Spoof news snippets from Saturday 12 December 2009
US jihadists called "wholesome"
Oh boy, I can't wait to invite them over for dinner.
Major Sponsors to "Limit" Tiger Woods Role
Adult Video News Signs Tiger to new Rep Contract
"Pupil suspended for crisp dealing"
Can't make this stuff up.
Protesters Demand "Climate Justice"
30 Days in the cooler ought to do it.
Can O'Bama Bully the Bankers Into Making More Loans?
It really comes down to "can" and "can not". The Banker Boys can stop making campaign donations to Democrats, and O'Bama as a slave to Bankers can not Bully them.
Tony Blair Shows Evidence of One WMD
In his defence, Tony Blair has shown evidence of one weapon of mass destruction in the most unexpected place - 10 Downing St. "Just look at the destruction that he has wrought upon our country?" Mr Blair said today
Rowan Williams: " Labour treats us like oddballs"
The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams has said that the Labour Party treats them like oddballs. In Seine News would like to add that is the pot calling the kettle black!
Teaching Bad Habits
A 12 year old schoolboy from Liverpool has been suspended from school for dealing in... CRISPS! The boy, Joseph Pringle said; "they weren't even cannabis flavoured!"
Police found more than they bargained for
Police drug raid turns up twin aliens. Apparently twin aliens are worth two in the bush.
Tiger Woods to move to Arctic and become new North Pole.
Tiger Woods recently told his agent that he would move to arctic and "take on all cummers."
Nobel Prize Speech Criticized
President Obama's Nobel Prize acceptance speech is being criticized for not including all the places in the world where he brought peace. "Didn't mention a single one", states one person in audience.
Tiger not out of the Woods yet?
Oprah Winfrey, Michelle Obama, Martha Stewart and several prominent PGA tour golfers wives have come forward with yet more allegations of Tiger Wood's dominance off the green. More to cum.
Not The Best Start
Copenhagan global warming conference off to a bad start as cartoonist who drew Mohammed shows up with huge poster.
Illuminati secret code discovered!!
It seems that the Illuminati has been hiding in plain sight.
By using the font "wingdings" and pressing shift,begin typing major terrorist related terms.Q77NY and PENTTBOM being two major giveaways.
"Can You See Me , Dad?"
Singer and actor Billy Ray Cyrus will has announced that he has a form of mulletoma as Miley took him to the "Head Shop" for emergency snipping.
Biggest Sales Report Of The Nation
News from the nation's Salvation Army stores, Goodwill Sales and Missions report sales up 33% but soup lines nearly 50%.
Funeral Home Recommends Cremation
Rescuers in Colorado say they have finally found the body of a skier missing since Tuesday. It was stuck to a huge snowball as part of a landslide and is twelve feet tall.
President Obama told by key aides that it will do no good to tax the rich. "Bernie Madoff has done that some time ago."
"There, That Makes 35"
Doctors and nurses in emergency taking great panes to pull out shards after guy rams motorcycle through store window.
Plus Some Math
Kids in the fifth grade at elementary school say they are learning a lot about Mrs. Crabtree's 'idiot son in the basement, lazy-ass husband and the guy she should have married 30 years ago
Victoria's Secret Sales Down
Victoria's Secret Stores say their sales are down. "Bad economy causing many wives to downsize what they already have!"
Congress Tapped Out For Ideas on Things To Tax
Plan is now to Tax Taxes.
New Weekend At Bernies"
New "Weekend At Bernies" Serial has Bernie so decomposed that he's shared with several characters in the film. Watch for the great animation with the two buzzards, Heckle & Jeckle.
Secret Of Old Timer's Sex
89-year-old man tells the Pittsburgh Newspiper that a nerd kept calling him after seeing their article on octogenarians still having sex. "I told him that we call a good eye roll, sex.
108 year old woman strangles 110 year old man in nursing home
"I was in fear of his dentures; he threatened to ram them down my throat unless I continued to give in to his intense sexual demands."
Neighbors Of Paintball Arena Complain
Neighbors of a Paintball Arena in Alabama have complained to authorities there to move it elsewhere. "It's not the paint", stated one. "It's their colorful language once they get hit."
Boiler Explosion But No One Hurt
A mattress-stuffing factory near Memphis, Tennessee suffer s huge gas explosion this morning. No one hurt but several in a cotton-picking mood.
"The Vanguard" Coming To ABC
Should Oprah go ahead and retire, CBS say they may offer something entirely different. It's a show called "The Vanguard" and will have Adam Lambert, Elton John, Little Richard and Bruce Vilanch.
Even Beard Is Real
The latest speculation of the CIA about Cuba is that Fidel died and that's Fidel & Raul Castro's sister posing as Fidel. The sister that never married.
Still The Same
Monday, the Fed is expected to keep it's lowered key interest rate to one percent. Unfortunately, that's the same rate that employers say they will hire each 100 applicants for jobs in 2010.
Secret MOD laptop stolen
So secret no one at the MOD knows about it.
We're Right On Top Of This One
FEMA says they are finally through with the Katrina Disaster and are now headed for the Tiger Woods mess.
If you park your car at Dubai international airport
You risk a 'red notice' and a spot on Interpol's most wanted list.
Better Check Brigham 4:76
In Lake Agustine, Utah a bearded lady whose circus had gone under is suing a Mormon man for not taking her as one of his wives, after her new conversion.
Athlete who won gold for UK
is running for his life from UK deportation border control officers
Darling on the state of the UK economy
'Well, its in a state."
'The man who makes millions from miniature art'
Commissioned by Russian Rocket Forces to build miniature ICMB test fleet; "To avoid more embarrassments," said head of Russian Rocket Forces.
UK's cherished AAA status not under threat
- for now, says news reports.
Climate Protestors in Copenhagen
Woods takes 'indefinite break from golf'
"Just too indefinite", says the world of golf.
Tony Blair: "Iraq invasion was right"
or wrong, according to experts.
Ellie Goulding - "who knew"
Related to Eric Coulding.
"Rowan Williams": ministers treat faith as a 'problem'"
They want to lock us up on insanity wards; the UK is getting more like Stalin's USSR under Gordon Brown than under Stalin.
'MPs urge mininum price for alcohol'
"Our expense claims won't cover the top notch stuff'
Archbishop: "Lack of faith is a problem"
- among the clergy.
What a Woman wants; one, two, three
Too much of Tiger Woods - 'apparently'.
British lawyers furious
that English law protects Woods's private parts
Tiger Woods "philosophical about it all"
'I just need to get out of the rough,' said Woods.
"Iran agrees to nuclear fuel swap, with caveats"
'We will do what we want with the stuff'
Tiger Woods to take break from pro golf
"He worries that he will try for another 19th hole", said a close friend.
Top U.N. Official to leave his expenses paid house
- sometime in March
Obama wishes Jews worldwide a Happy Hanukkah
and tells them that "Their Time is Coming" - whatever that means.
Tiger Woods picks up "Highest Bang for the Buck" Award
no further comment
Norwegians "somewhat peeved"
President Obama told the Norwegians that if pacifists had its way then Norway would still be occupied by the Nazis. Well, in 'so many words'.
In a Thatcheresque U-Turn if you want to
Obama Talks "War War" at Nobel Peace Prize event.
From The Diary Of Sharpton
"So I thought, this is one of those dreams about being naked on the street so I just let myself go. However, this was that one in a million chance that it was true, but the congregation kept with me."
Joe Hunter Death Inquiry
Police now believe that the late rhythm & blues singer Ivory Joe Hunter was poisoned by poachers for his ivory.
Nothing Comes Cheap
Beans and potatoes diet no longer thrifty in California where they have passes a passed gas surcharge of $1.00 per pound.
Thought He's Grow Out Of It!
Parent says she should have noticed early signs in son when he killed all the neighborhood pets.
Victoria Beckham - advised to have a bunionectomy
and a lobotomy.
P'Bama blasts Banks for Opposing Regulations Overhaul
Banks respond by cutting political donations to Democrats. Melee ensues.
"Here Boy" the tiny cellphone collar snap, now available for your dog.
Drank A Bit
"Old Wrinkled Pinky" the rapper , who sold nearly fifty-five recordings in his career, dead at 29.
Bristol Tired Of Jokes
Bristol Palin, daughter of former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin says she is growing weary of all the "Yo mamma" jokes.
Blair: I would have removed Saddam Hussein Anyway
"We really wanted those Iraqi Oil Fields for Shell Oil, and removing Saddam and toppling the government was the easiest way to take them."
Shatner and Palin on Tonight Show
Captain Kirk and Mrs. Quirk lock horns in Science vs. Bible headbutting contest.
NRA: Guns & Bibles!
The National Rifle Association have adopted President Obama's "Guns & Bibles" remark as their new national slogan.
Its Now Official- Barack O'Bama Wasn't Ready to be President
Perhaps we can upgrade with a trade for Putin.
Really Far Out!
Remains of Timothy Leary pay surprise visit to the international space station.
Nothing To Do With It
Those studying events leading up to 9/11 say recovered old e-mails from former President in 1999 are mostly penis enlargement ads.
They're On Endangered List
Greenpeace told to stop their study of Eskimo breeding habits immediately!
The Right Snuff
Interpol discovers gang who wanted to snuff Copenhagen leaders at conference there.
Taxes Rolling Up
The state of California which has raised the taxes charged on the cost of cigarettes and beer, now may charge tax over a certain amount of tire rotations, according to Dept. of Transportation.
Lithium Could Save The Planet
Lithium, the wonder metal that fires your phone, new electric car and iPod, is being used in batteries so much that it may save the planet from overpopulation. "It is highly unstable", says Scientist.
May Lead To More Tailgaiting!
Makers of small fuel-efficient cars to improve crash records by placing hard steel three feet bumpers on the front.
Immigration Raid Nets 280 Arrests In California
INS Officials say they conducted a sweeping raid In California yesterday, netting 280 arrests of illegals. Of the 280, 279 had been arrested 99 times or more previously by the same officers.
Mouth Organ Arrives
Investigation of "organs for sale" from overseas increases after man receives harmonica for $10,000.
Company Falling Behind
Single maker of Swine flu vaccine falls further behind. "Could we possibly interest you in something for the shits?"
Money To Burn!
The US Treasury Department has ordered Americans to quit burning money for heat, even though we realize it's the lowest cost way of heating homes.
At Least It Sounds Good
Senate bill that would give medicare to 55 and over now say it will begin social security at 40. "There's no money in there anyway, so what?"
Saves Some Bread
Third quarter up as many take advantage of McDonald's new 75 cent Bunless Burger.
Can't Quit Heaving
William Shatner sex video appears on the internet causing several to be hospitalized for dehydration, after happening upon site by accident.
Obama Take Advantage Of Visit
President Obama takes some time off on Copenhagen visit to purchase some cheap snuff for his mother-in-law.
Give It Room!
Poll reveals that most people thin that the Hadron Collider is a new type of Hummer automobile.
Sudden Freeze Catch Several Off Guard
Massive storm suddenly hits the US northeast as several freeze on spot as emergency crew, good Samaritan neighbors carry them inside.
The Talking Monkeys
Scientist: The talking monkeys are the key to how language evolved. "Well, Mordicai over there stated, 'Let's just be honest with these human' & it sort of took off from there", stated Carl Chimp.
"Big Brother" Brutal
The picture that could land you in jail: How police in Big Brother Britain treat you like a terrorist for taking holiday snaps of papers inside formerly locked cabinets.
Bogus Veteran Arrested
Bogus 'SAS veteran' arrested after being caught parading with 'impossible' medal haul, banana taped inside pants.
16-Year-Olds On The Pill
Girls get the Pill on demand: Now 16-year-olds can pick up contraceptive without prescription, money if they're cute enough.
Gordon Brown Enters Record Books As the Most Generous Scotsman... EVER!
Having just given away €1.5 billion, Gordon Brown has entered the Guinness Book of Records as the most generous Scotsman ever to have lived. Already, this year he has given away over £500 billion
Pee-wee's Big Comeback
Pee-wee Herman's big comeback as Big-Wanker Herman after Swedish operation.
Openly Gay In Houston
Houston voters may elect openly gay mayor who performs with partner on Houston local TV.
Palin Turns Tables On Shatner
Sarah Palin made a surprise appearance on "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" on Friday and turned the tables on actor William Shatner by shooting that thing off Shatner's head, probably a tribble.
Tige Off Golf!
Tiger Woods has announced that he is taking an 'indefinite' leave from golf, senses.
Printing Coasts: $10Million
Senate set to advance $1.1Trillion for spending bill after the 30 days that it takes to print that much money.
Pakistan Prime Minister says South Waristan, Blowupistan offensive over.
Lawyers Give Caylee Anthony Death Details
From the evidence they have collected, one day the little girl was alive and then another time later she was dead.
Shell Wins Iraq Oil Field Contract
'Tis the season to be Jolly, fa la la la laaa la la la la.
Teacher-student sex OK , judge rules
Great, now every fine looking babe will be getting A's for their course.
Clinton Slams Iran as Exporter of Terror
Earlier today it was announced that Israel had surpassed the United States in arms and munitions exports.
Woman, 98 Murders Room Mate, 100 at Massachusetts Nursing Home
Prosecutor says he will be seeking the Death Penalty.
Senior al-Quaida leader killed by Dron I.D'd.
As Director or External Operations, he was primarily responsible for carrying ammo boxes.
Co-Defendant: Amanda Knox "Not Capable of Murder"
Nonetheless she ain't stay'in overnight with my daughter for no slumber party.
Pentagon Develops New Cluster Bomb for Use on Taliban
The new bomb blows up before impact dispersing replica Nobel Peace Prizes onto Taliban militants.
PGA Tour Players Deny Interviews Ever Happened
Quotes attributed to PGA tour Players are now being denied. Stating that the interviews never happened, they are reported to having sent thank you notes to Tiger as they headed off to Las Vegas.
Pervert eagerly awaits "Avatar"
"Pussy with boobs?", said John Q. Pervman, "I am soooo there!"
Aging Aunt dreading Christmas
She wishes that her son and his family would leave her alone this year, and not insist on having her over. "I'd rather spend it with my girlfriend", the 55 year old closet lesbian said.
Congress interferes with private mercenary corporation
They are being investigated for assassination and such. But not to worry, they've changed their name, the CIA assures us they are innocent, and the appropriate Congressman are being bought off.
Tiger Woods to Star in New Prime Time Game Show
The new show to be called "Sexual Jeopardy."
House Passes Financial Rules Revamp
Political Donations will now be Tax Deductible for Banks and Investment Firms.
'Tis the Season to be Jolly....Fa la la la laa la la la la
Report: Pallestinian Sex Trafficking To Israel Exists
Seems appropriate. The reverse sure doesn't sound fun.
Tiger Switches from Road Beef Commander to Fishing Fleet Captain
New Fishing fleet hunt for blond mermaids that smell like fish.
Organic Food Supplier Fined
for adding worker to the harvest
Out for a fast buck
Grave robbers steal the bones of Tassos Papadopoulos, former president of Cyprus.
Lindsay Lohan saves 40 sparrows
Nest Soup fans furious, hopping mad and spitting fire.
Tiger Woods Holed Up On His Yacht.
Says something smells like fish.
"There Must Have Been Some Unrine In..."
New song knocks off "Walking Round In Women's Underwear" as worst Holiday song. This year it's "Frosty The Yellowish Snowman".
US collapse near?
More than 50% of all adults in the US are now either on a government payroll or some form of government assistance.
Yes my dear, the end is near.
Really Hate That
The most unpopular color for new bedrooms in 2009: Michael Jackson Corpse Gray!
Reveral of Fortune for Federal Employees
Bonuses for banking executives have been capped at less than $ 1M per year,(poor bastards) salaries for Federal employees have skyrocket with over 200,000 making over $ 170K per year.(lucky bastards)
Reason To Be Thankful
One of the things Americans said they were the most thankful for this Thanksgiving was that we could eat like horses till January 1st.
King Visited Manson Again
Stephen King back to visit Charles Manson cell to interview Manson's "friends" for his new book.
Boom!! Found One!
Sniffer rats are being trained to detect landmines according to a Cornish animal expert who is training rats to detect landmines. "You have to train them in groups as each one is a suicide rat."
Congress Puts Cap On Health Insurance Benefits
Perfect. Now all the insurance companies have to do is increase premiums.
EPA Employs High School Science Class Dropouts
Dry ice manufactures gave the EPA the cold shoulder. The group told the EPA that "high school science class dropouts" should not be designating Carbon Dioxide as a harmful gas.
Tiger Woods Goes into Hiding
Rumors are circulating that Tiger Woods is hiding out at the Apache Oasis Bordello located in Bordello Falls AZ.
Medicare to the Rescue
House Speaker Pelosi still desires a health care bill public option, with Medicare as the existing government vehicle. She has proposed an amendment to include all six billion people on the planet.
New Climate Research
Climate Change Conference to ban all children's bicycles with training wheels! The consensus is based on environmentalist research that such vehicles generate more carbon dioxide than a 747 jetliner.
What Next Phasers?
The different religious sects in Iraq have been killing each other & innocent people for over 1300 years. They have used rocks, knives, guns & now bombs are the weapon of choice! What next phasers?
You Win Some, You Lose Some
Gator Aid has dropped Tiger Woods from their advertisements, but Viagra has picked up his endorsement.
EPA Writing a New Rule on Carbon Dioxide
President Obama has requested the EPA to write a new rule to limit the amount of CO2 a person is allowed to exhale. Included cost offsets allow special people to exhale to their hearts content.
Osama bin Laden Found
Osama bin Laden has been identified as a writer for "The Spoof" and is believed living in the East End of London. CIA and MI6 officials are mulling over conducting a missile attack.
Tiger Woods Takes Leave from Professional Golf
New Identification and plastic surgery to follow.
New one star speed record set!
In an awesome display of how much attention one man can pay to another, my latest snippets got one-starred within two minutes of being posted! The previous record had been five minutes!
WASP minority of one on the Supreme Court
There is only one WASP on the court, versus six Catholics, two Jews, women, blacks, hispanics...the President is being called upon to pledge to appoint a token straight white male Protestant next.
The Princess and the Frog
Disney is remaking it so that the Princess is black, to make up for their Uncle Remus crap of old. But don't worry, misplaced sexual innuendos, fart jokes, and other Disney staples are untouched.
Duggar's have 19th baby
One more and God has promised them a free extra one. Actually, the baby is premature, and so the reality show that feeds their kids is counting it as "18 and 1/2" kids. The Duggars are trying again.
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