Spoof news snippets from Friday 11 December 2009
Dyslexic Times "Tiger's 18 hoes"
Tiger goes 18 hoes with 2 hoes in one screams local paper, what the "l" says his manager, he loves his birdies.
Giant iceberg heading for Australia
a decent head butt should put it into touch
Gordon Brown agrees to spend £1.5 billion of your money for 'climate action'
as if things are not hot enough already
'The Royle Family'
It takes at least two to have a Royle Family flutter
Lessons from a 'model farmer'
'Get out while you still can'
Ministers doubt Brown poll strategy
- what! Only now they doubt him!
An Invitation to Meet Gordon Brown
- 'between land and loch' at the junction between 'high and low water' at 'full moon' in 'deepest darkest winter'.
Remember How Big Those Were?
It was only 42 years ago this December that the Fantastic Fatass Burgers changed their name to McDonalds, even though McDonald hat a big fat ass.
'It could happen to you' or Darling
Brown denies rift with Darling after blocking VAT rise
Tiger Woods 'did not pay for sex'
- but he sure had a hell of a lot of it
Another "Tiger Girl" emerges
- 'from the woodwork'.
One Bad Apple
China has stated that only one person was involved in the electronic spy network which researchers say infiltrated computers in government offices around the world. Announce that "He is now no more."
Better Clean Keyboard
Physicians report that a hacking cough is a sure indicator that you have a computer virus.
"Let Me Hear An Offer!"
Report: Many car dealers are recruiting former high school, college cheerleaders as sales representatives.
Year Of The Gun!
It's been the year of the gun in Tennessee. In a flurry of legislative action, handgun owners won the right to take weapons onto sports fields & playgrounds but not to jail. "Are you nuts?', asks one.
Little Extra Makes All The Difference
The Obama administration's pay czar is limiting the cash compensation for executives at companies that received the largest taxpayer bailouts to $500,000, 2010 Calendar with Obama on it.
Heather Mills: "My Best Decade"
When Heather Mills lost her leg, she thought it was the end of the world. Yet a decade later she claims that it has been her very best decade. "You win some, you lose some." She said, with a smile.
Australia get infected by Brit disease "Binge Drinking"
Australia is in the midst of an epidemic called the "Brit Binge Drinking Virus" and are calling in riot squads to deal with it! 1 draconian puinshment is deportation back to the UK, SHOCK, HORROR!
Darling on Boiler Scrappage
Labour Party treasurer, Alistair Darling, reputedly said that he got the idea about boiler scrappage from watching his mother-in-law.
EU to Donate €7 Billion toward Climate Change
The European Union will generously donate €7 billion to help developing countries combat climate change, the EU president announced today. Naturally, Great Britain will be paying the greater share!
Rottweiler Bites MP and Survives!
A Rottweiler allegedly bit an MP and survived. "My dog Jake will have to wear a muzzle for the rest of his life, but the vet said he had a lucky escape and should pull through okay." His owner said
Still A Few Bugs!
The Hadron Collider is down again after another moth got in and go zapped!
Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy confirm that Susan Boyle has talent!
US UGLY supertars, Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy back UGLY Susan Boyle to conquer the US and Beyonce, Fergie, Lady Ga GA, Gwen Stefani have cancelled all appointments with their Plastic Surgeons!
Pole Quits Team
Polish athlete who was getting ready for the next Summer Olympics has quit, saying he's tired of people jumping over him.
Good? Why It's Favrefegnugen!
People from state of Minnesota are beginning to use the word, "Favrefegnugen" in their vocabulary an awful lot.
Nader Wins One
Ralph Nader reveals a different side of himself as he wins New York Klingon Scrabble contest.
Fantom of Opera Strikes Again
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
US Closing Prisons?
The US has stopped running its global network of secret prisons, says one warden's statement made from who knows where, according to somebody.
Student who hurled hamster at wall 'like a snowball' guilty of animal cruelty, off the wall behavior.
Gay Soldier Tells His Story
Gay soldier serving in Afghanistan reveals moment he 'came out of the tank' to his Army comrades.
The Brown, Balls Report
Darling's plan to halt spending in Pre-Budget Report 'overruled by both Brown and Balls'.
Driver, Passengers Given The Boot
Winter blunder-land: Britons on trip to Christmas spectacular end up at Belgian 'car boot sale' as coach driver gets lost, then given two other kind of boot by boss, several angry passengers.
Birthday Candle Flames Freeze
Temperatures to plummet to -3C as Britain faces a weekend of freezing fog, ice, wild Skoob birthday parties.
Bat Masterson Gone
Actor Gene Barry, dapper TV western hero, stage star, dies of Gabby Hayes Disease.
Sawyer Leaving GMA
Diane Sawyer exits from 'Good Morning America'! Her first story: "That Idiot Over At CBS!"
O'Brien Turned Down
Notre Dame picks Kelly to revive football. Many surprised over The Fighting Irish picking of Kelly.
Many Making Their Own
Price of gold up another 10%. The price of lead for bullets, up 50%, because of shortage. New Bullet factories planned.
Peace Prize Speech Approved
President Obama's speech, "It Takes A Beer Conference" goes well in Norway.
NBC News Ratings Up!
NBC News is actually up a bit in the ratings after their only covering Tiger Woods for a week, having Adam Lambert shows daily.
T. Rex Display In Oregon
Bones of T. Rex to make museum debut in Oregon. "Believe it or not, these guys were a pretty fair British band."
Let's Start Again With This
New fossils shed light on evolution of dinosaurs. Huge lizards apparently evolved from obese Neanderthals as each bred the other for their meat.
"The CD Peddler" Killed
Police kill CD peddler in Times Square shootout. "Some of those CD's promoted the killing of people over trivialities", say police chief.
Flynt Carries On Proud Tradition
When it comes to peddling porn, Larry Flynt wants you to know his videos of people having sex are a cut above other smut on the rack. "Our work carries certain moral responsibilities."
Free The Copenhagen 40!
40 detained at climate protests in Copenhagen can't tell what they were protesting. "Just say a way to have a bit of fun."
Illiterate Farmers To Police
US Marines train illiterate farmers to be police, don't know what to do with all the plowshares.
Loophole Black Hole Swallowing Health Bill
Health care loophole would allow coverage limits. "Anything over $10,000 to be paid by those covered."
Mission Still Critical
Defense secretary tells US troops Iraq mission critical. "We've only another ten years and we're outa here."
Al-Qaida After Somali Pirates?
Filipino abductors who freed 10 more hostages, still holding 47, taken hostage by Somali pirates.
Whole World Thankful For Peace At Last
Nobel award in hand, President Obama deserves "acting" award also!
Own A Piece Of History
Grave robbers have dug up the coffin of former Cyprus President Tassos Papadopoulos and stolen his corpse, police said Friday. Also, strangely phrased 'for sale" item on eBay.
We'll Get It Right
Russia's new nuclear-capable missile suffered another failed test launch, the defence ministry said Thursday, solving the mystery of another blue light UFO, disappearance of Russian town.
More Good Stuff Revealed?
Privacy advocates slammed revamped Facebook privacy controls on Thursday, saying the change masks a move to get members to expose more information, other good stuff, online.
Climate Takes Toll
European Union nations commit $3.6 billion to climate fraud. Sorry, that should have read "fund".
Save the cheerleader...
...and you will save the world. Sadly, it will still take you and a dozen others 23 episodes to do this in, and the audience will see that she will have had nothing to do with the saving of NYC.
Coke and Costco kissed and made up
After several marriage therapy sessions, Coca Cola has agreed to move back in with Costco, after Costco promised to try and understand and respect Coke more. Coke also promised more blowjobs.
Mass graves needed?
The CDC reported that nearly 10,000 people have died of Swine Flu. Given that there are no vaccines, just government shots to put the mark of the beast on you, things are looking bad.
McDonalds Heats Up Breakfast Wars with 99 Cent Items
Change back when you vomit.
US Officials Say Top al-Quaida Cheif Killed
Would that be top al-Qaida Chief # 998 or top al-Quaida Chief # 999?
Baghdad Bombs Kill More Than 100 Today
Yep, this nation building exercise is complete and ready for tourists. Which airlines fly there?
Pro Golfers Deny Bashing Tiger Woods
What kind of an idiot would admit to having anal sex with Woods anyway???????
US in Red for 14th Straight Month
Better raise the white flag before we all turn blue and freeze to death.
McCartney: Marrying Mills a Mistake
Noooo, Really Paul?
Cap and Bankruptcy
California liberals instituted "Cap and Trade" and have a $54 billion deficit. President Obama wants to hold all Americans to a higher bankruptcy standard by invoking "Cap and Trade" nationally!"
EPA to Regulate Gas Emissions
Environmentalist's claim the longer time spent sitting on the potty, the more noxious gases are emitted. President Obama has asked the EPA to regulate the time people can spend sitting on the potty.
One goes to Sweden for a sex change operation and to Denmark for a climate change conference or visa versa? How many delegates got it wrong?
Bridge for Sale
Some US Senators say "Cap and Trade" legislation would only cost Americans 50 cents more per day. If you believe this, I have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale!
Tiger Woods Arrested
Tiger Woods was arrested by the FBI, but not for adultery. Tiger violated an EPA rule that only allows golfers to have three mistresses, not four at any given time.
Danish EPA declares SMOG alert in Copenhagen based on 15,000 delegates passing harmful gases during the climate change conference.
CAVEMAN 1: "@$#%^&!" (Snow's melting, must be due to global warming.) CAVEMAN 2: "$*@!!&^%" (Knock it off Gore, the fire is melting the snow!)
Iranian Scientists Baffled
The Pinocchio effect, when someone lies their nose gets longer, doesn't work in Iran. UN observers notice that whenever Iranian President Ahmadinejad lies, another body part gets bigger.
Naderites are not meteorites, although both are as dumb as a box of rocks!
Doing More with Less
Ideological Republicans want to do "more with less!" For example, the Republican Party may prove itself mindless by selecting Sarah Palin for president in 2012. Didn't the Democrats just do the same?
Out of this World
A bordello was discovered on a distant planet in another galaxy. Alien women have twice the number of assets as Earth women and there is always a "two-for" sale happening! Don't ask about alien men!
Environmental Cleanup in NYC
NYC declares United Nations (UN) buildings situated on the East River a hazardous waste dump. An anonymous city official stated that "the UN has been producing a lot of Crap in the last few years."
Lawyers Turning Green
300 million Americans have decided to ignore EPA rulings about greenhouse gases being harmful. The federal government will go bankrupt trying to hire enough lawyers to sue everyone!
Romo Volunteers to hold balls again for kicks
and Jessica Simpson is sitll volunteering to hold Romos's balls for kicks.
At Least Every 100 Sneezes
The Food & Drug Administration warns all Americans who suffer constantly from colds, to change handkerchiefs often.
Worse Every Day
In a new poll out today, it shows that more and more of American children are suffering from reader's block.
Judge Holds Pentagon In Contempt
Gates orders Judge to be detained via special rendition.
Bush Library Ready To Open
George W. Bush Library has began placing items inside as jump suit, segway and big box of Archie comics arrive by UPS truck.
No Longer Sweating It!
one hundred year woman at nursing home says she feels a lot of relief. "Check your newspaper obits. You almost never see anyone dying over a hundred years old."
Concerts A Success
Willie Nelson, Neil Young & John Mellencamp to get special Grammy for Farm Aid as only 5% of farmers now get aids.
One Year Pill
Pharmcy Company invents new once a year vitamin pill, but it's so large you have to break it into 300-400 pieces in order to swallow it.
Do You Know Mr. Shit?
Man legally changes his name to Jack Shit so that he no longer has to fear anyone trying to steal his identity.
No Longer Important
Now that she is a supreme court judge, Judge Sotomayor admits she killed, skinned and ate three Republicans.
Mullen: 16,000 Troops Ordered to Die in Afghan War
Democrats forward Bill to provide for 32,000 Afghan Muslims to be relocated to USA.
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