Order by:
Rating:

Fresh Attempt at Plane Terrorism!

All passengers will now be required to have hands cut off before boarding.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Nonentity Cheryl Cole stories fuel pregnancy myth

No patter of tiny feet Chez Cole in 2010 as Ashley still firing blanks and Cheryl's snatch falls out from over-exposure,

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Not Fair

Americans, fed up with North Korean missile launching, demand that they make a product we can boycott and make jokes about on the late night TV Shows.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Uri Geller predicts Pope will die on New Year's Day

Aintgottaprayer.con gives odds of 5/4 that Papa Ratzi will be poisoned just like Pope John Paul I - with a Plutonium-210 sandwich!

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Pentagon hacker Gary McKinnon offered asylum in Tehran

President Ahmadinejad offers McKinnon $5 million, Iranian citizenship and four delectable teenage wives in return for those enigmatic Pentagon launch codes he hacked into...

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Prince William 'sleeping with rough trade' cover-story blown

Royal protction squad officers were forced to admit it took 30 of them to man the watch as Wills 'shagged some old tramp' under Blackfriars Bridge - for charidee.

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Sea The Stars' stud career off to rocky start

The champion three year-old came over 'all gay' this weekend when confronted with the shagging of Irish broodmare Balalaika at the Coolmore Stud. The Magniers are demanding their money back!

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Gary Glitter appointed Mistress of the Bedchamber in New Year Honors

The move follows anti-discrimination policies at the Palace giving equal gong rights to minorities such as perverts, paedos, sickbags, nutjobs and other House of Ratzinger members.

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Tiger Woods to be Companion of Dishonor in New Year gongs list

The Queen was apparently so mesmerised at all that heroic shagging that she's given the gong to Tiger as a bit of a 'come-on' invite into her royal bedchamber. Don't know who's the more pathetic.

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

New Year gong for Cherry Bush

The ex-Prime Monster's wife, accomplice and alibi is to be made a Dame Grand Double Cross of the Sacred Military Constantinian Order of St George Bush.

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Madoff moved to jail nuthouse

The $66bn fraudster apparently tried to top himself after Feds found the missing $$$s in an Al Qaeda bank account. Tiger Woods is teetering on bankruptcy.

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

O'Bama Defends Afghanistan Timetable

Too late - Gates and Clinton have already usurped it.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Sumatra's New Leader

Some guy named Frank has apparently taken charge over the government of Sumatra.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Best Boy Getting Married Live On News

NBC Nightly News says ABC News jumped the shark with their story about NBC Nightly News jumping the shark!

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

He's Loose Again!

Transylvania issues a thirty torch alert after alarm goes off at Castle.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Both Alleys In Clinics

Kirsty Alley's sister, Thirsty Alley has a whole set of different problems.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

New Lottery Not Working

Not too many gambling on the new Kentucky Moe Howard Pick Two lottery ticket with $25 payout.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

You Could Be Right

Democrats move from the far left of center to the extreme far far left.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Poland's first Ferrari dealership opens

Last month's massive crude oil find in Gdansk has seen newfound billionaires demand their very own Rodeo Drive. Over 500 612 Scaglietti models are on order as Polish spending out-binges the Saudis.

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Cherry Bush files for divorce

The move follows video evidence showing Tony was Tiger Woods' top UK shag.

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Cops search London home of Detroit terror suspect

10 Downing Street was subjected to a rigorous probe as police followed up FBI clues that identified this as bomb suspect Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab London's main residence.

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Stars & Stripes flying upside down at US ambassador's residency

Regents Park neighbors reckon it's only one step away from Ambassador Louis Susman flying his true colors - the Skull & Crossbones!

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Hampstead Heath Boxing Day naked skinny dip turns nasty

Hundreds came to the annual Mixed Bathing Pond bollox-freezing ritual despite the water being drained off for desludging. Probably still too pissed from Xmas Day to even notice it was gone...

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Charlie Sheen drug tested after domestic rumpus

Aspen cops report finding 'significant' levels of blood in his cocaine supply. Mrs Sheen says it's just a symptom of the cracks that have begun appearing in their 2 year marriage.

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Pope attack heroine Susanna Maiolo tells shrinks she ain't crazy

She's just owed five years' child maintenance by the fetid old tightass who has reneged on all child support payments in the wake of Madoff ponzi scam losses.

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Pope shat himself as Lady In Red knocked him for six

Susanna Maiolo, 25, dealt Old Papa Ratzi a karmic blow in St Peter's Basilica in reprisal for this year's Hitler's Pope sainthood trick. Some fetid Nazis still just don't get it...

written by queen mudder, 26 December 2009
Rating:

WMD discovered in Italy

Susanna Maiolo, who holds dual Swiss and Italian nationality, has been indentified as a Weapon of Mass Disruption when she had a game of 'Papal Skittles'at St Peter's Basillica, late Thursday evening

written by IN SEINE, 26 December 2009
Rating:

"I Don't Know!"

Monastery kicks out Cardinal Byrd and Abbot Costello though they only pointed toward First Base, Second Base and Third Base with a shrug.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Nick Griffin Gives His Support to DEFRA

Nick Griffin, fully commends the efforts of DEFRA and the Welsh Assembly in banning over 60 various creatures that pose a threat to Britain's indigenous species. He has no objection to blackbirds.

written by IN SEINE, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Anger Management Needed

Study shows that continued anger as bad for you as cigarette smoking, being overweight. Over 10,000 people a year die during traffic jams, after hearing cell phones ring in theaters, libraries.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Baby Seal Found in Lake at Buckingham Palace

A baby seal was found in a lake at Buckingham Palace. The Windsors have adopted the aquatic mammal. The Queen loves him as he plays with her corgis. He is now known as the 'Royal Seal of Approval'.

written by IN SEINE, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Handy To Have Around

Former servart reveals that not only did he have to squeeze Prince Charles toothpaste out, he also had to jiggle "Little Charles" after he peed.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

The Mormon Bachelor

A new version of "The Bachelor" to air in 2010 and on "The Mormon Bachelor", all the ladies win!

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Narrow Miss

Astronomers say that newly discovered meteorite will come close enough to the earth to cause everyone with hair to have that Robert Pattinson look.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Global Warming

Over 100 Haitian immigrants arrive safely to Florida on big piece of iceberg.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Like Kids After Cigarettes, Liquor

Lots of customers already asking people outside of McDonalds to add their order to theirs, as the restaurant is first to disallow anyone over 300 pounds to enter..part of the new health care plan.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Tibet Protesters

Tibetan Holy men march in protest against Chinese occupation, 'Monk' going off TV.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Another Competition

S&M group will gather in Detroit on the second of January to elect their "Miss World Of Hurt" for 2010.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Buy Your Own

Funeral Home says that they will no longer provide free hand baskets at crematorium.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

2010 Changes

Oregon has declared the medical use of marijuana to be legal. California's Governor Schwarzenegger legalizes steroids.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Mancs are wanks

Were it not for how rich the Manchester United Football club is, they'd not be able to buy their wins. Or so a bloke from Liverpool told me.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

A Nigerian man found your wallet

If you call him and identify yourself - you know, full name, address, date of birth and social security number - he'll return it to you. Oh, he'll need your credit card pin, too. Just to be safe.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

A frightening night

It was reported that an Englishman, making love to his wife last night, looked down in concern and asked if she was all right. She said she was, and asked why he asked. He said, "Well, you moved."

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Pope-Diving Out Of Hand!

Susanna Maiolo, who dived on top of Pope Benedict XVI, dragging him to the floor Christmas eve, was the second year in a row for her. "She's a part of new Pope-Diving group", says official.


written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Knew There Was A Catch

Holiday firms slash prices on sunshine trips in price war. Consumer advocates urge customers to read fine print about sharing Hotel rooms with other families.


written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

No Earthquake

Citizens of Los Angeles were reassured yesterday that what they felt was not an earth tremor but Kirsty Alley shutting refrigerator door.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Queen At Tesco

Photo apparently showing the Queen shopping at Tesco, not a good sign for British economy.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Obama Mortgage Program Failing

The government shouldn't reward liars. But that's the effect of changes to the Obama administration's failing program to help homeowners modify their mortgages. $125 a month for 100 years not working.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Foaming At Mouth Stage

Radical Yemeni cleric believed unhurt in air strike by US. Now even madder that ever, say family & friends.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Blizzards Predicted

Forecasters warn of continued blizzards in Plains. Former President loads up family and leaves home in Georgia upon hearing the news.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Mrs. Claus furious

Santa came home late from his world wide gift delivery. And smelling of perfume. "It's that floozy in Vladivostok who bakes cookies for you just the way you like them, isn't it?", she asked.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Santa ignored the Irish

For the 400th straight year, Father Christmas has failed to bring the Irish what they asked for - which was, as always, the rapid expulsion of the bloody Brits.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Jewish child sad about Christmas

He wishes he could celebrate it too, and get presents that are cooler than dradles. However, since his parents have not accepted Christ, this is not to be.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Fans Throw Foam

The foam hands came flying in from every corner onto the court in dozens of frisbee-style arches late in the Cavaliers' victory over the Lakers. "You had to hand it to them!", stated LA Coach Jackson.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Mithras enjoyed his 3,409th birthday

Born in 1,400 B.C., the Sun God spent his latest birthday doing as he's done these past few decades, creating global warming. It's believed this is in retaliation for us not worshipping him any more.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Woman In Red

Pope in good shape 2 days after Xmas scare after being ran over by ghost of Christmas pants.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

NKorea Weapons Smugglers

North Korea weapons smugglers left trail around world by not securing them properly.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Charlie Sheen Arrested

Charlie Sheen spent the better part of Christmas Day in a Colorado jail cell after being arrested on domestic violence & piss-poor acting allegations.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Did you know?

Raising chickens in your basement to supplement your food supply is a lot harder and more expensive than you'd think. Don't ask me how I know!

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

GOP Changing Tune

GOP lawmakers change tune on costly health plans. Now singing "Take This Health Bill & Shove It".

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Did you ever wonder why...

...the Germans didn't protest over the camps? Well, wonder no more, they kept quiet for the same reason Americans do. For not wanting to be sent there.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Why no fluff news about Palin?

Where is the fluff news about Sarah Palin's Christmas? How's Bristol doing, or who is she doing? How's little Trig? Was "he" invited? Retarded minds want to know!

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

$162 million lottery prize still unclaimed

Mainly due to the winner preparing to meet the 438 relatives he never knew he had, hear from every past friend from pre-school on up, and to have every ex lover who dumped him call in remorse.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Kids these days!

A Dutch man's teen girl was missing, and she turned up on some island, still trying to sail around the world! Why can't kids just get stoned like we used to?

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Obama is weak

If Bush were in power, we'd have already bombed Iran, and probably two more unrelated nations just for drill.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Better living through modern chemistry

The Israelis have discovered that the judicious application of white phosphorous is handy for keeping pesky civilians in occupied nations in line.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Ask your doctor...

...if Dreamian is right for you! Side effects include anxiety, hair loss, impotency, suicidal thoughts and should not be taken if you are pregnant, or are a member of a species that can get pregnant.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Corporations shocked

A recent study shows that no human on Earth can read the fine print that flashes briefly in the TV commercials. A spokesman expressed grief that any consumers may have been not fully informed.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

$ 6 Million Dollar Payday for Mortgage Execs

It's a Free for all!

'Tis the season to be jolly fa la la la laaa la la la la.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Passenger Ignites Small Device On US Plane

Chertoff requests additional $ 15 Billion to "fight terrorist threats."

Who is that elephant in the bedroom?

written by Richard DagNabbit, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Gates Proposes $ 2 billion dollar fund for unstable countries

When questioned what he proposes for financially unstable US citizens, he replied "higher taxes".

Who is running this country anyway?

written by Richard DagNabbit, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Detroit Big Three to favor other minorities

No longer will cars be named after Native Americans, like the Jeep Cherokee or Aztec. Now, other minorities will be included. Look for the new 2010 Ford Wop and Chrysler Yid at dealerships near you!

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

While you worry this Christmas...

...about your house being foreclosed on, Obama is in Hawaii, kicked back, and being praised by all the failed businessmen he bailed out with your money. You know, the guys who laid you off.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Jon Bonet's dad looking for the "real killer"

After he announced that he was looking for the real killer, Mr. Ramsey's mail box was flooded with 4,277 mirrors, mailed to him from all over the country.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Drug dealer punished in New York

At a school in Commack, a ruthlessly depraved 10 year old girl was suspended for distributing peppermint oil. The 1st hit was free, after that she made the others sell their bodies for fixes.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Taliban dumb as ever

They have a GI prisoner, and instead of offering to return him if those in Gitmo are treated according to the Geneva Convention, they pose him and ask for prisoner releases.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Keeps Him Out Of Trouble

North Korea agrees to delay starting World War III if Warner Brothers will provide Kim with complete collection of cartoons.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Give It Some Thought

Illinois procrastinators say they will adopt a wait and see attitude before agreeing or disagreeing with question of detainees being shipped to their state prison.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Luiguini Retires

Vinnie "the paper cutter' Luiguini retires to spend more time with the fishes.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Meeting Of The Minds

Miss USA, Miss America and Miss Universe meet to see how they can insure world peace.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Against Change

Poll shows that the "Old Stick-In-The-Mud" contingent voted 95% against any planned changes in last election.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Support Same-Sex Marriages

New poll reveals that nine out of ten divorce lawyers think same sex marriages should be legal.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Obama & Al-Qaida?

Rush Limbaugh says that President Obama may have connections with al-Qaida, using six degrees of separation rational.

written by Bureau, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Your mom knows...

...she knows that the big dinner she made for you all was not worth it. Your "thank yous" were hardly reward enough, nor were those lame gift cards. Expect her to abandon you all by March.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

You are missing the office Christmas party

The Christmas party that you were told was not being held this year is going on right now, and everyone is having a great time. No, it was not a mistake, they just don't want you there.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Christmas dinner did not make you fat

No, your fat makes you fat. Quit blaming one meal for your years of sloth and gluttony.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Some get married on Christmas

Yes, these attention whores are trying to make it all about them, and screw the baby Jesus. What a shame they're going to hell for that.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Scrooge marathon today

Today, some TV channel is showing every single movie that has ever been made about "A Christmas Carol". It is expected that it will be January 17th before they are done.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Unlike 19th century England...

...in Obama's America Bob Cratchett did not get his job back, and Tiny Tim still has no healthcare. Ebeneezer Scrooge did get a $1.2 billion bail out, though.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Romero pisses on his own vision

"Land of the Dead" portrays a zombie sympathetically, and worse, shows it capable of thought. This has offended Living Dead Purists, quite as much as other director's "fast zombies" did.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Gift exchange

Of course the gift you got your wife costs more than the one she got you. That's because she doesn't actually love you any more. Frankly, she never did.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Sorry, birthday kids!

To all those who's birthday is today, you have my deepest sympathy. I know your cheap bastard family and friends are getting you one gift for both occassions.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Garth Brooks tired of his daughters

The man who said he retired to spend more time with his daughters is now out of retirement. "They bored me.", he said.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Set a crook to catch a crook...

E! is having the fashion police bust various celebrities. And who better to do this than one of Hollywood's oldest and ugliest? Joan Rivers is excited at this opportunity.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Prisoner updates Facebook

"So, just chillin', gettin' raped pretty routinely, food still sucks, and I still think my lawyer screwed me. Hope your holiday is better than mine!"

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Charlie Sheen in jail for DV

However, his publicist claims it's a mistake. "She just wouldn't listen, is all", the publicist said.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Experts agree, Kwanzaa is pathetic

A made up holiday. Enough said.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

It's not there

You can stop looking under the tree, loser. The job you wanted for Christmas is not there. You're unemployable.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
Rating:

Fannie, Freddie to receive unlimited bail out

Obama says that if 400 billion dollars isn't enough, he'll give them even more tax dollars. So relax. Even if you lose your house, at least you don't have to worry about the foreclosers being hurt.

written by Alexandria177, 26 December 2009
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