Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 26 August 2009
Another Kennedy Memorial
It was announced today that Chippaquiddick Island will officially change it's name to Ted Kennedy The Murderer Island.
UN Issued Harsh Warning
The United Nations issued their harshest warning yet to Kim Jong Il and North Korea. Drop your nuclear program or we'll hold our breath till we turn blue. Can "Yo Mama" jokes be far behind?
Richest Man Chinese
According to a report this morning on ABC's Good Morning America, the richest man in the world now lives in China. Apparently he invested heavy into lead.
It Didn't Work
In his new book, apparently Dick Cheney says that when he heard about Larry Craig at the airport, he put him in a room and began slapping him around. But then he started yelling, "Harder, Daddy!"
Another Great Idea
President Obama now has issued Southern US border agents air guns that shoot pepper balls at people coming across the Mexican border. Cheney says they may as well shoot milk duds.
Vick Should Know
Michael Vick, attempting to return to professional football says that his new coach in Philly is a regular pit bull.
Full Of Beans!
According to the pre-2010 Census Bureau, 90% of southeners say they're fat and sassy!
Shatner An Ass
Just for the heck of apparently, William Shatner talks bomb defusing robot into blowing itself up.
In an announcement this morning, the FDA recommends boiling all bottled water until further notice.
Reading During Brain Surgery
Second patient reads aloud during brain surgery, "So Goosey Pussy said to Turdy Lucky, Yon Cassius has that lean and hungry look!"
Gottfried Quacks Up
Rumor around television land is that Gilbert Gottfried is ducking his insurance contract, AFLAC!
Policy Not Working
Military "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy just not working at Fort Dragg, North Carolina.
Winos Love The Smell
Indians who tested "fire water" to run casino buses say they have hundreds of winos following them back to the casinos from neighboring towns.
Hillary Still Likes Idea
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says she still likes her idea of giving $5,000 for every child born in America. Right away Madonna offered $5200.
Had A Tie On
Morbid Obese Couple say that they can't help themselves. "This family has been the funeral business for over 150 years", says one who was apparently the husband.
Colleague Remember Kennedy
Colleagues of the late Senator Ted Kennedy fondly remember the Senator from Massachusetts. "He had the rosiest red nose I believe I've ever seen", states Jim Bunning of Kentucky.
Parents Approach School Principal
Parents of little four-foot nine Percy Pipsqueak say their son is being picked on by young girls at his school in Ohio.
Detainees Suffered Worse Than Thought
In new investigation the CIA has now been charged with forcing detainees to enroll in Obama's Health Care Plan! What else have these devils been up to?
Lottery Winner Helping Others
New Mexico man who won $2.5Million Lottery says he plans to help keep businesses afloat, like gambling boats, sea cruises and swimmer he saw in Las Vegas last year.
Shock Of My Life
Siamese twins in Chicago arrested for spying for Cuba claim they had no idea what the other one was was up to.
Food researches have announced that they have invented the fart-proof beans everyone has been sounding off after. Only one side effect: Your navel hisses like a nail in a tire.
2010 Halftime Show Different
Halftime show to be cut down due to expenses in 2010 as a Little Miss Super Bowl will be crowned, while everyone who hates kid beauty contests has time to finish getting drunk.
Moon & A Half
Ohio woman suing clinic tells the judge at trial, "That plastic surgeon over there was drunk, your honor. Else how does he explain these three cheeks...pardon the mooning."
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger tells state tax payers to ante up an extra ten percent of face The Gropes Of Wrath!
"You Seen Todd?"
Ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears to Joe Biden at White House, as he flees with spiked hairplugs making him look like a white Buckwheat.
"My, What A White Painted Nose You Have"
In Storyville, the Big Bad Wolf's huffing and puffing blows away Little Red Riding Hood's clothes but then he dies of bug-eyed, paint-around-mouth huffing. Sight causes three mice to go blind.
Police Outwitted Again
1,000 climate change protesters set up camp on London's Blackheath after outwitting police. "Just turned me back for a sec", says officer.
From giant onions to sour grapes: How a super-size vegetable grower was banned from showing his prize-winning produce. Shows judges his super-sized ass.
Village postmistress to sue NatWest after advert 'implies she closes early to do her spanking'. I'm sorry, that should be "banking". I guess I'm next.
Just Slip Of Th Tongue
Conservative Council embroiled in race row after discovery of document labelling schoolchildren 'Pakis',
teachers 'Turdheads', politicians 'Foul-Mouthed Farts', Gays 'Meat-Eaters'.
New Rail Line
London to Edinburgh in TWO HOURS under plans for new high speed Spotted Dick/Haggis Rail Line to Scotland.
Obama Praises Kennedy
Ted Kennedy: 'Heartbroken' Obama leads tributes to 'the greatest U.S senator of our time.'"We OWE this man a health care plan! Snub Snub
US Employment At 1%?
Obama: If you count illegal crime jobs as well as legal jobs, U.S. jobless rate only 1%.
Ted Kennedy Cannot Be Buried in Arlington Next to JFK
Fire marshalls have too many concerns about putting a man with that much alcohol in his system too close to "The Eternal Flame."
Doctors performing Ted Kennedy's Autopsy Don't Have to Wash Hands
"There's so much alcohol in his blood that everything is already sterile."
Miley Cyrus' Book Sells 0 Copies
Confirmed by blogger Miguel Karam that Miley Cyrus' book effort, "Miles To Go", sold 0 copies as of today.
Kennedy Clan Upset!
The Kennedy clan is furious after the reading of Ted Kennedy's last will & testament, after he leaves everything he had to Leona Helmsley's dog.
Marijuana In Mexico
Mexico having made marijuana legal already having an effect as older people going across border for cheap medicine, coming back with cheap diseases.
Smoking After Sex OK'd
Three California cities may ban smoking in apartments except after sex. Before sex, no one is worried if they pulled the stub out. I'm sorry, that should have been put the stub out.
New Indy Movie
The Hollywood Stir has announced that Harrison Ford will do still another Indiana Jone's movie. This One will be "Indiana Jones & The Viagra Bones"
Another Bitter Loss For Cubs
The Chicago Cubs lost another close one last night when they showed up in New York to play the Mets, when they were supposed to be in Pittsburgh to play the Pirates.
Obama Wins, Just My Luck!
OctoMom finally admits that Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton's proposal of $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States was behind her having the eight.
Comet Changes Course
Astronomers warn that the South Korean wobbling satellite is drawing the attention of Halley's Comet
Revenge Is Sweet
The Green Bay Packers have purchased the one year contract for Brett Favre from the Minnesota Vikings. He will be their starting center.
Barack Obama saddened at Ted Kennedy's death
"That's one less pair of lips on my ass."
Kennedy family makes hospital request after Ted's death
"We don't want the same guys who did Michael Jackson's autopsy."
Kennedy Family fortune increases with Ted's death
They won't have to buy another Senate election in Massachusetts.
Disneyworld announces new ride in honor of Ted Kennedy's death
"Chappaquiddick Bridge" ride will make September 1st debut.
Ted Kennedy's Death Has Adverse Effect on D.C. Businesses
Three Washington bars go out of business due to loss of best customer.
Czar Richard Simmons
President Obama has named Richard Simmons as the unofficial US Exercise Czar, just as soon as he can pass the gender test.
Appendix Now Found Useful. Surgeons Outraged.
New research finds the "vestigial" appendix may serve an important purpose. The "National Academy Of Appendix Removers" is seething. "This will put us out of business.It makes us sick in the gut."
Ted Kennedy's Bartender Knew Something Was Wrong
"It's the first time since the Mary Jo incident that he ever missed last call."
Ted Kennedy Corpse To Receive No Formaldahyde
Embalmers say he's already pickled.
Ted Kennedy Dies At Age 77
Kopechne family survivors not expected to attend funeral without another payout.
Both Weiners & Loses
Leading scientists release new study that reports that "Eating chicken weinees can cause chicken weiners in men."
Hot Dog Mutations
Hot dogs may cause genetic mutations say scientists, after study of circus freaks who ate them three times a day because they were free.
People Not That Attention Deficient
Michael Vick's new recording of "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window" sells one copy. Gives up on recording "You Ain't Nothing But A Pit Bull!"
Bad Publicity Better Than No Publicity
Boy George, back in the news last year over having to serve public service sentence, claims that it saved his career. May get arrested again.
Cheney Claims Credit
Former CIA Chief claims he was ordered by President Bush to continue the waterboarding of detainees. Bush claims he was ordered by Cheney. "All our buildings still standing, aren't they?"
Last Telephone Booth?
The nation's last telephone booth spotted. It's just around the corner from The Daily Planet.
A Mideast Breakthrough?
Israel agrees to stop building any new settlements on the West Bank, on Saturdays.
Buffalo Festival Choses This Year's Location
The National Buffalo wing celebration has chosen this year's city as Buffalo, New York, for the tenth year in a row.
Chamber Music Festival
Chamber music festival set for Moab, Utah in September. Then sent on to Amorites, Hittites and Jebusites in October.
Big Brother Folds
British TV cancels reality show 'Big Brother & The Holding Company'. Send Janice Joplin's ashes with a little piece of her heart back to California.
To Be Or Not To Be
Circumcision doesn't protect gays from AIDS virus. So far, only becoming eunuchs a sure prevention.
Whooping Cranes Pooping Out
Death rate spikes among migrating whooping cranes. "They're illegals", claims shotgun-carrying Dick Cheney.
Obama calls Kennedy greatest senator of our time. Orders special Czar to look for three proven miracles during his lifetime.
Greatest Drinker Perhaps
Obama calls Kennedy greatest senator of our time. Other 99 Senators unitedly disagree.
Skid Row Updates
Group seeks to open upscale bar in LA's Skid Row. Also, building the first Skid Row Hard Rock Cafe.
New Jewish Settlements Discussed
Netanyahu: Progress made with US on settlements on New York's City's Lower East Side.
Everything Seen Higher
New home sales, durable goods orders seen higher, say National Organization of Potheads.
Republicans, Dems Mourn Kennedy
Republicans join Democrats in mourning Ted Kennedy. "He was the best opponent I ever called a fat-headed moron", states Mitch McConnell.
Tropical Storm Wussy is forecast to weaken over the Atlantic, become a Tropical Fart by Thursday morning.
Powerful Shiite Is With The Virgins Now
Powerful Iraqi Shiite leader has died in Iran. Experts believe he will no longer be as powerful.
Brain Cells Absorbed By Ass
Those classified as overweight have 4 percent less brain tissue and their brains appear to have aged prematurely by 8 years. Scientist says it all goes to their ass.
Tobacco seen killing 6 million people next year. That's 5 million, 900,000 more than wars in Afghanistan, Iraq. 6 million more than horrible marijuana.
No Black Poles
Microsoft are in a row over a photo that appears on a Polish website. The picture shows a black man who has changed colour to white. They might as well have chosen a picture of Michael Jackson.
Democrats to Reduce Costs
Far left wing congressional Democrats are to reduce costs by not responding to correspondence from their constituents. The replies had no relationship to the original emails and letters, anyway.
Kentucky Tobacco Best
Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear announced that more people smoke Kentucky grown tobacco that either Virginia or North Carolina tobacco. His proof? Kentucky leads both in the number of death by smoking
US Record Deficits Projected
"Dad can I have a new car, go to Harvard and buy a new boat?" "Son you know that if we do that, this household will go bankrupt." "Pop wait a minute the US government is doing that!"
Langley Virginia Building Complex to go Condo
Due to early retirements, transfers to other federal agencies and politics the government has surplus building space in VA. The Obama plan is to turn the facility into Condos and reduce the deficit.
Beware of Tax and Spend Liberals
Big program spending Democratic far left liberals want more of your money in taxes, so they can ruin the economy. The reason, consumer spending accounts for about 70% of U.S. economic activity.
Astroturf Bus Trips
Speaker Pelosi denigrated the opposition to health care reform as Republican manufactured "Astroturf." Now the Democrats are organizing "Astroturf" bus trips, but Bo left a big stain in this grass.
Granted immunity, some fired public and private employees say they multitasked all the time while doing their jobs. Included were watching porn, betting on the races and playing computer games.
Political Pundit Speaks
A Washington DC pundit likened the actions of some leading members of the US House of Representatives to a Marx Brother's movie. To which Speaker Pelosi replied "I didn't know Karl had any brothers?"
Goodstock, Not Woodstock!
Farmer finally admits he wasn't at Woodstock. "I thought you said, "Goodstock". We went there with some cows for a bull to screw."
"That's pretty close", admits friend who had accused him of lying.
Kim, Novak Dead
Actress Kim Novak has died. Sorry, Kim, former leader for many years in South Korea, has died. So has Novak. Kim Novak still kicking as far as we know.
Favre Could Still Sign, Again
Brent Favre says he may switch teams in mid-season if the Minnesota Vikings don't get off to a good start.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!