Spoof news snippets from Sunday 20 December 2009
Atomic The Clown
Clown in Pittsburgh accused of wedging kids at birthday as commanded by the birthday party boy, receiving lots of tips.
VP Holding Grudge
President Obama says he's getting a little fed up with Dick Cheney doing jack-rabbit starts and wasting gas every time he thought Obama was looking.
If You Wondered
In South Africa today, the Hottentots told visiting tourists that they were generally hot-to-trot!
New York, California threaten to cut off supply of stars if rest of the US doesn't help them with financial problems. 48 answer: Please do.
Another writer's strike possible in Hollywood as writers say they can't come up with enough crap fast enough.
US Kids Ahead
US kids way ahead of those in other countries in game and movie rentals. Tenth grade viewing at 12th grade levels.
Obama Makes A Bad Move
President Obama fires the White House chief gardener after staff left a rake under the snow and he stepped on it. Secret Service men carry him, still bent, inside.
Jonathan Ross Recommends Number One Single
TV presenter, Jonathan Ross, has allegedly said; "I thwowelly wecommend Wage to be number one this Christmas." It is not clear whether he was talking about a pop group or his salary.
Sacked Teacher Says; "There Is a God after All!"
The teacher who was sacked for praying for a sick pupil has admitted that there is a God after all and she thanks him "for getting her out of the chaos that is called OFSTED!"
Better Cushion Cool Seat
In an effort to cut down on electricity over the summer months, California Governor Schwarzenegger says that between May 31 and September 1st, clothing will be optional.
Eurostar to Move Most Vulnerable First!
It has been announced that 25 British MPs trapped in the Channel Tunnel, will be moved to France first. A French political spokesman said; "We don't want them over here - and as for expenses NON!"
Blacks prefer committing crimes on Blacks
Sociologists say that statistics show that blacks prefer committing crimes against each other with the perceived notion that society doesn't care.
The Supreme Court ruled Friday to Uphold the Franklin Decision, 7-4 with the Salahis, who had slipped in uninvited, split on the ruling.
Males are warned not to hang out with other males
By genetic nature most males are aggressive and competitive towards each other; it's advised that men only hang out with women to prevent other men from taking away their reproductive opportunities.
Lesbians vs. Real Women
Some lesbian brains are partially male in the hypothalamus unlike real women whose brains are 100% female and completely compatible with men for successful reproduction.
Lesbians vs. Lesbians
Some lesbians have a masculine hypothalamus while other lesbians don't but it's agreed the behavior is attributed to the entire brain, men should not reproduce with them to prevent lesbian daughters.
Tiger Wins One!
This week, Associated Press named Tiger Woods the "Athlete of the Decade." Tiger finished just ahead of President Obama for his opening day pitch for Major League Baseball.
Easy To Do
Bristol Ryan, a Las Vegas hooker now says that it may have been Ron Wood instead of Tiger Woods she's been seeing. "They do look alike", states Ryan.
Eye On Newt
A witch in Wales says she has her eye on Newt Gingrich to run in 2012 presidential election.
Kept To Himself
A really well-hung Phoenix, Arizona man found guilty of raping five men and sent to prison bringing loud complaints from guy in next cell.
Burial Space Needed
Britain is out of space in the cemeteries with government stocking bodies, according to officials Friday. Although Ireland has offered to help, many Brits say they wouldn't be caught dead in Ireland.
Censorship in The World Today
This article has been censored by the Department of Redundancy Department and the Department of Censorship
Polanski Finishing Up
Friend: Polanski finishing film under house arrest. "He's got a trio of 13-year-olds in there helping."
Snake Eat Rat World
Big Boa Constrictor dead say NYC police after finding remains of snake that had eaten two big rats before the rest of the pack got it.
A much weaker dollar has caused Chinese lead-coated junk to double in price, say economists.
Here You Are Buddy
The economy has become so bad that yesterday, people in Washington Square Park in NYC, say they saw a pigeon return a piece of popcorn to a homeless guy on bench.
Just A Collection
Part of John Kennedy's brain found upstairs at home of Ted Kennedy, his brother. Also, Lyndon Johnson's balls.
No Fear, Says Hillary
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that she is not worried that other countries will try to build missile shields. "Probably wouldn't work any better than our."
Mitch Speaks Out!
Senator Mitch McConnell says that Republicans are not against trying to save the earth from real global warming. "After all, we own more of it than the democrats."
Just Say No To Donuts!
President Obama threatens to close all doughnut shops as US police getting too fat to catch anyone.
Catfish with legs has evolutionists excited until they find he hails from Chernobyl.
Right Back At You
Hubble Telescope goes so far into distant star that it spots an alien Hubble type telescope.
Lagasse In USSR
Emeril Lagasse admits that he helped spy on the old Soviet Union. "Julia Child convinced me it would help my cooking."
BBC Caught Cheating in Viewing Figures Calculation
A chain of well-known electrical retailers have been caught setting all their TVs to BBC1 in a bid to boost the ratings for Strictly Come Dancing. BBC viewers = 11 million Actual viewers = 2 million
New Camouflage for British Army
The British Army are to be issued with new camouflage that includes a 'red & white tea towel'. "This is to confuse the Taliban!" Said General Sir Rupert Bear who is currently in Helmand province.
Not A Breakthrough
East Kentuckian, Amos Plumbob, invents the first automobile that runs on lignite coal.
Take A Number
Las Vegas first artist colony having little trouble finding nude models.
Mormon Family Lets Fly!
Mormon family of 37 admit that they are sick to death of each other!
Up & Downs
Yo-Yo Ma finally calms down after being told that "Yo MaMa" jokes not about him.
Not In A Monologue
David Letterman denies that he started the big penis rumor about himself.
Weather Pretty Humdrum
Texas hit with some of its most boring weather ever. "Storms just mosey through every once in awhile", says weatherman.
Loud Fart Agrees
Cherokee Chief Punctured Condom says that he is all for abandoning some Indian customs. "Especially one about being named for event at birth."
Palestinians, for the first time, say they will blow up and dispose of huge rock arsenal.
More Roving Blackouts
Governor Schwarzenegger says that California could have to return to roving blackouts next summer. Business people and burglars ask for schedules should this happen.
President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, gives his people a glowing report on the new nuclear plans.
CEO's Pay Scale
President Obama: Company CEO's make 500 times the wages of workers? And Politicians? "No records kept."
Chimps Used Tools
Report: Chimps used simple tools Six Million Years Ago! Mostly used them to play with, produce baby chimps.
Or Republicans On Elephants
Former President Jimmy Carter scattering peanuts all around his home in case terrorists conduct a Hannibal-like attack.
ADD In Adults,,Chickens
Percentage of adults with ADD even higher than kids with whatever I just said. Who's dog is that?
The CIA says that they are still hiring. "Our employment of spies is up 15%. At least 98% still on our side."
We Can 'Spin' Too
US factories claim that their smokestacks produce clouds, help blot out the sun and decrease global warming!
Bush Not Responsible
In new book, George W. Bush claims that he is not responsible for starting the war in Iraq. "Don't look at me, I lost in 2000! It was that Supreme Court!"
In order to attract a bigger audience, "Miss World Contest" title to be changed to "Miss 'The Big Bang'!"
Old Technology Best?
Ass recognition scheduled for security at all airports as copiers and butt-sniffing dogs brought in.
Robert Blake now being connected to the disappearance of Buckwheat back in 1959.
Lions Getting Desperate
Detroit Lions desperate as they sign two more armchair quarterbacks this morning.
Sorry, It Got Misplaced
CIA Emergency Bulletin about possible US attack on NYC buildings finally reaches Bush in Crawford, Texas.
Amazing Belt Buckle
The amazing belt buckle that expands with your waistline as you enjoy that Christmas blowout. Plus two free adult diapers so that you won't have to get up from the table.
Guilty As Charged
Men ARE better than women at parking: Feminist scientists proves what sexist motorists have known all along. "Well, who suggests 'parking' in the first place?"
Parents being 'misled' into thinking that children's fat-laden junk food is healthy. "It was what their mom and I ate and she lived to be 42! They say 39 is the average."
Blair On Tear
Tony Blair: It's only in Britain that people don't like me. In Sugar Ridge, Missouri, I'm like a god.
President Sarkozy has given his hot wife, Carla Bruni, a vibrator for Christmas. "You know.... for when I am away," said Mr. Sarkozy. "Oui, thank you.... who are you, again?" responded Mrs. Sarkozy.
Little Known Law
Moat MP Douglas Hogg won't repay thousands - because of the Norman law of 'bung hole'.
Grease Coming Through The Floor
"Since Tony was here so much of his time", Cherie Blair's new HQ is above McDonald's.
A Christmas Merger
The Grinch and Scrooge have merged. Look for the collected tales of "The Grinooge" at a bookseller near you.
The Odd Couple
David Irving is the 71-yr-old Right-wing historian who was jailed for 'glorifying' Hitler's Nazi Party. She is a young statuesque blonde who works as personal assistant. Both nutty as fruitcakes.
Jesus Agrees - Christmas is Overrated
HEAVEN - Jesus Christ has announced that he's sickened by all the fol-de-rol surrounding Christmas. "Jesus Christ, it's just a birthday. Get a grip, people!"
Fury Over Channel Breakdown
Fury at model Claudia Schiffer being freed before the others in channel breakdown. "She was the first one to draw my attention", says rescuer.
More Signs Of GW
More travel chaos as heavy snow forces airports to cancel flights as global warming takes its toll.
Mother Teresa A Big Bully?
Christian teacher lost her job after being told praying for sick girl 'was bullying'. "That Mother Teresa was the world's worst", says school board.
Climate Talks End
Climate talks end with eye on next year, the sky. "Looks like we could be having some weather soon", observes one rep on the way out.
Ready To Blow?
Major volcanic eruption is feared in the Philippines Mount Showoff!
Climate Change Effects
AP Poll: Most see climate change as serious. "We're certainly seeing a lot more bikinis in the summer", says Duluth Old-Timer. "That's a serious matter to me."
One Rough Neighborhood
Prison population to have first drop since 1972 as Obama frees 10,000 from gangs in his old Chicago neighborhood.
Boy Scouts: 100-Years Old
At 100, Boy Scouts say they're still 'essential'. "But at our age, we hardly go camping anymore, unless it's on the john."
China Positive About Whatever
China: Climate talks yielded 'positive' results for sometimes in the far future, we guess.
Iranian Dissident Dies
Iranian dissident cleric Montazeri, rest of his family, die a natural death.
The Cow Jumps over Sun in X Factor Bid
A 6-year-old Friesian cow from Cornwall, who would like to be a celebrity, jumped over the Sun newspaper in order to Simon Cowell.
Words Over Actions Again
Obama raced clock, chaos, comedy for climate deal which no one promised to uphold.
Fear of violence grows in mountaintop mining fight as brawl spills over onto mountain side.
No More Sqeezing In Backdoors
Evangelical church opens doors fully to gays, especially closet doors.
Malaysian wildlife authorities said they have rescued 130 pangolins and arrested two men attempting to smuggle the protected species, destined to be sold to restaurants, perverts and medicine shops.
Storm continues to wallop East Coast, heads north. People found with tongues stuck to "Stop Global Warming" signs.
Global Warming a fact, half of Europa is buried in snow!!
The perpetrators behind the global warming theory have been proven correct, half of Europe and the world is buried by icy SNOW, save the Polar Bears!
Who said "you can not teach an old dog new tricks!"
Faith, a 7-year-old dog born with no front legs has learned to walk on his hind legs - a feat in itself. It is indeed an astonishing sight; yet Faith has a new trick - he has learnt to cock his leg!
Esther Rantzen In World Record Bid
Esther Rantzen failed to win the world record for eating Brussels sprouts. She is still in the running for world's most flatulent woman.
Crash survivors spend six months in Hawaii
17 plane crash losers spent six months huddled on an obscure beach, unable to even make a fire, living off of coconuts. After six months, a Hawaii State Trooper found them four miles from town.
The Real Reason
A presidential memo indicates detainees at GITMO are being moved to allow real dangerous people to be held there. These are rabid environmentalists, animal rights crazies & bio-diversity fanatics.
Heath Care Reform Snow Job
Will Senate Majority Leader Reid get his Quorum on Saturday? One inch of snow paralyzes Washington DC area traffic, let alone a predicted 20 inches. There is a pajama party planned at the Capitol.
Thank the NTSB for the installed seat belts in your car. While driving and listening to the spin put on the results of the Copenhagen summit, loss of vehicle control will be prevented.
Iranian forces went into Iraq & seized an oil well. Iran's President Ahmadinejad went on TV, defending the action saying "it is the only olive oil well in the Middle East & the Iraqi's won't share!"
Major League Politics
What if President Obama played for the New York Yankees, with such a low batting average as his first year political accomplishments? He would be sent to the Yankees Toledo Turkey's farm club.
History May Repeat Itself
What do Benito Mussolini and Hugo Chavez have in common? Nothing, except they may both be remembered for being hung upside down by their heels!
Up to 20 or more inches of snow are likely along the US East Coast! All the hot air was left in Copenhagen, such that global warming produces global cooling. Ain't junk science wonderful?
Copenhagen Summit Ends in Turmoil
US environmental groups flew home on private jets, polluting the air. They cried all the way home submerging many small islands. Once home a big stink will be made about results not being good enough!
New Health Care Reform Supporters
Senate Majority Leader Reid wants environmentalists to support the Senate health care reform bill. He says "the bill has provisions to put green power back into the US electric transmission grid."
Sarah Palin says that if she does become the first female President of the United States, she has a very important place in her cabinet for Tina Fay.
The next Twilight movie, "Twilight: The Eclipse" will be subtitled "The Vampire Strikes Back".
Big China Discovery
200 Million Year-Old small mammal discovered in China. Doing fine except for a little arthritis in it's knees.
"Squeal Piggy Squeal"
"The Muppets Do Deliverance" the next movie for the Sesame Street crew as Miss Pigy will play the part played by Ned Beatty.
Ali Family Guests Of The Foremans
Mohammed Ali's daughter knocks out George Foreman's son in fight over who got the first burger off the George Foreman grill. "It's that rope-a-dope all over again", states Foreman.
Putin & Rasputin
Vladimir Putin said today that he did not have anything to do with the poisoning of the writer last year, although he is related to Rasputin on his mother's side.
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