Spoof news snippets from Saturday 19 December 2009
Spoof writer gets it up the ass from US Bank
The bank recently made sure December was fucked for one spoof writer. The Bank makes a habit of ramming fees up poor peoples asses. They told the writer they only help people who don't need help.
Honest Russian/English dictionary published
Amongst other honest entries, "nyet" means "I need a bribe" and "da" means "probably not". "Nekulturny" still means "you".
Stolen sign found
The Auschwitz sign, "Work will make you free" was found. A prankster had erected it outside his cubicle at an office complex in Krakow. Said the twenty year corporate drone, "I know how they felt."
Su madre es muy caliente...
It's true. She's not visited Mexico before.
Border Vigilante Group ambushed
A group of self-appointed border guards, suspiciously resembling a clan of inbred rednecks, was ambushed by a group of Native Americans. They said they agreed with the white guys, so pushed them out.
Conservatives claim Amnesty is a ruse
They say that Obama only wants to grant amnesty to illegals to create a permanant class of voters dependant on democrats. Reached for comment, Obama said, "Well...duh."
Top Two Professions
Americas biggest job group as of July 1, 2009 was workers in fast food restaurant businesses. #2 was occupying a prison or jail somewhere.
No Face On Mars
New shot form Hubble Telescope shows that that is not a face on Mars, but a group of condominiums in shape of face.
The Results Are In!
Recent research confirms that nude women cause sexual stimulation in some men.
Many Believe That
Study: Most clones believe that there in someone on this earth there is a double for themselves.
Nice & Quite
Representative from Massachusetts Barney Frank has married himself in a private ceremony on Martha's Vineyard.
Mossad steals Auschwitz sign
"With all the atrocities that we commit against the Palestinians we need a distraction, and with the 65th anniversary of the camp liberation coming up, we figured it was a win-win.", said Saul Ruben.
Woman With Worlds Largest Vagina Has Tiger Story!!
The woman who has the worlds largest vagina recently came out with a secret Tiger story of her own. Apparently Tiger Woods has met with her numerous times to body surf on her enormous Labia Majoris.
Talking Sexy Klingon
Police in San Diego, California say that recently arrested "Deniece The Debaucherer" apparently lured innocent nerds over the internet.
Acted Like He Didn't Care
Man Naked at home guilty of Indecent Exposure, as neighbors look in his windows and watch him watching TV.
Seante Passes Bill
Democratic leaders secure the support of Sen. Ben Nelson to provide the 60th and deciding vote for sweeping health care legislation in the Senate after promising him Tiger Woods leftovers.
Snowblowers On The Field
Snow storm slams East Coast, knocks out power as two football teams missing. Fans dig their way back to car lot, each side saying they won.
Spoof Writer Creates Virus
A spoof writer has created his very own virus. If you are unfortunate enough to encounter SKOOBFACE, then you will know that it came from the writer known as SKOOB1999
Bionics dream dead
Near forty years after Steve Austin and Jamie Summers wowed us all with their bionic limbs, eyes and ears, the blind can't see, the deaf can't hear, and the lame can't walk. Let alone fight crime.
Oprah donates 1.5 to inner city school
When asked whether that meant $1.5 million or 1.5 hours of her time, she said, "Same difference."
Tiger's mom says she's "disappointed"
"Frankly, I'm heartbroken.", she said. "But on the upside, at least he's not a fag."
Seemed Like A Good Idea
The reintroduction of grizzly bears has been halted in Montana and South Dakota as they are disturbing both the bison and the snowmobile drivers.
OB/GYN bitterly regrets choice
"I thought seeing vaginas all day would be great", said Dr. Finklestein. "Boy, was I wrong. Not when it's some 250 pound lady with a yeast infection, or a 98 pound meth head with oozing pustules."
Advisory to teen males
You can avoid the dangers of hairy palms and vision problems by hiring a masturbatrix for all your masturbatory needs.
Star Wars fan just realized...
...that in "The Empire Strikes Back", there is a friendly rivalry between Luke and Han for Leia's affections, with Luke actually getting a romantic kiss from her at one point. But...she's his sister!
Global warming disproved
Once again, it's winter and it's cold, proving that global warming is a just an eco-fascist myth.
Lesbian Union makes new rule
Most women pretend lesbianism till their senior year, then realizing that daddy won't support them forever, they get engaged to a man. Now it's required they pretend till halfway through senior year.
Can't Make Up His Mind
President Obama says he is rethinking those stimulus bills, the troop assignment and that maybe, he picked the wrong dog for the White House. "I'm just looking at the polls", he states.
Not Working For Him Either
Still another lady comes forward to ask Tiger Woods for "bailout money".
Study suggest degrees for women a waste of money
A new study reveals that fathers can save money by simply insisting that their daughters find their husbands in the first two years of college, saving tens of thousands in useless tuition.
All Still Crooks
Brain gym for pupils is pointless, admits Balls. "Political groups have studied it and it hasn't helped one bit, according to their records."
A typical jewelry add for the truly "special"
"Brilliant diamond chips with one carat of total weight are set in a beautiful ring electroplated with genuine 10 karat gold. Show that special lady just how special you think she is. Only $149.99."
Must Not Offend
Tinsel Taliban strikes as Court Service ban staff from decorations to avoid offence, say they are wearing mistletoe in underpants.
Just A Nice Fantasy
Gynaecologist's three-year ordeal ends as 'fantasist with excessive libido' drops her case, vibrator, in courtroom.
Most Burn Rubber On Way Out
Climate change summit accepts 'toothless' US-backed agreement - but deal is not legally binding, as Obama's last minute "Keep all tires aired up/ No jack-rabbit starts" speech accomplishes little.
Joker In Chunnel Arrested
More than 2,000 passengers trapped in Channel Tunnel after four Eurostar trains break down. Many panic after joker yells, "It's Leaking! It's Leaking!"
Champagne Con Exposed
The champagne 'con': Half-price deals are a cheat, says wine expert. "Here's the deal...the bottle are only half size."
"Get Your Free Ferret!"
It's panic Saturday: High Street giants slash prices, give away ferrets and stay open till midnight in bid to lure Christmas bargain hunters.
Woods Changes First Name To Embattled
Embattled Woods wins PGA Tour player, porker of the year award!
Amusement Parks Sold
Amusement park sale throws industry for a double loop the loop! "I feel like we're on one big merry-go-round", says one present owner.
Just Lies There Among Puppets
Mississippi art museum announces Jim Henson exhibit, and no, he does not move.
Worse Than Muhammed Cartoons
Prosecutors investigating Clintons were prepared to seek indictments for their roles in Whitewater & Lewinsky affairs, an explosive new book about Bill's scandals charges, as Dems riot in the street.
New subprime credit card
It's interest rate is 79.9% prompting an outcry from loansharks who feel that this is unfair competition.
Man throws tomatoes at Palin, misses
But at least he did spatter two cops, so it wasn't a total loss.
Twitter briefly blocked by hackers but hackers soon become blocked!
Innocent man in prison for 35 years
Sent to prison at 19 and just now released at 54, he says he's not angry. After all, he gets a $1.75 million retirement package. That and the free food and shelter he had in prison. And free sex.
Nothing Accomplished Once Again
Obama's last minute climate deal with no promises now bogged down in UN swamp!
Drunk man pays $72 for taco at Taco Bell
The manager and police agree that he must have been drunk. Not for paying $72, but for going to Taco Bell at all.
Tropical Forests Get Axed
A plan to protect the world's biologically rich tropical forests got the axe early Saturday after world leaders failed to agree on a binding deal to reduce greenhouse gas emissions.
Al-Qaida Leader Escapes
Suspected al-Qaida leader in Yemen escapes raid as fast car driven by Osama Bin Laden whisks him away at the last moment.
More School Cutbacks
Some schools are dropping driver's education, polo to cut costs.
Keur Drops Woods
Tag Heuer to drop Tiger Woods from US campaigns. He will be replaced by David Hasselhoff.
Karzai's Varies New Cabinet
Karzai presents new Afghan Cabinet list. "I have tried to include relatives from ALL parts of the country."
LeAnn Rimes In Divorce
LeAnn Rimes' husband files for divorce. LeAnn says she will probably file also if he's going to be such a shit.
Health Care For Five!
What's in health care proposals for 5 Americans? McConnell: "You mean we've been through all this for 5 people. Give them an insurance policy and let's go home."
Less Than Normal
Eurostar train service between Britain and France was suspended Saturday morning after more than 2,000 passengers were stranded for hours after only 4 passenger trains broke down in Channel Tunnel.
Beauty Beheld Elsewhere
Beauty not so much in the eye of the beholder as in the measurements between the eyes, mouth & ears of a woman being observed, US & Canadian researchers have found after study of 100 nude volunteers.
East Coast A Mess!
Foul pre-Christmas weekend in store for East Coast unless you are buying sleds, snow-blowers, long underwear for Holidays.
Senate Closing In
Senate closing in on $626 billion spending bill. "We have it completely surrounded and ready to give in", states Harry Reid.
John Paul II Towards Sainthood
John Paul II moves a step closer to beatification as proof confirmed that he once turned wine into water.
Denmark Conference A Waste
A divided UN conference recognizes climate deal finally agrees to "look into it" but no promises to do anything.
Tiger Woods dropped again!
On his head!
Tractor Thief Released on Bail
A man tried to steal a tractor whilst high on drugs. When the farmer chased him, he fell into a slurry pit. However, he could not be held in prison because the smell was so bad.
More Popular Than Jesus Claim Denied
A Mr Smith and Mrs Jones, who were married in 1982 were celebrating their wedding anniversary. The Smith-Jones's from Pontefract deny saying; "we are now more popular than Jesus!"
Scientists Discover the Octopus Uses Tools . . .
. . . and loves to watch reruns of the "Home Improvement" TV show.
It's X-mas in Obama's America!
And at the top of children's wish list this year is a larger back seat in mommy's car, so they can sleep stretched out instead of curled up. More blankies to keep warm is also a popular request.
No World Peace!
Kicked out early, a potential Miss America contestant stated that she was not for world peace or we'd overpopulate the earth soon. Personally votes for doing away with her Miss America judges first.
Sneaking Killers Out There
Surgeon General warns cigarette companies to remove "Warning: This product will produce easily treatable cancer" on packages. Tobacco companies counter with "We didn't say treatments would work."
Synopsis of "Lost"
All the characters are good and bad, they're all related, and every bad and good thing happens to them that they deserve and do not. None of them are particularly sympathetic & all is morally gray.
Add To Golf Trophies
It was announced today that Tiger Woods will receive this years "Mobile Piece Prize".
Roy Disney Dead
Will Roy Disney also be frozen for the future as his Uncle Walt? Will they both be re-animated at the same time? Stay tuned to, "Disney On Ice!"
They're Greedy People
President Obama calls in laid off CEO's from banks to question them about second and third helpings at food bank!
Fugitive doctor found in the Alps
The ear, nose and throat doctor, wanted for fraud, still swears that it was the "one armed man" who cheated everyone.
Gay Parade Different
This year's Gay Pride Parade in San Francisco will feature a gay pride of lions for the first time. Roy Horn named Parade President.
A 4 year old boy in Tennessee...
...was wandering around his neighborhood in a dress, drunk and drinking beer, stealing Christmas gifts, all in an attempt to go to jail to visit his daddy. Sorry, no punchline to add to that.
I Knew It!
Recent number of mortgaged house failures, Charles Gibson leaving ABC News and your sister getting preggers blamed on the Jews.
Fauxfur coats all the rage this season
Prompting PETA to release a fauxpaint, made from imitation paint that stains just as much, and looks just as blood red.
Police traveling the highways and byways say that all through the holidays they will be on high alert for drunks.
Peeping Toms let off the hook
A man was convicted of indecent exposure after women reported seeing him nude through the window of his own home. His attorney says that if he had looked through their windows, he'd be in trouble.
Will Stay With Top 100 From Now On
Lots of big changes in Forbes bottom one hundred of the world's richest people, as all 100 died before they could be found. Forbes called heartless.
School field trip to Hooters
The teacher responsible for that has been suspended, though on the upside, Spring enrollment is up 132%.
Take your pet to school day wrecks havoc as Boas Constrictor swallows potbelly pig, killing them both.
Location, Location, Location!
Report: America's home schooled children, woefully lacking in world geography skills, can successfully name everything in the house and backyard playground.
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