of detainees being shipped to their state prison.
Vinnie "the paper cutter' Luiguini retires to spend more time with the fishes.
Meeting Of The Minds
Miss USA, Miss America and Miss Universe meet to see how they can insure world peace.
Poll shows that the "Old Stick-In-The-Mud" contingent voted 95% against any planned changes in last election.
Support Same-Sex Marriages
New poll reveals that nine out of ten divorce lawyers think same sex marriages should be legal.
Obama & Al-Qaida?
Rush Limbaugh says that President Obama may have connections with al-Qaida, using six degrees of separation rational.
Your mom knows...
...she knows that the big dinner she made for you all was not worth it. Your "thank yous" were hardly reward enough, nor were those lame gift cards. Expect her to abandon you all by March.
You are missing the office Christmas party
The Christmas party that you were told was not being held this year is going on right now, and everyone is having a great time. No, it was not a mistake, they just don't want you there.
Christmas dinner did not make you fat
No, your fat makes you fat. Quit blaming one meal for your years of sloth and gluttony.
Some get married on Christmas
Yes, these attention whores are trying to make it all about them, and screw the baby Jesus. What a shame they're going to hell for that.
Scrooge marathon today
Today, some TV channel is showing every single movie that has ever been made about "A Christmas Carol". It is expected that it will be January 17th before they are done.
Unlike 19th century England...
...in Obama's America Bob Cratchett did not get his job back, and Tiny Tim still has no healthcare. Ebeneezer Scrooge did get a $1.2 billion bail out, though.
Romero pisses on his own vision
"Land of the Dead" portrays a zombie sympathetically, and worse, shows it capable of thought. This has offended Living Dead Purists, quite as much as other director's "fast zombies" did.
Of course the gift you got your wife costs more than the one she got you. That's because she doesn't actually love you any more. Frankly, she never did.
Sorry, birthday kids!
To all those who's birthday is today, you have my deepest sympathy. I know your cheap bastard family and friends are getting you one gift for both occassions.
Garth Brooks tired of his daughters
The man who said he retired to spend more time with his daughters is now out of retirement. "They bored me.", he said.
Set a crook to catch a crook...
E! is having the fashion police bust various celebrities. And who better to do this than one of Hollywood's oldest and ugliest? Joan Rivers is excited at this opportunity.
Prisoner updates Facebook
"So, just chillin', gettin' raped pretty routinely, food still sucks, and I still think my lawyer screwed me. Hope your holiday is better than mine!"
Charlie Sheen in jail for DV
However, his publicist claims it's a mistake. "She just wouldn't listen, is all", the publicist said.
Experts agree, Kwanzaa is pathetic
A made up holiday. Enough said.
It's not there
You can stop looking under the tree, loser. The job you wanted for Christmas is not there. You're unemployable.
Fannie, Freddie to receive unlimited bail out
Obama says that if 400 billion dollars isn't enough, he'll give them even more tax dollars. So relax. Even if you lose your house, at least you don't have to worry about the foreclosers being hurt.
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