Spoof news snippets from Monday 24 August 2009
Delay The Dancer
Tom DeLay Joins Cast of "Dancing With the Stars". "I've been practicing all summer with Dick Cheney shooting at my feet."
Missing Teacher Found.
Memphis teacher missing from her class for the past six months turns up working on oil rig in Gulf of Mexico for ten times her teaching salary.
Tired Of Iraq
U.S., Pissed over fifteen years of Iraq and Afghanistan, tells Norway to shape up.
Cockroaches Going Nuclear
Cockroaches plan to outnumber humans by a billion trillion to zero by 2050!
Madoff dying of Libyan strain of rectal cancer
Demands immediate compassionate flight to Tripoli and five million dollars health insurance. Scottish Justice Ministry takes up the gauntlet with the UN!
Somali Pirates Young, Quick
Somali Pirates hijack cruise missile headed from North Korea to ocean, disappear over the horizon before blast heard.
Osama Alive And Pretty Fair, Considering
Taliban leader says that Osama Bin Laden still alive and well as can be expected under the circumstances.
Sex Toys Recall
Over 10,000 Chinese made adult toys containing lead being pulled from shelves, body orifices.
We'll Leave The Light On For Them
Heavily armed demonstrators show up at Obama Health Care Events, tell President that tax collectors coming to pay taxes for it better have good medication for lead poisoning.
Old Mice, New Teeth
Japanese scientist have been able to grow new teeth in old mice but like evidence because of them chewing out of cage, making a nest out of research papers.
That Wacky Palin Woman
Sarah Palin hasn't been in the news lately but knowing that woman, she's probably pulled a boner that was funny...if we just knew what it was. I would have placed it right here. Ahem.
African Ministers to employ male/female naked rain dancers!
In an attempt to change the African climate, 10 ministers are importing Totem Poles and employing naked rain dancers hoping to create rain. Dance Safaris full with Horny tourists are fully booked!!!
Madoff Has Cancer?
Jailed fraudster Bernard Madoff 'is dying of cancer.' If you'd like to help Bernie, send $100 to Bernie Madoff C/O North Carolina Prison.
Use Them Later
CCTV helps solve just ONE crime per 1,000 as officers fail to use film as evidence. "They use it for blackmail later, after they retire", says one in thousand caught.
Hogfart Beboo, Bikini!!
Suncream may be linked to Alzheimer's disease, say experts, although one admits that the one in the pink bikini will be the last thing he'd forget.
Spotted Dick Spotted
When will Brown come out of hiding? PM urged to break 'cowardly' silence as Britain faces U.S. Lockerbie boycott as spotted dick drops 50%. "This is impotant", say exporters.
Kinks The Cat
Married GP 'had sex with patient while unsuspecting husband sat in next door waiting room, on the wrong side of a one-way mirror'
Cheech, Chong, Change
Cheech and Chong hold reunion. Watch five of their old movies together three times until one says, "Hey, I remember this one..no, maybe not but those two dudes were funny. Remind me of us a lot!"
McCain Helped From Floor
Senator John McCain was helped from the Senate floor this morning as he announced that he had limited his VP choices to four.
One Of These Days, Pow! Zoom!
Amateur astronomer announces that he has seen clear evidence of Audrie Meadows on the moon.
Space Station A Target?
Those aboard space station apprehensive after Iran announces they are planning to launch the world's first suicide bomber into space.
Bush Was Thoughtful After All
Former President Bush says that the reason everyone in his administration erased all White House computers was so that President Obama could get off with a fresh start.
Tilting Over Windmills
Neighbors next door to alternative energy freak say his windmill blows them off their feet trying to get to their car.
Atlanta Neighborhood In Uproar
Whole neighborhood in uproar in Atlanta after Birthday Boy's grandpa takes 30 kids to see "He Frees His Willie". Old guy insists he thought it was about a whale. "Well, it was the size of a whale's."
White House Sitter?
Obama identity thief sitting in White House while family on vacation sends FBI agents out to find Monica Lewinsky.
US Economy Spikes
United State's economy rebounds on sudden spike in existing homes that somehow catch on fire.
Tornado Chasers Gone
Several people lost their lives as tornado leads chasers right into the middle of a hurricane.
Willy Frees Himself
Lost whale finds it's way back home in the ocean after flopping away from Sea World. "That was something to see", says man on the street.
Sounded Like Fidel In Better Days
Many in congress on both sides admit that they thought VP Joe Biden's last speech was a filibuster about something. "He just kept rambling."
Pinball Was The Greatest
Old Fart claims that the old time pinball games couldn't be beat. He now plays them on computer but keeps bumping with leg against keyboard until he needs a new one every month.
The Mighty Now Falling
Signs of recession continues as many Rolls Royce owners trading them in for Toyota Yaris.
Third-Grader Sent Home
Third Grader at Westport, Iowa Elementary School sent home after doing "Little Teapot" song and showing his "spout" at "Show & Tell".
Free Health Care In L.A.
In Los Angeles last week, thousands who showed up for free health care given two aspirins and told to call their regular doctor the next day.
Obama Meets Bush
The Barack Obama family run into George Bush at Martha's Vineyard, cleaning out some brush.
Money, Not Care The Problem
Most people who say they do not want US health care to change, say it's the money it costs that should be changed.
"Why not a healthcare rebate?", says spokesman.
US Currancy Loaded With Cocaine
A study was done on the U.S. currency last week and they found that 90 percent of all bills have traces of cocaine on them. "Don't look at us Treasury workers up here on the ceiling", says one.
Nursing Home Voting
Three people finish tied for first in nursing home election for N.H. spokesperson. Runoffs due to start today and run for as long as nursing home exists.
Nader Finishes Third
Ralph Nader comes in third in Afghanistan presidential election still being disputed by top two.
Health Plan Hell
Many have doubts about Obama health plan! Also, millions are afraid that they will be turned into newts.
Old FartsDiscussion On 60 Minutes.
The Health Care subject of "death panels" keeps coming up. Last night it was on "60 Minutes", being discussed by their Near-Death Panel.
Not The Best Sequel
"Saving Private Ryan Seacrest" movie finihes dead last in over-the-weekend box office reports.
He's Dead, Jim
A dorky fan, Jim Lobsocker, says that now, at last, singer Michael Jackson can have some closure in his life.
Head Weighs 50 Pounds
John Kerry, apparently still having problems over losing the 2004 presidential election to Bush, is seeing a "head shrinker".
Florists Announce Breakthrough
Brucie Limpfart, spokesperson for a group of professional florists, has announced that they have made a major breakthrough in stem research.
Blamed On "The Witchdoctor"
Trials due over Xinjiang, Walla Walla Bing Bang riots in China and Australia.
WW2 Media Coverage
In the third of a series of articles marking the outbreak of World War II 70 years ago, the BBC Russian Service's Andrei Ostalski analyses media coverage shows it was much like today.
Air Guitar Contest Has New Winner
Sylvain Quimene of France has won the Air Guitar World Championships. How do judges choose from the motley assortment dressed in wigs, spandex and capes? "Oh, it's definitely the music", says judge.
They Should Know
Confidence among business professionals has surged, suggesting the recession is at an end, a survey of ten important people has said.
Smoking Really Bad For You
Smoking a shisha pipe, hams, salmon house on fire is as bad for people as smoking tobacco the Department of Health and Tobacco, Hams, Salmon & House On Fire Control Collaborating Centre has found.
John Edwards' Protests
Married people are more likely to survive cancer, whereas those going through a break-up have the worst chance of beating it, a study shows. Study already being ridiculed by John Edwards.
Calls for a boycott of Scottish goods have been made in the US following the controversial decision to release the man convicted of carrying out the Lockerbie bombing as haggis-import drops 95%.
CIA To Be Investigated
The US justice department is calling for some dozen prisoner abuse cases to be reopened, the New York Times says, as Obama tries to take public's mind off poverty.
Acidity In Alaskan Waters
Research finds higher acidity in Alaska waters. Blame it on Al Gore's spleen over global warming crap.
Obamas On Vacation
The Obamas begin Martha's Vineyard vacation with a person tour conducted by Martha to show them how the grapes are collected, mashed with feet, taken to brewery.
Heavy Fine To Be Paid
South Carolina judge to punish men in $9.8M armored car heist
by fining them over a million dollars!
Cattle High-Altitude Tests
Cattle focus of high-altitude research in New Mexico as they prepare to launch cow over the moon.
Netanyahu Visits Europe
Israel's Netanyahu brings balancing act to Europe while trying to juggle at least a dozen Islamic terrorist groups.
Scotland Lawmakers Meet
Scotland lawmakers to meet on Lockerbie release as protesters in kilts expose themselves, go on Haggis strike.
Smokers More Likely To Get TB
Smokers seen twice as likely to develop active TB, bad breath, yellow teeth, ugly mates.
Reader's Digest File For Rolaids
Reader's Digest Association Inc. said Monday that it has filed for prearranged Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection as part of its restructuring plan, as they will file shortened version in digest form.
Beer-Drinkers Caning Must Wait
Malaysia delays caning of woman who drank beer. She must wait her turn after canings of 2,000 others who farted in public, according to the fart police.
We're Not Responsible
Reality show contestant found dead in Canada motel definitely not a part of the show, claims network.
Miss Venezuela Repeats As Champ
Miss Venezuela repeats at Miss Universe contest. "We're just a bunch of beautiful people down here", says Hugo Chavez.
Shrinking Social Security Payments
Millions face shrinking Social Security payments managed by the same people who now want to take over health care.
Time To Play Politics
President Barack Obama has approved creation of a special unit of interrogators reporting directly to the White House to weaken US security methods to prevent another 9/11.
Miley Cyrus spotted making out...
...like a bandit, with lots and lots of free publicity after she was seen smooching with some Australian actor who just might get his achy-breaky heart broken by the Hannah Hannah Bo-Bannah star.
And another one to kill the pain...
Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno, set to be first woman caned in her country for drinking in public, had sentence postponed until Ramadan ends. Malaysian model said, "So stressed... I need a drink!"
Miss Venezuela under fire
Venezuelan Stefania Fernandez, 18, selected from more than 80 pageant contestants Sunday night, crowned Miss Universe 2009. Recount requested by Miss Andromeda Galaxy.
The economy is getting so bad that - Police in cities are having to disperse groups of bankers with squeegees, buckets of water and chamois leathers from traffic lights at busy road junctions.
The Most Miserable Day
Monday used to be the most miserable day, but according to U.S.mathematicians, Wednesday is now the worst day. In order to avoid any controversy, the WHO have declared that 'TODAY' as the worst day.
Ashes to Ashes
Englan to reurn Ashes to Australia on compassionate grounds..
it's beleived Australian cricket wont survive another season.
Letters to the Editor
The far left wing nuts have figured out how to get into the newspapers. They write position letters that don't pass the smell test, but sign them as "Podunk Director of Progressive Policy Research."
Screwed up Politics
President Clinton got screwed in the White House. The American people are getting screwed by the unelected Democratic left wing camp followers of the Obama Administration and their socialist agendas.
Foreign Nuts Not Needed
US environmentalist's are annoying Brazil. A spokesman said "8000 tons of Brazil nuts are naturally harvested from tropical forests each year for export, without the need for any foreign nuts!"
Government No email List
Americans got tired of calls from salesmen, so the government instituted a No Call List. Americans are receiving unsolicited emails, how about a No email List? Oh, the emails are from the government!
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