Spoof news snippets from Monday 31 August 2009
New Kennedy Leader
Cousin Ichabod Kennedy next in line through complicated family tradition. Says he wants to start making some "shine" again!
Maybe With Bin Laden?
What's that no-good child dangler up to now? No one reports any sightings of Michael Jackson in over a month.
Need A Complete Asshole?
Jon Gosselin withdraws from show to sit out on his own. "I've made a name for myself by calling every sleaze rag in the business. Somebody out there should have a special job for a complete asshole!"
Dirty Bomb Works 20 To Death
Dirty bomb goes off in Iraqi city with little damage or loss of life, mostly those Obsessive/Compulsive types who worked themselves to death.
Sir Paul McCartney says that he and Heather went at it hot and heavy on honeymoon and at one time, she lost her leg.
Tony Blair: 'Cherie inspired me to become a terrorist'
"All that Catholic stuff was just top dressing for the 9/11 cover-up!"
Ayatollah Khamenei moves to protect dissidents from sudden death penalty shoot-out
The politician suspects President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's ref has a bit of a Tianamen Square sort of interpretation of the offside rule.
Poland demands bounty from Russia for wartime pact with Nazis
Someone somehow forgot to invoice Joseph Stalin for the Polish Fascist Party's invitation to invade Warsaw on 1 September 1939.
Venice may ban day-trippers
New nocturnal strain of acid tabs all the rage with the city's gondoliers...
Noah's Ark Zoo in creationist row
Someone has hexed the beasts and they've all suddenly turned gay! The Pope will go nutz!
Vera Lynn becomes 'oldest living piss artist to reach top 20'
Dame Vera, daughter of the late Queen Mother, hasn;t been sober since the Luftwaffe trashed London.
Daily walk can halve risk of dying....
...by dropping dead indoors.
Women and elderly 'neglected' over drugs
Absolute bleedin scandal man the price of a bag of skunk...
Dream Up A New Job
After hearing man at office complain about "only getting two hours of sleep last night" all morning long, boss sends him home to take two year nap.
S.C. Guv Not Leaving Orifice!
South Carolina Governor says he is not giving up his orifice just because he has a mistress in Argentina, while surrounded by gauchos in Buenos Aires.
Brooklyn Decker pregnant?
A lot of new balls needed if US Open eight-to-one shot Andy Roddick is to make the paternity test.
"Here's Your Soup. I invented Internet"
People in the Chinese province of Guangxi who're on the lookout for a unique dining experience, can now head on over to a new restaurant where meals are served by Al Gore Modeled robots.
Something about the Ratzingeresque eyes....
Is Jaycee Dugard monster Phillip Garrido Warren Jeffs' twin brother???
Kennedy To Appear At Theaters Everywhere
Ted Kennedy's head signs contract using mouth to appear in the next Addams Family remake as Thing's cousin, Ted's Head.
Previously unknown group claims responsibility for stealing all your airport luggage for the past 20 years.
Cuba Adopts Idea
Raoul and Fidel Castro says that Cuba will continue their "Clunkers For Clunkers & Cigars" program.
Bad Day In Dallas
Bad day all around as Dallas man rushes wife to the hospital only to learn that there was nothing wrong and that the Cowboys lost in double overtime.
Specialist Has His Dream
Young Nashville hemorrhoid specialist says that he is not stopping until he's known as "The Hemorrhoid Specialist To The Stars!
Ralph Nader Down
Former presidential candidate Ralph Nader's depression continues tells close friend "Nothing good ever happens to me anymore." Friend replies, "What do you mean, anymore?"
Clinton Inspititational Speech
Bill Clinton's speech before Young Men of America is that by showing that you really care for what happens to Them, is a great way of getting laid.
Haylie Duff: "I Love Nick Zano!"
Hilary Duff's older sister, Haylie Duff, was seen screaming from her balcony earlier today "I love Nick Zano!"... Wow, lucky her, she must be really in love.
Taliban Ban Bands
Musicians, singers, actors, writers, poets beaten by Taliban in Afghanistan. "A Massacre is about the only fun thing allowed anymore", whispers member to reporter later.
Schools Out, Flu In
United States Department of Health and Human Services have announced that it may be necessary to keep children out of school should Swine Flu hit. Those buildings needed for quarantined citizens.
George Jr "I Knew It!"
George Bush Sr. confesses that he blew 1992 election to Bill Clinton on purpose. "Bill! I am you father!"
Person Of The Year
Time Magazine reports that the next Person Of The Year will be everyone who renews subscription in special end of the year offer with their own face on the cover.
Hasselhoff Tests Positive
David Hasslehoff tests positive for goof balls. Police trying to trace his movements to learn who goofed up his balls.
Germany: Impatient Swiss ruins Mount Zugspitze
Nock couldn't wait for the next cable car and decided to walk up the cable himself, causing delays for hours and wrecking everyone's day. Eye witnesses said, "Impatient Twat!"
Un Ups The Ante
United Nations threaten to set sack of shit on fire on Iran's doorstep, ring doorbell and run if they don't stop nuclear build-up.
Democrats, Republicans Deny Hirings
Both Republicans and Democrats deny hiring radical pregnant women from the Breakwater Group to disturb City Hall Health Care Talks.
Obama Hiring Flying-Boat Squirrels?
Rumor: Ralph Nader and Sarah Plain may team up and run for the presidency in 2012 as independent Bull Winkle Party!
More Abandoned Houses Haunted
Spiritualists report a 10% jump in abandoned houses now haunted by ghosts of old winos that used to occupy alleys, according to spirit named "Dead Fred".
Some Businesses Improving
Economy grew in the third quarter say economists. It was led by oil companies, oil company related industries, suicide hotlines, funeral homes and Social Security check-cashing casinos.
Those on the bosses' Shit List all get a box of brownies in reward for their services at the Main Office.
Greeks Are Saved
Greek firefighters who saved so many historical buildings,
Greek lives are being called "National Gyros".
Afghan Election: Too Close
United Nations troops overseeing presidential election in Afghanistan say it's "Too Dangerous to Call".
Free Test Anytime
Breathalyser test detects lung cancer early. So, unless you're drunk, begin weaving car about the next time you see police in area.
Victim Was Sound
Man shot dead outside Ministry of Sound nightclub. Police say he never heard it coming.
Britain All Smiles
All smiles as 'feel-good factor' returns to Britain. "How could they possibly get any worse?' asks man on the street.
Oil Deal HiJacked?
Jack Straw admits to deal with Libya of bomber for oil. So far oil part hasn't been worth Jack Shit.
Aspirin Bad For You?
Daily aspirin could be BAD for you: Also, that fiber thing, not worth a shit!
Probably Better Than M. Diet
The tomato pill: Daily dose is as good for the heart as Mediterranean food, that killer of millions by intake of polluted Sea.
Pensioner Hurt in Car Accident
An old lady was seriously injured at today in Bedford when her car collided with a group of trees. An ambulance driver said; "she will make a full recovery, but she is not out of the woods yet!
Enjoy Bank Holiday
The last of Summer? Bank Holiday to sizzle but cooler weather to follow, especially during the winter ahead.
Rugby Player Disqualified
Drunken rugby team arrested after female player run over by two-ton lawn roller as she slept in tent. She's OK but disqualified from team after becoming 12-feet-tall.
British police say that killer was a first timer. "You can tell by the bloody mess he's a rank amateur", noted Bobby.
Nuclear Facilities OK
"All nuclear facilities are safe according to three guards at facilities in mountain after nearby earthquake this morning. In all, the Pentagon says the three made a glowing statement.
Bombs Getting Too Smart?
The US Army has announced that they have launched a "Smart Bomb" this morning aimed at a target. However, the smart bomb apparently decided to head for a "Think Tank". No word yet on any lives lost.
Cash For Movie Clunkers
Hollywood, Bollywood announce Cash For Movie Clunkers program after viewing those coming up in nest few months.
"You're Wearing THAT?"
Time travelers at NYC fashion show thrown out after laughing themselves onto the floor.
Look For Worsening Health Care
President Obama, just back from vacation, orders 5,000 troops in Iraq home to help out at Health Care Town Meetings, while opposition to health care changes hire Blackwater troops.
Invasion Really Really Massive
Environmental activists are planning a "mass invasion" of a power station following a vote by supporters of the Climate Camp in London. Those losing power plan massive invasion of massive invaders.
Prison Food Better
Researchers have claimed the food provided in prisons is better than in NHS hospitals, with 10% less rodent hair present.
Peaceful Drinkers Being Sought
People in England who commit crimes or behave anti-socially while drunk could now face a Drinking Banning Order. "I'll drink to that, says old alcoholics. Can't even get smashed in peace, lately."
Climate Situation Desperate
Officials from UN member states are gathering in Geneva for a five-day conference on climate change. Al Gore reportedly bringing Indian Dancers, Naked Women from India plowing around buildings.
Change It's Name To Peacefulstan?
A top US general in Afghanistan has called for a revised military strategy, suggesting the current one is failing. So look for #212 if you're keeping score over the past 1000 years.
Madonna Tours Jerusalem
Madonna tours Jewish holy sites in Jerusalem as Rabbis, Priensts, Muslim Ayatollah sprinkle holy water behind her.
World Depression Needs Humor
As Internet turns 40, barriers threaten its growth such as TheSpoof site pulling in more and more readers.
UN Seeking Better Data
UN seeks better data on hurricanes, droughts, predicted 100 years in Afghanistan.
Vacation Finally Over
Analysis: Summer vacation is over Obamas. Barack says he now understands Bush headed for ranch often as he is greeted by health care opposition group almost immediately.
Silicon Situation Serious
Empty office buildings dot Silicon Valley. Empty breasts dot silicone withdrawals.
"Bold & Beautiful" Wins
'The Bold and the Beautiful' wins drama series over "The Bald and the Pitiful".
Schools Ready For Flu?
As schools around the world reopen, health authorities are bracing for a major spike in swine flu, fake Swine Flu absentees.
45 More Taliban Eliminated
Pakistan army kills 45 Taliban zombies! "No wonder we can't get rid of these guys", states Army Chief.
Fule For Kennedys
Fortune helped fuel Kennedy family legacy, agenda. Early fortune from making alcohol also helped fuel Kennedy tragic situations.
Japanese Government Turnover
Calls for fast action in Japan after historic vote. Airplane factories, battleship aircraft carrier building going up everywhere. Take that Kim JongIl!
No No No!
Say "No!" to everything and life will be perfect according to scientists.
PM Brown States War On Terror Continues
But then adds, that he'd be prepared to forget it if the terrorists send enough oil our way.
Wasn't This On MASH?
Apparently, the CIA hired Blackwater to carry out executions in Iraq and Blackwater hired locals. Now the Mafia is pissed at the CIA & the CIA is telling them, you're confusing us with the FBI.
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