Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 16 December 2009
Your mother has admitted an affair with Tiger
Your mother - yes, your's - has admitted to having an affair with Tiger. In fact, you are actually Tiger's unacknowledged son. That's why you are so well-endowed and love spring rolls.
King Solomon sues Tiger Woods
The suit claims that Tiger is doing material harm to Solomon's reputation for having the most women on the side. He wishes each woman of Tiger's to be interrogated to verify her claims.
2nd grader draws picture of a crucifix...
...when asked to draw something that reminded him of Christmas. Upon seeing the drawing, the school had him suspended and reported, "He forgot the reason for the season...mindless consumption."
In an upcoming episode of "Heroes"...
...Sylar shapeshifts into the form of Mr. Muggles and crawls into Clair's lap. It will take all season to reveal just what he's sniffing there. Noah Bennet, the dad, will kill 18 dogs in response.
Man leaves wife after winning half a million bucks
The woman in question, who'd been married to him for two years, was the only person on earth surprised. The winner was unavailable for comment.
Aldi's clerk is a chip decimator
A man reported that no sooner had the clerk scanned the potato chips, she threw them into the cart rather than set them down gently, thus creating a bag full of crumbles. A total waste of a $1.09.
White people commit involuntary suicide
White people who eat at Mexican restaurants are financing the extermination of their race in the future because the large Mexican population will create concentration camps for the white race.
It's "The Hole!"
Scientists say the Ozone hole has suddenly made another appearance just in time for the Copenhagen Conference.
Chinese Use Diferent Methods
Chinese police have detained 470 people this during a crackdown on porn & closed thousands of porn websites. "Took clothes & threw them all in big cell court", says official. "Not like porn so much."
Country singer screams "F*** the Japs!"
The Asian American Justice Reague of America has issued a statement saying, "Toby bad man for making eye slant, it was rike he say 'F*** arr Japs!'! He no good, parents must velly unhappy be!"
Absolutely No Connection
Study concludes that there is no connection between watching violent cartoons and leprosy, as funding for study ends.
Changes Cost Jobs!
Sarah Palin is hitting back at California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's dig at the former Alaska governor over the issue of climate change. He's changed his own state to global bankruptcy.
Abba's Sticking By Term For Now
Abbas sticks by terms for talks, rules out violence. We're thinking about going back to singing songs like "Waterloo".
Mourinho, The Great One slaps a journalist not Berlusconi (who?)
Jose Mourinho has been accused of slapping a journalist, when asked why he answered, "I am the great one and I slap who I want to, ask Berlusconi and other Italien idiots slapping is normale!"
Spoof Christmas Bash a resounding success, only Skoob got left behind!
The Spoof annual Xmas Bash was so good Mark our Editor has promised all Spoofers he'll foot the bill next year (you f*****g wish!) Skoob is still recovering, he hung-over too far!
So That's It!
Solution to age old question answered after guy hypnotized tells doctor, "Because we like to play 'Chicken' in traffic!"
No More Escargo For Me, Thanks.
After the latest drop of the dollar, many American tourists abroad are selling themselves into white slavery.
Just Puttering Around
Tiger Woods resigns from golf tournaments to spend more time with his putter.
They're Never There
Missing atheist finally found in spider hole. "See, I told you he wouldn't be in a fox hole", says Captain.
Barrack Obama gives himself a B + ?
BO+S=BOS-O=BSBS+TON=BOS>TON-O=BS>TON,or just BS buy the TON !
We Love The Game For It's own Sake
Scientists baseball team in amateur league beats steelworkers 98-2. Substance abuse denied by 278-pound microbiologists who hit 1200 foot home run.
So Where Are We?
Scientists say that mankind has now evolved into the stage where he no longer believes in superstitious evolution.
It's A Setback
Detroit admits that they have been converting condos back into old factory buildings for the past two years.
Where Is Osama?
Osama Bin Laden admits that he wouldn't know where he was if not for his Ramadan GPS gift.
Tiger Woods called me to !
Tiger Woods called me to, but what he called me wasn't for a date as the profanities he used was when I used a METAPHORE like as he was a " PECKER WOOD ! "
Big Clue Wins!
For the first time, a computer, Big Clue, has defeated a human being at a game of charades.
A Warning For The UN!
Scientists now theorize that the Big Bang was proceeded by a few fizzles due to the gathering of so much gas.
Klingons Language Off Also
The Hubble Telescope has spotted a galaxy formed 600 million years after the Big Bang, give or take a million and lesser bangs. Star Trek, Star Wars both will have to do a lot of rewrite.
Joslyn James claims she is no Benedict Arnold
In a news briefing, Joslyn James, the conniving mistress, tells rich men that she is trust worthy and is famous for keeping secrets even though she left Tiger shaking and crying.
World Turned Off!
Longtime soap opera "As The World Turns" has been canceled. "We could no longer compete with Tiger Woods says director.
White women turned against their race
In a national debate it was recognized that white women that make false accusations against white males are actually betraying their race and they are being closely watched by their community.
The K.K.K. admits its errors
The K.K.K. said in a news briefing, "If you can't fight, them then breed with them till they turn white."
Black women don't appreciate black men
In statistical research, it has been discovered that 80% of black men in prison were put there by black women who made false allegations leaving black men unable to breed in prison.
Feminist in Mexico attack Mexican men
In Mexico, feminist protest that men are macho leaving Mexican men with the only option of turning gay.
Mexican woman attacks Mexican man
A Mexican woman made false accusations against an innocent Mexican man because she thinks there are more men at the other end of the rainbow.
Mike Tyson framed
Desiree Washington lost her cherry to her boyfriend who took her to an abortion clinic, but later in life during Tyson's trail her attorney claimed the maid found the cherry on a hotel sheet.
Obama distantly related to Warren Buffet...
...and also Dick Cheney. Conspiracy theorists nationwide have had their heads explode at this revelation.
We Are Too Liberal!
Spy among Taliban say they would declare a jihad on themselves if every single nation pulls out.
Moolah For Mullahs
Mullahs in middle East asking for a lot of moolah before agreeing to help settle in-fighting.
Traffic Light Controversy
Countdown traffic light could end road rage, claims designer. Others say cars will immediately "Launch Forward!" at zero!
Really Long-Range Missile Fired
Iran test-fires really long-range missile, declare qualified success as missile goes around globe and lands back at former site. "Most had cleared the area by then."
France: Fair & Balanced
France set to compromise over burka ban by only outlawing them in public buildings, banks, jewelry stores. To be fair, wearing masks of Buddha, Moses banned also.
Flowers At Grave Changed
Archaeologists have discovered a bunch of meadowsweet blossoms in a 4,000-year-old Bronze Age grave at Forteviot, south of Perth, Scotland. Can't decide if for grieving or stench. Left petunias.
The Green Hypocrites: Prince Charles and Gordon Brown take separate jets to lecture the world on global warming. Wives arrive on two later planes.
Storm Over Denmark
Copenhagen climate change conference: Police fire tear gas and arrest 100 climate change protesters who tried to storm UN talks by seeding clouds.
Doctor Must Be Crazy!
My gynaecologist 'abused me on the examination table', patient claims. "He touched me personals!"
Tiger's #11 Appears
Tiger Woods: Elin Nordegren parades her daughter as she 'prepares to move out' as Tiger's #11 emerges.
Income Jumps From £7,000
Christmas gifts galore for the family of six on £23,000 benefits. "It took a lot of humping and those twins, but we did it!", says frail-looking dad.
Horse Off Menu
In France, horse falling off restaurant menus. After many complaints, it is being replaced by dog.
Love Those Mothballs
Sahara mothballing Vegas hotel rooms, cites demand. "Must be some type of fetish", says manager.
Delta Clears Up Rumor
Delta Airlines deny that they had a 'near miss' of two of their planes in the air over Kennedy Airport. Instead, "It was a 'near collison'" says spokesman.
Al Gore Slight Exaggeration
Clarification: Gore misspoke on polar ice data about ice at South Pole melting in 5-7 years. Meant 5-7 centuries.
Kim Getting Ready To Recieve Obama Letter
AP source: Obama writes letter to North Korean leader. Writes on 'Daffy Duck' stationary so he'll be sure to read it.
Sounds Like More Pork
Senate finally completes reading of 3,000 page health bill, want to know what joker put "Everyone in America to get a free tadpole" in it.
Congress In A Hurry
House rushes to finish its work for year. Sign "Doing Away With The House Bill" without checking, to rush home for a few drinks.
Accused Of Flooding
Attorney for Creek wants to move trial up river. "The creek can't get a fair trial here", says attorney.
Year's Memorable Quotes
'You lie!' on Yale list of year's memorable quotes, along side, 'Yes we can' and "no, we didn't'
Rebuking War In SC
SC legislators consider formal rebuke of governor. Governor claims that he will rebuke them right back.
Trouble In Copenhagen
Danish police beat protesters with batons outside the U.N. climate conference, as disputes inside left major issues unresolved 2 days before world leaders sign agreement to fight global protesting.
Worth A Try
Philippine volcano rumbles with fresh explosions receives a case of Beano, Milk of Magnesia in air drop.
Another After Berlusconi
Man arrested trying to enter Berlusconi hospital room, armed with statuette.
Wrong Place At The Wrong Time
DNA testing clears man who served 28 years for blowing up lab where scientists were testing for using DNA findings.
Ready For The Big One?
Aussie scientists find coconut-carrying octopus, seal wearing an old Army helmet.
Insurance Companies Cancel All Policies
Energy-efficient traffic lights can't melt snow. Already caused over 10,000 bump-ins on first snowstorm in Buffalo.
Book On Procrastination Finally Returned
Book 99 years overdue returned to Massachusetts library. "It was lying right there on the kitchen table but we kept forgetting it", says borrower's grandson.
Stole MY Place!
Time magazine names Bernanke 'Person of the Year'. Bernanke called in and immediately fired by the President.
West Threatens: We're Concerned!
Iran test-fires missile loaded down with anthrax and biological weapons, West concerned.
Keeping Up Appearances
Democrats say they are ready to push health bill despite setbacks, changes, completely different from original bill.
Parrot to keep pollies honest
A parrot named Polly is running as a candidate for the Realist Party at the next British general election. Apparently, it is good at repartee such as "liar, liar, pants on fire". Good on you Polly.
Brown goes ape to shore up support
A large gorilla has been spotted running amuck in Whitehall. Upon closer inspection by Police, the individual turned out to be British PM Gordon Brown, scouting for support to win the next election.
Lieberman Mulls Run as Republican
Why not? He's always acted like one.
Family rivalry in performing stunt
Paddy O'Knievel, an Irish cousin of daredevil Robbie Knievel is to attempt to jump 16 motorbikes with one double-decker bus in Wembley this week.
Spitzer Escort Doles Out Sex Advice
Do Tiger, Not Elliot - way more money with the Tiger.
Court Rules Your Employer Can Snoop at Your Text Messages
Rubber Meets the Road Ruling: So Can the Wife.
Poll: Michele O'Bama's Stocks on the Rise
Nothing like being the President's wife for a little inside info on stocks!
B of A pledges $ 5B for Small Business Loans
To be loaned out at 28% interest.
Oral Roberts Dies
Bibles mysteriously open and close by themselves.
Citizens ask "When will the Jobs Come Back?"
Oh, when the Federal Government decides to put the other 50% of the population on the payroll.
Brothel Recruiting Male Prostitutes
Head Hunter Says Tiger # 1 Most Qualified
Barkley and Spike Lee Worry about Woods
Apparently they got the clap while sharing the same shankster girls.
Sex Change Donors Meet with Recipients
Smiles about as new equipment tried out on each other.
Healthcare Refom Passage is Near!
Insurance Premiums to Skyrocket while Insurance Company Profits to Soar.
In Order for Tiger to Get Out of the Woods..........
He needs to lock up his Woody!
Brings Back Memories
Al Gore not at all happy but doesn't show it at Greenpeace conference where he spoke as he finds out that a rare new species discovered in New Guinea is to be called the "Ballot Butterfly".
"Knew He Looked Familiar"
President pissed at the secret service after video shows that not only fake guests were at his special dinner but Osama Bin Laden.
Every Single Year
For the 6,000th time, Mrs Claus: "No dear, that red velvet suit does not make your ass look fat!"
More Blame Game
Underdeveloped nations blame all their ills on climate change. If they stopped screwing each other, figuratively and literally, these nations might be able to provide a better life for their people.
Baltimore MD is buying uniforms for its unseen Call Center Employees, while the mayor closes fire houses due to a budget deficit. Perhaps the uniforms should be clown costumes worn by city officials!
New License Plate Logo
Illinois may change the state's license plate logo from "Land of Lincoln" to "Welcome to Gitmostan!"
That Republican in the White House
A late night comic indicated President Obama was acting more like a Republican on certain issues. Comments from Republican House and Senate Minority Leaders will be obtained when they stop laughing.
Man returns library book 99 years late
"It was really good", he said. "But I'm done with it now."
Mrs. Woods confesses...
..."I also slept with Tiger.", admitted Tiger's wife. "True, not as often as the others, but we did spend the night together once. I'll never forget it."
How to remove dog hair from car upholstery
Rather then pricey investments in duct tape or dust busters, experts advise that the surest cure for this problem is the euthanization of the mutt in question. No dog...no dog hair.
Shesh Won Hit
Homemade Moonshine pickle relish wins blue ribbon at Crooksville, Alabama Fall Fair, after judges finished off their third jar.
Boeing 787 has inaugural flight
And the craft, a composite made up of lightweight carbon fibers, has worked so well that their next plan is the 797 made out of papier-mache and tinfoil.
Oral Roberts failed to meet fundraising goal
And as a result of that failing, a 950 foot Jesus materialized, and "called him home". However, his bastion of higher education will still graduate the nation's dumbest biology majors.
"Hee-Haw" Wins Award
Popular 1970-90 TV program "Hee Haw" won the coveted "Green Award" yesterday for the least use of carbon footprints during a TV show, as hardly anyone ever moved.
"That Thar's Alice & Bill's Sissy"
Social workers in Eastern Kentucky, attempting to turn a child of two worthless parents over to cousins, get over 1,000 cousins offering to help.
Homeland Security warned American citizens this morning to be aware of men wearing long beards and turbans, claiming to be Santa Claus.
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