Order by:
Rating:

Pumpkin shortage real

The Great Pumpkin is upset at the decline in his worshippers since the death of Charles Schultz.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Hadron Collider Running Well

Large Hadron Collider Up and Running. Drunk in Las Vegas keeps reporting black hos outside his hotel room window.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Cowboy Motorist Helps

Cowboy motorist helps Mass. troopers lasso 2 cows. "We don't know who the masked man was, but he left a silver bullet."

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Pig Flatulance

A flatulent pig sparked a gas emergency in southern Australia when a farmer mistook its odors for a leaking pipe, according to officials. "It turned out to be a pig in a poke", stated one official.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

So you lost your Facebook account

Don't worry reader, your computer is working fine. You lost your account because of their new policy of cancelling the accounts of sex offenders.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Canada attempts to grow balls

Ever since the ice started to melt and reveal oil deposits, Canada has been holding war game exercises up there. "It's cute", said Hillary Clinton. "They're acting like they're an actual country."

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Conservatives discuss global warming

On a cruise from Japan to Sweden, by way of the newly formed Northeast Passage above Russia, conservatives discussed global warming. "Nope, we've not seen any indication", they concluded.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

U.N. to create head tax

Everyone on Earth must send the U.N. one dollar. This will allow them to bailout Dubai, a city "too big to fail". Of course, the $8 billion raised will only be a down payment, so send $1 each day.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

The U.S. is starting to suspect...

...that the reason the Arab world hates us is not for our laughable illusion of "freedom", but more because we've killed several hundred thousand of them (at least), in the past quarter century.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Tom Arnold complains about new wife

"Ashley isn't half the woman my first wife was.", he said in an interview today. "Heck, not even a third." Roseanne was unavailable for comment, having reached her Chandrasekhar Limit and imploded.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Rover reveals doggie secret

"We hate that old joke about how we lick our balls because we can.", said spokesdoggie Rover in a recent tell all interview. "We clean them so our bitches don't complain when they lick them."

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Uchitel racist?

Rachel Uchitel is angrily denying having slept with a billionaire sports hero loved around the world. Glenn Beck wonders if it is because Tiger is half Thai.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Social Security to be cut

Though the dollar amount per month will be the same, it will buy less due to government caused inflation. Yet they are hoping that since most of the retirees went to public school, they won't notice.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Tiger Woods finally issued traffic citation

Windermere Mayor Gary Bruhn: "Now it's time to move on. Let our residents get back to normalcy," which apparently means having a secretive, Caucafricasian, billionaire golf prodigy living next door.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Husband Denies Crash

Couple didn't crash White House, husband says. "You've gotten us mixed up with Tiger Woods. Happens all the time."

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

The Obama Limits

Obama commits 30,000 troops, said to want war over in 3 years, two months and six days. Will check with secretary for the minutes.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Strike Three!

President Obama commits political suicide. Interrupts "A Charlie Brown Christmas" with announcement about troops sent to Afghanistan.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Today's Thought (All Day Long)

More wisdom from the Dolly Parton: It not only costs a lot to look this cheap, these two babies here cost one mill each.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Saved At The Last Minute

In Iran, a lady who was about to be stoned was saved at the last minute when she managed to show her marriage license and declare herself occupied territory, as husband was helping to pick up rocks.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Former Miss Argentina gets a bum deal

Surgeon says, "No problem. I could perform this one with my eyes closed." Solange Magnano subsequently dies of gluteoplasty complications. Smart-ass doctor not feeling so cheeky now.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Making A Statement

An Arkansas woman who claimed she was making a statement for Earth Day by her tribute to what mankind is doing to Mother Earth, by throwing her garbage in a small creek, got fined $100 nevertheless.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Italien porno-crazy police crash their prize possession, a Fiat 600!

after watching porno in a pimped up Fiat 600, originally a Lamborghini, 2 Italian policemen crash the vehicle and now Italy suspects Mafia involvement whilst Berlusconi claims I am innocenti!

written by Jaggedone, 01 December 2009
Rating:

"She Demanded It! Uhoh!"

Woman, 77, says that she was pressured into buying a car. Salesman with flaming pants denies it.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Cloned Federer Suicide Bombers attack Switzerland!

Bin Laden has a genial solution for bombing the Swiss after the Minaret affair, he has launched an army of terrorist "Federer" look-alike clones to teach the Swiss a lesson in Minaret Building!

written by Jaggedone, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Alec Baldwin says he will quit acting

However, the question in the mind of most of us is, "When had he started acting?"

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

California divorce ban worries the dumb

"If this passes, we'd have to hope that there would be some place we could divorce anyway.", said John Q. Public. "Some place known to be easy, and close by. Like Reno, but right near the border."

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Miss Argentina dies

Apparently a routine cosmetic surgery on her butt went disastrously wrong. The coroner's full report is not yet out, but preliminarily he notes that her ass was definitely cracked.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Taliban laughs at Obama

After Obama plagiarized Nixon, in calling for a handing off of security from America to a newly trained Afghani Army, the Taliban laughed. "Train an Army? Who's he think has been kicking his ass?"

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Snake Swallowed Itself

Snake that tried to swallowed itself had apparently ben allowed to watch porn movie with owner, who eventually saved it.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Expenses Scandal Bad

Expenses scandal is worst crisis to hit Commons since 1941 bombs, Jack The Ripper in Whitechapel, says Bercow.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Failing The Three "R" s

Primary school league tables 2009: More than half of 11-year-olds in worst schools fail in the three Rs: Readin', Retalin & Rithmetic!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Really Nice If You Caught A Glimpse

Lowly shop assistant draws 3,000-strong crowd as he switches on town's Christmas lights. Thirty seconds of beauty, then whole town blacks out!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Floods, Rains & Winds!

Temperatures plummet to -9C as Britain says goodbye to 'wettest November ever'. Hope to have wettest December ever in drinking to forget it!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Wheelie Bin Fines Bringing In Millions

Young father fined £550, for leaving his wheelie bin outside his own home for at least half an hour after pick-up.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

The Talking Balls

Unmarried parents are NOT second-class citizens, says Balls, to that!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Rachel Uchitel, Fartologist

Tiger Woods' 'other woman' Rachel Uchitel speaks: 'His wife must feel horrible and I look like a homewrecker. All he did was come to me about farting problem!"


written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Lots Of Rhetoric

The dangers of revolutionary right-wing rhetoric! Nothing wrong found in left-wing rhetoric!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Rome Taxis Wiping Out!

Rome taxis seek to wipe out tourist scams, "presents" left by babies on the back seat.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

German Tourist Arrested

German tourist arrested in Disney fake bomb threat. Claims he was testing for his plans for "Taliban Land" that he was going to submit.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Must Be!

Three-day music fest set for home of the Kentucky Derby in uh, Kentucky?

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Victoria's Secret Out!

Models compete for Victoria's Secret runway spots. Viewers fight over tickets!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Arnold Marries Again

Actor-comedian Tom Arnold marries for the fourth time, officially.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Polanski Release Delayed Again

Polanski now in Swiss jail until at least Friday as Swiss try the old "carrot on a stick" ploy.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Employers Playing Dr. Mom

Employers play Dr. Mom to limit swine flu impact. "It's the grown-up version of 'Doctor', anything for an excuse", states one office boss.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Swine Flu Less Widespread

CDC: Swine flu less widespread, down to 32 states, Skoob in Britain!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

FTC Explores Internet Journalism!

FTC explores future of journalism in Internet age, beginning with all those wonderful writers of TheSpoof!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

It May Be Untrue But We're Committed!

Leaders say momentum building on climate change as most of recently discovered cover-up of making up numbers now burned in trash.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

New Zealand Too Cold

Winds drive Icebergs away from New Zealand! "We're headed for Australia, too cold here", say Jewish family.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

But Only Initually!

GE, Vivendi deal paves way for NBC, MSNBC sale to Comcast, IRS!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Can't Have It Both Ways!

More consumers late on auto loan payments in third quarter. "Let the government make a few payments if they want us to spend on Christmas", say most.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Oil Trader Excuses

Oil rises to near $78 as traders eye Iran tension, corn husks thicker for bad winter.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Defnse Official Talked To Crashers

Defense official communicated with White House crashers. "I thought they were some of those Britney, Timberlake types", says 55-year-old.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

New Phrase Coined

Gibbs: Deployment to Afghan will be accelerated! "Faster than Tiger Woods can leave his driveway!"

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Obama Got The Ass

Obama described as 'angry' over security breach as seven other gate crashers merely wore excellent masks of Biden, Pelosi, etc. Films show two of each in same area.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Tiger Cites Injuries

Woods withdraws from own tourney, citing injuries to his face. "Can't go on camera this way", states Tiger.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Wood's Crash Hampers Neighbors

Woods' crash hampers wealthy neighbors' privacy. "Can't even walk around in the buff anymore", complains one.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Iran Still Paranoid

Iran warns of tough action against British sailors who tried to take over country with attack by racing yacht!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Video Conference Held

Obama, Karzai hold video conference, talk strategy. Do a little karaoke.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Long Debate Ahead!

Long, tiring debate ahead for health care bill with a lot of bitter pills to swallow.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Jackson Bumps Britney

Jackson bumps Spears from atop Yahoo '09 searches. "I felt his cold hand on my panty-less bottom giving me a shove."

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Gold Still #2

Gold hits record near $1,200/oz as dollar slips. Still #2 investment after "food".

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

UN Slams Swiss

UN slams 'discriminatory' Swiss minaret ban. Most waiting to find out what "Minaret" means.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Knew It All Along!

Lots of Exercise in Midlife May Lead to Osteoarthritis! "See", says 300-pound couch potato!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

California Still Trying Anything To Shock!

Movement under way in California to ban divorce, especially by Hollywood actors & actresses.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

The Taliban Have Goodies!

Marines to be first wave in new Afghanistan plan, followed by rush of Black Friday Holiday Shoppers!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Las Vegas Rebound

Las Vegas rebound riding on $8.5B CityCenter, Hookerama!

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Not Really Gate-Crashing

Salahi denies being White House party-crasher. "We were invited by a guard who saw us and asked us to come on in and sit for a spell."

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Obama Sending Troops He Campaigned Against

30,000 Marines to be first wave in new Afghanistan plan, the 16th Obama campaign promise broken.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Shooter Dead Again

Sheriff's spokesman: Police fatally shoot suspect in Seattle, apparently for the second time.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Max Miedinger confesses

"When I invented Helvetica script, it was as a joke.", he said. "I wanted to come up with something boring, a jab at the corporate world's uniformity. I didn't realize it would take off. My bad."

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

NAMBLA donates to "Toys for Tots"

However, they did send a letter with their thirty two ton donation of toys. It asked, "Just how many tots do we get per ton of toys?"

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Demjanjuk on trial...

...for not refusing the laws of his nation, thus avoiding a death sentence for himself and his family. Meanwhile, any U.S. or Israeli soldier who disobeys orders is still court martialed - as always.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Rachel Uchitel's Thanksgiving stunner...

Rachel Uchitel recently dropped a shocker while with her family this Thanksgiving. "I only want dark meat.", she said. "I just can't get enough." Her mom was concerned, but said it was her choice.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Swiss beg, "Commit terrorism here, too!"

Lamenting several centuries of peace, the Swiss voted to outlaw minarets and give the finger to Muslims. Next up, they plan on bitch slapping the Virgin Mary, all in an attempt to get an attack.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Out of a dozen holocausts in the past 125 years...

...should we wonder why the Chinese controlled media in Hollywood only shows movies about their holocaust? Why don't they show the Congo one? Or the Ukrainian one? Or the little known Jewish one?

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

"Celebrity" news hits all time low

The guy who used to be the sidekick on a show about a talking car used to be married to some woman you've not heard of. Recently, she was arrested for DUI. Somehow, you're supposed to care.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Police stake out empty house...

...while looking for the guy who killed four of them stuffing their faces with donuts. Said Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrain, "We forgot about infra red detectors, and frankly, were scared to go in."

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Mike Huckabee is a cop killler

Or so the media would have you believe, while ignoring all the criminals who have fleeced us of billions of dollars pardoned by former Presidents of a liberal bent.

written by Alexandria177, 01 December 2009
Rating:

No Ransom

Somalia pirates hijacked a Yemeni freighter carrying 100,000 tons of sewage and demanded a $1.5 million ransom. The Yemen government said no, as they didn't give a crap!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Health Care Debate

The health care bill debate begins today in the US Senate. The American Red Cross is standing by to provide first aid items such as band aids, Iodine, bandages and splints.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Fitting Justice

General McChrystal swore in Michaele & Tareq Salahi, as two new US soldiers. The president felt it is fitting justice that their first mission in Afghanistan is to infiltrate Taliban headquarters.


written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 December 2009
Rating:

California Divorce Ban

A loony tune wants to ban divorce in California. The governor is against this measure, as 50% of the population would leave the state. Thus, the other 50% would have to pay all the taxes!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Change is in the Air

Representative B. Frank, who will tax anything that moves, is relocating to San Francisco CA to feel more at home. He plans to challenge House Speaker Pelosi for her seat, in 2010!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Majority of Dubai's Citizens to be Sent to Debtor's Prison

93% of Dubai's citizens will be sent to debtor's prison... during Dubai's current debt crisis... in a country where failure to pay your debts results in an automatic prison sentence.

written by Evan Essence, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Wasted A Bullet

Over the summer & into the fall, now, the price of crude oil paintings have hit an all-time low. "I was hoping Uncle Jim's would go sky-high once he died but everyone says they're crap", states one.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Little Balls Disease Back

Pygmyitis striking people for the first time in years. Unlike Elephantitis which causes your balls to become huge, this disease cause them to shrink. Many doctors are blaming steroids.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

Biden Hard Nosed

Vice President Joe Biden says that he thinks the two who crashed the President's dinner party last week should be executed.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
Rating:

One Hand Clapping

Aide says President Obama's teleprompter now has an applause button on it.

written by Bureau, 01 December 2009
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