Spoof news snippets from Thursday 24 December 2009
Columnist advocates murder
A NY Times columnist is upset that Iran is trying to have the weapons that America has had and used for over half a century. He advocates aerial bombing of such facilities, and damn the civilians.
Nicholas Cage's lawyer defends him
It's reported that Cage did nothing deliberately, and that all the money squandered was simply due to his stupidity.
Woman knocks down former Nazi
An 82 year old former member of the Hitler Youth was knocked down in church recently. Pope Benedict is reported to be unharmed.
Uganda to reward homosexuals
Cancelling their death penalty for homosexuality, they now offer free food, clothing and shelter, plus all the homosexual sex the person wants for life. In specially guarded facilities. Really.
Ghost of Christmas Future tortures nerds by showing them a personal robot maid sometimes in the far future.
Sarandon denies dating rumors
Susan Sarandon vigorously denies rumors she's dating a rich guy half her age. She just invested in his ping pong club for her well known love of America's favorite table top sport.
Brittany Murphy's coffin 1 foot wide
You are not to draw any conclusions from that.
Woman Floors Pope
Pope is celebrating the traditional Christmas Mass, despite being knocked down by a woman at the start of the service in St Peter's Basilica. Explains she was in a hurry to see the Pope.
Not Easily Done
Prsident Obama congratulates Harry Reid for shepherding his healthcare reform through the Senate with only $500 million in bribes.
At It Again
The Senate approves President Obama's health care program, 61 to 41. They then ask Tareq and Michaele Salahi to leave the Senate floor.
The Clock Is Ticking
The Congo announces a very ambitious man-on-the-moon plan for the next five years.
Bernie Madoff learns the "rules"
Bernie was treated for facial bleeding and broke ribs. When asked if he was beat, he denied it, saying he fell out of bed. His cell wife confirms this.
What's it take to get out of Iraq?
Corporal Eddie Vitelli is sad. Having got seven bimbettes playing soldier pregnant, he hoped to be home by X-mas. But now it's okay to screw around in Iraq, and the only penalty is staying.
Obama Administration admits to monitoring the internet for suspicious non-contributing public.
No One Will Stop Mercedes.
Suicide bombers ask for better make of cars as they would like to go out in style.
No more female soldiers
"We treated them like real soldiers, with penalties for pregnancy and acting like they were responsible.", said General Thorpe. "But the women's groups say we should treat them like children."
Woman Jumps Pope - Scores TKO
The woman, after scoring the TKO, was informed that her punishment would be 20 years of forced living in the U.S.
She has started an appeal to St. Lucifer claiming cruel and unusual punishment.
Overused Phrases Retired
2009 Overused Phrases Retired. Latest to get the old heave ho: "paradigm shift" "24-7;" "Do the math" and "The old heave ho."
Protesters On Video
President Obama admits that FBI films people in the Tea Party opposing his health care plan. "We're just making sure they don't hurt themselves."
Iran Drops Hint
Iran leader tell Diane Sawyer that now would be a good time for Americans to clean up that old fallout shelter from the early '60's.
Houston warns that the chunk of ice once known as the planet Pluto headed this way and mad as a hatter.
Big Freeze Was Predicted
Reporter reveals that everyone who went to the global warming conference in Denmark told to dress warmly.
A Reassuring Thought
Joe Biden says sending more troops to Afghanistan does not weaken the US elsewhere. "We could fight on 50 fronts, if we need to. Just send a nuclear warhead in 50 different regions."
Both parties anxious over 2010 mid-term elections as crooks lead outlaws by only a close margin.
VP Choice Questioned
President Barack Obama tells Diane Sawyer that choosing choosing Joe Biden for his VP was a No-Brainer.
People Nervous Over Pills
Poll shows that the Number one cause of people having to take medicine for their nerves is the fact that they are so anxious about having enough money to pay for the pills.
Line Out The Door, Down The Street
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi says that increased traffic going to doctors for Medical Marijuana use will help pay cost of new health care bill.
President Obama announces a special joint conference on the legalizing of medical marijuana.
Consumer confidence at lowest point in America since July, 4th, 1776.
Tug grounds on same reef as Exxon Valdez tanker as Joe Biden advises placing a lighthouse out there.
Santa goes on strike
Having read "Atlas Shrugged" this past summer, Santa decided to not give away his productive effort to the billions of looters world wide.
Christmas Eve is approaching
Remember, Brinks reports more break ins this time of year then any other. If you see something fat wearing red, shoot first.
NORAD to waste money 54th consecutive year
Santa tracking has been done by NORAD for over half a century, with volunteer laborers using equipment paid for with your tax dollars. Yet they couldn't stop Arabs crashing into the WTC.
SAP (socks and pants) presents are out (just like that poofy Rugby player) pink tangas are in for Dads!
Dads wishing to show their feminine side are rejecting SAP presents this year and demanding pink sexy tangas, etc. Thankyou that arsehole banging Welsh Rugby poof! Men my Butt!!!
O'Bama: End of Struggle Near on Healthcare Battle
Prez O'Bama stated that the nearly 100 year old battle on how the US would reform Healthcare is almost over. Insurance companies will now be allowed to make more profit for providing less services.
Nancy Pelosi Changes Mind: Face Transplant Instead of Face Lift
Nancy Pelosi announced that the Health Bill wars have taken a toll and its time for a full face transplant. "A simple lift won't do it" said Pelosi, "I would end up looking like a stretched prune."
Woman calls 911...
...about the distressing fact that her husband would not eat his dinner. Said the husband, "Had I ate her cooking, I'd have been the one to call!"
Favre - Childress Dispute Resolved!!
Childress will sit and Favre will play AND coach.
Christina Aguilera Has Fender Bender; Body Menders Line Up to Submit Offers To Repair
Christan Aguilera is reporting having been in a fender bender. Apparently her derriere suffered a dent on her left butt cheek. Body and paint experts are lining up to do the repair work.
US Senate Passes Helath Care Bill!
The 1,250+ page bills outlines the plan to deny all US citizens any health insurance by 2012. It does of course, provide excellent insurance for elected representatives and the military.
US Congress Raises Debt Ceiling to 12.4 Trillion Dollars
Once again, those funny politician found some fool chumps to buy US debt!
It's Another Masterpiece
Andy Warhol drawing of refrigerator door that was stuck on refrigerator door, sells for $110,000.
Congressional bill that would allow each congressman an extra aide passed before it is introduced.
Pure Syrup Selling
Both Canada and the state of Vermont say that their natural maple syrup is selling like hot cakes.
Posters Could Help
A full 50% of Americans say they don't know their ass from a hole in the ground, proper toilet etiquette.
Reaching Across The Aisle
Democrat Senators, bribed over voting for health plan & offered to share with Republicans, turned down. "You just can't please some people."
SANTA IS DEAD
Police: Santa Yitzak Claus was found dead this morning in a Helsinki hotel room. It appears the death was by accidental strangulation. Elf being questioned. Christmas is cancelled. Geese reprieved.
She Hugged Me!
Sympathetic GP who hugged crying patient is cleared of sexual assault. Thousands who have appeared on the Oprah Show watched verdict closely.
Two Hours Early
Christmas Eve Midnight Mass is moved to 10pm to give the Pope 'time to rest'. "To paraphrase Jimmy Buffet, 'It's 12 O'clock
Somewhere'!", jokes Benedict XVI.
Barack The Jester
'Hi, this is Barry from DC': Barack Obama prank calls colleague on radio show. "I put bird seed on top of your car three hours ago."
Man Eating Tiger
Man jailed for eating rare tiger. Argues that it was "well done!"
Snoopy Top Dog
Snoopy named top dog in pop culture. Edges out Scooby Doo, Scoop Doggy Dog, Madonna.
Vocano Holdouts Removed
Filipino troops rush to move holdouts from volcano and the virgins they have kidnapped.
They Have The Best
US anti-drug effort in Afghanistan criticized as drug addicts plan huge march on Washington this Spring.
Yemen Battles Al-Qaida
Battle against al-Qaida stepped up in Yemen as officials close ten terrorist training camps.
Ready To Celebrate
Obama prepares for family holiday. Sends mother-in-law to nursing home.
Most Pirated Film
"Star Trek" is the most-pirated film of 2009. They're being shown by pirates for free, all over Somalia.
Man in wheelchair surrenders after Virginia standoff..or rather, sitoff!
The Evil Pediatrician
More than 100 could be victims of child-abusive pediatrician Parents ask that he be given the "Pinata" treatment from all the kids.
Nearly 5 Million Doses of Nasal Swine Flu Vaccine Recalled as nation asks everyone to get back in line.
Ex-President Carter offers apology to Jews. "I'm sorry you're all Jews."
Senate OK's Health Plan
Senate OKs health care measure, reaching milestone. millstone around our necks.
Madoff Sent for Medical Help
The imprisoned Madoff was sent to the infirmary for medical assistance today. The Doctor later reported that his wallet had been lifted while signing an investment plan developed by Madoff. Doh!
Your dog is not very loyal
Every time I'm over at your house, having sex with your wife while you work, your dog wags his tail and barks joyfully at me. Then he fetches your remote control for me.
Spanish Police Sieze Ship with $ 600M of Cocaine
Later in the day it was reported on the street of Seville and Barcelona that undercover cops were dropping the street price immediately on cocaine.
Could "Angels and Demons" suck more?
No. An assistant to the Pope doesn't think he's Godly enough so detonates a bomb over the Vatican after killing a few Cardinals in a bid to be the Pope. Sad that Hanks thinks this is how it works.
Jews discover New York Times reporter in Montana
Though you'd expect to find such in NY, a group of Jews announced that a reporter for the Times was seen in Montana. They've no idea why this is news, but there you have it.
It has been discovered that 800,000 years ago, Homo Erectus had seperate spaces for kitchen work and tool making work. Proving that even half brained hominids know where women belong.
Amber plots revenge
Little six year old Amber is mad as hell at Santa for not bringing her a pony last year, and she's not going to take it any more. She's setting out poisoned cookies and milk.
The Grinch was going to steal Christmas this year, but he saw that the ACLU and the Retailers of America beat him to it.
The Butterfly Effect
On the night of your conception, the phone rang, throwing your dad off stride. The sperm that was to be you - a good looking, smart and successful one - did not make it to the egg. You did.
"Hangover" steals all but the humor
"Hangover" stole everything from the movie "Very Bad Things", but forgot to also steal the humor. Some losers take "roofies", which don't make them pass out, just forget. You'll wish you could.
Grade B movie with Grade A budget
"District 9" is out on DVD, violating all the scifi movie rules. It has no explanation for why aliens live in slums, or how alien and human DNA mix, or how one alien can pilot a million crew ship.
Approximately 1.2 billion men have filed restraining orders against Santa this year, prohibiting him from creeping into their house, stealing milk and cookies, and typically, kissing their wives.
'Tis some seasons
'Tis the season for many minority faiths, such as Islam or Judaism. Or even made up ones like Kwanzaa. However, public places are still protected from Christian nativity scenes.
Girl sues school for right to self-abort
A pregnant girl sued her high school as they didn't want her playing on the volleyball team. She won her right to dive onto her belly. She retains the right to sue if there is a miscarriage.
No Mideast Peace
"No chance of peace in the Middle East unless everyone moves out", determines Secretary of State Clinton.
Couple that crashed White House party hit Al Gore's Green Holiday Party. Present with fake "2000 People's Choice" Award.
More Rolling Blackouts
Schwarzenegger says that California could have rolling blackouts this winter also. However, every time the blackout moves, someone in that sector gets a free suit.
New York City rolls out still more pay toilets around Manhattan as first group all rented out to artists.
You Want Polish Fries With That?
French petition the United Nations to make it illegal to call chips, "French fries". "Our chefs are offended."
Woman calls 911 when husband refuses to eat dinner. "If I eat it, I'll be calling you!" yells husband from other phone.
Franken Can't Hold Back
After quiet first months, Franken's sharp forked tongue emerges in Senate. "You're all a bunch of clowns!"
Closes Montana Company
President Obama recalls all caramel popcorn & peanut packages with the free handgun.
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