Spoof news snippets from Friday 25 December 2009
So some Swedish Nazis want to commit acts of terror in Sweden...uh...what for? I mean, really, this is a nation in which everyone basically lives for free with all provided. What's to change?
Swedish Nazi Terror group steals sign?
The Auschwitz sign theft was allegedly to help fund Swedish Nazis commit terror acts. Uh...Swedish terrorists? Isn't that kind of like Irish brain surgeons or German chefs?
El Paso, Texas is very safe and peaceful
"We keep our crime rates staggeringly low.", says their Mayor. "We do this by outsourcing our crime to Ciudad Juarez next door. Mexicans can sell drugs, hits and underage girls cheaper than we can."
Terrorist tries to blow up plane
A guy too incompetent to light flammable powder on a plane, was bright enough to evade all the rigorous airline security we all suffer through. Security was busy having women take off their shoes.
Jane Fonda wants to visit Afghanistan
"I want to see that guy the Taliban captured.", she said. "So I can assure the world he's fine, and that the Taliban are a great bunch of guys."
Salvation Army Major shot
The Major was killed in a robbery. A spokesman for the SA promises that their response will be "swift and brutal". The Major was unarmed at the time, in spite of being a veteran bell ringer.
Priest's Collars Altered
Pope Benedict XVI orders all priest collars to have shock device should they get too close to kids.
Over 500,000 Chihuahua dogs recalled by Mexico as they are a threat to roll over.
Republicans Appeal Votes?
Republicans threaten to take legality of House, Senate vote on health care bill to the Supreme Court, even judges on American Idol, because of vote-buying.
Attention WWII Vets!
The History Channel may close soon as almost all old Hitler films shown nearly 100 times.
Bonds Answers Questions
Barry Bonds, cornered by baseball enthusiasts demanding to know about steroid use, turns green, tosses them around like scarecrow on Oz.
Could Buy Cuba?
George Steinbrenner accused of making deal with Somali pirates to help Cuban baseball players reach the US.
Higher Ground More Costly
Warning by Al Gore that sea levels could rise ten feet causes penthouse prices in Miami to shy-rocket.
Pakistan permits third sex ID
Now instead of choosing "male" or "female", transvestites and hermaphrodites can choose a third sex on their IDs. Says the government, "This will make it easier to find and stone them later."
"Swift Boats Afloat", A Poem
Kerry floats plan to visit Tehran, once the rain in Spain has fallen mainly on the plain.
New Stallone Movie?
Sylvester Stallone agents dealing for a new movie with producers off to a rocky start.
Saddam Got Asylum
Revised Report: Saddam Hussein paid Libya $3 billion for asylum. "He got it", say Gaddafi, "He's in a hole back there behind the tent with a 24-hour guard.
ID Theft Ring Broken
Huge Identity Theft Ring broken! Officers say that if they hadn't been wearing those 'Identity Thief' rings, they would have never been able to identify them.
Those that hate 'hate crimes' for new group promoting hate for 'hate crimes' but several say they hate the whole idea.
Vote On Hold
Several politicians may miss final vote on health care bill after Senator Byrd's lit birthday candles sets off cold sprinkler system.
No More Prescriptions
One paragraph in the new health care bill overlooked by many is that politicians can be bought over the counter.
Bishop Asks People to Live out Their Dreams
The Bishop of somewhere has challenged people to live out their dreams for Christmas 2009 and beyond. Many politicians have men doing this for years - with the help of the few taxpayers!
They're At It Again
Pope said to be doing fine and Cardinal rushed to the hospital apparently OK as woman in red runs over both and then crashes into Tareq and Michaele Salahi before being caught.
Shit In Lincoln's Lap In DC
Wrestler Hulk Hogan out doing outlandish things in order to become controversial.
"What Is All This Stuff?"
Local Man with metal detector digs up town's time capsule that they buried last year.
Toughest In The World
Strength of US Army downgraded after looking at tough schedule. Have to play Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran and possibly, North Korea while on the road.
US Military Drops Pregnancy Ban
Recruiting for Maternity Ward personnel goes through roof.
Billy Had His Fun
In new book, Jimmy Carter writes that, in cleaning out his late brother Billy's estate, they found over one hundred copies of a self-published "Ventriloquism For Dummies".
The 3AM Call
Sarah Palin, in her first interview with Diane Sawyer, stated that if she got the 3AM call at the White House, it would probably just be Larry Flynt again.
Scientists now think that most people get Swine Flu after eating like pigs. Warn of big rush to hospitals after holidays.
High-flying buzzard shits..I'm sorry, that should be Holiday blizzard hits much of Midwest
"Just Takes A Minute To Answer"
According to a new survey, 20% of all auto accidents are caused by people answering surveys on cellphone while driving.
There is a man sadder than you
Rather than read snippets on X-mas, he's watching a marathon of Brady Bunch shows, including "A Very Brady Christmas". But if you now go and check to see if there is such a thing, than you're sadder.
Christmas in Gitmo
Obama's election has come and gone, as has this year now come and gone. And just like all the other years, you will remain with no trial, no respite from torture, and no hope. Merry Christmas.
SMU Rolls in First Bowl Game Since 1984
NCAA launches investigation as to whether boosters recruited more than 40 semi-pro players to play for the team.
So you need to call your mistress and wish her a Merry Christmas - at least you do, if you want to have more merriment with her in 2010! So tell the wife you have to go to the store for more egg nog!
Soon Christmas will be over, your kids will be back in school, and you'll be at work, away from your nagging wife.
PGA Tour to Rewrite Personal Code of Ethics
Fearing backlash from Tiger exploits, the PGA Tour is having John Daly and Boris Becker re-write the Tour's Code of Ethics and Standards of Personal Decorum.
Your instincts will be right
Later on today, your Uncle will seem to hug your wife for too long. You're right, he is, and for the sleazy reasons you think. Worse yet, your wife doesn't actually mind.
Hillary, Barbara Walters, etc., "Women of the Decade"
Yawn. Naming those ones is like saying "Moscow" and "Petersburg" when asked to name your favorite Russian cities. It doesn't count when you're just naming the only ones you know.
Good news for users!
The "surge" is expected to drop heroin prices, as there'll be more soldiers to guard the poppy fields of our warlord "allies"! Obama sacrifices soldier's lives, and passes the savings on to YOU!
The "Poncyious Pope" in his Chrissy speech promise the world will be HETRO free by 2035
The Pope delivered the sensational news that in 2035 the world will be virtually HETRO free. Thank GOD he prayed as global Gays and Lesbians fell to their knees and sucked and blowed!
BNN News Suggests Jesus was Personally Wealthy
He probably had a substantial investment portfolio with Goldman Sachs and when he found out what the account management fees were, he tossed their tables. That turned out to be a very bad move.
Did you know...?
That the health plan to be rammed down our throats next year will be as disastrous as the kooks claim? But in keeping with tradition, we'll all wait ten years before admitting it.
The World wonders...
Will 2010 be the year the Americans realize they are as much a has-been as Britain? Two nations with a billion plus people each, and weapons and technology greater than America's, wonder too.
Christmas in space
"Sure I'm away from my family!", says a NASA astronaut. "But that's not half as sad as launching from Russia, and riding with a Japanese guy, as our space program sucks so hard!"
Christmas at the White House
There is no Christmas there. As a communist Kenyan, Obama only celebrates Labor Day and Kwanzaa.
Christmas at YOUR house
Are you still reading these? Dude, it's Christmas! If this is how you entertain yourself, maybe you should go start your car and sit in it with the garage door shut.
"Looks In Window At Night"
Eighty-year-old Alabama woman gets a restraining order from judge as she claims she's being stalked by Elvis.
U.S. General causes irony overload
The U.S. has criticized the Taliban for their treatment of a captured GI, making him appear on a website. Apparently we would be happier if they waterboarded him, like civilized nations do.
Late Night Not Working
Placing alcohol ads, showing certain shows only after 10PM not helping youth, according to study. "It's the parents who go to bed at 10PM."
Christmas at the shelter
At the homeless shelter, several church groups are going to stop by to drop off used clothes, some fruit cake and candy canes. This will make them feel less guilty for still having jobs and homes.
Christmas at grandma's nursing home
Grandma's pretty lonely, as you all won't see her today. She's going to have processed turkey slices for lunch, and later see the staff stuck there today perform a holiday skit. Nice.
Pelosi Tells Newsweek She Doens't Care if Citizens Don't Like Her
Spoken like someone who believes she is untouchable and probably is.
Christmas in the 'burbs
Tanner, age 11, is racing through the opening of his many presents, most of which he won't remember later this afternoon. He'll focus instead on how he did not get the one thing he "really" wanted.
Christmas in Alabama
Today is a holiday, and 12 year old Amber's step daddy has an extra special treat for his little girl. He's hid it in a stocking. Enough said.
Christmas in the hood
Today is no different than usual for little Trey. He'll be sitting on the stoop while his mommy turns tricks inside to score some crack from his "uncle". He is actually unaware that it's X-mas.
"Cold Turkey" cures your hangovers and gets rid of those pesty rests!
The recipe for Chrissy hangovers is "COLD TURKEY" Amy Winehouse discovered her recipe whilst totally pissed and stoned, puked it up and offered it to the world!
Christmas in Obama's America
This year, thousands of kids must be satisfied with Christmas cards, instant fudge by mom, and a promise from dad that next year things will be better. Like when the factory hires him again.
Mrs. Sumner celebrates Christmas
This year, like the past 23, the eccentric old lady down the street is treating her 11 cats to actual canned cat food, instead of the dry stuff. She enjoys making X-mas special for her only friends.
Man uses new hand lotion this year
A lonely man living by himself in a one room efficiency has treated himself to a new kind of hand lotion for Christmas. He is using it right now, to give himself some solitary pleasure.
Joseph is puzzled
"Geez, Mary, that kid don't look anything like me.", said a local carpenter in the early hours today. "And what's with all these shepherds and foreigners hanging around?"
The baby Jesus thanks 47 million of you
This year, baby Jesus can stay warm in his manger, as he received 47,348,442 "Snuggies" from his loyal followers. He likes this better than the 38,558,323 Rubik's Cubes he got in 1980.
No Tiger Story Today?
Lawmakers in Washington ask tabloids to crank up the false reports to get people stirred up again. "They all look asleep out there", claims Senator.
A Bad Sign
Time travelers report that anyong going into the future past 2020 never return.
Merry Christmas - your family despises you
Mainly because you are still reading silly snippets by me, instead of logging off and sharing Christmas with your family. You're a net addict. Really, reading this now makes you one.
International Space Station rocked by a late season tornado!
Rumor says Sayid to die on "Lost"
But long term viewers are unconcerned. It's been noted that everyone on the island has "died" several times, not the least in an atomic holocaust. "Guess it's just Sayid's turn again.", said a fan.
Internet Protectors Study Released
Report: Your internet protectors may be blocking information that would help you own a bigger penis, fortune in Nigerian bank.
Attorneys hired by Democrats to dig into Sarah Palin's background check find hidden booty.
Mother Of Czars
President appoints Mother-In-Law Czar to 'keep an eye on the old lady while we are on vacation. She'll serve like a companion.'
More than 100 teenagers launch snowball attack on police patrol car. Police may make arrests from video recorded. "We have got to stop it before it has a snowball effect", says Captain.
Too Many Goodies
Winter storm, big Holiday guts start to spread across US Midwest.
Aid To Freddie & Family
Treasury removes aid cap for Fannie and Freddie and the rest of the Farkel Family including Simon & Garfarkel.
Not Much Bounce
Jobless claims, goods orders, under inflated basketballs signal modest rebound.
Obamas salute military in their Christmas message but fail to first come to attention.
Guitarist for Janis Joplin's Big Brother band now playing riffs on a harp.
Gene Simmons' Attack
Couple sues Gene Simmons over alleged attack. "That tongue was all over me", states the woman.
Change In US Military
Pregnant soldiers in war zone won't be punished, neither will their babies.
No Japanese, Chinese Agreement
Japanese and Chinese scholars have failed to narrow their differences over modern history, including the 1937 Nanjing Massacre, 2008 Olympics, during a joint study that aimed to soothe strained ties.
Bunch Of Jackasses
Donkeys escape from live nativity scene in Colo. Republicans blame Democrats.
Pope Ran Over
Pope delivers Christmas blessing after fall and being ran over by a member of his flock.
Nick Griffin Pleased with His Christmas Present
BNP leader, Nick Griffin, is said to be 'over the moon' with his new Christmas present. A colleague gave him one of those new HP cameras which does not see black faces.
Ireland's Bishop Shortage More Serious Than Thought
The Roman Catholic denomination is facing a dearth as 2 more Bishops resign over sex allegations."If the trend carries on, the denomination will become extinct in 2010." Said a Vatican spokesman today
1 in 6 People Carry Faulty Gene That Increases the Risk of Heart Disease
Scientists believe that 1 in 6 people carry the faulty gene that increases the risk of heart disease. However, this gene is not found in politicians. Therefore the answer is to become a politician.
Free TV Licences for over 70s Will Bankrupt BBC
By the year 2012 there will be that many over 70s that there will be not have enough revenue to fund the BBC and it will have to close.
Smokers to Be Given Free Music to Help Them Quit
Smokers are to be given free music to help them quit smoking in the New Year. However, the very well-known classical piece of music comes from the Hamlet Cigar commercials, popular in the early 70s.
Angelina Jolie Claims That Fidelity Is Not Important to a Successful Relationship
Angeline Jolie claims that fidelity is not important for a successful relationship. "So, Tiger Woods got it wrong!" She allegedly said.
"Not in My Backyard!"
A neighbour of Nicole Kidman has objected to the planting of Leylandii around the perimeter of the 140 acre smallholding. He owns a modest 2500 acre station - so it's hardly going to affect him,is it?
The Pope was unbalanced an 'apparently unbalanced woman' as he led midnight Mass in the Vatican. She yelled; "father forgive me!" But the Pope still had her arrested by the Vatican Guard.
Dizzy Madoff Treated for Hypertension
Apparently his gold neck chain weighed so much it was strangling him.
385 Pound Kirstie Alley Hates To Drive
Kirstie Alley, who weighs 385, says that she is getting to where she hates to drive. Kirstie reveals that when she parks in her driveway and starts to get out of her car, it invariably sticks to her.
The Dance Group Formerly Know As The Radio City Rockettes
Due to the continuing downward slide of the nation's economy New York's Radio City Rockettes are having to downsize. Their new name will be The Radio City Pebblettes.
Conan O'Brien - The Man And His Horrendously Untrained Hair
Conan O'Brien does not realize it, but his hairdo is actually outlawed in three states.
Heather Mills aka "The Lean Dancing Machine"
Heather Mills has appeared on America's 'Dancing With The Stars' and will soon appear on Britain's 'Dancing on Ice.' Mills has said that after DOI, she will appear on Nepal's 'Dancing Up Mt. Everest.'
The Return of The 83-Year-Old Hulk Hogan
Hulk Hogan who is 83, has agreed to wrestle Richard Simmons with one arm tied behind his back in a special match to benefit The Sidesaddle Riders of West Hollywood.
Who exactly is running the US?
Well, it surely isn't O'Bama
Lawmaker Targets Loud TV ADS
Exempts Political Campaign Ads in the legislation.
32 years after Chaplin's death...
...and after reviewing the 1,900 pages of reports that J. Edgar Hoover had on him, the FBI has come to the preliminary and tentative conclusion that perhaps he need not have been deported.
Stockton, CA Reaps Results of Gun Control Efforts
Now Cambodian gangs rule the streets of Stockton, kidnapping and whacking off fingers and ears of their victims. They send the body parts to the families of their victims to get ransom $$.
How great it's fall
The Pravda, on-line in English, is little more than a tabloid with the standard mix of Jew-baiting, UFO sightings and isolationist crap that abounded in American rags in the fifties.
Sad. Very sad.
The only thing sadder then you - yes, YOU - reading these silly snippets when you could be having fun with your family is the fact that I'm busy writing them. We need lives. You first.
Gates and Clinton Tell Truth for a Change!
When asked what the real problem is exactly, they both chimed in unison "there are still some that won't play our usury games."
Yep. that really does say it all.
Media wonders - why do people think we're "left"?
Slate, the newszine, has wrote a story about the Virgin Mary not being a virgin. While that's been asked for 2,000 years, they thought two days before X-mas was a good time for bringing it up again.
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