Order by:
Rating:

Delay The Dancer

Tom DeLay Joins Cast of "Dancing With the Stars". "I've been practicing all summer with Dick Cheney shooting at my feet."

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Missing Teacher Found.

Memphis teacher missing from her class for the past six months turns up working on oil rig in Gulf of Mexico for ten times her teaching salary.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Tired Of Iraq

U.S., Pissed over fifteen years of Iraq and Afghanistan, tells Norway to shape up.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Cockroaches Going Nuclear

Cockroaches plan to outnumber humans by a billion trillion to zero by 2050!

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Madoff dying of Libyan strain of rectal cancer

Demands immediate compassionate flight to Tripoli and five million dollars health insurance. Scottish Justice Ministry takes up the gauntlet with the UN!

written by queen mudder, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Somali Pirates Young, Quick

Somali Pirates hijack cruise missile headed from North Korea to ocean, disappear over the horizon before blast heard.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Osama Alive And Pretty Fair, Considering

Taliban leader says that Osama Bin Laden still alive and well as can be expected under the circumstances.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Sex Toys Recall

Over 10,000 Chinese made adult toys containing lead being pulled from shelves, body orifices.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

We'll Leave The Light On For Them

Heavily armed demonstrators show up at Obama Health Care Events, tell President that tax collectors coming to pay taxes for it better have good medication for lead poisoning.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Old Mice, New Teeth

Japanese scientist have been able to grow new teeth in old mice but like evidence because of them chewing out of cage, making a nest out of research papers.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

That Wacky Palin Woman

Sarah Palin hasn't been in the news lately but knowing that woman, she's probably pulled a boner that was funny...if we just knew what it was. I would have placed it right here. Ahem.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

African Ministers to employ male/female naked rain dancers!

In an attempt to change the African climate, 10 ministers are importing Totem Poles and employing naked rain dancers hoping to create rain. Dance Safaris full with Horny tourists are fully booked!!!

written by Jaggedone, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Madoff Has Cancer?

Jailed fraudster Bernard Madoff 'is dying of cancer.' If you'd like to help Bernie, send $100 to Bernie Madoff C/O North Carolina Prison.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Use Them Later

CCTV helps solve just ONE crime per 1,000 as officers fail to use film as evidence. "They use it for blackmail later, after they retire", says one in thousand caught.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Hogfart Beboo, Bikini!!

Suncream may be linked to Alzheimer's disease, say experts, although one admits that the one in the pink bikini will be the last thing he'd forget.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Spotted Dick Spotted

When will Brown come out of hiding? PM urged to break 'cowardly' silence as Britain faces U.S. Lockerbie boycott as spotted dick drops 50%. "This is impotant", say exporters.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Kinks The Cat

Married GP 'had sex with patient while unsuspecting husband sat in next door waiting room, on the wrong side of a one-way mirror'


written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Cheech, Chong, Change

Cheech and Chong hold reunion. Watch five of their old movies together three times until one says, "Hey, I remember this one..no, maybe not but those two dudes were funny. Remind me of us a lot!"

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

McCain Helped From Floor

Senator John McCain was helped from the Senate floor this morning as he announced that he had limited his VP choices to four.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

One Of These Days, Pow! Zoom!

Amateur astronomer announces that he has seen clear evidence of Audrie Meadows on the moon.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Space Station A Target?

Those aboard space station apprehensive after Iran announces they are planning to launch the world's first suicide bomber into space.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Bush Was Thoughtful After All

Former President Bush says that the reason everyone in his administration erased all White House computers was so that President Obama could get off with a fresh start.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Tilting Over Windmills

Neighbors next door to alternative energy freak say his windmill blows them off their feet trying to get to their car.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Atlanta Neighborhood In Uproar

Whole neighborhood in uproar in Atlanta after Birthday Boy's grandpa takes 30 kids to see "He Frees His Willie". Old guy insists he thought it was about a whale. "Well, it was the size of a whale's."

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

White House Sitter?

Obama identity thief sitting in White House while family on vacation sends FBI agents out to find Monica Lewinsky.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

US Economy Spikes

United State's economy rebounds on sudden spike in existing homes that somehow catch on fire.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Tornado Chasers Gone

Several people lost their lives as tornado leads chasers right into the middle of a hurricane.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Willy Frees Himself

Lost whale finds it's way back home in the ocean after flopping away from Sea World. "That was something to see", says man on the street.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Sounded Like Fidel In Better Days

Many in congress on both sides admit that they thought VP Joe Biden's last speech was a filibuster about something. "He just kept rambling."

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Pinball Was The Greatest

Old Fart claims that the old time pinball games couldn't be beat. He now plays them on computer but keeps bumping with leg against keyboard until he needs a new one every month.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

The Mighty Now Falling

Signs of recession continues as many Rolls Royce owners trading them in for Toyota Yaris.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Third-Grader Sent Home

Third Grader at Westport, Iowa Elementary School sent home after doing "Little Teapot" song and showing his "spout" at "Show & Tell".

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Free Health Care In L.A.

In Los Angeles last week, thousands who showed up for free health care given two aspirins and told to call their regular doctor the next day.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Obama Meets Bush

The Barack Obama family run into George Bush at Martha's Vineyard, cleaning out some brush.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Money, Not Care The Problem

Most people who say they do not want US health care to change, say it's the money it costs that should be changed.
"Why not a healthcare rebate?", says spokesman.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

US Currancy Loaded With Cocaine

A study was done on the U.S. currency last week and they found that 90 percent of all bills have traces of cocaine on them. "Don't look at us Treasury workers up here on the ceiling", says one.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Nursing Home Voting

Three people finish tied for first in nursing home election for N.H. spokesperson. Runoffs due to start today and run for as long as nursing home exists.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Nader Finishes Third

Ralph Nader comes in third in Afghanistan presidential election still being disputed by top two.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Health Plan Hell

Many have doubts about Obama health plan! Also, millions are afraid that they will be turned into newts.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Old FartsDiscussion On 60 Minutes.

The Health Care subject of "death panels" keeps coming up. Last night it was on "60 Minutes", being discussed by their Near-Death Panel.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Not The Best Sequel

"Saving Private Ryan Seacrest" movie finihes dead last in over-the-weekend box office reports.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

He's Dead, Jim

A dorky fan, Jim Lobsocker, says that now, at last, singer Michael Jackson can have some closure in his life.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Head Weighs 50 Pounds

John Kerry, apparently still having problems over losing the 2004 presidential election to Bush, is seeing a "head shrinker".

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Florists Announce Breakthrough

Brucie Limpfart, spokesperson for a group of professional florists, has announced that they have made a major breakthrough in stem research.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Blamed On "The Witchdoctor"

Trials due over Xinjiang, Walla Walla Bing Bang riots in China and Australia.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

WW2 Media Coverage

In the third of a series of articles marking the outbreak of World War II 70 years ago, the BBC Russian Service's Andrei Ostalski analyses media coverage shows it was much like today.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Air Guitar Contest Has New Winner

Sylvain Quimene of France has won the Air Guitar World Championships. How do judges choose from the motley assortment dressed in wigs, spandex and capes? "Oh, it's definitely the music", says judge.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

They Should Know

Confidence among business professionals has surged, suggesting the recession is at an end, a survey of ten important people has said.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Smoking Really Bad For You

Smoking a shisha pipe, hams, salmon house on fire is as bad for people as smoking tobacco the Department of Health and Tobacco, Hams, Salmon & House On Fire Control Collaborating Centre has found.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

John Edwards' Protests

Married people are more likely to survive cancer, whereas those going through a break-up have the worst chance of beating it, a study shows. Study already being ridiculed by John Edwards.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Boycotting Scotland

Calls for a boycott of Scottish goods have been made in the US following the controversial decision to release the man convicted of carrying out the Lockerbie bombing as haggis-import drops 95%.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

CIA To Be Investigated

The US justice department is calling for some dozen prisoner abuse cases to be reopened, the New York Times says, as Obama tries to take public's mind off poverty.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Acidity In Alaskan Waters

Research finds higher acidity in Alaska waters. Blame it on Al Gore's spleen over global warming crap.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Obamas On Vacation

The Obamas begin Martha's Vineyard vacation with a person tour conducted by Martha to show them how the grapes are collected, mashed with feet, taken to brewery.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Heavy Fine To Be Paid

South Carolina judge to punish men in $9.8M armored car heist
by fining them over a million dollars!

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Cattle High-Altitude Tests

Cattle focus of high-altitude research in New Mexico as they prepare to launch cow over the moon.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Netanyahu Visits Europe

Israel's Netanyahu brings balancing act to Europe while trying to juggle at least a dozen Islamic terrorist groups.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Scotland Lawmakers Meet

Scotland lawmakers to meet on Lockerbie release as protesters in kilts expose themselves, go on Haggis strike.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Smokers More Likely To Get TB

Smokers seen twice as likely to develop active TB, bad breath, yellow teeth, ugly mates.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Reader's Digest File For Rolaids

Reader's Digest Association Inc. said Monday that it has filed for prearranged Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection as part of its restructuring plan, as they will file shortened version in digest form.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Beer-Drinkers Caning Must Wait

Malaysia delays caning of woman who drank beer. She must wait her turn after canings of 2,000 others who farted in public, according to the fart police.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

We're Not Responsible

Reality show contestant found dead in Canada motel definitely not a part of the show, claims network.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Miss Venezuela Repeats As Champ

Miss Venezuela repeats at Miss Universe contest. "We're just a bunch of beautiful people down here", says Hugo Chavez.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Shrinking Social Security Payments

Millions face shrinking Social Security payments managed by the same people who now want to take over health care.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Time To Play Politics

President Barack Obama has approved creation of a special unit of interrogators reporting directly to the White House to weaken US security methods to prevent another 9/11.

written by Bureau, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Miley Cyrus spotted making out...

...like a bandit, with lots and lots of free publicity after she was seen smooching with some Australian actor who just might get his achy-breaky heart broken by the Hannah Hannah Bo-Bannah star.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 August 2009
Rating:

And another one to kill the pain...

Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno, set to be first woman caned in her country for drinking in public, had sentence postponed until Ramadan ends. Malaysian model said, "So stressed... I need a drink!"

written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Miss Venezuela under fire

Venezuelan Stefania Fernandez, 18, selected from more than 80 pageant contestants Sunday night, crowned Miss Universe 2009. Recount requested by Miss Andromeda Galaxy.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Economy Worsens

The economy is getting so bad that - Police in cities are having to disperse groups of bankers with squeegees, buckets of water and chamois leathers from traffic lights at busy road junctions.

written by IN SEINE, 24 August 2009
Rating:

The Most Miserable Day

Monday used to be the most miserable day, but according to U.S.mathematicians, Wednesday is now the worst day. In order to avoid any controversy, the WHO have declared that 'TODAY' as the worst day.

written by IN SEINE, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Ashes to Ashes

Englan to reurn Ashes to Australia on compassionate grounds..
it's beleived Australian cricket wont survive another season.

written by defabled, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Letters to the Editor

The far left wing nuts have figured out how to get into the newspapers. They write position letters that don't pass the smell test, but sign them as "Podunk Director of Progressive Policy Research."

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Screwed up Politics

President Clinton got screwed in the White House. The American people are getting screwed by the unelected Democratic left wing camp followers of the Obama Administration and their socialist agendas.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Foreign Nuts Not Needed

US environmentalist's are annoying Brazil. A spokesman said "8000 tons of Brazil nuts are naturally harvested from tropical forests each year for export, without the need for any foreign nuts!"

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 August 2009
Rating:

Government No email List

Americans got tired of calls from salesmen, so the government instituted a No Call List. Americans are receiving unsolicited emails, how about a No email List? Oh, the emails are from the government!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 August 2009
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