Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 2 December 2009
Tiger Woods Says He's Sorry for Cheating On Wife
"I'd like to apologize to my family...and all of my illegitimate kids everywhere."
Obama Relies On Biden
Obama says VP Joe Biden will probably do a Santa Claus for his youngest daughter. "He did a great 'Pluggo The Clown' at her birthday."
Blobby Williams has new biography out
Robbie Williams' new biography, "My Cheesy Wotsit Hell" is out now. It explains why he is such a fat useless tosser, and how this causes him to inflict his painfully egoistic dirges on the rest of us.
The Least Spark!
Tiger Woods has paid his fine, a whopping $164, for reckless driving. His last citation was in 2001 for farting in a "No Fart" blasting zone.
"What Scared Her, Mommy?"
Just out in time for Christmas, Mattel Toys has brought out its new release, "The Permanent Raised-Eyebrows Barbie Pelosi".
Joe To Make His Mark
Joe the Plumber says he will now attempt to write a book about his experiences during the 2008 presidential campaign, as soon as he learns to write.
Kinda Like Near Beer
The astronauts are still trying to work out the kinks in the new urine recycling unit. So far, they say the closest way to describe it is "Near Piss".
Black Friday OK!
According to the stats, Black Friday did well last week but orders are still down for big chicken items. I'm sorry, that should be, big ticket items.
It's A Jungle In There
Latest study reveals that growing up in a violent world often leads to movies and TV shows about violence.
Phelps New Book
Michael Phelps, the many metaled Olympic Swimming Champion, has released a new book about his experiences in the 2008 Olympics, "The Suitless Rudder Effect".
Outbreak Of Dung Lung Recorded
A methane gas plant that converts manure to usable methane gas that exploded in Honeypott, Washington, last year has recorded 19 cases of Dung Lung already.
Polanski Still Unhappy
Swiss to place Polanski under house arrest Friday. Discovers today that he will actually be required to stay under the house.
Bob Dole: "Bob Dole Has Signed Up"
The Pfizer Company say that they have resigned Bob Dole and a Boa Constrictor to do commercials for their purple pills before they go generic next year.
Revised Hitchhikers's Guide Books Say 42 Isn't The Answer
The new number is 69
Retailers Looking For Wednesday Motto!
New York Post: "Black Friday," "Cyber Monday", "Two-For-Tuesday" Holiday sales are up from last year.
Are We Too Late?
United Nations Global Warming Team: The world has three...two days to change before we all die a hideous death.
That Explains That
Head Shriner says that masonic symbol on dollar bill means "I love Grandma, puppies and kitties".
Gun Shop Answers
Gun shop that sold guns to mentally ill said they had no choice, as the customer held the gun on them until they sold it.
Rumsfeld Adds Criticism
Donald Rumsfeld says Barack Obama stupid for sending more troops into Afghanistan. "The oil is in Iraq, Duhhh!"
Blow By Blow
Taliban match Obama's 30,000 more U.S. troops in Afghanistan with 30,000 suicide bombers.
Cheney: You Have To Have Heart
Former Vice President Cheney says that Obama doesn't have the heart to go full-steam into battle.
Fart Or Go Blind!
Afghanistan/Iraq observers optimistically pessimistic after the President's speech last night.
Obama sends 30.000 troops to Afghanistan whilst US Funeral Parlours jump for joy!
Obama in his wisdom (?) sends 30000 xtra troops to Afghanistan whilst in US Funeral parlours there is no sign of recession, more, more and more!
Scientists discover wearing the right "Genes" determines mens "Longevity"
Scientists have proven that wearing the right "Genes" and not ethnic background determines the length of male "Longevity" If you are a baggy, coloured "Gene" wearer chances are you must strap it up!
Those Approached Could Blow Up
Hare Krishna's invited back into airports after judge ruling say it's too dangerous.
State Police Reports: Rednecks drinking too many longnecks caught in our neck of the woods.
No Complaints Yet
Nancy Pelosi: "No letters received yet complaining that we're burning all registered Republican's mail."
Will Advise Kim Jung Il
First clown to be cloned reported by North Korean team of mad scientists.
California's New TV Laws
California Mandates TV Sets be more energy efficient, watchers be less fat as Governor Schwarzenegger confiscates all remotes.
Tiger Old Fashioned
Tiger Woods tells caddy friend that he had string tied to gate trying to hit gas, pull a bad tooth.
Dittohead Chief Under Attack
New ocean species discovered that feeds on Oil, Sewage and Garbage chase Rush Limbaugh back up on beach in Florida.
CIA Lacking Skills
The CIA is still lacking on language skills, according to a new report. Most only know English, Morse and Pig Latin.
Byrd Still Got It
92-year-old Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia says that his mind is just as sharp today as when he was two years old.
Captured Somali pirate tells captors that one reason he turned to piracy is because of lack of education. "I don't even know the three Arrrrrrrrss!"
Whoa There Big Boy!
Coroner that did the autopsy on Virginia racehorse in the hospital with a massive hernia.
Axe, Pink Slips, Burn Up
Emplyees at Toledo, Ohio burn own office to the ground after hearing "When the axe falls" from boss for a solid week.
Obama's Message To Taliban
President Obama sends strong message to Taliban: "Hang in there for three more years and we'll be gone!"
Not Me, You Convict Him
'Mafia boss' John Gotti avoids conviction for a FOURTH time after New York jurors fail to reach verdict, next life.
Why Women Live Longer
Why women live so much longer than men (And, no, it's not because they have an easier life!)(Still, it could be that 98% are not married to women.)
Scientist Who Faked Global Warming Stats Leaves
Scientist in climate change 'cover-up' steps down. Tip-toes away so no carbon footprints left except those on ass.
Cameran's Emissions Targets
David Cameron's 'fixation' with emissions targets will cripple the economy, claims David Davis. "Free Beano much less expensive!"
Not Badly Hurt But Very Vocal About It!
Gunman opens fire in shopping centre robbery as Santa Claus is hit in the grotto.
The Burglars' Code: Criminals chalk messages which pinpoint targets for other villains. Police point out sign: "No use stopping. We even got the kitchen sink."
Photographer May Be Arrested
Photographer questioned by police under anti-terror laws... for taking 'too many' pictures of town centre Christmas lights. "Could be planning to hide in tree branches", says officer.
Primary School Has 5 Students
Britain's smallest primary school has just five pupils (and NINE teachers). "Oh, they're a handful, those students", claims one of four janitors.
Black Screen Of Death
Windows 7 users hit by 'black screen of death' but company argues that death comes first, only making the screen look black.
Coming Out Of Wood Works
Tiger Woods hit by claims, clubs as ANOTHER affair in Las Vegas, as club promoter is named as 'mistress'.
Government Seizes Pool
Government seizes control of Royal Bank of Scotland's billion pound bonus pool. "They're have to go to YMCA like most others from now on."
School Formals Costing More
Cost of school formals soaring as teenagers want the new Adam Lambert designs.
North Korea's Designer Jeans
North Korea's first designer jeans on sale in Sweden. "Not enough room in the crouch", say some, ater found shot.
Bowden Bows Out!
FSU's Bobby Bowden to end 44-year coaching career! "May try coaching a little round ball for awhile!"
Cruise Ships Robbed
Three cruises cancel trips to Nassau after robberies as only the hulls, depressed passengers & crew return.
Little Richard Out Of Hospital
Little Richard is out of the hospital following hip surgery, promising to perform again. "Bap-bapped a-lu bopped" all the way to waiting limousine.
Homer & Family Celebrate 20 Years
'Simpsons' 20th anniversary special airing Jan. 10. OJ, Ashley, Jessica may guest star.
Monkey Business Discussed
Plan to breed lab monkeys splits Puerto Rican town. "Sure it would help population control but I'm afraid of the possible diseases", says Mayor.
No Global Warming Bill
Australia's Parliament defeats global warming bill. "Why worry about 100 years from now if Iran, terrorists go nuclear?", they reason.
GM CEO Resigns!
GM CEO resigns as board demands faster turnaround, better mileage!
Beware The Geeks Of November!
Electronics soar; clothing, luxury stumble in November sales. "There's a lot of naked geeks out there!"
"Time For Change" Forgotten
Speech Analysis: A war strategy with echoes of Bush, Kennedy, Johnson and Nixon.
Obama Tries Fairy Tale
Obama skims over some Afghan realities, like the Taliban being the "wee folk up in the mountains".
Honduran Leader Debate
Honduran lawmakers debate ousted leader's future and if he has one.
Texas Execution Defended
Jurors defend verdict that led to Texas execution. "You do the crime, you do the fry 'em" still the motto.
Tempers Flare In The Senate
Tempers flare as Senate debates health care! "Both sides will need health care after this fight", says Washington Post.
Our Feet Can Talk Says Psychologist
A British psychologist claims that our feet can talk! However, the Limbless Association have made no comment and remained silent about the issue.
Shoe Fly "Don't Bother Me"
The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush last year had a taste of his own medicine Tuesday when he nearly got beaned by a shoe thrower in Paris. "Copy Cat Shoe-Thrower" blamed.
Pink Diamond Sold
"Vivid pink" diamond sells for record $10.8 million. Buyer rumored to be Little Richard.
"Boss, I Crapped On Your desk!"
New $100 billion safety net for jobless in works as millions more ask to be laid off due to better benefits.
The Presidential Seal Missing
White House gate-crashers went without confirmed invitation. Never did get official hand stamp!
New Tough Policy
Vice President Joe Biden says the Obama administration's new surge-and-exit troop strategy in Afghanistan serves notice on the Karzai government will need to take over withing ten years.
Obama Ratings Drop
President Obama speech knocks out Charlie Brown Christmas, his ratings drop to 10%, below that of the Grinch.
Toilet Paper shortage in Houses of Parliament Mystery Solved
With so much crap being spoken of in the house of commons it is desperately being used up by MPs. They will have to use newsapers. However, Labour MPs will not use the Sun.
Accused White House Party Crashers Issue Statement About Party Invitation
The Obamas will not be invited to the Salahis Christmas party.
Enigmatic margin note in Origin of Species
In Charles Darwin's original copy, it has been found that he wrote, "I've a wonderful proof of this, but this margin is too small to contain it." Andrew Wiles has been asked to work on it.
Tiger had many affairs
A women claims she can prove an affair with Tiger; Now the world knows for sure, he is a Black man
Two disparate nerds believe they are brave
One is an atheist, the other a Christian, both convinced that they are brave. The one for making a stand against a "Xian Fundie Theocracy", the other for his stand in a "Godless Communist Hellhole".
Great Granddad's school book raises question
Timmy Butler, age 9, found grandpa's school history book from 1932. He wonders how the peaceful Native Americans that he learned of survived the attacks from the merciless savages the book spoke of?
Obama to end homelessness
Obama is solving the health care crisis by making sure that we must buy health insurance or face criminal penalties. He figures that next he'll mandate that the homeless have to buy homes.
A man's son has announced - at the age of 11 - his desire to be a doctor. But not just any doctor, a proctologist. The father is not sure what all that means, but is sure it cannot be good.
The more you know...
If there's alcohol in your system before you snort cocaine, you will get a high that is smoother and four times as long. This is due to the coke and alcohol forming coca-ethylene. Really, google it.
Shampoo and Conditioner - The eternal technology
Viewers of several thousand Hollywood movies have noticed that whether the movie is about ancient Greece, the Dark Ages, or a post-apocalyptic hell world, the women all have clean and soft hair.
Parents still buy affection
In spite of the recession, parents are still finding it easier to buy their brats overpriced junk, rather than spend any time with them. In fact, more time is spent shopping than with their kids.
Cialis feels need to warn you...
...that a hard-on pill does not protect you against sexually transmitted diseases. Were it not for you - yes, you - they'd not bother to state this obvious fact.
World's largest democracy snubbed
India's leader visiting Washington, D.C. took a back seat to a couple crashing the party. So much so that while you all know the name "Salahi", you don't know the name of the Indian leader.
Lonely man makes sure there's always change due
That way when the check out girl gives him his change, he gets a brief second of human contact as she drops it into his already closing hand. Besides his mom hugging him at X-mas, that's all he gets.
Persian cat foils police
The police are investigating a murder, and looking for a long haired old man, due to the white hair they found at the scene. This is fine with Ruffles the Persian cat, who is the real killer.
Granddad passes on sage wisdom
A granddad gave some invaluable tips to his grandson, who's a freshman at a local State U. "You can get a few more days use out of your socks by spraying them with Right Guard. Saves laundry costs."
The more you know...
Did you know that sprinkling the scene of a crime with horseradish screws up CSI's luminol tests? Yep, horseradish glows just like blood under those lights when luminol is applied.
New t-shirt causes controversy
Twisting an idea from The Onion, these shirts say, "Your religion is false, your job is for losers, your spouse is a cheater and your mom does donkey shows in Tijuana. And your favorite band sucks."
News about Israeli atrocities stops
Two reasons for the media silence about Israeli genocides and tortures were given. One, it's too routine, and after decades of it, it's no longer news. Two, the Jews control the media.
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