Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 15 December 2009
Not enough male Gynecologists
Males complain they don't want to work as Gynecologist because it's disgusting work and they don't want to deal with the smell and diseases.
Gynecologist breaks out in tear
A female gynecologist broke out in tears during a news briefing arguing that she was forced to penetrate over two million women using instruments, because she needed to put food on her table.
N.O.W. won't trust black women
The National Organization for Women said in a news briefing that they would never trust black women to hold their pocketbooks or allow horny black women to escort their white sons on dates.
N.O.W. proclaimed Mexican women to be ugly
The National Organization for Women classified Mexican women as ugly when they refused to marry them off to their young, handsome sons.
Lesbian monster, Jenny Shimizu lost her fame
The awful looking lesbian freak Jenny Shimizu lost her fame when famous actresses stopped using her four cheap thrills.
Rage Against the Machine single vies with X-Factor winner for Xmas top spot
Sony must be laughing all the way to the bank - I expect there will be a version of 'Killing in the Name' on Joe McElderry's debut album.
Lesbians in prison
Hundreds of lesbian inmates, red faced with agony, marched in protest because they have not seen a real penis in over thirty-five years.
Lesbian attacks a Mexican man
In a fit of rage against men, a lesbian stabbed a Mexican man in his penis with a jackknife she was carrying.
N.O.W attacks men
The National Organization for Women said in a news brief that every man alive should have his penis cut off with a pair of rusty scissors.
Hail To The Chief..... Hottie!
President Obama has announced the banning of all things Oprah. "Jeez Louise, the woman chased my fine ass all OVER the White House!," said the Prez. "And the First Lady is PISSED!"
Declare Independence From US
Most now believe that a Post-Taliban Afghanistan will be ruled by Blackwater & several former US banking CEO's.
Still No Gays In Iran
Iran leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, continues to say there are no gay people in Iran. "There USED to be, but they were all Jews."
So Long, Lady O!
In a shocking turn, Michelle Obama has banned TV legend Oprah Winfrey from further White House visits. "I mean, she chased Barack's fine ass all OVER the White House!" said the First Lady.
And An Entire Nation Says ...... DUH!
CHICAGO - Oprah Winfrey has announced that she has a big, honkin' crush on Barack Obama. "I just can't hide it any longer," said the TV diva. "I chased his fine ass all OVER that White House!"
CHICAGO - 3 Jews were arrested Monday for throwing knishes at the Christmas tree in Daley Plaza. The 3, of the militant group "Hanukkah Now!," were released into the custody of their lawyer sons.
... As K-Y and Astrogilde Breathe Sighs of Relief
The Gillette Company has announced that it has discontinued production of its Tiger Woods-endorsed "FORE! Play" sex lubricant, due to the recent disclosure of Woods' sub-par conduct.
Money Not Everything
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett agree that money isn't everything in life. "There's a lot of other good stuff out there if you can buy it", says Buffett.
"Did You Copy That?"
Xerox president Harry Letton admits that Holiday ass-copying all that keeps company afloat.
Mysterious 'voices' frightening people near landfill turns out to be from old buried cell phones.
"Settle Down, We Have To Sleep!"
Seven really old graves were discovered under a house being renovated in the Fairmount section of Philadelphia, Pa. authorities said. "Always wondered what all that screaming was about", says local.
Might Frighten Them Away
The Roswell City approved a new backyard livestock ordinance Monday night that bans roosters and limits most homeowners in the UFO landing zone to six chickens.
The Banana Wars are officially over, Monkees and Human Monkees sign peace treaty!
The 16 year old Banana wars (longer than WW1 & 2 together) are over, Monkeys can now go back to their business, eating them, and Fyffes can get stuffed!
Too Much Commercialism!
Christian group launches attack on Christmas commercialism. Will switch to Kwanzaa day after Christmas and save money on sales.
I Feel A Disaster Coming
Many in Illinois hope Gitmo detainees will help town. "We have some ex-cub scout leaders that could really give them a good talking to", says mayor.
Can't Keep Mouth's Shut
An article in Prevention Magazine has given a lot of people hope as recent testing of venom from democrat/republican confrontations could be used to make detainees talk.
"Hey, The Police!"
Donny Most, Henry Winkler accused of running some kind of Fonzie Scheme!
UK couple "SHAG" so loud they cause neighbour to go deaf!
A couple in Newcastle under ASBO, have refused to stop their awfully loud sex antics and now their neighbour has literally, GONE FUCKING DEAF!
Dropping Like Fleas
A woman who was actually at Woodstock Concert in 1969 passes away. That leaves 92.
National Organization for Women complain about women
N.O.W. admits they unable stop women from dating men so they have embarked on a campaign to promote lesbians to take out as many women as they can.
Just Like Mom!
Justin Timberlake: Britney wouldn't allow the kids to wear diapers.
Roanoke Island Back!
The Lost Colony of Roanoke Island has been given a GPS system. "Best Christmas present anyone ever had say funny-dressed settlers."
Just A Comparison
Thailand uses picture of the French Riviera to promote white-sand beach resort.
Nielsen Ratings awards thespoof.com
Nielsen ratings spokesman says thespoof.com brings in more viewers than most television shows because of their entertaining and rare stories which can't be found anywhere in the literary world.
Al Gore Sets Record Straight On Melting Ice Caps.
Al Gore projected 5 years ago all the polar caps would be gone by this year. He recently stated that it would take another 5 years. In his statement today he clarified he obviously meant "Dog Years".
Female gynecologist says she suffered abuse
A female gynecologist complains she had to penetrate over 35 thousand women and was used like a lesbian gigolo by her abusive patients.
Tiger Woods is seen as a bad role model
Homosexuals are complaining about Tiger Woods' affairs with women because he was not penetrating white males in gay affairs.
I.Q. test is required of political candidates
The public is demanding I.Q. test of political candidates be posting on ballet cards because they need to look for the most intelligent person to solve the economic problems.
Tiger Woods is no JFK
While JFK was praised for having an affair with beautiful, blond haired Marilyn Monroe, Tiger Woods is condemned to hell for being a swine and sleeping with white women.
Tiger Woods feels genocide plot
Nazi sympathizers attack Tiger Woods fearing he would have more mulato children with scandalous women.
Tiger Woods protects his rights as a father
Tiger Woods secretly had 34 children of his very own, with European surrogates who posses a high I.Q., in the event his wife gets a divorce and moves out with the kids.
Tiger Woods saves himself from financial ruins
Tiger Woods secretly hide 23 million dollars to prevent his wife from leaving him broke in the event of a divorce.
Tiger Woods saves himself from prison
Tiger Woods protected himself from false charges by secretly video taping his sexual encounters with people.
Male politicians admit their gay
Hundreds of male politicians admit their gay because they like putting men into prison without women so homosexual activity can occur.
Tiger Woods hits it big
Millions of male consumers say they admire Tiger Woods because of the sex appeal he has with so many women
Madonna is a protective mother
Madonna refuses an offer from desperate lesbian Jenny Shimizu to do a kissing duet with Lordes on a music video, which Shimizu claims will be her big break in Hollywood.
Tiger Woods gets another new endorsement
BUART'S BEES cologne for men is to hire Tiger Woods for advertisement because of his masculine appeal due to the amount of women he attracted.
Explosion at an Aquarium in Norfolk
An explosion occurred today at Sea Life Aquarium, Norfolk when a terrapin was given 10 brussels sprouts for Christmas. The unfortunate reptile was treated for shell-shock.
Iranians Outcry over Chinese Barbie Fakes
Thousands of Iranians are up in arms as shipments of Burka - clad Barbie dolls arrived in Teheran for the Christmas market. The dolls turned out to be one-legged action men with moving eyes.
"Boring Around Here All Year"
As NHS faces cuts, health bosses defend spending £3,500 on office Christmas tree, stripper Santa's helper.
Where's This Dad, Person?
Almost half of all fathers don't get home until their children are in bed. Several beginning to think he's another Santa Claus.
"No! No! NOW Eat It! Good Boy"
Headteacher rapped for keeping a box of Kit-Kats to reward well-behaved pupils. Had to balance it on their nose first.
"I Done Messed Up Bad"
Jail for the blundering bank robber who used his own BMW with personalised number plate to set up £100,000 raid, note to teller on back of business card.
Family Comes First
'Family comes first,' claimed Tiger Woods in last interview before infidelity scandal broke. 'I was referring to golf!'
Yob Yanking YoYo
Yob who yanked off Muslim woman's headscarf ordered to pay her £1,000 compensation. Pulls off pants in court and moon judge! "Scarf This!"
Most Didn't Realize It
Obama before Women's Group: "We are in Afghanistan because of the unfair treatment of women!"
Porn Crack Down!
More than 3,000 detained in porn crack down. Sorry, that should be, "crackdown".
Matsui, Angels Deal
AP source: Matsui, Angels reach preliminary deal. Angels agree to give him another great contract, harp.
EU Gives Tips
EU gives tips to plane, train passengers. Oldster says he can remember the days when passengers gave the tips to porters.
New Animated Award!
Golden Globe animated film nominations announced by Daffy Duck. Whole front row spit all over.
"Jelly! It's A Hit!" On Soundtrack
Polanski film about the benefits of KY-jelly to debut at Berlin festival.
New study shows that looking young may mean living longer. Some carefully made-up 80-year-olds up to six and a half feet long.
Court Investigating Employer Access Of Messages
Court to review employer access to worker messages, rude drawings of their bosses and their wives.
Wall Street Drops
Both Trader's jaws and stocks drop after the latest inflation data.
US Policy In Afghanistan
Biden: US policy is to advance Afghan stability, ten feet at a time!
Schools close as heavy rains drench the South. Al Gore running around inside the house like Igor.
Italian PM Attacker Nuts
Berlusconi attacker may be sent to psych unit. Claims he's Caesar SpongeBob.
Arab Women Poorly Treated
Harassment across Arab world drives women inside, locking door behind them.
November Inflation Up!
November wholesale inflation up more than expected as average Joe up one full pound. Experts blame giblet gravy.
Attack Of The Killer Blinds
50 million blinds recalled as strangulation hazard. Apparently they creep around the room once you're asleep at night.
Sponsors Being More Cautious
Tiger Inc.'s image crash to make sponsors cautious as several also drop Mike Tyson.
Teen Pot Use Up!
Study: Decade drop in teen pot use stalls...especially in school bathroom dividers.
Gore: Rough Days Ahead!
Gore: Polar ice may vanish in 5-7 years, millions die from spontaneous combustion.
After Obama Speech!
Citigroup, Wells Fargo repay government bailout funds. Tell President to stuff it!
Big Aussie Find!
Aussie scientists find coconut-carrying octopus, weird-talking little sponge that wears pants.
Blair to appear on UK's Got Talent
Ex UK Prime Minister Tony Blair has refused to comment on rumours that he has just auditioned for the new series of Britain's Got Talent. Its believed that he performed "War(What is it good for?)".
Bush E-Mails Found
22 million missing Bush White House e-mails found after 1,000 computer experts Obama had working night and day stumble across them.
Chief Decries Farting Around!
UN chief: Time to stop climate finger-pointing, leg and finger-pulling and getting down to business.
Still Another Obama Solution!
Obama touting amazing home energy efficiency program. "68 degrees this winter, folks, 68 degrees!"
Whoa To Airlines!
Costly fuel means more woe, whoa! for airlines according to report.
Berlusconi attacker apologizes for "cowardly" act after two nights at secret terrorist prison.
"I Don't Want To Be Stacked Up Naked"
Back from combat, women struggle for acceptance by young men, scared to death of them after early prison pics.
Wealthy Octopi Show Off
Australian scientists have discovered an octopus in Indonesia that collects coconut shells for shelter, display of wealth to other octopi.
Hug Iceberg Breaking Apart,
Monster' iceberg shedding hundreds of offshoots. Any modern Titanics, actors, Somali pirates told to keep their distance.
Town Getting Detainees
AP sources: Ill. prison to get Gitmo detainees. Town's citizens to celebrate by moving away as fast as possible.
Acion On Climate, Reaction
Poll: Action on climate will heat up economy, jobs, which may cause more global warming.
Festivus For The Rest of Us
Hard times? Fifty nine percent of those asked say they'll spend less on Festivus this year. Most will go with plain aluminum pole, no decorations.
Tiger's Mistresses All Agree On one Thing..........
British Airways to spend 12 Days of Christmas in the old fashioned way:
Something Rotten in Denmark
Global warming fanatics in Copenhagen Denmark have escaladed to burning cars vice breaking windows. I guess they realize that hot burning gases have absolutely nothing to do with climate change!
Al Gore has a bad Memory
Al Gore said in Copenhagen Denmark "the polar ice cap will be gone in 5 to 7 years." A reporter noted Mr. Gore made the same statement five years ago too!
There Ain't No Justice Hon
Baltimore MD residents are required to pay for repairing the city owned sidewalks in front of their houses. The mayor closes fire houses, but takes an $8000 vacation paid for by the taxpayers.
AHOLES Form New Political Party
Association of Hellishly Obnoxious Liberal Elitist Snobs (AHOLES) has formed a political party. They believe in total government control of all aspects of a person's life and unlimited tax & spending.
Democrats to Hold 2012 Convention at Disney World
2012 Democratic presidential nominating convention is to be held at Disney World FL. Specifically, Fantasyland located on the extreme left side of the park, based on the dream world liberals inhabit
First Aid Needed
It really is a health care bill, as Senate Majority Leader Reid keeps applying band aids to try to stop the bleeding of Democratic votes.
Odds on Favorite
The odds makers in Las Vegas NV indicate Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has a 3 to 1 chance of being offered a job as a pit boss, starting in January 2011.
Government Bureaucracy Power Grab
The EPA wants the Clean Water Act to apply to all surface water, not just navigable waterways. "Hello, I'm from the EPA to inspect Fido's water dish for Arsenic." Sic him Fido!
Begatting Be Gone
A famous philandering politician had a brain transplanted into his head from a Giant Panda in order to mate with a female Giant Panda. It turns out the donor was Gay!
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