Spoof news snippets from Sunday 13 December 2009
Your Vote Down There!
United Nations representative from Jamaica usually keeps classic Bob Marley on his headphones.
Most Influencial Democrat
Barack Obama comes out in poll as the most influence on the Democrat party in the last 20 years. Monica Lewinsky comes out second.
New Poll Out
The latest poll out shows that most Americans want good jobs, good retirement benefits and Monk to come back on TV.
Metal Comes Out!
The United States asks China to recall defective auto tire swings.
"Look At Monkey Mommy!"
Parents discover belatedly that Uncle George's gift to kids of wind-up cymbal clashing toy monkey's penis also comes & gos!
Spiked Santa's Eggnog!
Kids mad over dad spiking eggnog causing Santa to leave them all sex toys and a pissed on tree.
My First & Last
First year Santa in mall beginning to feel some sympathy for Hansel & Gretal witch!
Swine Flu Not So Bad
Fear of catching the swine flu replaced by fear of swine flu shot, "up-your-nose probe test" to see if you got the swine flu.
Would Make A Point
Most New Yorkers approve new Twin Tower design of Bin Laden catching it in prison!
Best Test Guesses
The Teapot Dome and The Old North Church all-time favorite trial answers to history exams in high school!
Tear-Gassed In Turkey
Protesters tear-gassed in Turkey. "We'll never come here to eat again", says leader of family of twenty. I could just cry."
Caps Are Allowed
Senate health plan to allow caps on insurance benefits, idiot John Deere tractor drivers going 20MPH down the road.
Tiger Taking Break
Tiger Woods says he's taking leave of absence, senses, from professional golf!!
Calendar Girl Suddenly Popular
Kansas farm girl who made the centerfold in new high school fund raising bathing suit calender getting a lot more dates.
Let's Have Some Order Here
Colorado man who ran into walk-in clinic after getting bit by deadly cobra told to go back out the door and walk in.
Maybe A Small Nuclear Exchange
Leaders meeting in Copenhagen say that the world population will be completely out of control by 2135 if not prevented.
Riot Kills 597!
Muslim extremists riot over misuse of Koran to knock back an attacking dog!
Heard That Before
Arrested naked man running down the street in Miami says he got caught taken a shower in the wrong apartment.
Inside "Going Rogue"
Sarah Palin tells in her new book "Going Rogue" tells of hunting trip where former VP Cheney got excited and tried to shoot her in the face.
Illegals Becoming Extinct
Oil companies needing help as hired illegals become hunting ground for polar bears.
Party Girl Making A Fortune
Stripper makes most of her money selling videos she secretly tapes while performing at bachelor party to the then married guy a month later.
Or So We've Heard
Two in the fast lane dead as grapevine travelers collide head on in the Congo.
It Doesn't Hurt To Try
Unpublished writer in North Carolina dedicates his sixth self published book to, plus names his second little girl, Oprah.
Another California Health Law
KFC promises to only serve free range chicken buckets in California.
A Pod from outer space has exploded while tying to become a copy of Kirstie Alley.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi floored by verbal Gom Jabbar
In scenes that could have stepped out of Frank Herbert's DUNE, Berlusconi hit by rebounding words from the kwisatz haderach.
If There Was Global Warming, We'd Need To Be Ready
Group meeting in Copenhagen order guy who hacked faked weather news over internet to be shot as soon as possible. "Public can't handle the truth".
One For Guinness
First set of albino Siamese dwarfs marry in Arkansas. It's OK, they're male/female and facing each other. "Just wanted to make an honest woman of her", states male.
We'll Handle It, Thanks
Northeastern states having a really hard time after near blizzard but tell FEMA to stay away.
Obama: Lot Quieter Around Her!
Obama's mother-in-law taken to Guantanamo after being connected to Al-Qaida through "Six degrees of separation" law.
Victim Will Recover
Local lad sets atomic wedgy record by pulling elastic of victims underwear all the way over his head and tied in a bow on top.
"Now Your Snowgeese, They're Different...."
Library visitor who's an authority on wild geese migration bores still more customers out the door.
I'm Outa Here!
New anchor mad at just-fired employee who rigged up anchor's head on screen behind him without hair piece.
Boys Eat Cat
12-year-old boys brought to court for roasting cat say that it was already dead in the road and they just wanted to brag to older boys that they had eaten one.
Who Would Have Thought
Starbucks reveals that oatmeal is their number one seller at their stores, followed closely by tinned tongue.
Cheney On Bush
Former Vice President states that President Bush wanted to stop any possible global warming by having weathermen running winter weather segments in the summer.
Name of Game Undecided
A new Internet game called "Whack the Banker" has already proved to be a success, however, its' inventors think it will be more successful if they called it"Bash the Wanker". SAME THING REALLY!
Italians Ban Breast Implants for Girls under 18
The Italian government has banned breast implants for girls who are under 18 years of age. However, boys under 18, can still have this operation should they wish to do so.
Showing The Excitement
To celebrate the meeting of all those countries in Denmark over global warming, Iran sated that they fired ten missiles into the air.
Cuban After Record
Cuban athletic star will attempt to swim from Cuba to the United States. Says that his family will accompany him for safety's sake, one 100 passenger boat.
"We'll do Anything to get Tiger back!"
The PGA has announced that it will allow threesomes next year.
Couple Of Johns
John McCain, upset over a recent John Kerry remark, says that it must be nice to be married to a rich lady.
Just Slipped Out!
Jesse Jackson still trying to explain his statement about Obama, "I'd like to cute his nuts out" now says that he was quoting Tiger Woods wife about Tiger.
On Disney in March
The Obama kids to have their own show on Disney, "My Daddy, The Nobel Prize Winner" about a fictional war settlement.
Everything Turning Brown
White House gardeners say that the whole Rose Garden will have to be replanted after this year's "beer conference".
Beer Disposal A Problem
VP Joe Biden says that he will not attend any more Beer Conferences at White House. "There should have been a couple of aides. I've shook all the peckers I'm going to."
Obama Defends Appearances
President Obama defended his number of appearances on the cover of major magazines. "Oprah has been on the cover of "O' magazine over 100 times."
What Me President?
Barack Obama's latest picture on cover of Newsweek Magazine #37. That beats the record 36 of President Bush on the cover of Mad Magazine.
The Purloined #2
United States troops in Afghanistan report today that they have discovered the remains of al-Qaeda #2 which they formerly mistook for a big pile of shit.
She Knew All The Time!
After having a gypsy fortune teller tell him he is about to meet a gorgeous gal named Iris, local loser Billy Ray Adkins of Selma, Alabama has caller with Pomeranian dog.
Have To Have The Right Pitch
China has once again accused Tibetan monks of synchronized chants from a mountain retreat causing landslides in China.
"I Got A Little Frightened!"
London man who wanted to jump out of an airplane on his 89th birthday, shits all over those on ground waiting for him to land.
Allah abandons Iran after oppostion constantly insult his prophet, Khomeini!
Iran has really blown it now, thay have forced Allah to abandon them! Reason being, the constant insults about Khomeini, Allah has done everything to save Iran from the evil US, now he's had enough!
Berlusconi Passes 'Women's Underwear'
Italian P.M. Silvio Berlusconi shocked leaders at an EU summit on Friday by sending them doodles showing women's underwear through the ages. "Makes more sense than this meeting" as many agree.
Couldn't Take It Any Longer
Pensioner, 98, charged with murdering 100-year-old room-mate after complaining she 'had too many visitors, once had the hots for Kaiser'.
Children To Get Half Dose
Children to get just half dose of swine flu vaccine after half-ass effort by authorities.
'Our faith is being targeted .... and we've been thrown to the lions': the Christian hoteliers accused of insulting Muslim guest reveal.
Gordan Brown In The "Doghouse"!
Gordon 'Action Man' Brown beds down in small shed during surprise pre-Christmas visit to British troops in Afghanistan.
A Real Winner Here
Vanessa George sent picture of her own daughter naked to internet paedophile ring as "Mother of the Year" award consideration dropped.
Tiger Marriage Ending?
Tiger Woods' wife is to 'end marriage after Christmas': How giving up golf may have been too little, too late for humiliated Elin, after latest news of cannibalism.
Prince William Shadow King
Prince William to share the Queen's duties: Secret Treasury document reveals plan to make him 'Shadow King'. Prince Harry asks to be 'Shadow King's Sidekick, Unilluminated Boy'!
Tiger Bringing Golf Down
Ramifications for Woods and his sport are unfolding. "Worse than unscripted wrestling", say some.
Dips Also On Board Some Flights
Airline group sees 2.5 pct dip in holiday travel. Hope to improve with smother rides, no dips.
Another "Kool-Aid Acid Test"?
Novel drug combo improves changes of writing a bestseller while high as a kite.
With Few Exceptions
Florida's judges and lawyers should no longer "friend" each other on Facebook, according to a ruling from the state's Judicial Ethics Advisory Committee. OK if husbands exchange dinner plans,
After Receiving Monitoring Tags
Denmark: nearly 1,000 climate protesters released into the wilds!
Brown In Afghanistan
British PM Gordon Brown in southern Afghanistan. Doesn't remember how he got there. Blames opposition party....party party.
Nuclear Weapons Could Be Dangerous
Kremlin cites progress on weapons treaty with US, saying that everyone only having biological, chemical weapons to destroy the world is enough.
Hell Is Hot But Is It Humid?
Ministers meet for informal climate talks. "Is it hot out here or is it me?"
Obama A Close Second
Mark Ingram, running back, delivers Sweet Home Alabama its first Heisman ever.
Stats Made Up , Exaggerated, But True
E-mails stolen from climate scientists show they stonewalled skeptics and discussed hiding data which they base their man-made global warming proof.
"Why Isn't He Doing Something?"
Homes emptied, vehicles trapped amid California storm, all blamed on that muscle-headed Governor.
Further Currancy Devaluation?
Senate to vote on $1.1 trillion spending bill as several plan to hold up burning dollars if approved.
Straight Adult Only Santa Grottos the 2009 rage!
Adult toy producer LEGGO-VER have opened adult Santa grottos and Mamma/Papa Mia, they're the real f*****g Xmas rage for 2009 even "OUTSTRIPPING" the ZHU ZHU Hamsters!
The Future of the British Monarchy?
Kate plus 1?
Tony Blair accused of twisting facts on Iraq
Katie Price and Pamela Anderson and that dress
turn heads, but for the wrong reasons, at British Comedy Awards
Expenses Always Met!
Putting down his/her Daily Telegraph, a leading politician (who did not want to be named) has said; "It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere!"
Nutritionists say that Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
Halfway through Season Three of "Heroes"...
...and Claire the Cheerleader has not only been unnecessary for all aspects of world saving, her life or death made no difference to what the others did.
Some MPs are convinced they should have top end cars on expenses
almost the same MPs that can't drive because of drink-driving
Ed Balls to ease rules on parent vetting
and parent bed wetting
"Meet the Fockers"
bit like meeting Tiger Woods's flock of 'geese'.
"VIP Treatment for Tiger Woods's Girl"
but which one?
"Single mum Stacey Soloman voted off X Factor"
but wins hearts of frogs hoping to be transformed into princes.
Nobel Peace Prize winner escalates Afghani war
What are you still reading for? The title was the punchline. Though it probably won't be as funny to the parents who are losing their teens over there.
Keeping warmer just got better
A Danish man has come up with an idea for more effective heating in winter: close the window. Yes, he realised that his house is much warmer if he closes his windows to keep out the cold. Brilliant!!
Bush and Blair Form "New World Order Commission"
Both agree that over 200 countries know what a WMD is and their regimes need changing now.
Queen Elizabeth I Rises from the Dead
Protests Lady Gaga's meeting with Queen Elizabeth II.
Anna Friel and Harry Potter Actor make announcement
Harry Potter Junior ...
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