Spoof news snippets from Friday 18 December 2009
And I Was REALLY Bad
ten thousand self-flagellation kits recalled after consumers complain that they're more like a wet noodle.
Nothing To Do With Each Other
Lights in the sky, crop circles, cattle mutations, alien kidnappings, Spaceship landing near the White House unrelated, say experts.
Auschwitz sign stolen
The "Arbeit Macht Frei" sign hanging over the death camp was stolen. In unrelated news, a new sign is due to be installed at Gitmo, one promising hope to the detainees still held without trial.
Appeals Court Denial?
US Appeals Court could deny the possible breakup of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
Signing Bills Like Crazy
Diplomatic frenzy at final day of UN climate talks having a snowball effect.
Dogs Cheering Vets
Two-legged dog gives hope to disabled Army vets. Three-legged dog on Viagra produces even more enthusiasm.
You Have To Look
Huge airlines price discounts available..to those willing to stand, clean bathroom or rock crying babies.
We'll Soon Know Who Looked!
In Brooklyn, New York Bikers plan topless ride to protest lane removal. Residents plan not to look in order not to get sick.
Can't Take That!
Your mind continues after brain dies as new study suggests
we could hear Yanni for several minutes. Suicide planners put off actions.
Palin On Slogans
Sarah Palin mulls over 2012 Presidential slogan.."Not The One On Saturday Night Live!"
We Were Right!
Dispute among FBI and CIA members leads to huge fight over official terrorist warnings, over 100 agents injured.
Ask Sports Teams To Limit
Greenpeace: Sheer numbers of thrown away bobble-head dolls threaten barrier reefs.
Cheney Accuses Obama
Dick Cheney accuses President Obama of personal vendetta as no new health care proposals contained the paying for heart pacemakers.
Proctor and Gamble Release New Product
In an effort to remain on top during the holiday season, Proctor and Gamble have released a new version of their popular laundry detergent, Cheer. The new version will be called Christmas Cheer.
Russian Triangle Explained
Flying "Triangle" over the Kremlin explained. It was a small rocket containing a baby "with powers far beyond those of mere mortal men" say Kentowitvh family from rural area nearby.
Got More Power
Indonesian Democratic Party's Chailwoman Megawati Soekarnoputri is ready to lead the party again if re-elected during a national congress next year. " She better than cousin, Kilowati! say officials."
Auschwitz "Arbeit Macht Frei" sign is stolen, Israel declare war against Poland!!!
"How could they let this happen" screamed the Israeli PM and declared war on Poland. "Imbeciles, Untermenschen, Idiots," he screamed as B52's were targeted towards Warsaw. Obama just smiled!
Tiger Falls In Polls
Tiger Woods has officially went from the top ten cool guys to the top ten "Least Jiggy" list in one month.
Hits At #2 Behind Palin Book
New book out by Osama Bin Laden, "Where Would I Look If I Were Looking For Bin Laden?"
Hasselhoff Blames Show Cancelation
David Hasselhoff: I never had any drinking problems as long as I was out there in the water with all those babes!
New Reports Out
Latest findings: Burritos linked to halitosis at both ends. Footlong sausages linked to happy marriages.
Another Santa Busted
Still another Mall Santa Claus busted after being caught with small children in his lap. "They put on a wig and whiskers and they think they can get by with anything", says Sheriff in Knoblick, Tn.
Losing Several Doctors
President Obama says that he's sad to hear that a lot of chiropractors. "They're the backbone of our economy."
Republicans Holding Up Health Care
Democrats in Washington accuse Republicans of holding up health care bill. "Especially Larry Craig", says Pelosi. "We know for sure that he's stalling.
Did Lamb Swallow Peach Seed?
Scientists now predicting time travel in "three shakes of a lamb's tail", but having explained terms.
Stall Is Working
President Obama: Our economy has improved to the point that most are not noticing that we are still headed for a depression.
Mount Assboil Erupts!
Mount Assboil has erupted in the Virgin Islands with pus driving thousands from their homes!
Can't Tell Pie From Joan
Joan River's oft redone face round as a pie pan after pie thrown in her face was piping hot.
Beano Is Bearish
The stock prices of the makers of Beano blow through the roof as more and more people go to basic foods due to the economy.
Christian Scientists riot for the third straight day after the cartoon drawings of Mary Baker Eddy.
Feminist vs. Real Women
Feminist are genetic mutations with masculine brains unlike real women whose brains are 100% female and completely compatible with men.
8 Yr Old Gives Birth
An unnamed 8 year old girl gave birth to a 14 year old boy this morning. Both were last seen happily watching iCarly and drinking Mt. Dew.
Shemale vs. Women
Shemales are dangerous because they have male brains unlike real women whose brains are attracted to men.
The feminist keep snooping
Feminist keep bothering women in the Middle East to stop them from having men. Middle Eastern women return the deadly favor.
Feminist inadvertently cause lesbianism
Feminist cause lesbianism by creating war between men and women but this helps evolution eliminate genetic inadequacies.
45 year old woman wants to get married
Old lady unable to have children wants marriage but men are smart and don't want to pay alimony for a wasted, old pussy- she opts for living together to prevent loneliness.
Prince Charles Injured
Word from Great Britain this morning is that Prince Charles has been injured in riding accident. Apparently suddenly bucked off by Camilla.
Here We Go Again
Scientist group in Florida say that the earth has only warmed slightly over past 50 years. Al Gore demands recount!
I Got Me Mine
The FDA has announced something or other about the Prozac drug finally going generic over the counter and through the woods, to grandmother's house we go.
Heart Transplant Going Well
Patient in US hospital doing well using baboon heart but ass has turned red as a beet.
Knew They Were On Something!
Extacy criminal gang rounded up after they were spotted outside a building in lower Manhattan dancing, singing, lighting farts and hugging each other.
Burgers Being Recalled
McDonald's restaurants recall over 1,000,000 burgers as meat may have contained 'small foreign objects'. Signs taken down to lower the number of those served.
Health Care Bill Not Shot Yet!
Democrats say health care bill is still being worked on but privately in smoke-filled rooms.
Constantly On The Move
Lost city of Atlantis discovered once again. This time from grainy images showing city-like formations at the bottom of the Caribbean.
Lawyers Getting The Money
Lawyers who get TEN times more than victims in NHS blunder cases accused of sending employees into hospitals to switch charts, names, diseases.
Obama Finally Makes It!
Obama finally arrives at climate change summit by dogsled as world leaders make last-ditch bid to reach deal on global warming.
Hard Times Reach The Palace
Your (commuter) carriage awaits! Thrifty Queen catches ordinary passenger train on her journey to Sandringham to hock jewelry for Christmas.
Weird Happenings In Russia
Russian internet sensation: Giant triangular 'UFO' filmed hovering above Kremlin, statue of Lenin does the Macarena.
Left In Lockbox
Solicitor-General Vera Baird embroiled in row after 'failing to pick up her dog's mess at railway station'. "Never should have stored it for her as the package smelled", says clerk.
Britain's Big Freeze
Big freeze hits Christmas getaway as eight inches of snow falls on Britain, and there's more to come as global warming speeds up!
Brit Airways Announcement Causes Panic
British Airways wins court order barring strike, as huge misunderstanding of statement causes panic after hearing "bar strikes".
Kids' Swine flu shots recalled; not strong enough, as several wind up well, except for uncloven hoofs.
Colder States Most Unhappy?
Turns out, sunshine states really are happiest according to new survey, although former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin says it's all a ball of shit!
Robot records deepest erupting undersea volcano, danger to Will Robinson!
Schools Praticing Eugenics!
School administration defends it's decision to hand out free condoms to students saying, "People this dumb shouldn't be allowed to breed."
Senator Out Stumping
AP Interview: SC senator stumps for climate change after losing legs to frostbite.
Wrap Up Bill Passes As Bill Wraps Up
Wrap-up bill clears Senate hurdle. "It's pretty cold out there so everyone should wrap up good", states Senator Lieberman.
At Least Do Something
Obama: Imperfect climate deal better than none as the Copenhagen meeting using jets to get there set us back six months.
"These Aren't The Droids You're Looking For."
After further investigation The Secret Service now admits that the couple who crashed a White House state dinner used Jedi mind-fogging techniques to gain entry.
Space Heaters Warning
Officials urge caution in use of space heaters. Running them outdoors could add to global warming.
Happens Every Four Years
It's now Democrat versus Democrat on national health care, primary elections!
State Of Happiness
Happiest States Revealed by New Research, mostly headed up by those with legalized marijuana.
Privacy On Facebook
Want privacy on Facebook? Here is how to get some: Tell all your friends that you want privacy and then delete them all.
Adm. Mullen says hacked drones caused no damage. "For awhile they chased Obama, instead of Osama but that's been corrected."
1949 Screen Classic 'Queen of Spades' Reopens to Raves!
The film will be featured during "Wednesday Night Movies at the White House" hosted by Michelle Obama. Invitation only, but plenty of seats available for
President Barack Obama says that the world's will to address climate change "hangs in the balance" and insists any deal must include transparency among nations with no more secrets or whatever.
Russians Caught out
The KGB denies that Russia is in to 'pyramid selling' especially in the region of the Kremlin and Red Square.
Vermont court to rule on...
...how much a dog's love is worth. They are consulting with the small Korean American community that lives there.
After ten years worth of your tax dollars...
...the U.S. government has managed to stop less then one percent of the 24 billion dollars in drug money pouring out of our nation. However, fancy car ownership amongst border guards is up.
Pakistan government is upset over missiles killing three Taliban terrorists. Pakistan government is not upset over Taliban Homicide bombers killing 120 of their innocent citizens in a market place.
Copenhagen conference communiqué says global warming is the cause of third world dictators, homicide bombers, athlete's foot, Gonorrhea and pregnancy.
Baltimore's "Block" is home to strip clubs, pornography shops & other adult entertainments. Expansion, will allow the city to collect additional sin taxes to make up a $52 million budget shortfall.
Department of Agriculture Agreement Expansion
DOA & Dairy farmers agree to reduce emissions 25% by 2020! Use of "manure digesters," to produce methane from the decaying waste will generate electricity. A similar agreement with Congress is needed.
Environmentalists Upset Over Solar Plant Construction
Environmental groups are upset that an under construction solar power plant, to produce "green energy," is being build with Diesel powered bulldozers and other heavy equipment.
Food Safety Regulations
A group of fast food restaurant chains has agreed to help the government. They have written a number of food safety regulations to mandate cleanliness in government run school lunch kitchens.
Lowering Of Standards?
Rumor: New Moon couple have a falling out over just who is wearing the pants here!
In a ploy to increase more visitors, Stonehenge combines tour there with free ticket to Mount Rushmore's Stoneheads, and vice versa.
Pluto Still Angry
Pluto runs amuck among astronomy convention held at Disney World yesterday, biting several & pissing on others.
Chinese Plan Working
Chinese population control experts say they've got it down to only one sucker born every minute.
"That's Pushed Me Over The Edge!"
Bill Gates the big winner! Gates proudly shows off his $20 Million Dollar check from Publisher's Clearing House!
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