Order by:
Rating:

Columnist advocates murder

A NY Times columnist is upset that Iran is trying to have the weapons that America has had and used for over half a century. He advocates aerial bombing of such facilities, and damn the civilians.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Nicholas Cage's lawyer defends him

It's reported that Cage did nothing deliberately, and that all the money squandered was simply due to his stupidity.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Woman knocks down former Nazi

An 82 year old former member of the Hitler Youth was knocked down in church recently. Pope Benedict is reported to be unharmed.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Uganda to reward homosexuals

Cancelling their death penalty for homosexuality, they now offer free food, clothing and shelter, plus all the homosexual sex the person wants for life. In specially guarded facilities. Really.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Nerds Drool

Ghost of Christmas Future tortures nerds by showing them a personal robot maid sometimes in the far future.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Sarandon denies dating rumors

Susan Sarandon vigorously denies rumors she's dating a rich guy half her age. She just invested in his ping pong club for her well known love of America's favorite table top sport.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Brittany Murphy's coffin 1 foot wide

You are not to draw any conclusions from that.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Woman Floors Pope

Pope is celebrating the traditional Christmas Mass, despite being knocked down by a woman at the start of the service in St Peter's Basilica. Explains she was in a hurry to see the Pope.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Not Easily Done

Prsident Obama congratulates Harry Reid for shepherding his healthcare reform through the Senate with only $500 million in bribes.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

At It Again

The Senate approves President Obama's health care program, 61 to 41. They then ask Tareq and Michaele Salahi to leave the Senate floor.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

The Clock Is Ticking

The Congo announces a very ambitious man-on-the-moon plan for the next five years.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Bernie Madoff learns the "rules"

Bernie was treated for facial bleeding and broke ribs. When asked if he was beat, he denied it, saying he fell out of bed. His cell wife confirms this.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

What's it take to get out of Iraq?

Corporal Eddie Vitelli is sad. Having got seven bimbettes playing soldier pregnant, he hoped to be home by X-mas. But now it's okay to screw around in Iraq, and the only penalty is staying.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Safety Measure

Obama Administration admits to monitoring the internet for suspicious non-contributing public.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

No One Will Stop Mercedes.

Suicide bombers ask for better make of cars as they would like to go out in style.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

No more female soldiers

"We treated them like real soldiers, with penalties for pregnancy and acting like they were responsible.", said General Thorpe. "But the women's groups say we should treat them like children."

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Woman Jumps Pope - Scores TKO

The woman, after scoring the TKO, was informed that her punishment would be 20 years of forced living in the U.S.

She has started an appeal to St. Lucifer claiming cruel and unusual punishment.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Overused Phrases Retired

2009 Overused Phrases Retired. Latest to get the old heave ho: "paradigm shift" "24-7;" "Do the math" and "The old heave ho."

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Protesters On Video

President Obama admits that FBI films people in the Tea Party opposing his health care plan. "We're just making sure they don't hurt themselves."

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Iran Drops Hint

Iran leader tell Diane Sawyer that now would be a good time for Americans to clean up that old fallout shelter from the early '60's.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Suicide Planet

Houston warns that the chunk of ice once known as the planet Pluto headed this way and mad as a hatter.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Big Freeze Was Predicted

Reporter reveals that everyone who went to the global warming conference in Denmark told to dress warmly.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

A Reassuring Thought

Joe Biden says sending more troops to Afghanistan does not weaken the US elsewhere. "We could fight on 50 fronts, if we need to. Just send a nuclear warhead in 50 different regions."

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Midterm Elections

Both parties anxious over 2010 mid-term elections as crooks lead outlaws by only a close margin.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

VP Choice Questioned

President Barack Obama tells Diane Sawyer that choosing choosing Joe Biden for his VP was a No-Brainer.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

People Nervous Over Pills

Poll shows that the Number one cause of people having to take medicine for their nerves is the fact that they are so anxious about having enough money to pay for the pills.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Line Out The Door, Down The Street

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi says that increased traffic going to doctors for Medical Marijuana use will help pay cost of new health care bill.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Joint Conference

President Obama announces a special joint conference on the legalizing of medical marijuana.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Confidence Down

Consumer confidence at lowest point in America since July, 4th, 1776.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Do What?

Tug grounds on same reef as Exxon Valdez tanker as Joe Biden advises placing a lighthouse out there.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Santa goes on strike

Having read "Atlas Shrugged" this past summer, Santa decided to not give away his productive effort to the billions of looters world wide.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Christmas Eve is approaching

Remember, Brinks reports more break ins this time of year then any other. If you see something fat wearing red, shoot first.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

NORAD to waste money 54th consecutive year

Santa tracking has been done by NORAD for over half a century, with volunteer laborers using equipment paid for with your tax dollars. Yet they couldn't stop Arabs crashing into the WTC.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

SAP (socks and pants) presents are out (just like that poofy Rugby player) pink tangas are in for Dads!

Dads wishing to show their feminine side are rejecting SAP presents this year and demanding pink sexy tangas, etc. Thankyou that arsehole banging Welsh Rugby poof! Men my Butt!!!

written by Jaggedone, 24 December 2009
Rating:

O'Bama: End of Struggle Near on Healthcare Battle

Prez O'Bama stated that the nearly 100 year old battle on how the US would reform Healthcare is almost over. Insurance companies will now be allowed to make more profit for providing less services.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Nancy Pelosi Changes Mind: Face Transplant Instead of Face Lift

Nancy Pelosi announced that the Health Bill wars have taken a toll and its time for a full face transplant. "A simple lift won't do it" said Pelosi, "I would end up looking like a stretched prune."

written by Richard DagNabbit, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Woman calls 911...

...about the distressing fact that her husband would not eat his dinner. Said the husband, "Had I ate her cooking, I'd have been the one to call!"

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Favre - Childress Dispute Resolved!!

Childress will sit and Favre will play AND coach.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Christina Aguilera Has Fender Bender; Body Menders Line Up to Submit Offers To Repair

Christan Aguilera is reporting having been in a fender bender. Apparently her derriere suffered a dent on her left butt cheek. Body and paint experts are lining up to do the repair work.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 24 December 2009
Rating:

US Senate Passes Helath Care Bill!

The 1,250+ page bills outlines the plan to deny all US citizens any health insurance by 2012. It does of course, provide excellent insurance for elected representatives and the military.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 24 December 2009
Rating:

US Congress Raises Debt Ceiling to 12.4 Trillion Dollars

Once again, those funny politician found some fool chumps to buy US debt!

written by Richard DagNabbit, 24 December 2009
Rating:

It's Another Masterpiece

Andy Warhol drawing of refrigerator door that was stuck on refrigerator door, sells for $110,000.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Defies Logic

Congressional bill that would allow each congressman an extra aide passed before it is introduced.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Pure Syrup Selling

Both Canada and the state of Vermont say that their natural maple syrup is selling like hot cakes.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Posters Could Help

A full 50% of Americans say they don't know their ass from a hole in the ground, proper toilet etiquette.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Reaching Across The Aisle

Democrat Senators, bribed over voting for health plan & offered to share with Republicans, turned down. "You just can't please some people."

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

SANTA IS DEAD

Police: Santa Yitzak Claus was found dead this morning in a Helsinki hotel room. It appears the death was by accidental strangulation. Elf being questioned. Christmas is cancelled. Geese reprieved.

written by JP Johnston, 24 December 2009
Rating:

She Hugged Me!

Sympathetic GP who hugged crying patient is cleared of sexual assault. Thousands who have appeared on the Oprah Show watched verdict closely.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Two Hours Early

Christmas Eve Midnight Mass is moved to 10pm to give the Pope 'time to rest'. "To paraphrase Jimmy Buffet, 'It's 12 O'clock
Somewhere'!", jokes Benedict XVI.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Barack The Jester

'Hi, this is Barry from DC': Barack Obama prank calls colleague on radio show. "I put bird seed on top of your car three hours ago."

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Man Eating Tiger

Man jailed for eating rare tiger. Argues that it was "well done!"

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Snoopy Top Dog

Snoopy named top dog in pop culture. Edges out Scooby Doo, Scoop Doggy Dog, Madonna.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Vocano Holdouts Removed

Filipino troops rush to move holdouts from volcano and the virgins they have kidnapped.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

They Have The Best

US anti-drug effort in Afghanistan criticized as drug addicts plan huge march on Washington this Spring.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Yemen Battles Al-Qaida

Battle against al-Qaida stepped up in Yemen as officials close ten terrorist training camps.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Ready To Celebrate

Obama prepares for family holiday. Sends mother-in-law to nursing home.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Most Pirated Film

"Star Trek" is the most-pirated film of 2009. They're being shown by pirates for free, all over Somalia.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Man Surrenders

Man in wheelchair surrenders after Virginia standoff..or rather, sitoff!

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

The Evil Pediatrician

More than 100 could be victims of child-abusive pediatrician Parents ask that he be given the "Pinata" treatment from all the kids.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Vaccine Recalled

Nearly 5 Million Doses of Nasal Swine Flu Vaccine Recalled as nation asks everyone to get back in line.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Carter Apology

Ex-President Carter offers apology to Jews. "I'm sorry you're all Jews."

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Senate OK's Health Plan

Senate OKs health care measure, reaching milestone. millstone around our necks.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Madoff Sent for Medical Help

The imprisoned Madoff was sent to the infirmary for medical assistance today. The Doctor later reported that his wallet had been lifted while signing an investment plan developed by Madoff. Doh!

written by Richard DagNabbit, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Your dog is not very loyal

Every time I'm over at your house, having sex with your wife while you work, your dog wags his tail and barks joyfully at me. Then he fetches your remote control for me.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Spanish Police Sieze Ship with $ 600M of Cocaine

Later in the day it was reported on the street of Seville and Barcelona that undercover cops were dropping the street price immediately on cocaine.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Could "Angels and Demons" suck more?

No. An assistant to the Pope doesn't think he's Godly enough so detonates a bomb over the Vatican after killing a few Cardinals in a bid to be the Pope. Sad that Hanks thinks this is how it works.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Jews discover New York Times reporter in Montana

Though you'd expect to find such in NY, a group of Jews announced that a reporter for the Times was seen in Montana. They've no idea why this is news, but there you have it.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Anthropological discovery

It has been discovered that 800,000 years ago, Homo Erectus had seperate spaces for kitchen work and tool making work. Proving that even half brained hominids know where women belong.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Amber plots revenge

Little six year old Amber is mad as hell at Santa for not bringing her a pony last year, and she's not going to take it any more. She's setting out poisoned cookies and milk.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

The Grinch

The Grinch was going to steal Christmas this year, but he saw that the ACLU and the Retailers of America beat him to it.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

The Butterfly Effect

On the night of your conception, the phone rang, throwing your dad off stride. The sperm that was to be you - a good looking, smart and successful one - did not make it to the egg. You did.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

"Hangover" steals all but the humor

"Hangover" stole everything from the movie "Very Bad Things", but forgot to also steal the humor. Some losers take "roofies", which don't make them pass out, just forget. You'll wish you could.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Grade B movie with Grade A budget

"District 9" is out on DVD, violating all the scifi movie rules. It has no explanation for why aliens live in slums, or how alien and human DNA mix, or how one alien can pilot a million crew ship.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Christmas curtailed

Approximately 1.2 billion men have filed restraining orders against Santa this year, prohibiting him from creeping into their house, stealing milk and cookies, and typically, kissing their wives.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

'Tis some seasons

'Tis the season for many minority faiths, such as Islam or Judaism. Or even made up ones like Kwanzaa. However, public places are still protected from Christian nativity scenes.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Girl sues school for right to self-abort

A pregnant girl sued her high school as they didn't want her playing on the volleyball team. She won her right to dive onto her belly. She retains the right to sue if there is a miscarriage.

written by Alexandria177, 24 December 2009
Rating:

No Mideast Peace

"No chance of peace in the Middle East unless everyone moves out", determines Secretary of State Clinton.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

They're Back

Couple that crashed White House party hit Al Gore's Green Holiday Party. Present with fake "2000 People's Choice" Award.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

More Rolling Blackouts

Schwarzenegger says that California could have rolling blackouts this winter also. However, every time the blackout moves, someone in that sector gets a free suit.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

More Porta-Potties

New York City rolls out still more pay toilets around Manhattan as first group all rented out to artists.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

You Want Polish Fries With That?

French petition the United Nations to make it illegal to call chips, "French fries". "Our chefs are offended."

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

911 Dinner

Woman calls 911 when husband refuses to eat dinner. "If I eat it, I'll be calling you!" yells husband from other phone.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Franken Can't Hold Back

After quiet first months, Franken's sharp forked tongue emerges in Senate. "You're all a bunch of clowns!"

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
Rating:

Closes Montana Company

President Obama recalls all caramel popcorn & peanut packages with the free handgun.

written by Bureau, 24 December 2009
« Nov 2009 December 2009 Jan 2010 »
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3rd
84
4th
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8th
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10th
95
11th
86
12th
137
13th
90
14th
82
15th
97
16th
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17th
65
18th
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19th
84
20th
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