Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 1 December 2009
Pumpkin shortage real
The Great Pumpkin is upset at the decline in his worshippers since the death of Charles Schultz.
Hadron Collider Running Well
Large Hadron Collider Up and Running. Drunk in Las Vegas keeps reporting black hos outside his hotel room window.
Cowboy Motorist Helps
Cowboy motorist helps Mass. troopers lasso 2 cows. "We don't know who the masked man was, but he left a silver bullet."
A flatulent pig sparked a gas emergency in southern Australia when a farmer mistook its odors for a leaking pipe, according to officials. "It turned out to be a pig in a poke", stated one official.
So you lost your Facebook account
Don't worry reader, your computer is working fine. You lost your account because of their new policy of cancelling the accounts of sex offenders.
Canada attempts to grow balls
Ever since the ice started to melt and reveal oil deposits, Canada has been holding war game exercises up there. "It's cute", said Hillary Clinton. "They're acting like they're an actual country."
Conservatives discuss global warming
On a cruise from Japan to Sweden, by way of the newly formed Northeast Passage above Russia, conservatives discussed global warming. "Nope, we've not seen any indication", they concluded.
U.N. to create head tax
Everyone on Earth must send the U.N. one dollar. This will allow them to bailout Dubai, a city "too big to fail". Of course, the $8 billion raised will only be a down payment, so send $1 each day.
The U.S. is starting to suspect...
...that the reason the Arab world hates us is not for our laughable illusion of "freedom", but more because we've killed several hundred thousand of them (at least), in the past quarter century.
Tom Arnold complains about new wife
"Ashley isn't half the woman my first wife was.", he said in an interview today. "Heck, not even a third." Roseanne was unavailable for comment, having reached her Chandrasekhar Limit and imploded.
Rover reveals doggie secret
"We hate that old joke about how we lick our balls because we can.", said spokesdoggie Rover in a recent tell all interview. "We clean them so our bitches don't complain when they lick them."
Rachel Uchitel is angrily denying having slept with a billionaire sports hero loved around the world. Glenn Beck wonders if it is because Tiger is half Thai.
Social Security to be cut
Though the dollar amount per month will be the same, it will buy less due to government caused inflation. Yet they are hoping that since most of the retirees went to public school, they won't notice.
Tiger Woods finally issued traffic citation
Windermere Mayor Gary Bruhn: "Now it's time to move on. Let our residents get back to normalcy," which apparently means having a secretive, Caucafricasian, billionaire golf prodigy living next door.
Husband Denies Crash
Couple didn't crash White House, husband says. "You've gotten us mixed up with Tiger Woods. Happens all the time."
The Obama Limits
Obama commits 30,000 troops, said to want war over in 3 years, two months and six days. Will check with secretary for the minutes.
President Obama commits political suicide. Interrupts "A Charlie Brown Christmas" with announcement about troops sent to Afghanistan.
Today's Thought (All Day Long)
More wisdom from the Dolly Parton: It not only costs a lot to look this cheap, these two babies here cost one mill each.
Saved At The Last Minute
In Iran, a lady who was about to be stoned was saved at the last minute when she managed to show her marriage license and declare herself occupied territory, as husband was helping to pick up rocks.
Former Miss Argentina gets a bum deal
Surgeon says, "No problem. I could perform this one with my eyes closed." Solange Magnano subsequently dies of gluteoplasty complications. Smart-ass doctor not feeling so cheeky now.
Making A Statement
An Arkansas woman who claimed she was making a statement for Earth Day by her tribute to what mankind is doing to Mother Earth, by throwing her garbage in a small creek, got fined $100 nevertheless.
Italien porno-crazy police crash their prize possession, a Fiat 600!
after watching porno in a pimped up Fiat 600, originally a Lamborghini, 2 Italian policemen crash the vehicle and now Italy suspects Mafia involvement whilst Berlusconi claims I am innocenti!
"She Demanded It! Uhoh!"
Woman, 77, says that she was pressured into buying a car. Salesman with flaming pants denies it.
Cloned Federer Suicide Bombers attack Switzerland!
Bin Laden has a genial solution for bombing the Swiss after the Minaret affair, he has launched an army of terrorist "Federer" look-alike clones to teach the Swiss a lesson in Minaret Building!
Alec Baldwin says he will quit acting
However, the question in the mind of most of us is, "When had he started acting?"
California divorce ban worries the dumb
"If this passes, we'd have to hope that there would be some place we could divorce anyway.", said John Q. Public. "Some place known to be easy, and close by. Like Reno, but right near the border."
Miss Argentina dies
Apparently a routine cosmetic surgery on her butt went disastrously wrong. The coroner's full report is not yet out, but preliminarily he notes that her ass was definitely cracked.
Taliban laughs at Obama
After Obama plagiarized Nixon, in calling for a handing off of security from America to a newly trained Afghani Army, the Taliban laughed. "Train an Army? Who's he think has been kicking his ass?"
Snake Swallowed Itself
Snake that tried to swallowed itself had apparently ben allowed to watch porn movie with owner, who eventually saved it.
Expenses Scandal Bad
Expenses scandal is worst crisis to hit Commons since 1941 bombs, Jack The Ripper in Whitechapel, says Bercow.
Failing The Three "R" s
Primary school league tables 2009: More than half of 11-year-olds in worst schools fail in the three Rs: Readin', Retalin & Rithmetic!
Really Nice If You Caught A Glimpse
Lowly shop assistant draws 3,000-strong crowd as he switches on town's Christmas lights. Thirty seconds of beauty, then whole town blacks out!
Floods, Rains & Winds!
Temperatures plummet to -9C as Britain says goodbye to 'wettest November ever'. Hope to have wettest December ever in drinking to forget it!
Wheelie Bin Fines Bringing In Millions
Young father fined £550, for leaving his wheelie bin outside his own home for at least half an hour after pick-up.
The Talking Balls
Unmarried parents are NOT second-class citizens, says Balls, to that!
Rachel Uchitel, Fartologist
Tiger Woods' 'other woman' Rachel Uchitel speaks: 'His wife must feel horrible and I look like a homewrecker. All he did was come to me about farting problem!"
Lots Of Rhetoric
The dangers of revolutionary right-wing rhetoric! Nothing wrong found in left-wing rhetoric!
Rome Taxis Wiping Out!
Rome taxis seek to wipe out tourist scams, "presents" left by babies on the back seat.
German Tourist Arrested
German tourist arrested in Disney fake bomb threat. Claims he was testing for his plans for "Taliban Land" that he was going to submit.
Three-day music fest set for home of the Kentucky Derby in uh, Kentucky?
Victoria's Secret Out!
Models compete for Victoria's Secret runway spots. Viewers fight over tickets!
Arnold Marries Again
Actor-comedian Tom Arnold marries for the fourth time, officially.
Polanski Release Delayed Again
Polanski now in Swiss jail until at least Friday as Swiss try the old "carrot on a stick" ploy.
Employers Playing Dr. Mom
Employers play Dr. Mom to limit swine flu impact. "It's the grown-up version of 'Doctor', anything for an excuse", states one office boss.
Swine Flu Less Widespread
CDC: Swine flu less widespread, down to 32 states, Skoob in Britain!
FTC Explores Internet Journalism!
FTC explores future of journalism in Internet age, beginning with all those wonderful writers of TheSpoof!
It May Be Untrue But We're Committed!
Leaders say momentum building on climate change as most of recently discovered cover-up of making up numbers now burned in trash.
New Zealand Too Cold
Winds drive Icebergs away from New Zealand! "We're headed for Australia, too cold here", say Jewish family.
But Only Initually!
GE, Vivendi deal paves way for NBC, MSNBC sale to Comcast, IRS!
Can't Have It Both Ways!
More consumers late on auto loan payments in third quarter. "Let the government make a few payments if they want us to spend on Christmas", say most.
Oil Trader Excuses
Oil rises to near $78 as traders eye Iran tension, corn husks thicker for bad winter.
Defnse Official Talked To Crashers
Defense official communicated with White House crashers. "I thought they were some of those Britney, Timberlake types", says 55-year-old.
New Phrase Coined
Gibbs: Deployment to Afghan will be accelerated! "Faster than Tiger Woods can leave his driveway!"
Obama Got The Ass
Obama described as 'angry' over security breach as seven other gate crashers merely wore excellent masks of Biden, Pelosi, etc. Films show two of each in same area.
Tiger Cites Injuries
Woods withdraws from own tourney, citing injuries to his face. "Can't go on camera this way", states Tiger.
Wood's Crash Hampers Neighbors
Woods' crash hampers wealthy neighbors' privacy. "Can't even walk around in the buff anymore", complains one.
Iran Still Paranoid
Iran warns of tough action against British sailors who tried to take over country with attack by racing yacht!
Video Conference Held
Obama, Karzai hold video conference, talk strategy. Do a little karaoke.
Long Debate Ahead!
Long, tiring debate ahead for health care bill with a lot of bitter pills to swallow.
Jackson Bumps Britney
Jackson bumps Spears from atop Yahoo '09 searches. "I felt his cold hand on my panty-less bottom giving me a shove."
Gold Still #2
Gold hits record near $1,200/oz as dollar slips. Still #2 investment after "food".
UN Slams Swiss
UN slams 'discriminatory' Swiss minaret ban. Most waiting to find out what "Minaret" means.
Knew It All Along!
Lots of Exercise in Midlife May Lead to Osteoarthritis! "See", says 300-pound couch potato!
California Still Trying Anything To Shock!
Movement under way in California to ban divorce, especially by Hollywood actors & actresses.
The Taliban Have Goodies!
Marines to be first wave in new Afghanistan plan, followed by rush of Black Friday Holiday Shoppers!
Las Vegas Rebound
Las Vegas rebound riding on $8.5B CityCenter, Hookerama!
Not Really Gate-Crashing
Salahi denies being White House party-crasher. "We were invited by a guard who saw us and asked us to come on in and sit for a spell."
Obama Sending Troops He Campaigned Against
30,000 Marines to be first wave in new Afghanistan plan, the 16th Obama campaign promise broken.
Shooter Dead Again
Sheriff's spokesman: Police fatally shoot suspect in Seattle, apparently for the second time.
Max Miedinger confesses
"When I invented Helvetica script, it was as a joke.", he said. "I wanted to come up with something boring, a jab at the corporate world's uniformity. I didn't realize it would take off. My bad."
NAMBLA donates to "Toys for Tots"
However, they did send a letter with their thirty two ton donation of toys. It asked, "Just how many tots do we get per ton of toys?"
Demjanjuk on trial...
...for not refusing the laws of his nation, thus avoiding a death sentence for himself and his family. Meanwhile, any U.S. or Israeli soldier who disobeys orders is still court martialed - as always.
Rachel Uchitel's Thanksgiving stunner...
Rachel Uchitel recently dropped a shocker while with her family this Thanksgiving. "I only want dark meat.", she said. "I just can't get enough." Her mom was concerned, but said it was her choice.
Swiss beg, "Commit terrorism here, too!"
Lamenting several centuries of peace, the Swiss voted to outlaw minarets and give the finger to Muslims. Next up, they plan on bitch slapping the Virgin Mary, all in an attempt to get an attack.
Out of a dozen holocausts in the past 125 years...
...should we wonder why the Chinese controlled media in Hollywood only shows movies about their holocaust? Why don't they show the Congo one? Or the Ukrainian one? Or the little known Jewish one?
"Celebrity" news hits all time low
The guy who used to be the sidekick on a show about a talking car used to be married to some woman you've not heard of. Recently, she was arrested for DUI. Somehow, you're supposed to care.
Police stake out empty house...
...while looking for the guy who killed four of them stuffing their faces with donuts. Said Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrain, "We forgot about infra red detectors, and frankly, were scared to go in."
Mike Huckabee is a cop killler
Or so the media would have you believe, while ignoring all the criminals who have fleeced us of billions of dollars pardoned by former Presidents of a liberal bent.
Somalia pirates hijacked a Yemeni freighter carrying 100,000 tons of sewage and demanded a $1.5 million ransom. The Yemen government said no, as they didn't give a crap!
Health Care Debate
The health care bill debate begins today in the US Senate. The American Red Cross is standing by to provide first aid items such as band aids, Iodine, bandages and splints.
General McChrystal swore in Michaele & Tareq Salahi, as two new US soldiers. The president felt it is fitting justice that their first mission in Afghanistan is to infiltrate Taliban headquarters.
California Divorce Ban
A loony tune wants to ban divorce in California. The governor is against this measure, as 50% of the population would leave the state. Thus, the other 50% would have to pay all the taxes!
Change is in the Air
Representative B. Frank, who will tax anything that moves, is relocating to San Francisco CA to feel more at home. He plans to challenge House Speaker Pelosi for her seat, in 2010!
Majority of Dubai's Citizens to be Sent to Debtor's Prison
93% of Dubai's citizens will be sent to debtor's prison... during Dubai's current debt crisis... in a country where failure to pay your debts results in an automatic prison sentence.
Wasted A Bullet
Over the summer & into the fall, now, the price of crude oil paintings have hit an all-time low. "I was hoping Uncle Jim's would go sky-high once he died but everyone says they're crap", states one.
Little Balls Disease Back
Pygmyitis striking people for the first time in years. Unlike Elephantitis which causes your balls to become huge, this disease cause them to shrink. Many doctors are blaming steroids.
Biden Hard Nosed
Vice President Joe Biden says that he thinks the two who crashed the President's dinner party last week should be executed.
One Hand Clapping
Aide says President Obama's teleprompter now has an applause button on it.
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