Spoof news snippets from December 2009
There were 2,681 spoof news snippets published in December 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
American Indians Buy Back Native Land From US.
New York Will Not Accept $48 Worth Of Beads For Manhattan.
40,000 Tons Of Carbon Footprint Created By Copenhagen Meeting.
60,000 Created By Conservatives Bitching About It.
The Dance Group Formerly Know As The Radio City Rockettes
Due to the continuing downward slide of the nation's economy New York's Radio City Rockettes are having to downsize. Their new name will be The Radio City Pebblettes.
385 Pound Kirstie Alley Hates To Drive
Kirstie Alley, who weighs 385, says that she is getting to where she hates to drive. Kirstie reveals that when she parks in her driveway and starts to get out of her car, it invariably sticks to her.
The Return of The 83-Year-Old Hulk Hogan
Hulk Hogan who is 83, has agreed to wrestle Richard Simmons with one arm tied behind his back in a special match to benefit The Sidesaddle Riders of West Hollywood.
Heather Mills aka "The Lean Dancing Machine"
Heather Mills has appeared on America's 'Dancing With The Stars' and will soon appear on Britain's 'Dancing on Ice.' Mills has said that after DOI, she will appear on Nepal's 'Dancing Up Mt. Everest.'
Conan O'Brien - The Man And His Horrendously Untrained Hair
Conan O'Brien does not realize it, but his hairdo is actually outlawed in three states.
SPAM Now a Salt Substitute
Provided you like the taste of Pork, thinly shaven SPAM shards add as much salt flavor to a dish as real salt, at a fraction the cost of actual salt!
My counsellor is more interested in my sex life than I am. She asked me about my best sexual experience. I told her I'm still waiting for it
Shrink Time 1
Have just googled anal fixation. Apparently I'm stingy, and compulsively seek order and tidiness. Wiki has obviously not seen my fridge
Visited by district nurse yesterday which really made me feel my age. Pam Edwards, voice of an angel and a chest the size of New South Wales
Explosion at an Aquarium in Norfolk
An explosion occurred today at Sea Life Aquarium, Norfolk when a terrapin was given 10 brussels sprouts for Christmas. The unfortunate reptile was treated for shell-shock.
Smith and Jones Convention Oversubscribed
A convention was held at Wembley Stadium today for anyone called Smith or Jones. In usual Christmas tradition, "there was no room at the inn!"
Hundreds of Women Flock to Meet Amorous Dolphin
Women in New Zealand are flocking to see a teenage oversexed, delinquent dolphin. One woman said; " Most of the men on the island are more interested in sheep, so it makes a refreshing change!"
Spoof Writer Creates Virus
A spoof writer has created his very own virus. If you are unfortunate enough to encounter SKOOBFACE, then you will know that it came from the writer known as SKOOB1999
A Great Shame Woolworths Closed down
100 customers and staff had to sleep overnight in a John Lewis store because of bad weather. One customer said; "I wish I could have stayed in 'Woollies' overnight!"
The Great Shanghai Sausage Bomber
Shanghai,China: Police had a 1-hour stand-off with a suspected suicide bomber. They found that he was armed with 2 pounds of highly explosive sausages. Now we know why they are called bangers.
Beautiful Women in Reply to Adrian Chiles
Beautiful women from all around the world ALL say: "Adrian Chiles is too simple for us!" Says it all really!
Prince William kicked out of Clarence House
Prince William was thrown out of Clarence House last night by his father Prince Charles and had to spend the night roughing it on the streets. "You wait until I'm King!" He allegedly said.
Smith and Jones are Most Popular Names in UK
Smith and Jones are the most popular name in the UK. However, if your name is Jones, then you're more likely to be competitive. Hence the saying; "keeping up with the Joneses."
Is this a joke?
You read all kinds of news on TheSpoof.com website, but this 'gem' was reported by the BBC news website saying that Venice has flooded. Is this news? Or is a joke? Who knows?
Jonathan Ross Recommends Number One Single
TV presenter, Jonathan Ross, has allegedly said; "I thwowelly wecommend Wage to be number one this Christmas." It is not clear whether he was talking about a pop group or his salary.
Hoard of Roman Coins Found near Reykjavik
Which just goes to show that money went a lot further in those days!
Russians Caught out
The KGB denies that Russia is in to 'pyramid selling' especially in the region of the Kremlin and Red Square.
Rats Take Over School Kitchen in Wales
Rats have taken over a school kitchen in Wales this week. They called in celebrity chef, Gino D'Acampo, to cook them for school meals. But since his return from Australia, he has declined the offer.
Britain's Skinniest Home Is for Sale with a £550,000 Price Tag
At only 66 inches wide, this des-res in Shepherd's Bush is on the market for £550,000. Estate agents say that it represents good value for money. It is believed that Kate Moss has shown an interest.
Plymouth Police Hunt Mystery Shopper
Plymouth police want to find a man caught on CCTV sniffing a shopkeeper's arse. He can easily be identified by his brown nose. Police say; "we hope to get to the bottom of this!"
Fortune Tellers Get Prediction Right!
The fortune tellers at Glastonbury have correctly predicted that Pete Doherty will not go to prison this year. "There are only two weeks to go and he still hasn't gone!" Said one happy medium.
Toilet Paper shortage in Houses of Parliament Mystery Solved
With so much crap being spoken of in the house of commons it is desperately being used up by MPs. They will have to use newsapers. However, Labour MPs will not use the Sun.
Office Destops Now Made from Recycled Paper
"Great for the environment", says office furniture salesman Deszi Zellmore, "But I wouldn't spill a drop of coffee on it".
Our Feet Can Talk Says Psychologist
A British psychologist claims that our feet can talk! However, the Limbless Association have made no comment and remained silent about the issue.
Darling on Boiler Scrappage
Labour Party treasurer, Alistair Darling, reputedly said that he got the idea about boiler scrappage from watching his mother-in-law.
The Cow Jumps over Sun in X Factor Bid
A 6-year-old Friesian cow from Cornwall, who would like to be a celebrity, jumped over the Sun newspaper in order to Simon Cowell.
Heather Mills: "My Best Decade"
When Heather Mills lost her leg, she thought it was the end of the world. Yet a decade later she claims that it has been her very best decade. "You win some, you lose some." She said, with a smile.
Who said "you can not teach an old dog new tricks!"
Faith, a 7-year-old dog born with no front legs has learned to walk on his hind legs - a feat in itself. It is indeed an astonishing sight; yet Faith has a new trick - he has learnt to cock his leg!
Pop Star Does Not Live up to Her Name
Amy Winehouse has been charged with an assault at a theatre this week and will appear before Magistrates under her married name of Amy Civil.
Eurostar to Move Most Vulnerable First!
It has been announced that 25 British MPs trapped in the Channel Tunnel, will be moved to France first. A French political spokesman said; "We don't want them over here - and as for expenses NON!"
UK Politicians Prepare to Leave Earth.
Most United Kingdom politicians are preparing to leave the Earth by creating the UK Space Agency. Most are not on this planet anyway! Besides there is such a bad atmosphere with the electorate.
Iranians Outcry over Chinese Barbie Fakes
Thousands of Iranians are up in arms as shipments of Burka - clad Barbie dolls arrived in Teheran for the Christmas market. The dolls turned out to be one-legged action men with moving eyes.
Expenses Always Met!
Putting down his/her Daily Telegraph, a leading politician (who did not want to be named) has said; "It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere!"
No One Will Stop Mercedes.
Suicide bombers ask for better make of cars as they would like to go out in style.
Teen's Private Santa Note Answered by MOM!
Privately asking for condoms, Santa responding in suspicious handwriting looking like own mother's, asked if he preferred ribbed or lubed.
David Cameron Has Been Misheard!
David Cameron promised that the number of UK troops in Afghanistan would be cut next year. Now he says that they are unlikely to be cut, but it is more likely that spending on equipment will be cut.
Stripping Teacher Proves to Be Youtube Sensation!
A 57-year-old supply teacher has been reprimanded for showing his raunchy 'manboobs' in front of a school class, has been a hit with YouTube. Many pupils were allegedly traumatised by the UGLY scenes.
Ireland's Bishop Shortage More Serious Than Thought
The Roman Catholic denomination is facing a dearth as 2 more Bishops resign over sex allegations."If the trend carries on, the denomination will become extinct in 2010." Said a Vatican spokesman today
Tractor Thief Released on Bail
A man tried to steal a tractor whilst high on drugs. When the farmer chased him, he fell into a slurry pit. However, he could not be held in prison because the smell was so bad.
Family rivalry in performing stunt
Paddy O'Knievel, an Irish cousin of daredevil Robbie Knievel is to attempt to jump 16 motorbikes with one double-decker bus in Wembley this week.
Tiger Woods finally issued traffic citation
Windermere Mayor Gary Bruhn: "Now it's time to move on. Let our residents get back to normalcy," which apparently means having a secretive, Caucafricasian, billionaire golf prodigy living next door.
Rottweiler Bites MP and Survives!
A Rottweiler allegedly bit an MP and survived. "My dog Jake will have to wear a muzzle for the rest of his life, but the vet said he had a lucky escape and should pull through okay." His owner said
EU to Donate €7 Billion toward Climate Change
The European Union will generously donate €7 billion to help developing countries combat climate change, the EU president announced today. Naturally, Great Britain will be paying the greater share!
Naked Cycling Is Permitted in New Zealand
Naked cycling in New Zealand is okay provided you wear a helmet to protect the head. However, it is not clear which head should be protected.
Gordon Brown Enters Record Books As the Most Generous Scotsman... EVER!
Having just given away €1.5 billion, Gordon Brown has entered the Guinness Book of Records as the most generous Scotsman ever to have lived. Already, this year he has given away over £500 billion
The World Suffers Back Problems
More than ever before, people around the world are suffering from back problems;
back taxes, back rent, back car payments.
New Television Service
I was watching a new television show. They scan each page of the morning and evening newspapers with live camera, slowly enough to allow people to read it. This is paper view television.
British Airways Doing Their Bit for Climate Change!
British Airways not going to fly for 12 days over Christmas in a bid to reduce their carbon footprint.
New Camouflage for British Army
The British Army are to be issued with new camouflage that includes a 'red & white tea towel'. "This is to confuse the Taliban!" Said General Sir Rupert Bear who is currently in Helmand province.
BBC Caught Cheating in Viewing Figures Calculation
A chain of well-known electrical retailers have been caught setting all their TVs to BBC1 in a bid to boost the ratings for Strictly Come Dancing. BBC viewers = 11 million Actual viewers = 2 million
Taking the Mickey!
Disney World in Florida as chosen the Wiltshire town of Swindon as its twin. Perhaps it's because it has so many roundabouts? The Mayor of Swindon thinks they are just taking the Mickey.
Limited Market for No-Brainer Idea by Law Firm
A law firm has decided to issue a divorce certificate as a Christmas present. This has a limited application because many people are not married and - they are living together!
Hypnosis Course Policeman Charged
A policeman who attended a police course on the hypnosis of criminals, was caught on the motorway and charged with 'driving under the influence'.
More Popular Than Jesus Claim Denied
A Mr Smith and Mrs Jones, who were married in 1982 were celebrating their wedding anniversary. The Smith-Jones's from Pontefract deny saying; "we are now more popular than Jesus!"
RSPB to Launch Expedition to Research Cuckoo Habitats
The RSPB are launching an expedition to West Africa to see if there are any problems causing their decline in numbers. However cuckoos can be found in great numbers in the Houses of Parliament.
Sacked Teacher Says; "There Is a God after All!"
The teacher who was sacked for praying for a sick pupil has admitted that there is a God after all and she thanks him "for getting her out of the chaos that is called OFSTED!"
Ridge: No "US" Style Rights for Attempted Plane Bombing Suspect
Harry Callahan brought in to determine what "style" of rights suspect is to have in the US.
Fortune Teller Predicts a Hung Parliament in UK for 2010
A fortune teller from Worcester as predicted a 'well hung' parliament in 2010. This comes as a result of using asparagus!
Italians Ban Breast Implants for Girls under 18
The Italian government has banned breast implants for girls who are under 18 years of age. However, boys under 18, can still have this operation should they wish to do so.
Nutritionists say that Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
Teaching Bad Habits
A 12 year old schoolboy from Liverpool has been suspended from school for dealing in... CRISPS! The boy, Joseph Pringle said; "they weren't even cannabis flavoured!"
Tony Blair Shows Evidence of One WMD
In his defence, Tony Blair has shown evidence of one weapon of mass destruction in the most unexpected place - 10 Downing St. "Just look at the destruction that he has wrought upon our country?" Mr Blair said today
Overused Phrases Retired
2009 Overused Phrases Retired. Latest to get the old heave ho: "paradigm shift" "24-7;" "Do the math" and "The old heave ho."
Shopper Undercharged for Blankets 38 Years Ago!
A lady who became a Christian in 1988 realised that she had been undercharged for some blankets back in 1971. When she tried to repay what she owed, she found that the Company had ceased trading 1972.
White Squirrels Reveal Ancient Secret
They use sunscreen.
Danica Patrick's Nascar Unveiled; Racers Protest
The car will feature a full size nude pic of the petite racer. It will be on the hood so cars in front will get a "total" view when looking in the rear view mirror.
Nascar wives are protesting.
Angelina Jolie Claims That Fidelity Is Not Important to a Successful Relationship
Angeline Jolie claims that fidelity is not important for a successful relationship. "So, Tiger Woods got it wrong!" She allegedly said.
Smokers to Be Given Free Music to Help Them Quit
Smokers are to be given free music to help them quit smoking in the New Year. However, the very well-known classical piece of music comes from the Hamlet Cigar commercials, popular in the early 70s.
A Dyslexic Opera Critic Found at Supermarket
A 22 year-old dyslexic opera critic was found in Tesco's supermarket in Shrewsbury today. He was hoping to find a production of Puccini's 'Tosca'. A spokesman for Tesco's said; "every little helps!"
Free TV Licences for over 70s Will Bankrupt BBC
By the year 2012 there will be that many over 70s that there will be not have enough revenue to fund the BBC and it will have to close.
1 in 6 People Carry Faulty Gene That Increases the Risk of Heart Disease
Scientists believe that 1 in 6 people carry the faulty gene that increases the risk of heart disease. However, this gene is not found in politicians. Therefore the answer is to become a politician.
Nick Griffin Pleased with His Christmas Present
BNP leader, Nick Griffin, is said to be 'over the moon' with his new Christmas present. A colleague gave him one of those new HP cameras which does not see black faces.
Name of Game Undecided
A new Internet game called "Whack the Banker" has already proved to be a success, however, its' inventors think it will be more successful if they called it"Bash the Wanker". SAME THING REALLY!
City of York Inundated with Shoplifters
The city of York, in Yorkshire, have kept the police busy this weekend. No less than 70 people have been arrested for shoplifting after the local vicar apparently told them to do it in his sermon.
Rage Against the Machine single vies with X-Factor winner for Xmas top spot
Sony must be laughing all the way to the bank - I expect there will be a version of 'Killing in the Name' on Joe McElderry's debut album.
Sad. Very sad.
The only thing sadder then you - yes, YOU - reading these silly snippets when you could be having fun with your family is the fact that I'm busy writing them. We need lives. You first.
Obama Says 2010 Stimulus Payments to Go to Bail Out Broke Federal Reserve
President orders broke Federal Reserve to pay itself $800 billion to speed it's economic recovery.
Chertoff Says Underwear Bomber Created "Complex Device Subject to Failure"
Hmmm, seems more like a super simple device prepared by an incompetent Rufus with little or no training. Had a fart been required for detonation, that would have been a complex device.
Poll: Surely Next Year Will be Better
Indeed. We could get a great start by having O'Bama quit and take all of his appointees with him.
Thank the NTSB for the installed seat belts in your car. While driving and listening to the spin put on the results of the Copenhagen summit, loss of vehicle control will be prevented.
Heath Care Reform Snow Job
Will Senate Majority Leader Reid get his Quorum on Saturday? One inch of snow paralyzes Washington DC area traffic, let alone a predicted 20 inches. There is a pajama party planned at the Capitol.
The real "Rain Man" dies
His age was the square root of 3,364, when his heart that had beat 2,438,784,348 times gave out the same day that Anastasius I, Bishop of Rome in 401 died. His K-mart underwear bought 1/7/98 was on.
Sarah Palin says that if she does become the first female President of the United States, she has a very important place in her cabinet for Tina Fay.
Baby Seal Found in Lake at Buckingham Palace
A baby seal was found in a lake at Buckingham Palace. The Windsors have adopted the aquatic mammal. The Queen loves him as he plays with her corgis. He is now known as the 'Royal Seal of Approval'.
WMD discovered in Italy
Susanna Maiolo, who holds dual Swiss and Italian nationality, has been indentified as a Weapon of Mass Disruption when she had a game of 'Papal Skittles'at St Peter's Basillica, late Thursday evening
Ex-President Carter offers apology to Jews. "I'm sorry you're all Jews."
1949 Screen Classic 'Queen of Spades' Reopens to Raves!
The film will be featured during "Wednesday Night Movies at the White House" hosted by Michelle Obama. Invitation only, but plenty of seats available for
Hillary Clinton Converts - Now a Muslim
Hillary Clinton converted from Jewish Fraudster to Mohammedan Flockster. When asked by reporters "why the switch", Hillary said she asked Mohammad to show her the money. He did, and now they are one.
Lady Gaga pregnant
Lady Gaga has stunned the pop world by announcing she is pregnant. She says the baby will be called Baby GooGoo. One insider said: "I thought she was a man."
Leans Head Forward While Talking
Nancy Pelosi temporarily asks leave of the House until botched facelift can get her eyes off her forehead.
Rowan Williams: " Labour treats us like oddballs"
The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams has said that the Labour Party treats them like oddballs. In Seine News would like to add that is the pot calling the kettle black!
Terrorist Warning Down
Latest terrorist alert back down to "Shoe" after spending three days as "Underwear".
President Obama announces a special joint conference on the legalizing of medical marijuana.
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