Spoof news snippets from Monday 14 December 2009
It's been reported by a regular watcher of "Heroes" that not one hero has failed to betray at least one other since the start of Season One. Only Mr. Muggles seems to have any loyalty.
Obama peace prize violates Constitution
In violation of Article I, Section 9, which says that the President cannot accept "emoluments" from foreign nations, he has accepted a $1.4 million gift from the Parliament of Norway.
Clinton Vows Support For Tiger Woods
Former President Bill Clinton stated "I won't cheat on Hillary until Tiger is back in the game. Ha, ha. Just kidding!"
Simply Forgot Ourselves
Protesters For World Peace apologize for mass riot in Denmark, Italian Prime Minister's injury, those killed and maimed.
Britshit Airways announce Christmas strikes, escaping Brits sentenced to suffer Christmas UK style!
Due to the "Britshit Airways" strike thousands of stranded, desperate Brits may have to suffer a real SHIT-BRIT-CHRISTMAS, Queens speech an all, the suicide rate in the UK hits an all time high!
Iran Caught In Lie
Source: 'Alarming' secret document details Iran's nuclear goals to build nuclear weapons, which completely shocks a village idiot somewhere in small village near Hawkhurst.
Obama Criticizes Bankers
President Obama tells Wall Street execs gathered at the White House that he expects 'an extraordinary commitment' to aid the nation, even if they have to charge $100 per returned check!
Eminem and his Rapping mates go "GAY BASHING"
At last the RAP-CRAP-SCENE is doing something positive, bashing GAYS with their RAPS! The pop world, run by GAYS, has villified them, but the rappers are determined to "STRAIGHTEN" them out!
We're Paying It Off
Citigroup Has Reached a Deal to Repay U.S. Bailout Funds! They will begin in January with $1,000 per month.
Pot Top Choice
New survey shows that pot is very popular with today's teenagers, one & two-year-olds.
British Airways Doing Their Bit for Climate Change!
British Airways not going to fly for 12 days over Christmas in a bid to reduce their carbon footprint.
This Is How I Did It If I Did It
Bill Clinton will host banker's conference right after their meeting with Obama. $100,000 Program: How To Lie Straight Faced And Not Be Fired!
New Dole Viagra Ads
Bob Dole will once again do Viagra commercials after doctors find that anxiety over ED a key cause. New slogan on ads will be, "Don't Worry, Be Floppy".
Tehran Wins Terrorist Bid
Tehran, Iran say they will host next year's annual terrorists conference at peaceful nuclear site.
Will Observe From 'Blueberry Hill'
President Obama appointments Fats Domino as Final Katrina Clean-Up Czar.
Yogi Caught In The Act!
Former New York Yankee great Yogi Berra caught trying to make up new silly phrases. "Will leave baseball guest-speaking indefinitely"
New Teen Term
Report: More US teens still texting while driving and referring to it as "Air Bagging!".
Blair Wasn't Concerned With WMD's
Blair: I would have invaded Iraq with Bush even without that WMD ploy. That Saddam always trying to outdress me.
"Ole Blackwater, Keep On Rolling"
Report: Blackwater troops now in charge of over 60% of Iraq, heading into Afghanistan.
Right At Midnight
Saddam Hussein pays unexpected visit to Bush family in Crawford, Texas.
Pay Czar Exemps Obama Supporters
New Pay Czar Exempts 300 of company CEO's from new salary limits. Only a coincidence that they all gave to Obama election campaign.
Berlusconi Hit By Mafia
Mafia hit ordered on Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi was edorded by strong man, Claudio Bruno.
Sorry, You're Gone
"Tiger Woods Brand" golf clubs and golf gloves frie Tiger Woods as It's representative.
Probe Over Cement Mixer Incident
New probe ordered over death of man crushed in cement mixer after family claim 'cover-up' "We can't bury him until you probe him out of there."
Baby-Faced Live Longer
Are you a baby face? Then you'll live to a ripe old age, but be considered a freak with the small head.
Shoe Launched At Own Mouth
The day gaffe-prone Prince Philip told blind IRA bomb attack hero: 'You can't see a lot judging by that tie'. "No but I can recognize you by that idiotic phrase."
Soldier Sweethearts Marry
Soldier sweethearts who served together in Afghanistan return home to marry, have old-fashioned shotgun wedding!
Werewolves Are Real!
A study suggests that a full moon really can bring out the beast in us, turning us into biting, spitting and scratching animals. Study done by the Stephen King Institute in Maine.
Parents More Responsible
Ed Balls confirmed that laws requiring criminal record checks on adults who work with children will be watered down. "Parents should teach kids to punch eyes, kick groins at early age."
Doctors Boycott Metting
The Christian Medical Fellowship - which represents 4,500 doctors - has boycotted a public consultation on assisted suicide, homicide.
House Prices, Houses Down
House prices, houses fall for second month in a row as average home loses £5,000 after huge storms, mudslides.
Bankers May Give Obama "Banker's Prize?"
Obama: I didn't become president to help out a bunch of fat cat bankers on Wall Street. I came here to win prizes!
Also Increase In Nudges
Bumper Christmas for high street as shops see best sales for bumpers in three years.
Silvio Berlusconi loses a PINT of blood and ends up with a broken nose and missing teeth after another mentally ill man attacks him
Brown Sees Action On Visit!
Brave Gordon "Action Man" Brown beds down with gay troops in Afghanistan.
Poor Taliban Misunderstood
Taliban should be praised for their faith, beating of women and sense of loyalty, says British forces bishop.
That's My Boy!
That's my boy: Army Major returns home from Afghanistan to see baby son for the first time in eleven months.
No Real Terrorist Threats?
Britain misled into Iraq war by Blair's 'sycophancy to U.S. and alarming subterfuge with Bush', says former DPP. "They pulled the old Churchill/Roosevelt Ploy!"
Several Glasses Already Knocked Away
Brace yourself for snow, big snowball fights, this week say weathermen.
No Mail Delivery Again
More than half of customers hit by the postman's 'sorry you were out' ruse. "We did cough a bit."
Air Strike Threat
Air strike threat to Christmas holidays as planes bomb Christmas tree farms!
Don't Drink & Doink!
Drunk men who insist on sex 'are rapists and cannot use alcohol, naked wife shaking tail, as an excuse.'
It's Michael J. All Over Again?
Child protection officers are said to have visited Tiger Woods's home following allegations that he & his wife had a violent row over his affairs. "Read it in the gossip rags", says Police chief.
Screw Up As Usual
Single mother of eight living in a £2.6m mansion - so much for Labour's housing benefit crackdown. Others begin demanding the same.
No Surprise Here!
Teens ignore laws against texting while driving, as they do pretty much everything else.
Golfers Wait & Watch
Woods' colleagues wait and wonder, like everyone. "That's what you do on a golf course", states Ernie Els. "You mostly wait for those in front to finish."
Who Was That Msked Idiot?
Bahamas man charged with robbing Segway tours while wearing a mask on a soup-up Segway, say victims.
Obamas Join Stars
Obamas join stars for Christmas benefit concert as President will sing "Santa Claus Has Come To Town" while holding up Nobel Peace Prize.
Wow! Look At This!
Novel drug combo improves movie viewing, congress healthcare plans, the way your hand appears, say doctors.
Poor Turned Away From Free Check-Up
Poor being turned away from free cancer screenings as authorities say they can't afford it.
Judges, Lawyers Must Unfriend??
Fla. judges, lawyers must 'unfriend' on Facebook as "The Good Old Boy Blog" closed down.
Changes On The Local Level
World's mayors tackle climate change on their own by asking citizens to breath slower, fart less.
Abu Dhabi, Oprah To The Rescue
Dubai gets $10B from Abu Dhabi, another $10B from Oprah to cover debt.
Lieberman Making Too Much Sense For Most
Lieberman resists Medicare buy-in plan. "It's broke now and you want more people placed in it?"
UN Climate Talks Frozen
U.N. climate talks were thrown into disarray Monday as developing countries blocked negotiations, demanding that rich countries give them money.
Axelrod: Obama to lecture banks on accountability while Democrats asked for over one trillion dollars.
Obama Goes All George Baily on The Banks:
"Where's that money, you silly stupid old fools? Where's that money? Do you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal and prison. That's what it means."
Only A Big Meteor Shower
Best Meteor Shower of 2009 Peaks Tonight says UFO Commander Orzxxity.
"Honey, I'm NOT Saddam!
Back from combat, women struggle for acceptance after husbands wake them up while they prowl the house at night in their sleep.
King's Generosity, Searching For Ideas
Stephen King to pay for troops' holiday trip home with a few little thrilling tales he will collect along the way.
Tired Of Looking At Him
Citigroup Inc. says it is repaying $20 billion bailout money it received from the Treasury Dept., in an effort to reduce government influence over the banking giant & make guy with calculator go away.
Tiger Changes Name
Will now be called "Cheetah Woods"
Turns out that Johnny Hallyday's Surgeon
wasn't mugged, he was a passenger in Tiger Woods's SUV 'on that night'
When Man Discovered the Wheel
he was set on a doomed path.
Tiger Woods up again
He's a walking, talking, hard iron
Lots Of Chatter
Reporters say that there was a lot of noise backstage as the Heisman Trophy candidates waited. "Mostly they were practicing, 'I'm going to Disney World', "states janitor.
Saddam's Novel Found
Located "Novel" by Saddam Hussein mostly just childlike drawings of him kicking Bush in the ass.
Slow moving mall shopper gets sprayed by seven different men's colognes.
US National Debt Reduction Underway
Congress mandated OPM to pay down the national debt. OPM is to lay off all federal civilian employees, thereby saving $400 billion per year, allowing the national debt to be repaid in about 25 years.
Carbon Dioxide Capture Masks
EPA orders 350 million CO2 capture face masks, one for each American. The mask may also be employed to capture human emissions of methane gas, but the EPA cautions against swapping these used masks.
A Show of Support
Pete Rose and Michael Vic won't drink Gator Aid, use Gillette products or wear Nike shoes to show sympathy with Tiger Woods.
EPA Name Change
The EPA will change its name to the Ethically Pathetic Agency or the Executive Political Agency, as soon as the president makes a decision.
Financial Advice to the Middle Class and Seniors
Sell all your assets, give the cash to your children or grandchildren as a gift, and go on federal welfare. Either that or wait for Congress to tax and spend your money away to get onto welfare!
Absolute power corrupts absolutely! In the case of Bill Clinton, Gary Hart and Tiger Woods it must have gone to their crotches.
A New Job for Tiger
Australian and Chinese officials are interested in getting giant pandas to mate in captivity. Tiger Woods has been hired as a tutor.
Please Use Your Sick Leave
57% of Americans oppose the current health care reform legislation. These citizens keep urging the debating US Senators to use their government paid sick leave to go home and "give it a rest!"
Left Wing Fascists
Left wing fascists, sounds like a contradiction in terms! Students that vandalized the UC Berkeley Chancellor's home, over fee raises, and climate change fanatics that broke widows in Copenhagen.
Are you an elitist, tax cheat or whacko far left liberal lusting to tax & spend using non-existent funds? There is a place for you in the Obama administration or Congress. Please call 1-202-DEFICIT.
DC Voting Rights
Washington DC wants congressional voting rights! Congress makes promises and blames everybody but themselves. A pesky little item like an amendment to the US Constitution keeps getting in their way.
Gate Crashers Figured Out
The US Secret Service has figured out how those two slime ball gate crashers got into the state dinner hosted by President Obama. The couple "oozed" their way under the doors!
NUTSY Rally Held
A gigantic NUTSY rally was held in Copenhagen Denmark, as rabid green shirt activists broke windows and attacked non-believer climatologists. Repeated shouts of sieg heil Gore could be heard.
Democratic Given Name
New CBO study reveals that all Congressional far left wing Democratic big spenders who do not listen to their constituents have the same first name, namely "F**king!"
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