Order by:
Rating:

Tiger Woods Says He's Sorry for Cheating On Wife

"I'd like to apologize to my family...and all of my illegitimate kids everywhere."

written by Jalapenoman, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Obama Relies On Biden

Obama says VP Joe Biden will probably do a Santa Claus for his youngest daughter. "He did a great 'Pluggo The Clown' at her birthday."

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Blobby Williams has new biography out

Robbie Williams' new biography, "My Cheesy Wotsit Hell" is out now. It explains why he is such a fat useless tosser, and how this causes him to inflict his painfully egoistic dirges on the rest of us.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 02 December 2009
Rating:

The Least Spark!

Tiger Woods has paid his fine, a whopping $164, for reckless driving. His last citation was in 2001 for farting in a "No Fart" blasting zone.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

"What Scared Her, Mommy?"

Just out in time for Christmas, Mattel Toys has brought out its new release, "The Permanent Raised-Eyebrows Barbie Pelosi".

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Joe To Make His Mark

Joe the Plumber says he will now attempt to write a book about his experiences during the 2008 presidential campaign, as soon as he learns to write.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Kinda Like Near Beer

The astronauts are still trying to work out the kinks in the new urine recycling unit. So far, they say the closest way to describe it is "Near Piss".

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Black Friday OK!

According to the stats, Black Friday did well last week but orders are still down for big chicken items. I'm sorry, that should be, big ticket items.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

It's A Jungle In There

Latest study reveals that growing up in a violent world often leads to movies and TV shows about violence.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Phelps New Book

Michael Phelps, the many metaled Olympic Swimming Champion, has released a new book about his experiences in the 2008 Olympics, "The Suitless Rudder Effect".

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Outbreak Of Dung Lung Recorded

A methane gas plant that converts manure to usable methane gas that exploded in Honeypott, Washington, last year has recorded 19 cases of Dung Lung already.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Polanski Still Unhappy

Swiss to place Polanski under house arrest Friday. Discovers today that he will actually be required to stay under the house.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Bob Dole: "Bob Dole Has Signed Up"

The Pfizer Company say that they have resigned Bob Dole and a Boa Constrictor to do commercials for their purple pills before they go generic next year.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Revised Hitchhikers's Guide Books Say 42 Isn't The Answer

The new number is 69

written by Jalapenoman, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Retailers Looking For Wednesday Motto!

New York Post: "Black Friday," "Cyber Monday", "Two-For-Tuesday" Holiday sales are up from last year.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Are We Too Late?

United Nations Global Warming Team: The world has three...two days to change before we all die a hideous death.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

That Explains That

Head Shriner says that masonic symbol on dollar bill means "I love Grandma, puppies and kitties".

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Gun Shop Answers

Gun shop that sold guns to mentally ill said they had no choice, as the customer held the gun on them until they sold it.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Rumsfeld Adds Criticism

Donald Rumsfeld says Barack Obama stupid for sending more troops into Afghanistan. "The oil is in Iraq, Duhhh!"

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Blow By Blow

Taliban match Obama's 30,000 more U.S. troops in Afghanistan with 30,000 suicide bombers.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Cheney: You Have To Have Heart

Former Vice President Cheney says that Obama doesn't have the heart to go full-steam into battle.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Fart Or Go Blind!

Afghanistan/Iraq observers optimistically pessimistic after the President's speech last night.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Obama sends 30.000 troops to Afghanistan whilst US Funeral Parlours jump for joy!

Obama in his wisdom (?) sends 30000 xtra troops to Afghanistan whilst in US Funeral parlours there is no sign of recession, more, more and more!

written by Jaggedone, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Scientists discover wearing the right "Genes" determines mens "Longevity"

Scientists have proven that wearing the right "Genes" and not ethnic background determines the length of male "Longevity" If you are a baggy, coloured "Gene" wearer chances are you must strap it up!

written by Jaggedone, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Those Approached Could Blow Up

Hare Krishna's invited back into airports after judge ruling say it's too dangerous.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Probably Necking

State Police Reports: Rednecks drinking too many longnecks caught in our neck of the woods.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

No Complaints Yet

Nancy Pelosi: "No letters received yet complaining that we're burning all registered Republican's mail."

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Will Advise Kim Jung Il

First clown to be cloned reported by North Korean team of mad scientists.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

California's New TV Laws

California Mandates TV Sets be more energy efficient, watchers be less fat as Governor Schwarzenegger confiscates all remotes.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Tiger Old Fashioned

Tiger Woods tells caddy friend that he had string tied to gate trying to hit gas, pull a bad tooth.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Dittohead Chief Under Attack

New ocean species discovered that feeds on Oil, Sewage and Garbage chase Rush Limbaugh back up on beach in Florida.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

CIA Lacking Skills

The CIA is still lacking on language skills, according to a new report. Most only know English, Morse and Pig Latin.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Byrd Still Got It

92-year-old Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia says that his mind is just as sharp today as when he was two years old.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Pirates Uneducated

Captured Somali pirate tells captors that one reason he turned to piracy is because of lack of education. "I don't even know the three Arrrrrrrrss!"

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Whoa There Big Boy!

Coroner that did the autopsy on Virginia racehorse in the hospital with a massive hernia.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Axe, Pink Slips, Burn Up

Emplyees at Toledo, Ohio burn own office to the ground after hearing "When the axe falls" from boss for a solid week.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Obama's Message To Taliban

President Obama sends strong message to Taliban: "Hang in there for three more years and we'll be gone!"

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Not Me, You Convict Him

'Mafia boss' John Gotti avoids conviction for a FOURTH time after New York jurors fail to reach verdict, next life.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Why Women Live Longer

Why women live so much longer than men (And, no, it's not because they have an easier life!)(Still, it could be that 98% are not married to women.)

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Scientist Who Faked Global Warming Stats Leaves

Scientist in climate change 'cover-up' steps down. Tip-toes away so no carbon footprints left except those on ass.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Cameran's Emissions Targets

David Cameron's 'fixation' with emissions targets will cripple the economy, claims David Davis. "Free Beano much less expensive!"

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Not Badly Hurt But Very Vocal About It!

Gunman opens fire in shopping centre robbery as Santa Claus is hit in the grotto.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Burglar's Code

The Burglars' Code: Criminals chalk messages which pinpoint targets for other villains. Police point out sign: "No use stopping. We even got the kitchen sink."

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Photographer May Be Arrested


Photographer questioned by police under anti-terror laws... for taking 'too many' pictures of town centre Christmas lights. "Could be planning to hide in tree branches", says officer.


written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Primary School Has 5 Students

Britain's smallest primary school has just five pupils (and NINE teachers). "Oh, they're a handful, those students", claims one of four janitors.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Black Screen Of Death

Windows 7 users hit by 'black screen of death' but company argues that death comes first, only making the screen look black.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Coming Out Of Wood Works

Tiger Woods hit by claims, clubs as ANOTHER affair in Las Vegas, as club promoter is named as 'mistress'.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Government Seizes Pool

Government seizes control of Royal Bank of Scotland's billion pound bonus pool. "They're have to go to YMCA like most others from now on."

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

School Formals Costing More

Cost of school formals soaring as teenagers want the new Adam Lambert designs.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

North Korea's Designer Jeans

North Korea's first designer jeans on sale in Sweden. "Not enough room in the crouch", say some, ater found shot.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Bowden Bows Out!

FSU's Bobby Bowden to end 44-year coaching career! "May try coaching a little round ball for awhile!"

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Cruise Ships Robbed

Three cruises cancel trips to Nassau after robberies as only the hulls, depressed passengers & crew return.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Little Richard Out Of Hospital

Little Richard is out of the hospital following hip surgery, promising to perform again. "Bap-bapped a-lu bopped" all the way to waiting limousine.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Homer & Family Celebrate 20 Years

'Simpsons' 20th anniversary special airing Jan. 10. OJ, Ashley, Jessica may guest star.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Monkey Business Discussed

Plan to breed lab monkeys splits Puerto Rican town. "Sure it would help population control but I'm afraid of the possible diseases", says Mayor.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

No Global Warming Bill

Australia's Parliament defeats global warming bill. "Why worry about 100 years from now if Iran, terrorists go nuclear?", they reason.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

GM CEO Resigns!

GM CEO resigns as board demands faster turnaround, better mileage!

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Beware The Geeks Of November!

Electronics soar; clothing, luxury stumble in November sales. "There's a lot of naked geeks out there!"

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

"Time For Change" Forgotten

Speech Analysis: A war strategy with echoes of Bush, Kennedy, Johnson and Nixon.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Obama Tries Fairy Tale

Obama skims over some Afghan realities, like the Taliban being the "wee folk up in the mountains".

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Honduran Leader Debate

Honduran lawmakers debate ousted leader's future and if he has one.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Texas Execution Defended

Jurors defend verdict that led to Texas execution. "You do the crime, you do the fry 'em" still the motto.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Tempers Flare In The Senate

Tempers flare as Senate debates health care! "Both sides will need health care after this fight", says Washington Post.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Our Feet Can Talk Says Psychologist

A British psychologist claims that our feet can talk! However, the Limbless Association have made no comment and remained silent about the issue.

written by IN SEINE, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Shoe Fly "Don't Bother Me"

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush last year had a taste of his own medicine Tuesday when he nearly got beaned by a shoe thrower in Paris. "Copy Cat Shoe-Thrower" blamed.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Pink Diamond Sold

"Vivid pink" diamond sells for record $10.8 million. Buyer rumored to be Little Richard.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

"Boss, I Crapped On Your desk!"

New $100 billion safety net for jobless in works as millions more ask to be laid off due to better benefits.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

The Presidential Seal Missing

White House gate-crashers went without confirmed invitation. Never did get official hand stamp!

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

New Tough Policy

Vice President Joe Biden says the Obama administration's new surge-and-exit troop strategy in Afghanistan serves notice on the Karzai government will need to take over withing ten years.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Obama Ratings Drop

President Obama speech knocks out Charlie Brown Christmas, his ratings drop to 10%, below that of the Grinch.

written by Bureau, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Toilet Paper shortage in Houses of Parliament Mystery Solved

With so much crap being spoken of in the house of commons it is desperately being used up by MPs. They will have to use newsapers. However, Labour MPs will not use the Sun.

written by IN SEINE, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Accused White House Party Crashers Issue Statement About Party Invitation

The Obamas will not be invited to the Salahis Christmas party.

written by Gail Farrelly, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Enigmatic margin note in Origin of Species

In Charles Darwin's original copy, it has been found that he wrote, "I've a wonderful proof of this, but this margin is too small to contain it." Andrew Wiles has been asked to work on it.

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Tiger had many affairs

A women claims she can prove an affair with Tiger; Now the world knows for sure, he is a Black man

written by disciple, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Two disparate nerds believe they are brave

One is an atheist, the other a Christian, both convinced that they are brave. The one for making a stand against a "Xian Fundie Theocracy", the other for his stand in a "Godless Communist Hellhole".

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Great Granddad's school book raises question

Timmy Butler, age 9, found grandpa's school history book from 1932. He wonders how the peaceful Native Americans that he learned of survived the attacks from the merciless savages the book spoke of?

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Obama to end homelessness

Obama is solving the health care crisis by making sure that we must buy health insurance or face criminal penalties. He figures that next he'll mandate that the homeless have to buy homes.

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Father concerned

A man's son has announced - at the age of 11 - his desire to be a doctor. But not just any doctor, a proctologist. The father is not sure what all that means, but is sure it cannot be good.

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

The more you know...

If there's alcohol in your system before you snort cocaine, you will get a high that is smoother and four times as long. This is due to the coke and alcohol forming coca-ethylene. Really, google it.

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Shampoo and Conditioner - The eternal technology

Viewers of several thousand Hollywood movies have noticed that whether the movie is about ancient Greece, the Dark Ages, or a post-apocalyptic hell world, the women all have clean and soft hair.

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Parents still buy affection

In spite of the recession, parents are still finding it easier to buy their brats overpriced junk, rather than spend any time with them. In fact, more time is spent shopping than with their kids.

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Cialis feels need to warn you...

...that a hard-on pill does not protect you against sexually transmitted diseases. Were it not for you - yes, you - they'd not bother to state this obvious fact.

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

World's largest democracy snubbed

India's leader visiting Washington, D.C. took a back seat to a couple crashing the party. So much so that while you all know the name "Salahi", you don't know the name of the Indian leader.

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Lonely man makes sure there's always change due

That way when the check out girl gives him his change, he gets a brief second of human contact as she drops it into his already closing hand. Besides his mom hugging him at X-mas, that's all he gets.

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Persian cat foils police

The police are investigating a murder, and looking for a long haired old man, due to the white hair they found at the scene. This is fine with Ruffles the Persian cat, who is the real killer.

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

Granddad passes on sage wisdom

A granddad gave some invaluable tips to his grandson, who's a freshman at a local State U. "You can get a few more days use out of your socks by spraying them with Right Guard. Saves laundry costs."

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

The more you know...

Did you know that sprinkling the scene of a crime with horseradish screws up CSI's luminol tests? Yep, horseradish glows just like blood under those lights when luminol is applied.

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

New t-shirt causes controversy

Twisting an idea from The Onion, these shirts say, "Your religion is false, your job is for losers, your spouse is a cheater and your mom does donkey shows in Tijuana. And your favorite band sucks."

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
Rating:

News about Israeli atrocities stops

Two reasons for the media silence about Israeli genocides and tortures were given. One, it's too routine, and after decades of it, it's no longer news. Two, the Jews control the media.

written by Alexandria177, 02 December 2009
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